Life didn’t work out the way you thought. 

Don’t get me wrong, your life is amazing now, and better than you could have imagined, but it is nowhere near the plan you had envisioned. To be fair, your ten-year plan was flawless; Everything so perfectly articulated and not a measure out of place. It truly was a sight to behold. A girl with her head on so straight that the odds couldn’t beat her. She’s a shoe-in for everything she could want out of life. Then, came the kicker. 

You didn’t get into your top school. You chose a major you didn’t even think of before. You moved farther away from home than you could have anticipated. And that’s okay.

 You had such high goals and ambitions for yourself.  You set your sights so high that along the way, it seems you lost yourself amongst the clouds. You roamed around the libraries in your head for too long, I’m afraid. You, my dear, filled your mind with every fact, tidbit, and file of information that nothing else had room to grow in such a vast, but crowded garden. You replaced your insecurities with flashcards, your worries with study guides, and your doubts with extracurriculars after school because being a robot could get you into a good school, but being real and being human could not. You misconstrued friendships for tutoring sessions and took your leadership as a means for control, not guidance. You traded the chance to be a kid for the hopes of being a successful adult.

And then this little thing called a pandemic happened. It was almost as if the world…stopped. Nothing in time mattered more than being present because being present meant that you were with the people you loved. You garnered the ability to love and be loved. You were in the present and realized that time is a present, a gift meant to be opened once and used wisely. 

Something changed for you. You learned to let in your emotions and experience life. Many doors closed, but so many gates opened. What you never thought could be attained came flooding to you in an instant.

So, from me to you, I want to say that we’re doing just fine. You prepared me for the ‘what-if’s’ and infinite and endless possibilities that could have arisen. So now, I can prepare for our future. The future where we pursue our goals, but we also make friends along the way. The future where we love and let go. The future where you grow, and I grow with you. I, in your place, will prepare us for the portion of life where we live, and live boundlessly and blissfully. The portion of life where you, my dear, live, and live a thousand lives after because to be alive and live your life is the best present of them all. I’ll do my best to make you the happiest you’ve been and the proudest you’ll be because whether you believed it or not, you deserved to live too. 

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With Love,

Dearest,

Before we begin, go to the candy store three blocks down your house, the one with the bright colors and fuschia sign, and order a mint chocolate fudge. Ask for the recipe too. It’s simply too good to not try it as early as possible in life. You’ll thank me later.

Now, I believe you have just begun high school. I’m sorry. I hope you’re happier than I remember being. I remember the deep loneliness, the alienation, the indecision plaguing your every thought, and the estrangement from your family. I hope I’m remembering wrong but I don’t see that as very likely. I hope there’s smaller bits of happiness in your life to keep you going.

It’ll be okay. Eventually, you do make friends, and good ones at that. Amazing ones. And when those leave, you’ll make new ones too, and some of the ones that left will come back later on. It’s a whole thing but I promise you that they will love you and you will be of worth to them.

You don’t need to spend so much of your time thinking you’re not lovable. I promise you, you are, to so many people. And most of all, to me. I know you and I love you (myself).

After all the drudgery of high school and stress and feeling so painfully lonely, you will experience some beautiful things. You will laugh and cry and laugh again. You will bake bread rolls with your mom. You will play Pokemon with your friends. You will even learn how to put down all those whirling thoughts in your brain down into ink and paper, and eventually, some people will find themselves seen within those words too.

It gets better. I know you think this might be corny and not at all helpful to you right now, and that it all seems so far away to you. And maybe from someone else, it might be. But this is me. This is you. I know you, I know the worst part of us but the best as well. Please believe that I mean this with all my heart and soul.

And now, I’d like to leave you off with three things I’d like you to do. (We both know the symbolism of the number three).

1. Pet your dog more often. Both for her sake and yours.
2. Some of the things that will bring you the most joy will also be embarrassing at the time. You will look like an absolute fool and it will be fine. I do not know anyone who has never known embarrassment and had a life worth living. Embarrassment means you put yourself out there, made yourself vulnerable, and anyone who mocks that is the bigger fool. Looking back, I cannot remember the names or faces of anyone who taunted me, but I can remember the feeling of joy when things worked out. So, compliment that girl, invite friends to play that dorky game, ask out the attractive person at the coffee shop, try out a new hobby. There are so many opportunities out there. Explore them without feeling burdened by embarrassment.
3. Remove the mask you wear once in a while. I won’t ask you to take it off entirely, it’s kept both of us safe for so long, and I don’t think we’ll ever be completely free of it, but it’s okay to remove it around the people you deem safe. Let yourself enjoy the moment and be yourself, no pretending, no distancing yourself from what happens. Feel it wholeheartedly and let those around you know it too. When you need to, put it back on, but never forget that the people you love deserve the chance to meet and know the real you. There is so much love out there and it’s only waiting for you to let it in.

I must bid you adieu now and depart back to my time. I know how stubborn we are, so you might not listen to me, but I sincerely hope you will. And just in case you don’t, please know that I won’t blame you. I know how scary everything felt back then but I promise to keep you safe until the sun once more shines on you and you can breathe freely.

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Love,

Dear my younger self,

You used to write letters to your future self every year based off what happened to you in your past. These letters were always centered around the pain that plagued you and the heartbreak that others caused you. They were meant to be warnings for me, a big red sign that read: DO NOT DO THIS AGAIN IT WILL BREAK YOU. But you know what I learned recently? I learned that any advice that strays from the human experience is not based off truth, but rather fear.

We are all little creatures in a beautiful, vast universe – this pain comes with the job title. Living in the future too much caused you an overwhelming amount of anxiety, but living in the past filled you with deep sadness and regret. What you failed to realize back then is that living in the present moment isn’t unproductive – it is peaceful.

I think you missed something very important in all those old letters. You forgot to mention that without sorrow there can not be rapture, without grief there can not be peace, and without heartbreak there can not be love. You were coming from a place of unfathomable hurt. In the end, it was you who needed a letter, not me.

So, this is what I wish I could have told you back then. Never forget you can handle anything life throws your way. It’s okay to feel weak, to break down and cry. It’s okay to have regrets. In fact you should have regrets because if you don’t then that means you’ve never tried anything worth losing yourself in. You are human and your deep capacity to feel is your strength, not your undoing. How lucky are you that you’re able to love the way you do, that you’re able to see the light in the dark, that you’re able to empathize with the sadness of others? How lucky are you that you’re able to laugh wildly, that you’re able to experience unmatched joy, that you’re so grateful sometimes you have to shed your tears in order to express it?

All the heartbreak, all the failures, all the terrible things that happened to you is what’s going to show you which direction to go in. All you have to do is follow the path I carved out for you. And trust me when I say I came out okay on the other side.

I am here today, full of love and hope, because of every good and bad and horrible and amazing thing that has ever happened to you. But I am also here because I refused to give up, because I kept going even when all I could do was crawl, because I envisioned a better future for myself and believed with everything I had in me that it was possible. I will leave you with one final thought: Anything and everything can be a catalyst for change. But it is up to you to take the shattered vase and glue it back together with gold.

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When I was a child, I was chubby, had a perpetually flushed face, and was the least athletically coordinated human on the planet, or at least the worst at Saint Joseph School. In the nine years I attended Catholic school, wearing plaid skirts, knee socks, and black Oxford shoes, I can fondly remember playing with my friends and excelling in academics. But I also remember my struggles. I think about the advice I wish I had, and the advice I hope to pass on to my daughter. I wish I knew that what is written on your report card doesn’t matter in adulthood. I wish I knew that most of my classmates were feeling just as awkward as I was. I wish I knew that they made lasers for red cheeks that burned brighter than the fire of a thousand suns. I wish I had these gems of knowledge tucked in my back pocket, or more accurately, tucked in the elastic band of my knee socks. So here it is: the advice I would tell my younger self. Listen up, Little Jessica.

1. Get comfortable saying “No.”
“No” is the most powerful word in the English language. When you say “No,” it doesn’t mean you don’t want to help, that you don’t care about the needs of others, or that you dislike someone. “No” is putting your needs first, and not over-committing to everyone else’s requests. “No” is setting boundaries that you are comfortable with, and acknowledging that it is not your responsibility to make everyone else happy. “No” is asserting yourself to not be coerced into actions, thoughts, or beliefs that don’t suit you. “No” is a part of life, and a freeing part, at that. So say it to the playdates you don’t want. Say it to the group member who won’t do their share of the work. Say it to the lunch lady who gave you mashed potatoes when you asked for fries. Say it kindly. Say it confidently. Say it with respect. But you must learn to say it.

2. If you believe you can’t, then you’re right, you can’t.
One of the greatest tools I have discovered is the ability to manifest, which is the ability to create ideas into reality. You can literally speak your every desire into existence. New cars, healthy relationships, even a cup of coffee. I do it every day. Manifesting is the greatest key to unlocking every hope and dream you have for your life: but you must believe. So make sure your attitude is one of gratitude. Count your blessings. Literally count them. I list 10 things I am thankful for every night before bed. The more you’re thankful for, the more you find you have to be thankful for. The big things, the little things, the seemingly insignificant things. Be thankful for passing your spelling test, the butterfly you saw during recess, or for arriving safely home from school. Being thankful and appreciative is a critical component in the positive attitude that creates continued blessings. So count up those blessings, and manifest a few more while you’re at it.

3. Know your worth.
This is the hardest for me, as it seems to be for many of us. If you asked people what it means to know their worth, they may all have very different answers. For me, it means realizing that you are deserving of respect. It’s having the self-confidence to be able to walk away from a toxic person or situation because you know that you deserve better. You have the ability to determine your worth in every situation: with your friends, your family, and one day at your job or in a relationship. Acknowledging that you are worthy of respect is the greatest gift you can give yourself, and it is truly the gift that keeps on giving. You will walk a little taller and speak a little louder because you have the confidence of self-worth. Remember, you are deserving of all the blessings life has to offer, because you are worthy of receiving them.

It’s hard to be a kid. You’re always told what to do and how to do it. Sit down. Stop talking. Stand in line. Don’t touch that. Play with these people. Kick a dodgeball like you have any athletic ability whatsoever. I’m sure today’s kids have it harder in a world of iPhones, TikTok, and 9-year-olds with contoured makeup. I thought we had it rough in the late ‘90s, when my greatest envy was my friend with her own phone line. Truthfully, I’m grateful that chapter of my life is over. No more gym class, no more math homework, no more plaid uniforms. To this day, I can’t stomach an Oxford shoe. So when I think of Little Jessica, wading through childhood angst in nine long years of “Catholic plaid,” I want to assure her that there are answers to her problems. All that she worries about, has a solution. I want teach her to be humble, to learn to meditate, to appreciate the power of prayer, to learn to laugh at herself, to wear the sunscreen, and to remember that pooping in a public bathroom is not nearly as mortifying as she thinks it is. But mostly, I want to kiss Little Jessica on her bright red cheeks that she hates so much, and say to her, “Sweetheart, they have lasers for that.”

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