I wonder how old I have to be before
people stop seeing my body
before they see me?

all life long
little black girls are sexualized
before they can even form a concept of the self.

12 year old me
standing in line at Smart & Final with my grandma
wearing my favorite romper
adorned with vibrant yellow sunflowers
and a conservative white shall.

That was the first time I got t h e stare
The licking of lips
and flirtatiously raised eyebrow from
the mid 50-something year old cashier
who kept a straight face until my grandmother looked away.
His glare of desire will always be engraved in psyche.
I didn’t know pedophiles existed
until I looked one in the face.

We can’t help that we bloom early
Blossom early into our womanhood
even when we are still kids.

What has to give before my DDD’s
stop entering the room before I do?
Before the melanin in my skins stops
telling my story before I even have the chance to speak?
Also….
what else has to be said before men
can comprehend that comparing my skin and my body to chocolate
and to meat is NOT a complete.
It’s dehumanizing.
Just. fucking. stop.

Ethnic women do not exist for the male gaze
or to be the starting point for your think pieces on feminism.
We are more than our bodies
and more than our skin tone.
We are the spirit
We are light
We ARE the blueprint
and the curator of most things
that you know and love.
Put some respect on our names
and treat us as such.

Tall and proud, cast in shadows, the silhouette of a man,
A figure forged from fire and pain, his spirit steadfast, a fan.
For every trial, a lesson learned, inscribed upon his skin,
Like ancient symbols etched in ink, his countenance within.

His body, made of steel and stone, a vessel unbreakable,
A force to be reckoned with, unyielding and unshakable.
His muscles, like the roots of trees, unbreakable in their grip,
The bond of ancestors unbroken, through every trial and slip.

His eyes, like burning embers, flames flickering within,
A soul that’s seen a thousand years, yet still alive and raring to win.
His scars, like tales of triumph, etched upon his flesh,
A testament to fortitude, a spirit that won’t rest.

Through every desert, every storm, he’s journeyed through the night,
Rising ever higher, like the phoenix, taking flight.
Breathing in winds of change, igniting flames of hope,
His heart beats with a newfound strength, a soul that’s learned to cope.

My Dear Body,

This letter is to express my gratitude and love for you. You are more than societal ideals and judgments; you are a masterpiece. Strength and beauty shine through your delicate frame as you carry me with grace and endurance, allowing me to experience life fully.

Together, we have faced challenges and overcome obstacles. In those moments of doubt and uncertainty, you have shown me the power of perseverance. Your size does not define your ability to achieve greatness. You are a force to be reckoned with, capable of so much more than what meets the eye.

I apologize for any unfair judgment I’ve placed upon you. Those moments were not a true reflection of your worth. You are worthy of authentic love, respect, and kindness, regardless of your size or shape. I admire your strength and resilience, carrying me through each day. I promise to love you, care for you, and embrace our uniqueness

Together, we will celebrate our individuality and embrace the qualities that make us who we are. We will stand tall, even in the face of heartbreak, knowing that our worth is not dictated by external appearances. We will redefine beauty on our own terms, radiating confidence and self-love from the depths of our souls.

Remember, Body, we are a team. We have each other’s backs, and we will support one another unconditionally. Let’s embrace our differences, celebrate our strengths, and be proud of who we are, regardless of our physical appearance. But I want you to know that these actions are not driven by a desire to conform to societal standards, but rather to ensure your well-being.

You are a gift, and I am grateful to walk this journey with you. In a world that may try to diminish your light, know that you are cherished. Thank you for being my consistent companion.

With boundless love and gratitude,
-Anna G.

Dear Queer Religious Teenage Self,

You don’t remember this, but you once told Mom that you liked girls at a young age. The reason that you don’t remember realizing that you are queer at such a tender age is that your parents are pastor’s kids and Pentecostals. Their reaction to this information about you led to prayer and fasting. You learned that being gay, though you did not know the term for it then, was something to be ashamed of. To cope, to stay safe in your family and community, you repressed any hint of queerness. You became homophobic and transphobic with a religious zeal that only a self-hating closeted gay could possibly possess. You hurt your friends and yourself with this because you were fighting so hard to deny a critical part of yourself.

There was a lot of agony surrounding the delayed realization of the truth. Accepting ourselves and leading an honest life would result in the loss of your family and faith community. To retain those relationships, you would have to condemn yourself to a lifetime of lies and repression that could only have negative long-term effects on your mental health and well-being. Years went by as you examined every facet of these choices and all of the possible consequences. You begged God to heal you, to take away your homosexuality so that your family wouldn’t view you as an abomination. You prayed, fasted, cried, screamed, etc., but nothing worked. The religious trauma had you believing that you were unnatural, wrong, and perverse when your queerness is a beautiful, natural thing to be celebrated, not scorned and hidden.

This back-and-forth cycle of rejection and acceptance of self leads you to some dark places, but eventually, you make it out. You’ll leave Christianity, you’ll go through the painful process of orphaning yourself by going no-contact with the majority of your biological family, but you also gain a chosen family.

Teenage self, you may struggle now and in the future, but with time you will be able to make decisions that honor who you are and bring you closer to who you want to be. The journey is in no way easy, but it is wholly worth it. Stay strong, be brave; you’ve got this!