Dearest,

Before we begin, go to the candy store three blocks down your house, the one with the bright colors and fuschia sign, and order a mint chocolate fudge. Ask for the recipe too. It’s simply too good to not try it as early as possible in life. You’ll thank me later.

Now, I believe you have just begun high school. I’m sorry. I hope you’re happier than I remember being. I remember the deep loneliness, the alienation, the indecision plaguing your every thought, and the estrangement from your family. I hope I’m remembering wrong but I don’t see that as very likely. I hope there’s smaller bits of happiness in your life to keep you going.

It’ll be okay. Eventually, you do make friends, and good ones at that. Amazing ones. And when those leave, you’ll make new ones too, and some of the ones that left will come back later on. It’s a whole thing but I promise you that they will love you and you will be of worth to them.

You don’t need to spend so much of your time thinking you’re not lovable. I promise you, you are, to so many people. And most of all, to me. I know you and I love you (myself).

After all the drudgery of high school and stress and feeling so painfully lonely, you will experience some beautiful things. You will laugh and cry and laugh again. You will bake bread rolls with your mom. You will play Pokemon with your friends. You will even learn how to put down all those whirling thoughts in your brain down into ink and paper, and eventually, some people will find themselves seen within those words too.

It gets better. I know you think this might be corny and not at all helpful to you right now, and that it all seems so far away to you. And maybe from someone else, it might be. But this is me. This is you. I know you, I know the worst part of us but the best as well. Please believe that I mean this with all my heart and soul.

And now, I’d like to leave you off with three things I’d like you to do. (We both know the symbolism of the number three).

1. Pet your dog more often. Both for her sake and yours.
2. Some of the things that will bring you the most joy will also be embarrassing at the time. You will look like an absolute fool and it will be fine. I do not know anyone who has never known embarrassment and had a life worth living. Embarrassment means you put yourself out there, made yourself vulnerable, and anyone who mocks that is the bigger fool. Looking back, I cannot remember the names or faces of anyone who taunted me, but I can remember the feeling of joy when things worked out. So, compliment that girl, invite friends to play that dorky game, ask out the attractive person at the coffee shop, try out a new hobby. There are so many opportunities out there. Explore them without feeling burdened by embarrassment.
3. Remove the mask you wear once in a while. I won’t ask you to take it off entirely, it’s kept both of us safe for so long, and I don’t think we’ll ever be completely free of it, but it’s okay to remove it around the people you deem safe. Let yourself enjoy the moment and be yourself, no pretending, no distancing yourself from what happens. Feel it wholeheartedly and let those around you know it too. When you need to, put it back on, but never forget that the people you love deserve the chance to meet and know the real you. There is so much love out there and it’s only waiting for you to let it in.

I must bid you adieu now and depart back to my time. I know how stubborn we are, so you might not listen to me, but I sincerely hope you will. And just in case you don’t, please know that I won’t blame you. I know how scary everything felt back then but I promise to keep you safe until the sun once more shines on you and you can breathe freely.

Love,