One novel to write the wrongs
Of a society that says I don’t belong
Where a woman neither mother nor wife
Is looked down on for living an unfulfilled life,
Berated and branded a broken soul
In need of someone’s other half to make her whole

One novel to break the contract
Of a creator’s falsely progressive act
Representation dangled in a cruel game
To be yanked away, pawned for money and fame
The rallying cry of my lived reality
Silenced by the masses’ romantic mentality

One novel as an act of resistance
Of lust and romance as the root of existence
A story to leave the stereotypes upended
A forgotten identity lovingly represented
Born from the ashes of what might’ve been
That the marginalized may rise again

One novel before the year is out
One novel, and this my vow
To defend a group cast out and betrayed
To keep to my goal and never stray
Weaving a narrative authentically told
My voice never packaged and sold

Dear Friend,

When we hear the word “motto”, we tend to imagine one of two things: either a cliché phrase full of platitudes and empty of meaning, or a lofty ideal too far out of reach. While other people talked about their mottos, I resisted living by one for most of my life. Doing so seemed unoriginal and unrealistic until inspiration struck in the most unlikely place.

The closest thing I have to a motto is a quote by Maya Angelou. “What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.”

I saw that quote for the first time in eighth grade English class. The teacher had us read a section from one of Maya Angelou’s books, an oddly progressive choice for a school in the South in the early 2000s. I remember being fascinated by the story as my classmates took turns reading aloud, but it was that quote that really struck a chord with me. At the time, I was a disabled nerdy kid from a low income family, a prime target for bullies; all of which were completely valid reasons to complain. I never considered how complaining could be a bad thing until I read that quote, but although it made me think, it would be several years until its meaning fully resonated with me.

By late 2010, I’d lost my father and any hope of leading a normal life. I was a young adult suddenly tasked with supporting myself and my mother on a single disability check of about $900 each month. My mother, to put it bluntly, lost her mind when she lost her husband. She barely came out of her room. She didn’t want to eat or bathe, and she refused to do housework or interact with the outside world. The mother who’d always supported me was gone, too wrapped up in her own grief to notice mine.

I had no choice but to push my own emotions aside to provide for us. As hard as it was, I wouldn’t have minded it, had it not been for my mother’s incessant complaining. Every day, I woke up to her ranting about how much she hated her life, her family, the house, the neighbors, the government… you name it, she had something negative to say about it! I tried to ignore it and carry on the best I could, but it became impossible to function in the world when I was constantly reminded of its darkness and cruelty.

Her negativity was contagious. It got so bad that I was angry all the time, and I dreaded having to interact with anyone. One day when I was a captive audience for her ranting, I had an epiphany. As her negative emotions spilled onto me, I thought, Is this how others feel when I complain? I remembered that quote from eighth grade English class, and it inspired me to make a change.

While I couldn’t change our situation or my mother’s reaction to it, I could change myself. I realized that wasn’t the type of person I wanted to be. I didn’t want to suck the joy out of others’ lives; I didn’t want to be the reason someone else fears the world. So I promised myself I’d never do what my mother did. Whatever horrible thing the world threw at me, I would face it on my own and not let it affect others. My problems shouldn’t have to be anyone else’s.

That is not to say my life has been all sunshine and rainbows since then. No, far from it! I have setbacks and down moments just like anyone else. Anyone who says they don’t have those moments is lying to you, and toxic positivity can be every bit as damaging as constant negativity.

As I grow older and hopefully wiser, my understanding of my motto quote grows too. I don’t think the message of “don’t complain” is about ignoring the negative moments in life; it’s about what you do with that negativity. It’s okay to feel down sometimes. It’s not okay to stay down forever, and it’s definitely not okay to drag others down with you.

The next time you hit a low point, I hope you’ll remember that quote and be inspired like I was. Whatever obstacles you face, I hope you find a way to move forward and create something good from it. Good luck and best wishes!

Optimism crushed under the weight
Of life’s injustices and lies
Childlike wonder suffocates
As the world-weary soul grows wise
A tender heart turned to stone
By the world’s disapproving eyes
The inner child barely hanging on
But kindness never dies

The authentic self bound in chains,
Beaten, berated until it complies
All quirks and flaws met with disdain
Hidden under a respectable disguise
The voice of reason utters its last sound
In weak, despairing cries
The inner child broken down
But kindness never dies

Morphed and molded to society’s rules
Into something I don’t recognize
Pressured to become callous and cruel
The inner child’s inner voice defies
One childlike trait persists
Like phoenixes from ash rise
The inner child still exists
Because kindness never dies

You were always on my side
You were my joy; I was your pride
In this cruel world, just us vs. them,
But all good things come to an end
Now I’m left here all alone
With that final goodbye,
My life shattered in the blink of an eye
Lost like an orphaned fawn,
How can I ever carry on
Without the only friend I’ve ever known?

Let the wires cross
Let the signal be lost
My thoughts erratic,
Lost in the radio static
Now that you’re not there
Make no mistake
There’s no return from this break
No time to dwell on loss,
Here’s my heart signing off,
Fading into dead air

So I’ll reset that emotional dial
And face it all with a smile,
Let this world strike me down
I’ll never show them a frown
As I try to live by your advice
With the tools you gave in hand,
Here and now I make my stand
Forgive me for not growing strong
Enough in time to right your wrongs
But it will not happen twice!

Let them know our pain
Let the chaos rain
From the heavens above
As they say, in war and love
Everything is fair
If I must cross this line
I’ll stand up for what’s mine
Now there’s no turning back
As the scene cuts to black,
Fading into dead air

Dear friends,

Have you ever wanted to give up? If you’re anything like me, that’s happened more times than you can count. One example occurred last week on my first ever cruise.

I would’ve had no interest in cruising, had it not been for my mentor. For simplicity’s sake, we’ll call him David. Before I found him, I was a loser in every way. No drivers license, no college degree, no “real” job, and no support system. All I had was a rare disease, a mountain of bills, and an artistic talent that everyone dismissed as useless. David, a brilliant but controversial artist in his own right, took me under his wing and encouraged me when I had nobody. The day we met, I made a promise. I would honor his belief in me by becoming someone worthy of it, and I would devote my life to giving back to him because if it weren’t for him, I would no longer have a life.

That promise brought me on a cruise ship. David and another gentleman were teaching classes on communication and marketing; studying under them was the next step to fulfilling my promise. The first day, David gave an assignment: record your shore excursions and post them to social media. I wanted nothing to do with that! Not only do I hate being filmed, but I don’t thrive in warm, sunny beach climates. Due to my disease, I have trouble balancing on uneven surfaces like sand, and migraines triggered by heat and bright light. I knew this excursion would be grueling, but I owed it to David to try.

Onn day 2 of the cruise, I was awake at 5:30 AM. My legs were so swollen it hurt to stand, but I did. I showered, dressed, ate breakfast, and met my excursion group at the designated place and time. A crew member led us off the ship, down four flights of stairs. What?! Nobody mentioned that! My balance issues make stairs difficult, but I was afraid I’d get lost if I took the elevator. Slowly but surely, I made it down the stairs and off the ship to wait for a tour bus. Even with sunglasses, the sun hurt my eyes! My legs felt like they were on fire, but I stayed in line until the bus came.

Two hours later, the bus arrived at the beach. I was so nervous! What if I tried to walk on sand and fell on my face in front of everyone? Cane in hand, I made my way to the nearest chair. I could’ve played it safe and stayed there, but this was my first time on a beach since I was ten. Who knows when I’d get to come back? It seemed a shame to waste the chance to swim in the ocean!

The cane helped me walk on sand, but I couldn’t take it in the ocean. The ground gave beneath my feet. The waves threw off my center of gravity, but I kept going. Just when I thought I’d found my balance, I tripped and fell in up to my neck. Everybody stared at me, some with derision, others with pity. A man offered to help me, but I refused. I didn’t want to look any weaker than I already did. I would get out of that ocean myself or die trying!

I returned to my chair, humiliated, frustrated, and ready to give up. Then I thought of David. What would I tell him when I saw him later? I knew he would forgive mistakes, but he wouldn’t want me to quit. So I tried again. This time, I was able to balance long enough to swim in the ocean and make it back to my chair unassisted. Despite many setbacks that day, it was worth it to see the look on David’s face when he heard what I did. His smile and kind words made every hardship seem so small!

For all my shortcomings, I’m not a hypocrite. I won’t give advice I can’t follow myself, so I can’t tell you to love and believe in yourself. Although I don’t love myself, I love David more than I hate myself. I don’t believe in myself, but I believe in him. As long as he believes in me, that’s enough reason to keep persevering.

My advice is to find something you can believe in until you can believe in yourself, be it a person, a pet, a religious figure, a hobby, a cause, a goal, anything. Dedicate yourself to that purpose, and work for it with everything you have. Maybe your dreams won’t come true the way you planned, but when you serve something greater than yourself, good things will come your way!

Good luck!

Dear Universe,

Here we are at the start of a new year again, and we all know what that means. The annual ritual of donning a mask of optimism and acting as if our lives are going to go through some dramatic change just because the calendar changes. Every year, I hear the cliched cries, “New year, new you!” And every year, I have to scoff and roll my eyes. Realistically speaking, how many New Year’s resolutions become reality? How many people can look back at the end of any given year and say they’re a different, better person than when the year started? A lucky few, maybe. Others look back on the year with little more than dashed hopes and disappointment.

There was a time when I bought into the “New year, new you” hype like everyone else. Twenty years ago, I thought, This is going to be my year! I had goals of making straight As, losing weight, finding a boyfriend, and being popular. I had longer-term goals of getting my drivers license, graduating with honors, attending college and eventually law school, finding a high-paying job, and starting a family. None of those things ever happened for me, While some failures were of my own doing, many more were due to circumstances beyond my control. Being aromantic-asexual killed my chances of dating or starting a family, and having a rare disease killed my chances of doing everything else on my past goals list.

As much as we want to believe our lives will get better, sometimes the world deals you a bad hand that can’t be changed, no matter the amount of hard work or positive thinking. I, of all people, know how life has a way of derailing expectations, and even on the rare occasion that I do achieve a goal I’ve set for myself, not much changes. Last year, I lost 45 lbs, which combined with the 65 lbs I lost in 2022 makes 110 lbs lost in the past two years, but I’m still fat. Last year, I earned $300 with my writings, but I’m still financially struggling. I’m tired of setting myself up for heartbreak and disappointment by hoping for improvement year after year, so I won’t be making any lofty goals for 2024, such as getting a new job or starting a family. Those things are about as likely to happen as pigs flying, and I refuse to lie to myself and others in the name of optimism.

Not only will I not be making big goals for myself, I won’t be making any goals for myself at all in 2024. This year, my goals are to help others. My list of 2024 goals is as follows:

1. Raise money to help my friends who are struggling. One of my friends is stuck with thousands of dollars in hospital bills; another friend has roof damage from a recent snowstorm. Both are financially struggling just as much, if not more than me, and I don’t want them to have to go without food or utilities because life was unkind to them.

2. Participate in at least 1 Facebook fundraiser monthly. I periodically participate in Facebook fundraisers, such as “Walk X miles a month” or “Read X amount of minutes a day” for various charities. Although I haven’t had much success raising money yet, these challenges help me keep up with my fitness and reading goals and help other people with disabilities get the services they need.

3. Lose 50 – 70 lbs this year. I started my weightloss journey two years ago because of my mentor. Along the way, I’ve lost 110 lbs and gained new friends. While I don’t want to set unrealistic goals and be disappointed in myself at the end of the year, I owe it to my mentor and friends to keep up with my weight loss until I reach my goal weight.

4. Study under my mentor, and put that knowledge to good use. My mentor is hosting a cruise in March, not a “just for fun” cruise but a study cruise. It’s 6 days’ worth of classes on communication and marketing, which I hope will help me earn more money.

5. Earn at least $500 with my art and writing. My disability prevents me from working a traditional job, so my opportunities for earning money are limited. I rely on my artistic talents to make money but still need more coming in to achieve my goals.

All of which brings me to my most important goal for 2024, get back to New York this December for my mentor’s Christmas concert. My mentor came into my life at its darkest point and is one of the few people to believe in me, despite my many shortcomings. I owe it to him to show up each year and to strive for the goals on this list, so that his faith in me won’t be in vain. Although I can’t hold out hope for my own betterment, I can hope that others’ lives may be better because of me.

Endless days bleed together
Troubles run one into the next
Drowning in a flood of bills
Home a run-down prison I can’t fix
Watching, waiting for December
To slow the hardships’ steady parade
Biding time to take my flight
And seize just one good day

Tossed and battered by life’s unyielding storm
Guided only by my siren’s soothing song
Twelve months fighting a constant battle
Brought me back where I belong
If I had to starve, beg, borrow, steal,
Or sell all I own, it’d be worth the trade
For this moment shinier than diamond,
Worth more than gold, just one good day

Dying fires of hope rekindle, burning bright
As the lights against a New York skyline
Evergreen eyes outshine the decorated trees,
Seeing past my flaws as they gaze into mine
Those kind eyes and encouraging words
Sustain me until I can find my way
Back to this place in a different time
Reunited for just one good day

A sweltering Florida night
A room full of twinkling starry lights
The blonde in the little black dress
In a crowd of strangers, looking to impress
A year of joy merged into one
That day my life had just begun
On August 28, 2021

Against all odds standing here
In the face of doubt, mistakes, and fears
Then suddenly my pain made worthwhile
By ocean eyes and a benevolent smile
The one who all the world shunned
In that moment became second to none
On August 28, 2021

Out of that kindness came a vow
To be something greater than I am now
To rise from the doldrums of my malaise
And become worthy of that glowing praise
A promise burns brighter than the sun
And I’ll remember until my life is done
That day, August 28, 2021

To my mentor, friend, and father figure,

It’s hard to believe that it’s been over two years since we crossed paths. Does it sound vain if I say it’s even harder to believe how far I’ve come since then? Before you came into my life, I was a nobody with nothing. I was a thirty-something with no spouse, child, “real” job, degree, drivers’ license, or close friends and family. All I had was a couple hundred extra pounds of weight, a mountain of bills I couldn’t afford, and a disability that killed my chances of a normal life.

I found your work about a year before we met. It was Summer 2020, at the height of COVID restrictions. By then, I’d resigned myself to my idle, isolated existence. My life was never going to get better, so there was no point in living anymore. I spent my days just waiting to die, either by my own hand or by slowly eating and drinking myself into an early grave, until I saw something that changed my life. You.

While mindlessly scrolling through my phone one day, I happened upon a video of your work. Something about it intrigued me enough to click on it, and I’m so glad I did! In the character you created, I saw someone like myself who had fallen short of the benchmarks of adulthood in every way imaginable. By the end of the video you had me crying along with you, and coming from a woman who hides behind stoicism and silence, that’s saying a lot!

For the first time in many years, I wasn’t misunderstood and alone. For the first time, I had hope that I wasn’t too far gone to make something of my life. I made a choice that day that I would survive the pandemic in hopes of someday thanking the man responsible for that video.
It was a warm Florida night when I got my chance. There’s no need to ask if you remember. You promised you wouldn’t forget, and you’re the type of person who remembers everything anyway. While I know you remember the night itself, I don’t think you know what I had to go through to be there. I never told you how scared and sick I was because I was afraid you’d judge me, but now I don’t think you would.

Getting to that event in Florida meant flying for the first time in my life, something I was afraid to do. I wasn’t scared of the actual flight; I was scared of everything that could go wrong up to that point. What if the TSA harassed me? What if the airline lost my reservation or forgot to assign me both of the seats I booked? What if the baggage handlers lost my luggage? What if the other passengers fat-shamed me? Worse yet, what if I went through all of that only to have my flight delayed or canceled?

I was awake worrying the entire night before my flight, and by the time my cab arrived, my stomach was in knots. Part of me wanted to back out and write the trip off as a lost cause, but I didn’t. I owed it to you to show up.

That flight wasn’t the only time I had to step outside my comfort zone on that journey. By the time the event itself rolled around, I was running on too little sleep and too much to drink. My legs were so swollen that I could barely walk underneath the long dress I wore to hide my body, yet walking into that room was exactly what I did. As I looked around, I saw men and women in their designer clothing and fine jewelry, talking amongst themselves. Then it hit me. They all knew each other, and I didn’t know anyone!

What right did I have to stand among them? I was just the fat, awkward weirdo in the cheap Walmart dress. It was only a matter of time before everyone in that room, including you, would figure out that I didn’t belong there! I wanted to walk right back out the door before that happened, but I’d come too far to turn back. This might be my only chance to thank you for the inspiration your work gave me when I needed it most.

I stood along the wall next to a promo kiosk, far out of the way so as not to say the wrong thing and annoy others. Despite my best efforts, I still managed to make an idiot of myself by mistaking one of the event’s most important attendees for a kiosk employee. I was mortified! What if I made a mistake like that when I tried to talk to you? What if that person warned you to steer clear of me because I was so weird and rude? I didn’t want to take that chance!

For the second time that night, I wanted to run away. For the second time, I didn’t. Minutes ticked by as I stood on the sidelines watching, panicking. What if you left the event before I got up the courage to speak to you? I slowly inched away from my hiding place, watching you and your entourage for a break in the conversation. Suddenly you turned around and saw me standing there with the gift I made for you.

I could barely get the words out to tell you how and why I made that gift. The whole time, the thought was in the back of my mind, What if he hates me at first sight for my looks or my accent? What if he loses patience with my awkwardness? I mentally prepared myself for the inevitable rejection to which I’d become accustomed, but it never came. When I thought I’d find derision, you gave me encouragement. The person in the room with the most cause to look down upon me was the person who treated me with the most compassion.

I walked away from that interaction thinking, Did that really just happen? In the real world, people like me aren’t supposed to win over people like you. That’s only in fairy tales! I didn’t know how it happened, but I knew I didn’t want to give up that feeling of belonging! That night, I faced a choice. I could go back to the idle way of life I knew and let your acceptance be a one time thing, or I could honor that acceptance by becoming someone worthy of it.

Just once, I wanted to measure up to someone’s expectations, so I decided to make one last-ditch effort to improve myself. That night, I made a promise that I would turn my life around and not let your belief in me be in vain. While I still have a long way to go, I’ve made slow but sure progress. In the past two years, I’ve lost 100 lbs, laid the groundwork to start an online business, and stepped outside my comfort zone many more times. One such time let me fulfill a lifelong dream of visiting New York at Christmas, and another is going to take me on my first ever cruise next year. Everything I am now is because of your encouragement, and I can never thank you enough!

Dear Past Self,

How are you? If I had to guess, I’d say you’re probably feeling angry and discouraged from another day being bullied at school. Were you bullied about your weight? Your clothes? Your interests? Maybe it was something else with which you never imagined anyone would find a problem. Whatever it was, I’ll bet the bullies got away with it, and the teacher tried to make it your fault somehow. If you tried to stand up for yourself, you were probably punished. If you cried, you were scolded. I’ll bet the teacher said something like, “You’re just too sensitive.” “You need to toughen up.” “Big girls don’t cry.” Does any of that sound familiar?

If a more understanding teacher was around when this happened, they probably said, “Don’t pay any attention to them” or “It gets better.” Sure, they mean well, but that’s not exactly helpful either. I know you’re sick of hearing those phrases repeated over and over. You’re sick of the injustice of it all. You’re sick of being misunderstood; you’re sick of the lies. Well, I’m not going to lie to you.

I won’t tell you to ignore your bullies because I know it’s useless. With a memory like ours, you won’t forget the cruel things they say, even when you wish you could. I won’t tell you it gets better because I don’t know if that’s the word I’d use to describe our life. Maybe not “better”, but it does get different. One day, you’ll leave school and experience what adult life has to offer, the good and the bad. You’ll experience so many new and important things that will make every word the bullies say seem like a drop in the bucket by comparison!

You probably have a million questions about the future. You’re probably wondering if you’ll go to a prestigious university, find love, have children, and have a high-paying job. Depending on your age, you may be dreaming of a future as a teacher, actress, or lawyer. I won’t tell you if those dreams come true because knowing you, you’d probably do something to change our history if you knew what the future holds. All I’ll say is things don’t turn out the way you planned, and that can be a good or bad thing, depending on how you look at it. You may never have an idealized, normal life, but that doesn’t mean you can’t live a fulfilling one.

When you get older, there’s an expectation that you get wiser too. Frankly, I don’t feel wise enough to give anyone advice, but I’ll do my best. I know you need it, and you got some truly stupid advice from the people who were supposed to protect you. First of all, your teachers are wrong. They’ll say you’re too smart for your own good. They’ll tell you you’ll never belong unless you hide your intellect and interests. Nearly twenty years later, I still don’t understand why they thought that was good advice to give a child! Teachers are supposed to foster learning, not stifle it. In time, you’ll see how ironic that advice was coming from them, and we can have a good laugh about it. Now all you need to know is that it was bad advice.

You do not have to dumb yourself down to get people to like you! It’s true that not everybody will understand or appreciate your intellect, but the ones who matter will. Maybe you don’t fit in with your hometown, but there’s a huge world out there, full of diverse beliefs and customs. You’ll get to experience some of it for yourself. Someday you’ll fulfill your dream of going to New York. You’ll get to shop in Times Square and see Phantom of the Opera on Broadway just like you wanted, and it’ll be even better than you dreamed! When you get there, you’ll notice something interesting. The people there have a better appreciation of the arts and pop culture than back home, and they don’t look at you like a monster because you don’t wear bright colors or a cross necklace. You may be scared at first, but you’ll get there and fit right in!

I know you don’t believe it now, but you will find your people. Your mom, dad, and grandparents will be there for you as long as they’re alive, so be kind to them while you can. One day you’ll wish you’d been kinder. You’ll have your cat for seventeen years, and he’ll be your best friend when you have nowhere else to turn. When he’s gone, you’ll find new friends, both animal and human, to help you navigate life’s ups and downs. Your neighbors will always have your back, and while your extended family may not fully get you, they’re good people. Best of all, you’ll find a new friend and father figure in the most unlikely place, and he’ll help you find your true purpose in life.

All the things that you’re bullied for now (your intelligence, interests, emotions, etc.) will eventually lead you exactly where you’re supposed to be. Trust your instincts, and enjoy the ride!