“It is my duty, as an air rescueman, to save life and aid the injured. I will be prepared at all times to perform my assigned duties quickly and efficiently, placing these duties before personal desires and comforts. These things I do THAT OTHERS MAY LIVE.”

This is the code of Air Force Combat Search and Rescue (CSAR), my profession, and a sentiment that reflects much of my life. From 6 years of volunteer firefighting and EMS, to my 12 years in the USAF as a Combat Systems Officer (CSO) on HC-130’s the CSAR version of the C-130 cargo plane. I have spent my entire adult life even starting in High School training and preparing in hopes that I can prevent someone’s worst day from becoming their last. I have been blessed with the opportunity to do this a few times as well, and it is a level or rewarding bested only by being a husband and father. My life is dedicated to helping others, but sometimes, I need help.

I was always able to deal with the traumatic experiences my work has put me through by leaning on friends who understand. This is often the first line of help one can get and it is VITAL even if not always sufficient. Whether it was my first dead body, or seeing an unconscious classmates broken face wedged between the dash and windshield of her car 2 days after graduation, my many close calls, or losing a close friend; I could always find help and relief in the arms and ears of my friends and family. They gave me the strength and support to ensure post traumatic stress never became PTSD. But that doesn’t mean it was easy. All of these events gave me nightmares; sometimes for a night, sometimes for a week, occasionally for a month. There would be sadness, depression, anxiety. But all of this would fade with time and help.

But what about when that wasn’t enough? For the last 4-5 years I have been struggling with bouts of depression and anxiety. Nothing new, except that it was not tied to anything. I couldn’t get past it because I didn’t have a trauma, life event, or anything else I could associate it with and thus, could not worth through the cause.

In the early days I just shrugged it off, pushed through and got on with life. But the episodes were getting worse, and more frequent. After years of this I was sick and tired, I needed help. After all, being a good husband and father are my top priorities, and this was degrading that ability…

But… I’m a military aviator…

Now, no doubt some of you think you know where this is going. After all, you have seen movies about military aviation, aviators are macho, tough, so surely there is a stigma with getting help! No, actually there isn’t, in fact we share our feelings with each other pretty regularly. No, I was scared I would be grounded from flying and bound to a desk either temporarily or permanently. But enough was enough.

With the encouragement of my wife, I made an appointment with the aviation psychiatrist at my unit. He reassured me that grounding was unlikely and only even a possibility if I was diagnosed with a mental illness. Ok, so now I am less worried!

So I opened up about how I was feeling with the psychiatrist. He gave me some great techniques for dealing with the depression and anxiety such as mindfulness and grounding that have been helping. I have follow up appointments to keep working on this and life is already getting better

Emboldened by that experience, at my annual flight physical with the flight surgeon the next week, I discussed the issue with her as well. She asked some questions about other aspects of my health and determined we should check my red blood count and vitamin D levels. My RBC was in normal limits but low considering I live at 5500ft above sea level and do a lot of running and mountain biking. Probably not contributing to the issue but worth addressing. We also checked my iron which is good so I am now on a B complex supplement. But the real concern was my vitamin D, it was severely low. I never would have thought of it as I spend a ton of time outside. But one of the symptoms is mood swings and depression (hmmm… sounds familiar). So now I am on a high dose vitamin D supplement.

After 5 years of suffering and worrying I would lose my flight status, my fear was unfounded, and what I needed was vitamin D and professional counseling. My only regret is that I didn’t seek help sooner.

Please, if you are struggling, even if it is something you have handled without issue before, reach out. Talk to a friend or loved one. If that doesn’t work, or is insufficient, seek professional help. Please don’t suffer in silence. I am still flying, still doing my job, but I am now also a happier and healthier person on the road to further improvement. And most of all, I am able to be the best husband and father I can be.

Thanks for reading,
SEZ

To The Unsealed Community,

Typically, I am not someone who visibly shows the world how I feel. Whether it was a big loss in sports as a teenager or in fourth grade when a boy pretended to throw up when he found out I liked him, I have often, without even trying, kept a poker face.

But how I look doesn’t always reflect how I feel.

During my first year of college, I was having the time of my life: a new school, a new romance, a new city, and lots of new friends.

I looked like a happy, typical college student exploring an exciting new world. And in many ways, I was just that. However, amid this incredible adventure and privilege, there were moments I was overwhelmed and nearly debilitated by fear.

When the sun went down, I was terrified to walk on campus alone. It was only a year and a half since I had been drugged and sexually assaulted by two strangers. I felt so vulnerable that someone could hurt me again at any moment. Whether walking back from dinner, a party, or my boyfriend’s dorm, whenever I was by myself at night, my heart would race, and I would feel this aching pit in my stomach.

Sometimes, when I made it safely, I would go to a bathroom stall or somewhere private and let out a few tears, just as a sigh of relief. Walking at night on what was a beautiful and, statistically speaking, safe campus was a horrible, unsettling feeling – one that I had no idea if it would ever go away.

There are many ways I could have responded. I could have gone home – quit school, and simply remained in the confines of my parents’ home. I could have stopped going out and stayed in my room after dark. I could have withdrawn entirely and hidden from all my fears.

But I didn’t. Instead, my 17-year-old self, consciously or subconsciously, chose to be brave.

I dared to ask for what I needed and took advantage of those offering to help. I told my boyfriend I was scared and asked him to walk me home from parties or back to my dorm room. If he wasn’t available, there were five other 6’5 football players who told me to call or text whenever I needed someone to walk me home.

I had the courage to keep showing up, to keep walking, and to ask for what I needed, knowing deep down I didn’t want this fear to hold me back. No matter how often my heart raced or I got that pain in my stomach, I kept going out. I kept meeting friends, and  attending parties and clubs. Daily, I left my comfort zone, which allowed me to fully enjoy the college experience.

While I still don’t love walking alone at night, my anxiety doesn’t reach the level it once did. And because I didn’t let my fear stop me then, I certainly won’t let my fear stop me now.

Hello everyone, first this is the first letter I’m posting on this so please don’t be too judgmental lol. Kidding aside, let me tell you a little more about myself I suffered a devastating lower back injury from a car accident I suffered when I was 13 years old. It turned my entire life into a tailspin downward for a decade I was in a wheelchair in severe pain in my lower back and extremities to the point where I needed to use a wheelchair to get to the bathroom in my own home!!!! My social life was non-existent and no Doctors would do anything to help me because of my age. All they would do is drug me and put me in Psychiatric wards and never believed that I had pain, I heard so many times, “He’s a kid, he don’t know pain” so many times I wanted to go home and cry and many times that’s exactly what I did. At the same time I was prescribed numerous prescriptions harmful drugs that had massive side effects and had me throwing up and getting me immensely sick. I spent night after night in various ER’s around the Western New York area including out of the area such as Boston, Rochester and Cleveland but none were willing to do what it took to help me. But I finally found the right Doctors after a decade that felt more like an eternity, after an eleven-hour procedure I can get around, walk, move and actual live life again after watching so much of it go by my bedroom window. I am now pursuing my lifelong dream of becoming a sports play by play announcer and got to spend this past summer announcing games for the Batavia Muckdogs a local baseball team here in Buffalo as I work my way up to one day hopefully becoming a radio play by play announcer for Major League Baseball. However, I am also writing this letter to lend an ear, what makes this community great is that we all bond over the trials and tribulations of life and within that we become closer as potentially friends. During my medical ordeal I thought about committing suicide three different times but I thought no there is a better way. But, I’ve certainly been through my ups and downs in life and I know that sometimes just having someone to listen makes all the difference, so if anyone needs somebody to listen or just needs a friend I’m available and willing to help when I’m not calling games of course lol. But I am here and want the members of this community to know that I am here because I know dark times in life and not just my own physical health, I’ve dealt with alcoholic family members, family members who survived domestic abuse and a lot of other dark and scary and downright sad and messed up things this world can thrown upon a person. And when you get swept up in the darkness, sometimes you just need someone to know you care. Unfortunately, I know how quickly life can change in the blink of an eye. I’ve lost family members to covid and even in my own life, one second I’m perfectly healthy coming back from religion class on a Sunday and the next second I get in a major accident that flipped my life on its proverbial ear. And just the rapid and sudden change of life can be a ton and overwhelming to deal with, I know that feeling firsthand and again I am willing to listen to those who may be dealing with that currently in their own lives and again I am here. Again I understand that you do not know me and I would never ask any of you to share anything with me you don’t feel comfortable sharing. I’m just offering a friendly ear to listen and I think especially with the hard times this world has seen the last couple years whether it be the pandemic, the Russia-Ukraine Conflict, or just flat out life itself I believe we can get through it so long as we all support each other and listen to each other in times of need and great distress. So I would like to extend the olive branch and offer my friendship to anyone who feels the world is against them or they have very little company in their own lives I know what that feels like and if I can help you guys from feeling the almost hopeless isolation I felt for so long then that will make my day and hopefully make yours as well. One last thing to conclude my incessant ramblings, I think I speak for everyone when I say what a wonderful person Lauren is for putting this all together making this forum possible, she has been nothing but kind to me my entire time as a member of this community and I’m sure she has done the same for everyone in the Unsealed Community, Lauren you should be very proud of yourself for what you have accomplished and are accomplishing with this, the world needs more people like you!!!! You are a true angel. Once again, my name is John and I want to thank you guys in advance for listening to my long-windedness, I truly do appreciate it. I know it has been a while since I posted my first letter but I felt given the nature of this community I felt it necessary to offer a potential friendship and just to have another person in your corner when it feels like you have no one. Remember you are not alone and you truly matter, even though life may do things that make you feel that you don’t you do. I’ve been there and that’s why if you need someone to listen I’m here, I’m just a letter away. On that note, that’s it for me for now, feel free to reply or reach out guys if you ever need someone to just listen. I look forward to interacting with you guys very soon. Your friend John Carubba

Dear Anxiety,

You have been in my life for a very long time. I first met you when I was five or six years old. Even at that age, I thought I needed to be the best athlete, dancer, and student to stand out in the world and reach my larger-than-life dreams. My parents never pushed me, so I am unsure why you entered my life or why I felt so much pressure. But because of you, I had sleepless nights and daily body aches. You had way too much power for a very long time.

Through the years, we have had our ups and downs. Sometimes, you consume me, and other times I have been able to keep you in check. The worst of you appeared in my late teens when a sexual assault led to paralyzing fear and endless stomachaches. I lost 30 pounds all because of you. Terrified about my health, I started to fight back against you. That’s when it hit me. I cause you.

I discovered that you, Anxiety, are the result of my thought process, habits, and attitude. Once I realized I was in control, I started to pay attention to the activities and behaviors that made you less present. Exercise, writing, and conversations with family and friends all helped to stop you from overwhelming my life. The more I engaged in behaviors that helped me, the less you hurt me.

In my 30s now, I recognize that you will probably never entirely disappear from my life. You are probably a part of life. But whether it’s stress from building my company or disappointment from a relationship, I now know how to take power from you. And that’s important because the less power you possess, the more happiness I can feel.

Anxiety, you’re tough, but I am way tougher.