Six years. That’s how long it took to be properly diagnosed and taken seriously. Six years of unexplainable pain and feeling like I’ve gone insane. Women are often dismissed and ignored by medical professionals, and as a woman whose health wasn’t taken seriously for many years, the most important message I could share is to advocate for yourself no matter how exhausted you are and how long it takes. It’s 2013, and I have extreme symptoms when it’s time for my cycle to come around; other women in my life don’t seem to feel this way. Am I just weak? I go to get seen and they assume I’m being intimate. I’m only sixteen and sex is the last thing I want. I’m saving myself for marriage. I’m put on the pill for pain.
2014, they suggested more exercise, dieting, and flossing more. I’m healthy and have good dental hygiene this doesn’t make sense. 2015, a new form of contraception and the diagnosis of a thyroid condition called Hashimoto’s disease finally explained what I’ve been feeling. I start to let out a breath of relief but it’s not complete. My virginity is stolen from me, and I’m now at an all-time low, and I give up on finding out what’s wrong. In 2019, I experienced a chemical pregnancy, and my symptoms and pain have increased tremendously. The pain is constant and debilitating. I enter a fight or flight mode. After several years of pain and feeling like I’m being listened to but not heard I’m ready to give up and take my own life when I discover my last glimmer of hope.
My aunt. My hero. The one I owe so much to had taken me out to dinner and listened to me vent. I was finally being heard and given the courage to try just one final time before I let any negativity win. I make an appointment with someone new. I explain how I haven’t felt seen, what I was experiencing, how it makes me feel, and what I thought it was. I was practically diagnosed on the spot, but this is something that can only be diagnosed through exploratory surgery. December 16th, 2019, the day my life was changed, and I was finally heard. I was diagnosed with one of the most painful diseases most commonly found in women. Endometriosis is an often misunderstood chronic inflammatory disease where scar tissue grows on your organs. There is no cure and few treatment options but I found hope knowing I wasn’t weak and my pain wasn’t made up. It was real. I was finally able to let out that breath I was holding in for so long. I often wonder how much longer it would have taken to discover I was dealing with such an awful disease if I had given up and listened to the medical professionals who told me the pain was in my head. I have known of a few women who weren’t taken seriously and died of this disease. I hope sharing my journey encourages people to listen to their bodies and fight for themselves when they know something is wrong. If we don’t advocate for ourselves who will?

I close my eyes and blow on a dandelion, making a wish to have you here for one more year. I open my eyes and watch as the seeds fly around. You are not here but I feel you are near, watching over me when I cry or feel fear. You will never know when that one more embrace, dance, or moment will be the last. If I had known when I woke you would be gone I would not have let go so fast. You sparkled brighter than any star in the sky, I would give them all to hear you sing one more lullaby. My guardian angel, you are so dear. I am still wishing for you to appear, one final moment to have you right here. One day I will join you for a dance in the sky, until then I will never be the first to let go again or deny a kiss goodbye.

Nights full of laughter and conversations of nonsense, I’m falling for you there’s no stopping it. In every dimension our souls intertwine. I’m drowning in your ocean blue eyes. In your arms I lay at night. You are my home. You are my light. Let’s fall in love in every life.

Dear younger self,
I know you are sitting in that yellow chair wondering why mom never showed up. You’re feeling like you’re not worthy of love and wondering if there will ever be anyone in your life who won’t run away. You blame yourself for the adults that have failed you. I know it seems impossible but with time it will get better. You will find people who not only love you but make you feel safe. You find a husband who gives you the Cinderella story you dream of having. You no longer dream of running away and finding a better place. You’re in a space that’s full of peace and warmth. I know it’s not easy but it will all be worth it so, hang in there sweet girl all of your dreams will become a reality.
Sincerely,
Your future self.