Dear Me,

Thank you for taking the time to sit with yourself and process your thoughts and feelings. This year, you really took yourself & your ideas seriously. Your perseverance through rejection is admirable and I appreciate you, even when others don’t.

When you lost your job in January- you didn’t beat yourself up.

When the bank funds were low- you leaned on your family for support while pushing through to find a new job.

When you felt broke, busted, and disgusted- you sought wisdom in books, the Bible, and your family.

You manifested cool opportunities & got creative with the tools at your disposal.

To me, you may not be exactly where you want to be, however, you’ve come farther than you expected. You could’ve chosen to listen to well- meaning advice, but you listened to your gut & for that I respect you!

Thank you for being you- which is the hardest thing to do.

Love you for life,

Me (V) 🧡

GOING TO BERLIN IN 1970 -for Hank

They were traveling by train
the whole family, for Thanksgiving
at seventeen it felt like being thirty
courage for the i-am-strong-enough
to face the i-don’t-know-what
speaking German wishing-to-know-words

even so he was in his own thoughts-
Where does genuine live?
Is it In amongst the realizations of the self?

Traveling with another Colonel’s family,
with another son of seventeen
both in railroad overnight sleeper berths
the Colonels had to be in uniform
crossing Enemy Territory as it was
the Enemy’s armed soldiers at railway stops in the dark
warned us not to exit the cars
if the train stopped, must have passports at the ready
should they be demanded by the communists.

It would take all night to get to Berlin due to the many stops
having left the freedoms of West Germany
fluttering on flagpoles at the border.

It was the first time, really, that he was aware,
like no kidding, that the suppression of men could be such
a real thing.

That realization never walked away again
the sight of man’s inhumanity to man
that persisted for the rest of his years

this epiphany became a finely tuned crap-dector
like gauging spoken truths for authenticity
or assessment of mood, or rank, at a glance.

Sometimes both revealing, and understanding, were pushed
into override, with wisps of smoke coming out
he had to get out, away from the despicable source

what of the half-truths
or the lying in the unnecessary competitions
in foolish men’s lives.
Sleep was a casualty of that night.
Excitement of so many AK-47s,
the danger slung on The Enemy’s shoulders
during the travel to West Berlin
so divided (one of the few walled cities left in the world)
the Berlin Wall was a living, breathing beast
the beast was hungry to eat those that loved freedom
the east had walled all around the west city with
guard towers sporting machine-guns overlooking barbed wire.
We were free to think and speak
our minds carrying on the traditions
that was why our Fathers wore the uniforms.

Yet there was Checkpoint Charlie
a passageway out of grey oppression
crossing over into sparkling clean air

the point of cruel suppression, of beyond unfair dictatorship
made by the hundreds of small white crosses
placed to honor where the dead had been murdered

those that had sought out of the chill, shot dead
sometimes having dug under the wire
perhaps hidden in the trunk of a car under blankets.

Those sights stayed with him far into his future years
the detector tuned to not just seeing lies
but to detect the oranges of tyrannical narcissism

he felt as if he had breached the walls of Mordor there
in the east walkers dressed in darks and greys
city streets there unkept, paint on walls peeling

a stark contrast to the bustle of the west side
where there were freedoms even to wear bright yellow
should one want to, and to think unencumbered

he sought the exploration of the Self
ever since, gathering strength
asking The Critical Questions, the hard Q’s
finding his answers where they may be
in a song, poem, or readings of the great works
perhaps in some direct act of a caring sort
observing when life reached that occasional pinnacle
where truth junctured with an intensity

combined with spontaneous, deliberate acts of kindness
produced those moments of humanness
that people remember and talk about for years later.

He remembered Berlin all his life.

His walking up to the communist wall of Checkpoint Charlie
seeing the machine gun in the guard tower
ranging his steps, following his direction
(his Mother standing there wanting to scream)
as he gently removed a loose brick
from the wall just by The Enemy’s gate
even the western Military Policeman directing traffic
watched him step back away towards safety.

Taking that red brick
an act out of a youthful sense of invincibility
became a brick in his own wall
the brick was in his study even now
holding a honored place on a shelf
near the volumes of philosophy
becoming a power cell in the course of his life
a light shining into the darkness
showing what it means to be a real human in the world.

To The Unsealed Community,

When I graduated high school, I honestly didn’t know what to expect from myself.

After getting waitlisted, I got accepted to Columbia in mid-June of my senior year of high school. At the time, Columbia ranked top five in the nation. And while I was thrilled to be accepted, there was a part of me that was unsure if I was worthy of the admission.

I told my family I wasn’t sure if I wasn’t smart enough to go, and I was considering going elsewhere.

My brother, who had just graduated from Columbia, responded, “If you don’t take this opportunity, you will regret it for the rest of your life. I promise you will be able to do the work.”

I trusted my brother and decided to attend, even though I was scared and uncertain if I would measure up to my peers.

My first year at Columbia was by far the hardest. My grades depended on papers, and I wasn’t the best writer. Not to mention, we had to take many required classes – some of which I found pretty boring. But I muscled through it, and I was determined to thrive.

Thankfully, Columbia had a writing center where tutors looked through your paper sentence by sentence and provided feedback. I spent hours each week at the writing center, and after a year or so, my writing significantly improved. So much so that in the last two years of college, I received an A on every single paper I submitted.

It’s hard to believe that I almost passed down an incredible opportunity because I didn’t believe in myself.

Now, whatever challenge I face in life, I still don’t know what to expect from myself. But my experience at Columbia taught me that if I push myself and work hard, I should always expect to surprise myself.

We are all capable of way more than we even know.

Always believe in your greatness,

Dear Unsealers,

November of 2006 was an exciting time in my life. I was 17 at the time and I was going to live in Maryland with my oldest sister. Plus, it would be my first time flying in an airplane, so my excitement was sky-high around the time.

On the day of my flight from San Antonio, Texas to Maryland, a phone call woke me up at 4 in the morning. It was my sister. I remember she asked me if I was excited to come live with her. I could barely answer still trying to get my thoughts together. ”Huh,” she replied. Afterward, I gave a better answer to her before our phone call ended.

Two hours later, I was at the airport. Going through security to get to the right gate for my first flight was an adventure for me. When it was time to get on my first plane, I couldn’t wait to get up in the air.

When my first flight started to take off, the excitement I had turned to fear. The more the plane speed increased, the worse my nerves got. When the plane got up in the air, the anxiety I was feeling had taken complete control of my body.

The realization of being in the air instead of being on the ground had really sunk in my head. Seeing lightning in the window nearby, only increased my out-of-control fear. ”I’m not gonna make it through this flight”, I thought.

The older woman who was sitting beside me in the window seat must have felt the fear I was feeling. She started talking to me. She was so calm like she had been through this takeoff routine a million times!

Her calmness gave me the courage & strength to get through this takeoff. The nerves I felt would disappear, and the plane would finally coast around blue skies & beautiful clouds, way up in the air. I couldn’t believe I was flying on an airplane.

I still get nervous when I fly on a plane, but I know now that those nerves I feel are only temporary until the plane relaxes in the air. I’m grateful for that woman who was on my first flight. She showed me an example of calm courage that I’ll never forget.

Gerald

My Zeusy,

When I was a baby, I was born into a home where my best friend lived. However hard times made us leave our home and when we moved my best friend ran away. I always yearned for a new best friend but lost hope throughout life.

When I was 30, I found out I was pregnant with my son. It was a world wind of emotions since a few years prior I went through testing that concluded at the time I wouldn’t get pregnant again, and if I did my pregnancy wouldn’t be healthy, would be high risk and may possibly end in a miscarriage. I was filled with joy and fear as well as anxiety. Over the next few weeks my emotions began to ease up until the scariest day.

I was 5 weeks pregnant; I woke up on a normal day to get ready for work and to drop of the kids to school. When I went to the bathroom I noticed some spotting. While my gut told me there was something wrong I shooed the thought away in a hopes it was just my nerves and fear. By the time I arrived at work an hour later I was full blown bleeding, as if I were miscarrying. I went to the hospital where my husband met me.

While waiting on results in the ER, I picked up my phone and scrolled through Facebook to occupy my mind. I found a post about a dog whom loved his food bowl so much he would carry it with him everywhere. I immediately told my husband that I wanted to go and get that dog. By the time we left the hospital, with complete uncertainty as the results of the test showed I wasn’t miscarrying, the pup had been taken to the back to be seen by a vet and wasn’t available for adoption. We had no intention of getting a pet after that.

However, we wanted to see what options were available. We walked up and down each kennel room, dozens of pups jumping and barking, excited to see people outside of the keepers. We had a pup or 2 on the list to meet but none really the perfect fit. We got to the very last kennel room at the very end, the last pup cage laid a very sad pup. While every single dog was loud and making there presence known, this pup did not. He laid on his bed, front paws crossed over one another, head lying atop of his paws. His sad droopy eyes looked up at me, without lifting his head, as if he was thinking “Oh, just another couple to pass me by.”

His energy was one very familiar to me, DEFEAT! I looked at his bio paper, in a sheet protector hanging from his cage by two zip ties. I found out that he had been there for almost a year and he was found roaming around the streets. It was then that I knew I had to at least help him escape the cage he has called home for almost a year, even if for just a few minutes. I looked at him and said “I promise we will see you in the yard.”

This dog was amazing! He knew his name and he was so well behaved. He played with my husband and shortly after I called him. You see earlier in the hospital I was put on pelvic rest until I saw my doc for a follow up. So I sat down the whole visit with this pup. When I called him over he came right to me and laid his big ol head in my lap. He won me over! However, I was on pelvic rest, my husband was gone from 6 AM until 7 PM, Monday through Friday, our children were to small to care for the pup and he was a 90 pound terrier/pit mix. This concerned myself and my husband, we had to see if this was even fair to him.

We saw another pup that was a bit smaller but he was only a year old, still an untrained puppy, where as the other pup was 4 years old and was well trained. We were about to settle with the puppy, his name was Big Hunk. We decided to see how he was with cats since we were possibly going to get one. Big Hunk was not a fan of the first cat because she was afraid of the sight of him and he lunged at her. I did not hold that against him though, we moved onto the kittens and he did great for a pup. But , he just wasn’t the other pup. So we asked for the other pup to be tested with the cats and kittens.

The keeper went back to get him, stood at the entry way for the cats and kittens, looked down at the pup by his side, pet his head and whispered to him, “Make me proud buddy!” Walked by the cats – no reaction. Walked by the kittens and the keeper had to keep redirecting him to the kittens. He would sniff the cages, look at the cages and then look around like “Okay. It’s a cat. What do you want from me?” I was sold! Lets be honest I was sold before I even visited him in the yard. We told the keeper he was the one and we began the process. We got a doggy bed, a water and food bowl, some toys and food to start our new journey with our newest member of the family.

As I stated before I had to follow up with my doc. About a week later we found out that we were still pregnant, but that based on the hormone levels and the presentation of the flow of blood, I was pregnant with twins and lost one. By this time our newest member of the family had already brought so much joy that we didn’t really feel the pain of losing a twin. See that pup, he came into our home and family and fit perfectly like the puzzle piece that had been missing for years. He was protective and playful, he had a bit of anxiety and you could tell he came from a rough place before he found sanctuary in the Humane Society.
He didn’t like arguing and assumed loud speaking was arguing. He was deathly afraid of shoes. I speak with my hands and realized very quickly he was hit often when I caught him flitch every time I moved my hands while speaking near him. We as a family, including our newest addition had to work together to make this our home, our family, and his fur-ever family! It took some time but everything worked out perfectly.

What you may not know is; that pup is YOU! Zeus, you didn’t have the easiest life, despite the fact that I never witnessed it and you could never tell me verbally, I know. But now you are home! You are my first son! You are my best friend! Alysza’s best friend! Bella’s best friend! Jose’s best friend! Papi’s best friend! You add so much love and life to our world! You have given me scares just like all the rest of are kids. But over all you are the best pup any fur-family could ask for!

Life isn’t always kind but when life gives us gifts they are phenomenal. You my Zeusy Boy are phenomenal! You love pizza, he knows the spelling of it and all the forms it comes in, hehe. And you’re a foodie like the rest of us. You’ve eaten a couch and bed out of anxiety, but I would give a million of those things for you, any day! You amuse me by letting me dress you up, he’s been a skeleton, a bumble and a pup going back to school with a book bag. You talk bag and get petty with your sisters. And my most favorite thing about you, that I’ve never had the blessing to experience until you walked into our lives, you hug! Your hugs are literally the best, love filled hugs. Also, your not a lap dog but I’ll never take that from you Thank you for being the best pup ever! And giving all of us the best 3 years of our lives. We cannot wait to spend a million more with you!

Love Always,
Your Fur-Ever Mommy

P.S. To all the readers – Get you a partner that looks at you the way Zeus looks at pizza!

Life didn’t work out the way you thought. 

Don’t get me wrong, your life is amazing now, and better than you could have imagined, but it is nowhere near the plan you had envisioned. To be fair, your ten-year plan was flawless; Everything so perfectly articulated and not a measure out of place. It truly was a sight to behold. A girl with her head on so straight that the odds couldn’t beat her. She’s a shoe-in for everything she could want out of life. Then, came the kicker. 

You didn’t get into your top school. You chose a major you didn’t even think of before. You moved farther away from home than you could have anticipated. And that’s okay.

 You had such high goals and ambitions for yourself.  You set your sights so high that along the way, it seems you lost yourself amongst the clouds. You roamed around the libraries in your head for too long, I’m afraid. You, my dear, filled your mind with every fact, tidbit, and file of information that nothing else had room to grow in such a vast, but crowded garden. You replaced your insecurities with flashcards, your worries with study guides, and your doubts with extracurriculars after school because being a robot could get you into a good school, but being real and being human could not. You misconstrued friendships for tutoring sessions and took your leadership as a means for control, not guidance. You traded the chance to be a kid for the hopes of being a successful adult.

And then this little thing called a pandemic happened. It was almost as if the world…stopped. Nothing in time mattered more than being present because being present meant that you were with the people you loved. You garnered the ability to love and be loved. You were in the present and realized that time is a present, a gift meant to be opened once and used wisely. 

Something changed for you. You learned to let in your emotions and experience life. Many doors closed, but so many gates opened. What you never thought could be attained came flooding to you in an instant.

So, from me to you, I want to say that we’re doing just fine. You prepared me for the ‘what-if’s’ and infinite and endless possibilities that could have arisen. So now, I can prepare for our future. The future where we pursue our goals, but we also make friends along the way. The future where we love and let go. The future where you grow, and I grow with you. I, in your place, will prepare us for the portion of life where we live, and live boundlessly and blissfully. The portion of life where you, my dear, live, and live a thousand lives after because to be alive and live your life is the best present of them all. I’ll do my best to make you the happiest you’ve been and the proudest you’ll be because whether you believed it or not, you deserved to live too. 

With Love,

To My One True Love, 

Those words might sound weird or not make sense to you now, but if you start to refer to yourself as love, your true love, you will experience the magic inside of you, unfolding and taking you to all of the places you could ever want to go. You are the living love story of you. 

Your fear of surviving is merely an illusion, my love. I don’t mean to be blunt, as you sometimes tend to take things very personally, I simply mean to convey that when the lingering thoughts of quitting college commence, flow with them. As you begin thinking and feeling about how farming in Ireland is more appealing than your writing classes and literature studies, listen. You’ve only known the linear path that most are expected to live, but the world, and your human experience can be much more grand than that. Deep down, you know this already, but the attempted ingrained notion that has been passed down to you, is not yours. It’s the illusion given to you from your father, my love, and it does not belong to you. 

You tend to hide the essence of who you are from your mother, so that you can convince yourself she accepts you. My love, this too, has nothing to do with you. While you believe that you must prove you are worthy of respect and admiration, learn to discern, to understand, grapple with the perfection you already are. Your core ideologies are rooted in love. You don’t realize it, but you yearn to be a fierce woman. I validate you from the future; it is safe to allow yourself to be all that you are. Lose the people pleasing pattern of behavior, and you will be pleased with yourself. 

Everything you desire, desires you too. Go to Ireland, have lovers, get tattoos, go to Chicago and attempt a career in stand up comedy-go down the roads that call to you. You will know yourself in a different way than I have come to know us, but we will end up in the same place because the message we were born to share has never changed. I feel no shame in my choices, but I followed the linear path, the path led by outside forces to “success”. Chase what brings you joy from the beginning, that’s having it figured out, that’s why we’re here. Inevitably, you will experience loss, pain, disappointment, failure, but it feels so much better if it’s something your heart told you to do instead of your mind. I took an education course and hated it, but I knew I was here to teach. I taught in a public school during a pandemic and it took that experience to tell me, I can teach somewhere else, in a different place, in a way that suits me, us. 

You are a writer, you know this; this knowledge makes up the plasma, cells, and platelets in your blood. No professor, no parent, no person can tell you who or what you are. You decide what you are for yourself and since before you could even write, it was instinctual that you were born to tell stories. Go live the stories you dream of and go tell the people what you’ve learned. I’m doing it now, and perhaps maybe these are the stories I’m meant to be telling and teaching, but love, the thought of looking back and seeing smiles instead of anxieties brings peace to the soul. The world will wait for you, 

P.S. Just go ahead and get shaving your head over with instead of doing it when you’re 29.

Love, 

A closet full of skeletons

I’ve got them by the hanger

Do you wish to see my morgue?

Come close 

The stench will drive you away

My mind’s dark crevices whisper incessantly 

“Unlovable” they hiss

Insistent I stay silent to abuse because 

I deserve it

I’m sitting in a red sofa chair

My therapist eyes directed at mine; concerned

“People don’t stay” I say

She responds, “Why do you believe that?”

“Because no one ever has”

The skeletons live in my head 

My brain tries on a new one each day

A different tactic to keep me trapped within myself

Are you sure you want to see?

This dark space in my mind is even locked from me

To my younger self:

Yes, I want to see

I want to know every part

Hug each one bone by bone

And love you

Take off the hood from the grim reaper you call your past

And you’ll find a little girl that has only ever wanted to be loved.

Don’t be scared 

make eye contact

Do you see her?

You are the same

I want to embrace your pain

And tell you its beautiful 

Because you are loved

By me

Your bumps and bruises

Are not things to be ashamed of

You are a mosaic full of stories

People are too scared to even think to be a part of 

You have done more than survive

The little light in you has thrived

In the darkness, when no one knew

You graduated

You found a job

You found a home

Imperfection has blossomed you 

Into something beautifully impermanent

A never ending sculpture

That you get to mold

Your mind is your own

And yes you will make mistakes

Blotches in your canvas will appear

And make your life that much more clear

That blotch of paint

The drop you accidentally let leave your brush

Turned into a scenery 

One beyond your wildest dreams

A map that is guiding you

To becoming your best self

I know life is full of unknowns

Change

Moments of loneliness

Pain

But there is also

Joy

Love

Goodness

Kindness

Don’t be afraid

For these are the stepping stones 

That bring you home

To yourself

And I’ll be with you every step of the way