When I’m asked why do I love myself, I felt my eyes start watering and my throat closing. I am a child that has been asked to stand up in front of the class and introduce myself on the first day of school and all of a sudden I don’t know my name or fun fact. I can’t decide which part of me I love the most, the detachment issues I developed at 16 or the anger issues I inherited from my bloodline. I’m supposed to be writing about all of the things I love about me and I came up with the list of what I learned to hate until I heard her.
I hear a seven year old girl running home from the bus stop dodging the sticks and stones boys were throwing at her. She’s crying. They called her stupid, telling her she’s ugly and hitting her. I see her. Caramel skin, curls braided up into two pigtails with purple bobos, a heart of innocent gold. I kneel to her and tell her how beautiful she is and there is not a single thing I wouldn’t do for her. I wipe tears off of rosy cheeks and hold her, turning sniffles into soft smiles.
I hold this girl so tight hoping if we mend into one person then she never has to feel alone or unwanted.. She never deserved to feel alone or unwanted. Sometimes I still have to hold that girl today. I have to sit and tell her she’s pretty when the world around her is throwing sticks and stones. I have to hold my little girl tight even when the stones are thrown from inside the house. I have to remind her she is smart, she is successful, she is loved by many …but especially by me.
I may be a result of my trauma but I am the hug, love, and comfort that my little girl needed and how could I ever hate that.

Found at 11:01,
from my heart I have sung.
Bid and by, here and deny,
this one recalls,
anothers mind and life scrabbled,
on the wall,
ignorant to a souls call.
Charted, parts,
seperate she followed,
through the maze of a forest,
scared by all the voices before us,
frightened by what they said,
judging her, madly upset.
Profuciously obsessed,
was a broken mess,
held together by thread and glue,
a young mortal,
overcombered by truth.
What was the truth,
not even elders knew.
So, at 11:09,
I recognize the blind,
ackowledge the little,
in front of my soul,
weightless free,
showing her gold.
11:11….
the universe told…
What have you child,
but a mask to wear,
afraid at every tear?
Afraid, why are you so,
if your heart is of gold?
Look within now,
of course they want a pretty soul,
that’s why you must face them,
the voices that scold.
Don’t you see,
the one afraid is really me?
They are you, you are me,
and I’m telling you,
you are free.
See the forest?
See the door?
See the shattered glass lying on the floor?
It is but your illusion,
you’ve ran from their disgrace,
but once you see within,
you’ll see the truth,
something you must face,
you are beautiful, my love,
to be a part of this human race!
…..
I love you. They love you. You love you.
……
Shall we end it here, my dear?
Everything you do,
it is for growth, even tears.
Everything you see is but an experience here.
Be as silent and contagious as love.
Loud and obnoxious,
courageous and spotless,
messy and all those things.
Love is us. Love is you.
So, how could you possibly,
run from that truth?
11:23,
easy as 123.
How could I not love myself?
I am everything all of us love and yet deny,
both warm and heartless inside,
ugly and beautiful,
angelic and nightmarish,
generic and brandish,
a hot cup of tea,
dark coffee,
I am me and everything in between.
There is everything to love,
genuinely.
~Markita Wright 2/15/2024 11:23pm
Have a Good Night!

Vibrant butterflies circled around my ancient family tree. Without permission, tired of their mission being belittled, they invaded my soul with wings of light on the day I was born, to warn that those of my past were ignorant and never listened to their message. With me, they are violent, for they would rather fade away than watch another generation pay in life for the traumas of their ancestors.

In me, they find a new vessel. Butterflies, relentless and free guiding me through ancestry.

In the sky around that tree, their beauty can’t hide. But in my gut, their wings disrupt. As they disturb my digestion I understand better how they are corrupt. With cunning masked, they seem so pure. They often test my naivety, making me believe I don’t need food.

When they enter through the throat, they block the passage of my saliva. Resting on my cords, my voice they seize. Speechless, I’m left, at risk, unease. At night they keep me awake visiting heavy memories and unfulfilled dreams. They make me dream of soaring high, yet fail to warn before I fly. To touch the sky, I must first crawl, like caterpillar, dirt and all. Breaking the bubble, setting me free, only then can I truly be.

Sometimes they manage to enter my being while I sleep, and their fluttering is the first thing I feel long before I hear the alarm ring. My heart, it races to their tune. A drumbeat in a quiet room.

They migrate towards my legs and tickle me so much, that they push me into an abyss where they deprive me of the tranquility of the present. Thrown into nowhere, lost in the mist, alone with my thoughts, on a journey I twist. No maps can guide this path unseen.

Scientists name it the future.

These creatures gifted me a prize; the gift to feel beneath the skies. A potent weapon, oft unseen, the power to grasp what life may mean. Once seen as a curse, now I reveal; It’s true worth, my life’s appeal, the title of my story, and the salvation of my future generation. What I once interpreted as a wicked spell has turned into light, guiding me through the darkest nights.

The butterflies only punish me when I resist and refuse to discover the reason for their visit.

They are merciless when I confine them in a box and try to manipulate the direction of their route. I try to control, but lose the race. The universe yields when I let go and dance in their flow. The drum melody sung by the beats of my heart never allows me to waste a second on this earth, where what is bland to many is the root of a great story for me. Butterflies guide, with their flight, and only in their rhythm I find delight.

My organs call it anxiety. I call them butterflies because they teach me how to fly in a world where one can only walk.

Butterflies, hidden gems I’ll forever posses, the only thing I love about myself.

I like the way
You get gripped
In the palms of a man
Ravenous in his pursuit
To hold everything
From my neck
To my hips.
He takes his time
With you
Because he knows you
To be special
To be precious and beautiful

I’m sorry
I had to see your beauty
Through someone else’s eyes.
So now,
I write this poem with pride
Waving my pen like it’s
A flag for my flawes.

So let this serve
As a love letter
To my love handles
A memento
To my muffin top
A song for my stretchmarks
A poem for my pudge
Feels for my fupa
Cuz I ain’t missin no meals

Let this serve
As an apology
To some of the best parts
Of my body.
I was told to shame you.
Taught to be embarrassed
By you.
I’ve tried to chase you away
Dance you away
Bike you away
But you’re persistence
Perseveres –
And inspires me.
If you can hold on
Where you’re told you don’t belong,
Where might I learn to rise
Despite resistance?

So thank you.
Thank you for
Inspiring.
Thank you for
Stretching.
Thank you for
Protecting.
Thank you for
Making outfits
Someone else said
You would ruin.
Thank you for
Being there for lovers.
Thank you for
Being there for me.

Finding faith, Feeling high,
Figuring out Falling low,
Falling asleep Finding flow,
Having doubt (is this a haiku?) Making more room to grow.

I’ve started writing in my journal…it has become a bit of a poem book, someday I hope to publish all of it. This is my authors note to all of you, and a excerpt from my journal, during a time of healing myself.
Be kind to yourself, we’re all trying to find ourselves in this big wide universe.
—————————————————————————————————————
I’m showing you my diary, please keep it a secret.

This is for those who are on the journey of healing, and for those who are broken. All these feelings are real, and valid. Your feelings are real and valid. And part of why I chose to share is because I want others to know that they aren’t alone.

I want others to know that the healing process is messy. It’s chaotic. It’s wonderful and horrible all at once.

There’s going to be ups, and there’s going to be downs. And sometimes, the downs stay for a while. It’s a constant and grueling back and forth, but it is going to be okay.

Every part of healing is necessary.

You’ll get through it, we’ll get through it.

Together

———————————————————-

I have to remember to love who I used to be.

And fall in love with who I want to be.

And love who I am now.

Hello Love,
I wanted to stop in and tell you why i love you..
I love you because you’ve always believed in rainbows and unicorns even when the world proved that to be untrue. I love you because even when you did not want to keep going, even when you didn’t know how, what or when, you just kept going! I love you because of your fearless attitude and faith, you’ve never been afraid to dare the devil and walk away for better even when it took everything in you. I love you because even when the world made you believe you didn’t deserve love you still chose you and chose to love yourself anyway. I love you because you always chose kindness and love even though all the world has shown you is broken hearts and broken trust. I love you because you choose love, you choose to express love to the world by smiling at strangers and sharing affirming words. I love you because you remained grateful even when you had nothing but life to be grateful for but as your aunt would say “Once you have life, you have everything! What’s not dead, don’t throw it away!”.
I love you because you dared to want and try to go after something different from what you grew up seeing around you.
I love you because you said “It stops with me!’ you saw the patterns you didn’t want to be. I love you because even when you had your own storms to mop up you would still help those you love mop their puddles.
I Love you because you always believed in luck, even the times when you were fed up and saw no such sign. I love you because you chose to “be the change you want to see” and even when you don’t get the claps and congratulations you keep going. I love you because you decide time and time again that you deserve the utmost best!
I love everything about you even when your perfectionism gets in the way of things, but that’s exactly why i love you because you are perfectly imperfect regardless of what the world expects from you.

To my body,

Sometimes it is difficult to love you.

Sometimes I feel ashamed by the way you look. Shoulders too broad, legs too thin, hips not wide enough to balance me out in the way that I wanted to look. Too buck-toothed, face too asymmetrical, skin too dark, a stomach pouch I want to lose.

Sometimes you give me pain. It’s pain that I feel in my nerves—for example it can start in my sciatic nerve, but I feel it all the way down in my feet. Or sharp yet fleeting headaches that make me freeze because I become stricken with fear that it is something more. When you have a chronic illness, sometimes it is always “something more.”

Sometimes you make me afraid. It seems like you are always working against me, and I feel like I can’t depend on you or that there is something wrong. You are supposed to fight for me, but this disease I have keeps taking from me, and I really want you to please stop taking from me. How can I call you my home when we are constantly at war?

I have masses that grow in various shapes and sizes. They all cause problems in their own way—they itch, they cause pain, they’re ugly. Sometimes it’s difficult to look in the mirror because I don’t like what I see. But today? Today, my body, we had a connection, and I will never forget that.

I don’t know what sparked my desire to take care of you today, to love you, to be at peace with you. I showered you with love today—literally. I sat in my bathtub and lathered soap onto my arms and legs until bubbles formed all around. My hands carefully ran up and down lumps and spots that shouldn’t be there and marveled at the way the water ran down my skin and over my scars.

When I looked at myself in the mirror today, I paid attention to the way that my skin looked golden brown, and I felt luminous. When I rubbed lotion onto my arms and let it sink into my skin, I thought of how my skin color had been passed down to me from a line of strong Filipina women. I’m not connected to my culture as much as I would like to be, but thanks to a Marvel quote, I realize that I am the product of my ancestors who came before me. As I ran my fingers over the expanse of my back, I thought of how the masses and spots I have are like points on a map—or even constellations. They are little dots that connect to each other to make up the big picture: the big picture that is me. And I thought of the things that I love about myself: my nose and my smile and my laugh and my long hair and my compassion. Today I loved you where you were at instead of hating you for what I think you are or wishing you were more.

You are my vessel and my home, and I will live in you until I die. I will learn to love you. I will fight to love you every day. Because you are the body that I was given. There is no me without you to make me whole. You are my vessel. You are my home.

All of my scars and bumps and bruises tell different parts of my story. They are a part of who I am. This year, I’m ready to embrace these little parts of me. Because when I learn to love myself deeply, I can love others deeply too. And because of that, choosing to love you is the biggest, most radical act of love I can give.

Yours forever,

genuine, whole hearted, full send 0-100.
pinky promises with a side of sticky noted kind words–and those reminders I know you’ll forget about otherwise..
the ‘who are you when no one’s watching?’ type of real, and the ‘don’t do something to someone that you wouldn’t want done to you’ type of deals.
work hard, work harder, then play a little harder too.
the little bit of ‘extras’ with a side of ‘I was just thinking of you.’
values that hold a foundation, respect that demands the arrival,
honesty to keep it all true, and humbleness to bring the pieces full circle.
finding strength in the harder things, while staying grateful too–
using the big girls’ voice, for the ones who get swept under the rug
Team Tippy Toes for the ones told to ‘stay small’
putting both feet back down to stand for the principles that matter
and reminders of “one day at a time” for those forgetting who they are–
stay humble, stay kind, stay genuine, stay true,
stay weird, stay you.

3 Tippy Toe steps forward, and 1 of em’ back,
well hey, that’s still progress–
and I love you for that.

–xoxo,
A

Your big brown eyes and dimple smile
Is one that hasn’t been seen in a while
But now that it’s out for the world to see
You finally know who you were meant to be
It took a while to get to this place
All the hardships, all the pain, that you had to face
Little Gabriela would stare in the mirror and think, why me?
From my family, to my friends, she felt like none of them could see
She felt like the little mermaid, trying to speak
But nobody would listen, she felt so weak
As time went on she hit rock bottom
Unsure of why everyone thought she was the problem
All she ever wanted was to love and be loved
But this little girl felt as above, so below
She knew her conscious was elevating higher
As she became more aware of the cycle and generational trauma
But being aware is a blessing and a curse
At least that’s how she felt. At least at first
But once she took back her power and her voice
Everything faded, all of the noise
She knew life could get better, she knew there was an end
An end to all the pain, when life would truly begin
That little girl grew up, as confident as can be
Now she looks in the mirror and is glad she didn’t flee
Her inner child is safe, she can finally be at rest.
That little girl knows it wasn’t her fault, and she finally feels so blessed
She feels this way because she knows she finally has the wisdom and strength
To help others not feel the same pain that nobody else could ever take away
She knew it was up to her to take out the trash
She knew just because someone left it on her lawn, that it was still her job to manage and not make it last
She knew it was time to feel her feelings and love herself as she deserved
She knew no one else could do that for her, even those she observed
Once she realized she had the power the entire time
She gave herself a hug, she knew she was ready for the climb
Now she looks in the mirror and opens her mouth wide
Her voice finally comes out, she no longer has to hide
The truth is this little girl always loved herself
But her adult self had to teach her a few things, and tell her it was okay to finally put that first chapter back – away on the shelf

In the dance of life, I find joy’s embrace, As adaptability paints my grace. Like a river, I bend, I sway, Navigating challenges, come what may. Resilience blooms within my soul, Turning adversity into a goal.
From trials, I emerge, strong and bold, Every setback a tale of stories untold. Confidence is my guiding light, Illuminating paths through the night. With self-possession, I stand tall, embracing uncertainties, I conquer all.
When darkness looms, and shadows grow, I pick myself up, ready to show, that within me lies a power untold, to rise again, resilient and bold.
Flowing with life’s ever-changing stream, I embrace each moment like a dream. With every twist, turn, and ebb of the tide, I find solace in the journey, nowhere to hide.
So, I love myself for who I am, A blend of strength, grace, and inner calm. With adaptability, resilience, and confidence, I journey through life, embracing the view.

Falling in love with myself was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Loving myself was not love at first sight.
Or maybe it was.
But that means the love was lost somewhere ,
Maybe during one of those long summer nights.
But I’m not sure if the love was ever there.
maybe it’s always been a constant fight.

But I do know it’s about time I write myself a love letter acknowledging and admiring the love I have for myself.

So Dear Self
How are you?
I wrote to say
I am completely in love with you.
This may come as a shock because I don’t show you as much as I need to.
I love you so much.
Not just because of the cute face or big butt.
You are truly amazing.
you feel like home to me now.
I feel safe when I’m with you.
Because after all that we’ve been through
the self doubt and not thinking we’re good enough to do what we wanted to.
I love your goals,
Keep thinking out of the box.
Aim for the stars and never stop.
Keep going until you’re out of this world
And never compare yourself to any other girl.
You can’t compare apples to oranges,
You are something from another galaxy.
You are otherworldly.
YOU ARE so worthy,
Of everything that you can ever imagine
You deserve roads paved with gold,
Men kneeling and kissing your toes
YOU ARE a goddess.
And that’s enough said
Everyone knows when a goddess walks into the room.
Because what she demands is RESPECT.
You are valued by me.
And I appreciate you truly.

I’ve learned that love is a choice,
Love is a decision.
And I notice something else everyday that makes loving you a clearer vision.
I made it my mission to love you through and through
For all the times you felt like nobody loved you.
And if no one tells you today I love you
and may your heart continue to be filled with love from any and every which way.
yours truly.

Pretty little girl,
Pretty little girl,
Don’t you cry.
I dreamed that one day,
You’ll hold your head up high
So your wings can fly.
I know you wish upon a star at night,
to free your soul inside.
Your dreams let you escape from the reality you must face.
Don’t let them tell you your fate.
You must be courageous.
So sit up straight,
Hold your head high
Release your beauty that’s burrowed inside.
No more tears shall run down your face,
You’ve faced worse in life,
So live your life,
Live for today.

It’s hard to come up with reasons to love myself
The mean words get stuck on my shelf
But for this prompt, I will give it a try
Dear self, I love the way you look at the sky
When you see a sunset, bird, or plane
And the music you listen to on the train
Thank you for being my constant number one
For letting me relax with friends and have fun
I love that you’re so funny
And just as sweet as honey
I love that you have so many passions
And have a true taste for fashions
I love your poems, writing, and art
Why do you think you’re not smart?
I love your blue eyes, little glasses, and curly hair
So there is no need to compare
Yourself to girls who have a boyfriend or seem outgoing
Know that you yourself will always be glowing
And when the right time comes, you’ll find one too
So there is no need to be blue
See, it’s not that hard to love yourself
Can you try to keep these words on your shelf?

“To Love Herself”

For years and years, you’ve walked this earth, blue eyes taking in the sites.
What have you seen, what have you learned?
Oh little girl, are you concerned?
For years and years, and many more years you’ll grow, shine, and love.

Forevermore, if there is an ever more,
You wander toward your goals, with patience and ease.
Gliding through, envy, and things that have destroyed you.

Little girl, grown up to be a woman, forced into womanhood too young.
What have they done… How 25 treats you and your blue eyes…
It is like the sun met the moon.
Confident, creative, and sometimes crude.

Your life is why I love you.

Warrior, you have been battling for 913 days
Radiation, surgeries, chemo times two
Just breathe
Mama, you persevere through the tired and the pain
Your girls admire your strength and grit
Just Breathe
Daughter, your family, chosen and blood, surround you with their love
Although it is difficult to watch them experience this madness along with you,
Just Breathe
Lisa, your faith is strong and this battle has been too long
Yet wake each day and smile
your positivity is contagious and your courage is that of a true warrior
Just Breathe

This is a poem that I wrote recently free writing in my journal. I didn’t realize I would turn it into a poem until I went back and read it.
Naked Soul
By: Nikki Griffin

How is it possible to be so full and yet so empty at the same time? I get so close to greatness and yet can’t quite grasp it. There have been so many glimpses of the old me and the new me living my best life.

I do not like this in between. So full of love and passion but yet so lonely and void. Things that used to fill me no longer do. Lost between the old world, the old me and watching the world I live in fall apart, so what is the point.

Shedding that that no longer serves me, longing for that missing piece that probably will never be filled. Knowing my worth but not feeling good enough.

Where do I run, which side wins? Where do I hide and who is going to help me dry my tear-stained eyes. Where do I find me, in the space where I feel free, in the dark of night where one can see. In the light where I can shine so bright? What good does it do to shine if no one truly sees the pain that it takes to be me.

How can one be at peace but yet at war? It mirrors the world in which I live. So tonight, I ask thee will I ever be truly free?