Activity
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Yvonne Torres shared a letter in the
Magical Moments group 1 months, 1 weeks agoCry, Scream, get Angry, feel all your emotions.
Yvonne torresThere are two special moments that I experienced that helped change my mindset. Both happened in the state of California, but on different trips. The first trip I ever made to California was for my highschool graduation, the other was to visit some family I haven’t seen in years. Both trips happened within one month though, but before I tell you about those trips, I have to give a bit of a backstory for you to really understand why these moments were so special for me.
Before I had made any of those trips, I was a mess. It was during my senior year of highschool. I was only a few months in the year when my life went through some major developments, and I didn’t know how to handle them. My mom had gotten in a relationship, and let’s just say it wasn’t a good one. They moved too fast, and before I knew it, he and his kids were basically living in our tiny apartment. My life was turned upside down. My home was my safe place, my comfort. Now I didn’t have that anymore. They even put the responsibility of taking care of his kids on me. I already had my other two siblings to comfort during this time. I had to do all that, plus try and finish my senior year so I could even graduate. It was a lot for me. I felt overwhelmed and tired. I didn’t know it yet, but I was pushing myself to my breaking point. When I did try to explain these feelings to my mother, she turned a cold shoulder to them. Saying I was being ‘dramatic’ and being a ‘brat’. When I would cry to her about how I felt, she would say I’m being sensitive. She didn’t say it, but her actions made me feel that whenever I wanted to cry or express my feelings I was being weak. Strong people don’t cry. If you cry, then your weak. If it’s too much for you then your not strong enough. You can’t cry. You can’t express your feelings. You can’t. This was my mindset back then.
Fast forward to my graduation trip in June, that’s when I reached my limit. I didn’t know it yet, but that was when I couldn’t be strong anymore. I couldn’t keep a brave face. That weekend I broke down. Tears and all. All the way to my tia’s (aunt) house I cried. I cried while my dad held my hand while he was driving, trying his best to comfort me. He held my hand all the way to his sister’s house. It must’ve been difficult for him to drive that long way with only one hand. I’m grateful he did though. When I got to my tia’s house, I went to the restroom to gather myself together, to put on my strong suit of armor and act like everything was ok. I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it anymore. I sat on the bathroom floor and cried, telling my sister that it was all my fault over and over again. My tia found me crying in the bathroom. She took me to her room and then my tio (uncle) came in. I was crying still, my hands in my face. This is where the moment happened. He came up and wrapped one arm around me, brought me to his side, and kissed the top of my head. That’s it. That’s all he did. But I couldn’t believe he did that. I haven’t seen him in years, since I was a baby. He felt comfortable enough with me to kiss the top of my head like that? Really? I was shocked. Surprised that he did that.
The second moment happened when I went down there the second time, wanting desperately to escape my toxic household and responsibilities. I stayed a week at my tia’s house and during my stay there she wanted to make it as much fun as she could. She got my cousin and I tickets to go to the amusement park. I had so much fun with her. We were gone the whole day, and didn’t get back until midnight, almost 1. The next day, I slept in until ll, tired from my day before. My tia came in the room where I was staying and said we were gonna go to the outlet mall. I would have been up for it if I wasn’t such an introvert and needed 3 days to recover from a big day out. I just agreed with her, but inside I was dying. I was so grateful that she was doing this though. Later on, my cousin came into the room and said that her mom changed her mind and I wasn’t gonna go to the outlet mall today, but I was going tomorrow. I was grateful for this, but she then said that her mom wanted her to take me somewhere, like bowling or something. I could tell in my cousin’s eyes that she was tired too, and didn’t feel like going anywhere. She had mentioned that she had just started her period, and her mom was pressuring her to take me someplace fun. I was grateful that I even got to come here. I didn’t care where I went, or if I had to stay in this house for a day. I was just happy I was away from all of the chaos back at home. I told her this, saying she didn’t need to take me anywhere, that I was grateful for just being here. I told her she didn’t need to feel bad. She was on her period. I completely understood. I never want to do anything when I’m on my period. Just sleep. This was where the second moment happened. She looked at me for a second. Then she said, “I don’t know why but I always feel like everyone hates me.” Her eyes were glistening with tears and she layed down on the bed next to me. I told her not to feel that way, and I was ok with just staying in and watching a movie. She looked at me with a grateful smile, eyes still watery, and she reached for my hand. I instinctively grabbed it, and she have me a firm but gentle squeeze. I don’t remember if I squeezed back, if I did it was probably only slightly, but this moment stayed with me. I couldn’t believe she was crying in front of me. Showing her raw and unfiltered emotions. Being vulnerable like that in front of me. How could she do that? How could she feel safe enough to do that with me? How? Those were the questions I asked myself in my head.
Fast forward to present me. The me who is writing this right now, I think I understand why those moments impacted me so much. I was used to never showing my feelings. I used to never crying because if I did then I was weak. I was used to keeping it all inside. I didn’t want to cause trouble or make things harder for my mom. I wanted to be a good daughter. I wanted to help my mother in anyway I could have and make her life easier. I did do that, but at the cost of myself. My feelings. My sanity. I put everyone else first but myself. I neglected my feelings and my needs. I didn’t love me like I loved everyone else. These moments taught me that it’s ok to feel. It’s ok to cry, to be vurelable with someone. To feel your emotions and welcome them with open arms, not pushing them away or burying them deep down within yourself. Just because you feel, you cry, it doesn’t mean you are weak. It doesn’t mean you’re not strong. It’s being on the ground, screaming your lungs out, and still deciding to get up and move forward. That’s real strength. You break down and fall, but still choosing to carry on, broken pieces and all. That’s real strength. I still struggle with this sometimes. I catch myself falling back to my old ways, and I have to remind myself that it’s ok to feel. I still don’t fully have the expressing feelings or vulnerability down yet. I’m still learning to embrace everything I just said. But when I need to cry, I try to let myself have that moment. Or even when I’m angry, I try to feel that anger. I try to understand why I’m feeling it. All this is new to me. I’m still trying to figure it out. But I’m glad I’m trying to do better and change from my old way of thinking. It’s hard for me though, trying to change my old behavior. But I’m grateful to my family in California. I’m especially grateful for my dad. I’m grateful for all of them for helping me realize the damage my old way of thinking was causing me, even though some of them didn’t even know they were helping me.
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The Nameless Verse shared a letter in the
Current Events group 1 months, 1 weeks agoFROM THE OUTSIDE, I SAW
Kristopher HaeberlinI am not Palestinian.
But I watched the sky collapse through a screen—
a child’s name turned into ash
before the world ever learned to pronounce it.I don’t speak for them.
I listen.
To lullabies drowned by sirens,
to the hush after impact,
to a silence that roars louder than any flag.They don’t need my voice.
They need my volume.
So I turned comfort into confrontation,
ink into artillery,
and every poem into a siren that never shuts off.I was mid-bite,
wrapped in safety,
when the news showed fathers holding dust
where their daughters used to sleep.
I choked on privilege.
Felt rage boil beneath my ribs.You ask where I stand?
Not neutral—
because neutrality is just cowardice with a clean face.
I chose the ones who bury their children
and still find a way to pray.
I chose the ones
the world keeps trying to silence.This is not charity.
It’s reckoning.
Because silence is comfort.
And comfort, when others die, is betrayal.So from a distance,
I send fists full of reverence.
Love with its sleeves rolled.
Truth with no filter, no leash, no apology.I won’t be the poet
who rhymed for praise
while Palestine screamed in the background.
I’ll be the one who built a stage from my spine,
so their stories could echo louder than mine ever could.I am not Palestinian.
But I saw.
And now—
the world will too. -
Rose Eldridge shared a letter in the
Poetry group 1 months, 1 weeks agoScatter Brained
Rose EldridgeI shape, I form, I break.
I learn that the colors I show
need to be changed.
My habits need rearranged.
I mold, I bend, I snap.
All this pressure makes me restless, I think
I need a nap.
I crush under the rock of self hatred I’ve made.
But look at all I’ve gained….
It’s not enough, I need more
I need to be more
Do more
Pile high
And higher
And even higher
Until
And once again, I fade into the darkness.
I may never come out of this emptiness.
Everything feels so impossible today.
And just like it was never there, you look at me and it all fades away.
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Heather shared a letter in the
Poetry group 1 months, 1 weeks agoBreadcrumbs
HeatherShe’s not a duck
Stop feeding her breadcrumbs.
Give her the food she deserves.
Connection. Communication.
Give her the snacks she craves.
Honesty. Respect. Love.
Give her the desserts she fantasizes.
Intimacy. Intelligence. Stability.
She’s a one in a million soul
With so much potential.
So much aspiration.
So much love.
If only you weren’t addicted to carbs! -
Haley Felt shared a letter in the
Poetry group 1 months, 1 weeks agoA Softness in You
Haley Marie FeltIn the quiet of the world, I never sought,
But found a softness in you, like a tender thought.Not in the making, not in the plan—
But in the way you hold me, just as I am.
Like a warm blanket, a gentle embrace,
Where time slows down and hearts find their pace.Not a house to build, but a feeling to keep,
In the quiet of your love, I fall deep.
It’s the brush of a cheek, the softest kiss,
A quiet promise of eternal bliss.
With every touch, I am made whole,
You are the home that fills my soul.
In you, I’ve found a place to rest,
A love that swaddles me— even when it’s not at it’s best.Not a journey of seeking, but falling true,
I have found softness in you.In the warmth of a love that’s tender and kind.
Together we’ve found, not a place, but a way—
A soft, sweet home, where I hope to always stay. -
Haley Felt shared a letter in the
Poetry group 1 months, 1 weeks agoUnwelcome Guests
Haley Marie FeltInvite the unsavory versions of you to
the table, angry, bitter, resentful; pour
them tea and settle their queries.Give each of them grace, they did what
they could with what they knew.& now that you know what you do, no
longer invite those women to the table;
they no longer serve you. -
Haley Felt shared a letter in the
Poetry group 1 months, 1 weeks agoRapacious
Haley Marie FeltI have shared all of my parts with you
I have disassembled myself
Piece by piece
My unity, compassion, empathy, sympathy
My sanity
All harvested for your amour propreI thank you for releasing me
I would have followed you to hell
And yet —
Without sharing my best parts of me with you
I suddenly feel so alive -
michae1 shared a letter in the
Poetry group 1 months, 2 weeks agoBeautiful
Michael L George jrDo everything you
Feel like is gonna be,
A good time.
Take a chance, don’t worry
About what’s About
To happen next.
Ride the vibe
Chill through the day
Wild’N at night.
Be~U~Til~Full
Because we’re all
BEAUTIFUL! -
Heather shared a letter in the
Poetry group 1 months, 2 weeks agoBackyard Swing
HeatherAs I sit on this backyard swing feeling the satisfying Arizona Spring breeze on my face,
I’m confronted by the little girl who loved swings.
Found joy from the schools swings.
Who found safety from the big brown wooden swing at her grandmother’s.
I’m confronted by the little girl
who wished for clarity
while pumping her little feet as fast as she could.
Who wished for love
while gripping the metal handles tightly.
Leaving her tiny palms as red as a tomato.
Who yearned for acceptance
while matching the speed from the other swings.As I sit on this backyard swing,
I let that little girl know
It’s okay to feel every emotion
While pumping those tiny feet.
While gripping the handlebars so tightly.
While racing for the acceptance from that next swing over.
It’s okay!
I also let her know
she’s okay to let that tight grip go.
I let her know
She doesn’t have to have to pump fast anymore.
I got her.
I let her know
she’s finally accepted by the one person
Who will never let her go.As I sit on this backyard swing,
I’m no longer confronted by the little girl
Yet, confronted with peace.
With understanding.
With love.
I’m confronted with the best version of myself! -
Heather shared a letter in the
Poetry group 1 months, 2 weeks agoImpossible Questions
HeatherAs a child, we crave small talk.
Let’s us be heard for a brief moment.
Until we’re quickly silenced by,
“Go find something to do.”As an adult, we crave deep conversations.
Small talk annoys us.
We want to know one another on a deeper level.
Time is a valuable thing.
Small talk takes too much of it.As a child, we ask the most silliest childish questions.
“Why’s the sky blue?”As adults, we ask the impossible questions.
The cut throat get to know you on a deeper more intimate level questions.
“What has been your most humbling experience?”As children, we crave small talk.
Adults, we want the impossible. -
Heather shared a letter in the
Poetry group 1 months, 2 weeks agoHer Hero
HeatherThe young lil girl who fought to wear glasses
Yet loved to help put the butter
In the mixing bowl for those chocolate chip cookies, wrote a book.
The young lil girls hero wrote a book.* 3 word prompt: Book. Butter. Glasses. *
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TaMara E'Lan G. shared a letter in the
Poetry group 1 months, 2 weeks agoNomad Of Love
TaMara E'Lan G.“Who are you?” A voice asked.
I broke from my trance, aware of the soothing warmth of the ceramic mug, the chatter of voices, and the feel of eyes upon me. Qiyamah.
He smiled, repeating himself slowly.
“Who are you?”
Who am I? For that brief moment I knewI am a nomad of love
Wandering through deserts of despair
Camping in oasis that fade away
Hunting on land full of swift souls
And still I forge on.
I am a warrior of love
Planning the best defense to protect
My heart standing knee deep in false hope
Fighting for a prize I have yet to find
And still I solider on.
I am an artist of love
Molding my burning desires into shapes
Writing a song that dares to be sung
Painting a picture only I can see
And still I dream on.
I am a believer of love
Preaching on theories that have no validity
Teaching a vision of both folk and faith
Praying for something I know must be
And always I move on.
Onward to the final destination.
That I know, that I feel, that I need –
love.But instead I smiled and said,
“I am a very…simple woman.”*Nomad of Love ©️ 2004 TaMara E’Lan G.
**Excerpt from
Timeless: Through the Eyes of a Poet by TaMara E’Lan G. ©️ 2018-
This is so powerful and beautiful and bold. I love your creativity, your voice and your spirit. Keep shining.Keep being you. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being part of the Unsealed.<3 Lauren
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Thank you Lauren 😊 Thank you for creating such a safe, loving and nurturing space for us. May The Most High continue to bless your endeavors in all you do ❤️🙏🏾✨️
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Christina shared a letter in the
Poetry group 1 months, 2 weeks agoApril Showers.
Christina g.I defrosted winter just to feel your warmth, bearing the storms so you can transform.
The wind carries my name, but you pay it no mind,
As you live in color while I’m left behind.
Each time I think, maybe it’ll be different, I hold out hope, despite what l’ve witnessed.
Another year goes by-wearing me thin.
My tears drown the earth while you soak it all in.
Beneath your bloom, I rot in silence.
I never knew love could be this violent.
.
.
She loved him so much,
that all of April cried so May could blossom.-
Aww Christina, this piece is heartbreaking. I hope things are better now. I love the picture. I have my fiance saved as “My Rainbow.” My friend runs a nonprofit called, “Love Doesn’t Shove.” And the name holds true, love never shoves. If you you are experiencing violence in your relationship you text 88788. It is a free domestic violence hotline.…read more
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Hi Lauren, I apologize for any misunderstandings. I am not in danger but I appreciate you! I’m thinking I should change the one sentence to “I never knew one sided love could be this violent.” These are just emotions from past experiences in life. 🫶🏻
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Oswald Perez shared a letter in the
Poetry group 1 months, 2 weeks agoWelcome To The Month of May
Oswald PerezDear Unsealers:
It’s the first day of May.
This feels surreal, given that January felt like it happened a century ago. But four months have now come and gone.
As I do, it’s time to welcome in the new month:
A welcome to May
The fifth month of the yearIt feels like a lifetime since January
When I wondered, “Why isn’t the year moving faster?!”Thirty-one new days are here.
With spring blooming, in full flightThe month to honor mothers
To remember those who gave the last full measure of devotion to the countryIt’s a blank slate ahead as another calendar page turns
After a busy April of writing poetry & dancingWith warmer days on the horizon
It’s time to emerge from hibernation.-
I always look forward to these monthly poems. They feel so refreshing and like a sense of renewal – a fresh start and something to look forward to for each month. Your spirit, energy and heart comes through in these pieces and I absolutely love it. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being part of The Unsealed. <3 Lauren
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Maggie Jane shared a letter in the
Poetry group 1 months, 2 weeks agoFlowers
Maggie janelike a flower
she grows and blooms
nourishing the world around her
she colors the earth
with her petals
reminding you to
take a moment and breatheshe’s wild
and free
just there to be
to be loved
admired
touched
and most importantly
she’s there as a blessing
from mother herself
to show you creation
the divine
how soft yet powerful
you can be -
Brittany Goodwin shared a letter in the
Remembering those we lost/Grief group 1 months, 2 weeks agoYou're Enough and you're loved
Brittany GoodwinDear Tarrell,
That night is something I’ll never forget. When you took your own life in front of me, my heart didn’t just break—it exploded. I felt something sacred tear away inside me. I would’ve done anything to stop it, but it was too late. You were gone, and in that moment, a piece of me died with you.
I don’t know how to put into words what it’s been like living without you. That night changed me forever. I can still hear the silence afterward—how loud it was, how final. I keep reliving it. I see your face, your pain, and I wonder why you couldn’t hold on just one more minute. I would’ve held you. I wanted to help you carry the pain.
You were not only my husband, but also my safe place. For the first time, I felt seen, heard, and truly loved. Tarrell, you brought me peace and made life easier, softer—until that night. Now, the world feels cold and hollow without you here.
The kids… God, the kids. You didn’t share their blood, but you gave them your whole heart. You were the father Adalynn had always dreamed of. Thank you for giving her something no one else ever could: the feeling of being wanted, chosen, and protected. She lit up around you. Her heart trusted you in ways I had never seen. The bond you two had—it was rare, beautiful, and real. Egypt adored you, too. She still talks about you and asks where you went. They don’t understand why you would leave us.
Nine months later, and it still feels like yesterday. I will forever hate Mondays and the 15th. We’re in therapy, all of us, and trying to piece ourselves back together. Nothing will ever be the same, and trying to find our new normal has been the biggest struggle for us. I’m not the same. PTSD, anxiety, panic attacks—I carry all of it now.
I know you were hurting. I know you were carrying so much that you couldn’t even find the words to tell me. I also know the Army made you feel you had to be strong all the time. That crying made you weak. That vulnerability was a failure. It never was. Crying, asking for help, falling into my arms—that would’ve been the bravest thing you ever did. I wish you had seen that. I wish you had believed that being emotional didn’t make you any less of a man. If anything, it would’ve made you even more of one.
I would’ve carried every ounce of your pain if it meant keeping you here. I would’ve done anything. You didn’t have to go through it alone. You were never alone. We loved you through it all—flaws, battles, shadows, and all. I just wish love had been enough to save you.
Now I’m left picking up the pieces—with the girls by my side—trying to create a new kind of life in a world I never wanted to know. One without you.
I love you so much. I miss you every second of every day. Tarrell, I always will.
Forever yours,-
Oh Brittany, I am so very sorry that you went through this and I am so sorry that you and your whole family are hurting. But I am glad you are in therapy and taking care of yourself and your children. Tarrell sounds like he was an amazing man with incredibly kind and loving heart. You honor his legacy so beautifully. Sending more hugs your way. <3…
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Jake shared a letter in the
Magical Moments group 1 months, 2 weeks agoLife Is Greener With YOU
JakeI think I have fallen in love with you; it’s been a long journey of convincing myself that I am worth having you.
I get up early just to spend time with you, and you are the last thought that I have at night. You make me a better version of myself, because I never want to give anything but my best to you!
No matter the day, you are always there for me, encouraging me to be better than yesterday, but regardless, I know I will always have you there!
You are golf!
I love you!
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Aww Jake I love how you pursue all the things you love and want to do in life. Your spirit is amazing. I am so glad you are enjoying golf! Thank you for sharing <3 Lauren
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Hi Lauren,
Sorry for my delayed response @theunsealed! Thank you for the kind words! I can truly feel the happiness you have for me in this post!
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Heather shared a letter in the
Poetry group 1 months, 3 weeks agoNo Quitter Here
HeatherAll those years of being trapped by words unable to hear the birds.
All those years of being suffocated to speak unable to reach the highest peak.
All those years of sitting alone waiting to be grown.
Waiting to break free from what was thought to be rock bottom.
All those years of discomfort and uncertainty led me to today,
Full of triumph and determinedly.-
Heather, I am glad you reached a point of feeling triumphant. I too feel like my lowest moments led me to my best moments, to my strongest, best more empowered self. This piece is short but has a super powerful message. Thank you for sharing your energy, spirit and talent with us. Sending hugs. Thank you for being part of The Unsealed. <3 Lauren
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Thank you for such kinds. 🖤
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Heather shared a letter in the
Poetry group 1 months, 3 weeks agoA Toast To Her
HeatherEvery morning
I thank the little ray of sunshine inside of me.
The one who believed life could still be something extraordinary.
Even when the brutality of the world was enough to gnaw her up & spew her out.
Even when the cliff was right at her fingertips to end it all.That little ray of sunshine still chose life
& I’m forever in debt with her.
I owe it to her to make something remarkable & gentle of myself.On the days I’ve succeeded,
I gently put my hand on my heart
& softly speak the words, “this is for you” to her!-
Aww this is so beautiful. I love that you can recognize all the magic and light within you. Keep celebrating and honoring that magic1 Thank you for sharing and thank you for being part of The Unsealed. <3 Lauren
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Thank you for such. It’s taken me quite some time to see all the beauty from within. 🖤
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Cindy Newcomer shared a letter in the
Remembering those we lost/Grief group 1 months, 3 weeks agoLetters between a daughter and father
Letters Between a Father and Daughte
by Cindy Newcomer
Here is a brief intro for the following letters. My dad died quickly and unexpectedly from cerebral hemorrhage in 1967 at the age of 42. I was two years old at the time and have no conscious memory of him. Very little was ever mentioned about him in our home. To say that my mom was not the nurturing, motherly type is an understatement. Discussing feelings, grief and loss about his death were not a part of life. I was basically left to try to understand the loss and deal with it on my own. Needless to say, I have spent a lifetime with some complicated grief issues. Fast forward to 2015. Russ, my husband of 15 years, my soul mate and my best friend, died suddenly from a massive heart attack. Although I have dealt with many losses in my life, this one hit me hard. Since how we deal with present circumstances is influenced by our past experiences, grief issues with my dad’s death resurfaced. I was challenged to write a letter to my dad and then to write a letter from my dad to me. I have written several letters over the years to my dad but always from a child’s point of view. I decided I wanted to do this from today, as a 52-year-old woman. I must have started the letter over a half a dozen times. I just couldn’t do it. Then one day I was finally able to.
Dear Dad,
I have spent a lifetime thinking about you. Wondering what you would have been like, what our relationship would have been like, what my life would have been like. I would usually imagine what I guess would be almost a parallel universe in which you didn’t die when I was 2. That this is how I have thought of you and us, just dawned on me today. My life is very different because of everything that happened. I really have no idea who I would be or what I would be like had you lived. My life has been an amazing adventure. Some good, some bad – all of it combined to make me, well, me.
I have always been kind of mad because you left and you didn’t take me with you. After a mere 50 years, I think I have gotten over that one. I guess I want to say thank you for creating me. Even though you weren’t around, you did really shape and influence my life. The things I know about you are what I learned from mom, Grammy, some other family members and some of your friends and our neighbors. What I always heard from mom is that you were a hard worker, a hard drinker and went to church every Sunday. Those things became my goals when I was younger. I developed a strong work ethic, I drank like a damn fish and I went to church every Sunday. Even though at this point in my life, I disagree with much of the Catholic doctrine, the influence of the church might be what kept me alive and on this side of prison bars. With you not being around and well, mom being mom, I learned how to be self-reliant, independent, learned how to improvise and problem solve. I learned very early that life isn’t fair. It amazes me that I meet so many people who are adults who still think life should be fair. What the hell is fair??? That may be a lesson that is better learned at a young age. I think it is harder for people to accept when they get older.
During my teen years I really tried to emulate you. I can look back now and see how messed up some of the stuff I did really was. Even when I was in high school, I worked and drank almost every day. I would always make it to church either Saturday night or Sunday morning. Granted, sometimes I was still drunk from the night before. After I graduated I frequently worked two to three jobs. From 18 to 20, it wasn’t unusual for me to work 60 to 70 hours in a week. Damn, would love to have that money again. I would pay mom rent money, then the rest usually got spent on alcohol, drugs, music and cigarettes. Somehow, I think you would have put a boot to my ass for that.
I was told by Grammy and Uncle Lynn that you were the type of man that would help anyone if you could. I have tried to be that way. It has gotten me into some trouble on a few occasions, but I still think it is a good way to live. Grammy also told me that you were direct. When you had something to say, you said it. That one has really bit me in the ass a few times. Discretion is not always my strong suit.
Back to when I was a teen. I knew you had been in the military so I joined the Army Reserves on my 18th birthday. A big part of my motivation to do that was to follow in your footsteps. It wasn’t until many, many years later that Aunt Mary told me that you didn’t really like women being in the military. Oops, sorry. I was just winging it. I didn’t have you to bounce this shit off of.
I can’t imagine how different things would have been and who I would be today without the life I have lived. It isn’t like I can take the parallel universes in which you live and the real world, have them side by side and only pick the good from each one. It would be a cool trick and an awesome science fiction movie, but it isn’t reality. I have two amazing kids. Not sure how you would feel about either of them though. You are from a generation that espoused some old school ideas and values. Their lives fit into more modern-day times of acceptance. They are amazing human beings though and I am so proud of both. They have been through some serious adversity in their lives and they continue to have good hearts and are amazing people. They are both smart, resilient, hardworking, caring, kind and just good people. You have a great granddaughter. She is so adorable. Your great grandson is on the way and is due on July 4th. (Yeah, I know, that is your and mom’s wedding anniversary.)
It is weird. All my life, I have believed that when I die, you and I will be together and I will get to see you. Regardless of all the manifestations of my beliefs in religion and spirituality, and no matter how I define a Higher Power, this has always remained a constant. I don’t even really know what I believe as far as an afterlife. The whole heaven and hell things just confuse me. I don’t know. Even though I don’t know, I still have the childlike vision of you and me hanging out in heaven that kind of looks like a cartoon or a sappy greeting card. I remember when I was younger and a relative said that playing cards was the work of the devil and we were all going to hell. Even then I envisioned us just sitting around a table playing cards in hell. Apparently, the cards we were using were fire-proof. It is weird to think of some of these things as an adult and see them for what they are. Childhood thoughts and fantasies. Even today, I still have a belief that we will be together. I have that wish to be with Russ again, but I don’t have that belief with the same conviction that I do with you. Plus, even though I have lost so many people in my life, you and Russ are the only two that I think that way about.
This is such a new and strange way of thinking. I guess it is more from an adult perspective rather than being stuck with a childlike perspective. Hey, that reminds me, I wrote you a letter one time when I was around 6 or 7. I even put it in an envelope, addressed it to Heaven and rode my bike to the Post Office to mail it. I wonder what I wrote in that.
I love you dad. I love the image of you, the thought of you. I love the thought that you loved me and you wanted me. I have tried to live my life in a way that would make you proud of me. I am sure I let you down a few times. Hopefully though overall, I am a person that you would like, love and be proud to call your daughter.
I love you,
Cindy
Within a few days of writing this letter, I went to a Reiki circle. Now I must clarify that Reiki is such a mystery to me. I have gone probably about a dozen or more times. I still want to be skeptical of it but I have fallen in love with it. The benefits I have received from it have been mind-blowing. Anyhow, I was driving home after the Reiki circle and the letter from my dad to me just started to formulate in my head. When I got back to where I was staying, I put on some music, closed my eyes and just started typing. When I got out of my own way, I was able to receive this letter from my dad.
Dear Cindy,
I never left you. I have been in your heart the whole time. I know that sometimes you are able to feel me there. Other times, you ignore that I am there. My love for my baby girl has never gone away. I didn’t want to leave you, but I didn’t have a choice in the matter. It was just my time. I couldn’t take you with me nor would I have wanted to;, you were a baby. Think about it, would you have been willing to take one of your kids along at that young age or even now? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Stop worrying about whether or not I am proud of you. YES, I am proud of you. Do I completely understand you, oh hell no. But then we are from two very different generations. The whole therapy, support group, reiki, meditation, essential oils, I won’t even pretend to understand that shit. I can say that as far as the therapy and support group goes, I guess it isn’t much different than me sitting with my buddies at the bar and talking to the bartender. Just you do it without the beer. Concept is pretty much the same though. Back to me being proud of you. You need to let that shit go. You are a smart, caring, kind person. You help others and keep your door open to anyone who needs a place, a hug or just a place to hang out. Your Grammy was that way too.
You take pride in the fact that so many people have told you that you are a lot like me. I want you to think about that for a minute. The people that you know that are like one of their parents, haven’t they spent a good deal of time butting heads with that parent because they are so much alike? I am sure we would have had our share of that. You can be too bull-headed, stubborn and independent for your own damn good. I am sure I would have booted you in the ass a few times.
It is time you move forward. I know you have missed me and that is ok. But it is time to stop using it as a crutch or an excuse to stay stuck. You are a grown-ass woman at this point. You can’t go back and change the past. Hold onto the stories and the love that I gave you while I was there. You still have it in there; just allow yourself to acknowledge it and feel it. I am a part of you and always will be, just like you are a part of your children. Again, would you want them to suffer and stay stuck about something the way you have over my death? No, I know you wouldn’t. You are a good parent and you love your kids, just like I loved you.
I know that somehow you have rationalized that staying stuck and not letting go is a way for you to remain loyal to me. It isn’t what I want. I want you to heal. Yeah life sucks sometimes, I mean hell, look at what all your Grammy went through. You still whining all these years later about the fact that I died when you were a baby doesn’t do anyone any good. It isn’t showing any sort of loyalty to me. That is your twisted thinking. It is time you let me go. I don’t mean forget about me. Let go of the wish that I was still alive or that I had lived longer. Accept my death for what it is. I loved you with my heart and soul while I was there. Just like you want your kids to carry your love for them in their hearts and souls long after you are gone, the same goes for me.
I will agree with you, it sucks that we didn’t get to spend more time together. But yet again, all the holding on, dreaming, wishing, hoping isn’t going to change the reality of what happened.
Let me go, and move forward with your life. Know that I love you, always have and always will. I am proud of you. You have gone through some shit and yet you still have compassion for others. You are a Bechdel through and through. We are a hearty bunch, strong and resilient. Don’t ever forget that. It is ok to let go. There is no shame in that. I know you aren’t letting go of me and even if you were, I am still not letting go of you. I am still a part of you.
I love you,
Dad-
All of this is absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking all in one.
The letter you wrote to your dad as an adult: I can feel your pain and your strong desire just to feel a connection to your father – living your life how you knew that he lived. Embodying his qualities and yearning for him.
Letter to him as a little girl: It is so sweet. So pure…read more
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