Dear Unsealers,

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where, no matter what you do or say, it feels like you’re trapped in a box? Even when everything seems fine, do you feel like you’re being watched every few minutes? It’s as if you’re just going about your life, but because people know your circumstances, you sense that something is about to happen any moment.

What do you do when you’re in a room, fully aware of everything at stake, yet still feel overwhelmed, as if you don’t know what’s wrong? Or when you express your feelings and receive the same responses repeatedly, like, “Oh, I’ve heard you,” or “What do you want me to do about it?” It can be frustrating to hear the same replies almost every time.

How can you overcome these issues and maintain a positive outlook?

Dear Dad,

On this Father’s Day, I wanted to share a message of love and appreciation with you. Thank you for everything we have been through together. Through the ups and downs, I’m grateful that you’ve always been there for me and have never let me down.

I know I haven’t always turned out to be the person you might have hoped for, but I appreciate that you didn’t hold anything against me. Instead, you gave me a chance to learn and grow, even when you disagreed with my choices. Your acceptance means so much to me.

I cherish all the conversations we’ve had while I was growing up. While you are my dad, as I got older, you also became an example of how a partner should be to me. Your actions and the way you treat others, especially women, show your kindness and dedication to making people happy. That is truly special.

I love the father figure you’ve become, and anyone would be lucky to have you as a dad. Please don’t ever change the wonderful person you are. I want you to know that, no matter what I do in life, I will always be your daughter. Although I may not be able to do much for you this Father’s Day, I hope this message and letter brighten your day.

With love,
Your Daughter
Samantha

Dear Community,

I would like to ask a question and share my thoughts: Does anyone believe in connections? When I search for the right person to be with, I often develop a special bond over time that I find hard to break.

For example, I’ve been experiencing a lot of ups and downs with my partner. When I discuss our problems with others, I often hear questions like, “Why can’t you just leave?” or “You shouldn’t have to put up with this; just walk away.” I understand that people will have many questions, especially if they aren’t aware of the full story.

Many say that when you find the right person, you’ll just know it. However, I don’t know if I’m alone in feeling that if you started dating your partner in high school, became sweethearts, and remained friends afterwards, a strong connection develops over time, right?

That’s my dilemma. I admit I’ve had intense discussions with my partner, and I’ve shared this with everyone, including my family. Leaving is difficult, especially when your heart is still invested. It battles within you: on one side, you love the good things about him and want to stay; on the other side, you resent the negative traits and want to protect yourself.

Then there’s that voice in your head reminding you that he’s your best friend—the person you clicked with instantly. You don’t want anything bad to happen to him.

My question is this: If you have a connection that feels so strong, how can you break it if it comes down to that choice?

Once upon a time in a cozy little town, there lived a man named Zack who adored his cat, Tigger. They were inseparable, sharing everything from lazy afternoons on the chair to playing video games. The only problem? Zack had a knack for making the most outrageous jokes about his feline friend.
One sunny afternoon, Zack’s Cousin Jake came over for a visit. As they settled in with snacks, Jake noticed Tigger lounging on the windowsill, looking particularly regal.
“Hey, that cat sure is a lazy king!” Jake chuckled.
“Lazy? Nah, just well-fed!” Zack shot back with a dramatic flair, “Why, if I were hungry enough, I might have to serve him up with a side of meow-tatoes!”
Jake laughed, “You wouldn’t dare!”
“Oh, come on! Just imagine the recipe: a pinch of catnip, a dash of fish sauce… I call it ‘Tigger à la Zack!’” Zack grinned, mimicking a gourmet chef.
Tigger, unimpressed by the banter, lazily blinked and turned his back.
Zack passed, and one evening, as Zach prepared dinner, he noticed Whiskers watching him intently. “What’s up, little buddy? Planning your escape?” Zach joked, eyeing the cat. “Don’t worry; the last thing I want is to eat my best friend! Though you do look quite tasty in that sunbeam.”
But as fate would have it, Zack’s playful comments soon turned against him. That night, after a hearty meal, Zack plopped down on the couch, feeling a bit too full. Tigger, sensing an opportunity, hopped onto Zack’s lap and settled in for a cozy nap.
In a mischievous mood, Zack whimsically told Tigger, “You better watch it! If you keep snoring like that, I might just give you a nice little sauté!”
Suddenly, Zack’s stomach let out a loud grumble, and he declared, “Oops! I guess that’s my ‘cat’ ringing!”
A bewildered Tigger lifted his head and stared at Zack, probably thinking, “Did you just insult my cooking skills?”
From that day on, every time Zack joked about eating Tigger, the cat would puff himself up and slowly back away, tail flicking, as if he were plotting to outsmart his goofy owner. After all, he might be soft and fluffy, but he wasn’t about to become anyone’s dinner!
And so, the two continued their playful banter, with jokes flying around like confetti, but neither ever seriously considering the other as a meal. Because at the end of the day, Zack knew deep down that Tigger was not just a pet; he was family—one that was not on the menu!

To my oldest daughter,

You’re approaching a significant milestone this year, and I can hardly believe you are getting ready to turn 15 and start your freshman year of high school. I want you to know that, despite the long and difficult journey we’ve shared, my love and feelings for you will never change.

I admit that I made some mistakes when I was younger and that I wasn’t fully prepared to be a mother. However, my experiences with you and your siblings have helped me make better choices for you. I want you to know that I will be here for you as much as I can to support you in your career choices and make that next phase easier for you.

As your birthday approaches and you continue to blossom into a young woman, remember that you are ready for whatever comes your way. No matter what you choose to pursue, I will love you unconditionally. Even though I may not be around 24/7, I’m just around the corner.

I love you.
Your Mother

Dear Unsealers, this is a story about a girl who started her school journey with many possibilities until she found the one piece that changed her life forever.

Sammie was in the process of just starting her sophomore year at high school. She ended up finding herself a whole new bunch of friends, activities, a whole new bunch of choices that she overwhelmed herself at first but she figured out she was going to just wing it and see what she could get into even though her freshman year didn’t start too great after her relationships got the best of her but she thought to herself not to worry there were new things out there to explore so she didn’t mind what she was going to endure next. She couldn’t believe that after her classes were set in and everything, how the lunch program was set up with different times, it was like, well, why can’t everyone in the school eat together, but they say there’s not enough time during classes for everyone to be put together. Anyway, besides her exploring the different outcomes for friends she ended up one day during an afternoon recess she was chatting with one of her friends and she stumbles across the gym and saw a bunch of students playing around in the gym she assumed it was p.e class but she for a split second something caught her eye and her friend was wondering Sammie who are you starring at and she told her that she was looking at someone that piqued her interest and she asked her friend who was he? Do you know anything about him? She started laughing and telling me things about him, but we ended up getting caught by Zack and one of his friends looking at us was wondering who that girl was staring at me and why. We started leaving from the gym doors, and she kept thinking to herself Wow, I like the way he looks, his smile, and laid back personally. She wanted to know, but she wasn’t sure where to start. She ended up, however, getting lucky in the next few days. Zack and Sammie ended up reconnecting during a PE class together and had to spend it outside on their course track. They started talking as they were walking towards the bleachers they couldn’t believe they were laughing about how they kept looking at each other and she started spilling her guts about how she makes her feel cute and attractive, and the other things about him that made her light up but she started to notice how he would just sit there smiling, blushing with everything she said and he started muttering about his life talking about what he likes and so forth. As they were walking they were discussing if they wanted to begin something but they weren’t sure but she felt something starting to happen inside of her and she decided to go through it but she, however, wasn’t sure if he had every intention as she did but after a long talk they decided to start dating on what they noticed was funnier they ended up looking at the time when they walked back to the class that it was their friend’s birthday today so they said look our anniversary will always be April 24th after that they ended up being inseparable. They both started every day by talking, texting, hanging out, you know the drill, but they ended up hitting a huge snag during school time. She ended up figuring out she wanted more of the relationship. She wanted to always be around him, and she wanted to get to know more about him, but she noticed, especially after he graduated from school 2 years later, that the attraction started dying down, and she wanted to know why. She found out at first that his family was working all the time and he wasn’t old enough to drive yet, so she figured that he couldn’t see me as much, so she brushed it off her shoulder for now, but as time went more, they were happy together. Even though at the time he was working she felt like he made the time the best he could to see her, call her, and text her it was like she was doing all the work including having to get in the middle of his parents and his cousin to spend time with him cause she was in the same predicament at the time he was the only flaw on her end was she was living with her parents at the time and even she had no way to get to her love so want she wanted to explore more and open into she couldn’t get her answers. So, during her last round of school, she made the worst decision to drop out of school even though her peers and teachers kept putting the idea and guilt in her head that she was so close to finishing Sammie was determined after failing her 1st 6weeks course and her senior project scared her into finishing her school year. Even though later on she admitted to Zack that he was the main reason why she left school. She said she felt that he was a big piece of her life, and since that was the only way they could honestly see each other and spend time with him, that was the only way their connection got stronger. She felt that since he was gone, she couldn’t focus on what was more important to her. So she ended up dropping out of high school and tried to focus on her next choices for her life, but she mostly paid attention to how to figure out how to spend more time with Zack while he was struggling with his work and family. As time went by, Sammie ended up losing her home, and she had to go to a program with included housing, and at the time, as she was working on herself, she was mostly focused on more of her relationships. She was still having problems with Zack. She ended up finding out more information about him than she ever prepared herself for. As it turns out Sammie’s identity that Zack knew about surfaced to his family and they weren’t happy that he wanted to be with someone like her so in time she noticed that things were drifting more apart once she confronted him about why he told her that I wasn’t really happy being with you my family said that you should only love me no one else I wasn’t ready to communicate with you, move in, or anything. I wasn’t ready to give up everything I had for you. Sammie dropped everything suddenly and was thinking a lot, but ended up saying what she felt. How could you say that? I did my best to be with you. I wanted us to spend more time together, spend nights together, and see how things with us were going to be being around each other more to see if we were ready to expand further, that’s all she wanted, but that wasn’t the case for him. So, after heated words were thrown around, we decided after 3 years to end everything and just be friends. Sammie ended up resenting him for a while, but something in her heart cared about him so much that she always ended up talking to him and checking on him every day as they both moved on with their lives. During their time apart, they ended up going through different locations and different people, and even brought new additions to their lives, but something ended up tying them back together. She ended up after a hurricane destroyed her life. She ended up one day going to visit Zack at his new location to find out that he was just living his life day by day. He was doing alright, just working and taking care of his new children. She sat down and explained to him everything she was going through and what her next steps were after the hurricane she endured blew through everything she was taught, she had, and everything was shattered. They talked about possibly reconnecting, but this time, everything was drawn out to make sure this was what they wanted to do. She wasn’t sure what he was thinking, even though he said everything about how he was feeling about it. They decided to leave everything that they had dealt with behind and started to try again. She couldn’t believe that everything was going to fall back into place. She kept running thoughts through her head like were things going to be different this time Were our connection that we have going stronger Were we going to be happy together were we able to produce our family Further Many questions were soaring through her mind but her worst part came true when she was making her dreams happen the hurricane came back through and it was trying to destroy everything more Sammie was trying to do to make it come true but the rain from the storm was manipulating everything in place. Zack went in and protected her by blowing through the storm and helped Sammie move everything in and get them set up for the next questions in her journey. As to this day, they have moved to another location, added a furball addition to their journey, and they are going on 19 years of best friend relationship and 3 years of a connecting marriage.

I would like to share a magical moment that has become a delightful part of my life. It’s been nearly a year since my husband and I decided to add a furry member to our family: our cat, Tigger. He is an orange tabby with a very unique personality. He loves to sniff you, rub against you, and meow loudly whenever he feels ignored.

Since we’ve had him, Tigger has developed a bad habit of trying to escape and sometimes goes missing for a day or two. He can also be quite destructive, scratching up furniture, messing with the blinds, and clawing at the windows. Despite these quirks, he is very lovable. He meows at you, snuggles next to you, and follows you to the bathroom. He definitely makes his presence known whenever you try to work.

So far, Tigger has been dealing with fleas and ticks, but ever since he started his new medication, he’s been doing much better. Even though he can be a handful at times, we love him no matter what, and we’re grateful for the happiness he brings into our lives.

Dear Samantha Allen, I decided to write to you now that you are 35 years old. I wanted to share with you your journey and what you will be looking forward to if you decide to go on this same path I have endured. See, after you were having your careless life with your boyfriend, I wanted to warn you that the life you were thinking you were going to have with him isn’t what you would want to believe. After his school journey decided to finally leave you were left alone with just your friends that you still talked to now and then. I remember when we were getting ready to come back into the fall and our last journey was about to begin but you were struggling with the classes for the first six weeks and as you were sitting in the Spanish class the teacher told you that at the end of your senior year there was this big project coming up called the senior quest. I wanted to let you know that even though I felt scared and nervous, I did the wrong thing I have regretted since. After our boyfriend left on his journey, I kept thinking that I had lost my train of will to keep going through school. I ended up losing interest in everything they had when I found that I was already failing the 1st six weeks. I decided to go to our school guidance counselor and wanted to talk to him about dropping out and leaving school. I wish to warn you that it would be a waste of time to even attempt. They kept taking all of our records and kept trying to show me that I was so close to finishing, I didn’t need to leave, but they wouldn’t let me without mom and dad to sign off. Well, forget it cause you think Dad would have let you get away with that. Fat chance, both of them kept giving me a speech that you ain’t going to be a high school dropout that won’t make it at all. We want you to succeed and go to college for an art degree or photography since we know you love to draw and take pictures all the time. You will even argue with them that, well, you have to be 18 to drop out, well, they tried to keep me there after we were close to turning 19, but they wouldn’t let me out there until someone rescued me to pick me up. After I had a long talk with my mom, we agreed that I would go get my GED, so I finally got to leave that place. Let me be the one to tell you it was the worst mistake I made in my entire life. Since then, I went to take the GED after 2 times, and I ended up getting so close, but you know how we are when it comes to math. It ended up getting the best of us, and we almost passed. Since then, I decided to give up the studies and just go find work, even though it was under the radar, but I ended up managing to find work okay. After going back from job to job in different years. I managed to mess around where I shouldn’t and decided before I had my 21st birthday to become a mother, well, let me tell you it was a mistake. Now I’m not saying that having them was a mistake, I just think, honestly, I wasn’t ready to bring a new life into my life. I ended up struggling very hard after her dad abandoned me while I was 2 months pregnant, and even had the nerve to deny that she was his. Even though after our battles went south, I had plenty of opportunities to find her a father figure, but I didn’t need it. I had the support of our family to help me through, even though I should have listened to my mom and just waited until I was a little more mature to handle raising a baby. After that, when I finally realized I couldn’t have the love of my life, I decided to take on a new chapter. Everything was fine at first, but the true colors ended up coming out at the worst time, more so after I found out a second child was coming into the mix. I tried everything in my power to keep the family whole, but then a certain match went off in my head with everything I was put through by him, I ended up divorcing him and left later on. I know I didn’t go into too much detail with you, but I don’t wish to scare you cause I want you to know, as you’re reading this, maybe you will take better precautions and find the right ways to deal with it all like I did. I ended up after a while ended up after 2021, getting remarried. I ended up having a total of 3 kids, but sadly enough, one of my children ended up passing away due to a miscarriage, so after that, I ended up with only my first one. I know you would probably ask what happened to our second child, while the long story short, she was taken away from me by an organization called Child Protective Services. There was a long going mishap between our daughter’s dad and her sister and it ended up in turmoil with the court system after fighting to keep with her me they got me for our mental health issues and accused me of neglecting her when all I was also trying to do was make our life better especially for her. Well, that didn’t convince them enough that everything I was trying to do for her wasn’t enough, so now she has been gone for 3 years. Since then, we got remarried, we now have two stepdaughters, 10 and about to be 8. Since then, life has not been as easy as you think. I have been struggling now more here lately with taking care of my home, trying to work out my marriage, making sure my health stays the way it needs to be, and trying to figure out my next career move to help out with the finances besides our monthly check. So, pretty much when you read this, don’t be scared, I just want to make sure that you know what you’re facing and hopefully make our future different then what I’m living in now. I wish you the best in your upcoming adventures. GOOD LUCK

Change. It’s a part of life.

Seasons change- the sun stays out longer, the leaves change colors and fall, the snow and ice melt, the plants begin to bloom again.
Humans change- as the years pass every person matures physically, socially, and emotionally.
Technology changes- new ideas develop and old ones are updated.
Culture changes- music and fashion fads become popular, then fade away, and sometimes come back again (though not all of those things should. Looking at you, fanny packs).

But, like it or not, ready or not, at some point everything changes.

Modify. Replace. Fade. Update. Improve. Decrease. Alter. Develop. Transform. Revive. Correct. Shift. Amend. Vary. Fluctuate. Tweak.

CHANGE. Everything changes.

I hate it. I hate change. I always have. Even more than hating change, I hate not seeing a REASON for the change. Which makes it difficult sometimes, when the Creator of the universe doesn’t think I need to know the reason, or at least not at the moment I’m asking for it.

I think this opposition to change first started when my family moved away from my childhood home at the end of 7th grade. Try telling an emotional middle school girl, who was very comfortable in her small Christian school and church, that she was now one of 500 kids at a new school where she knew no one. Needless to say, it didn’t go over well. Fast forward eight years when my parents decided to move again, this time, right before my senior year of college. I was so angry. Not at my parents, really, but at God. I felt he had ripped home away from me the last year I really needed it. It took months for me to get over that anger. Those two moves were defining moments in my life (more on that later). Looking back 21 years and 13 years respectively, I can see how the Lord worked both of those moves out for my good. (Funny how He always seems to do that). He used change to direct my life where He needed it to go, but at the time, I didn’t like the change.

Change. It’s a part of life. It’s a part of MY life. But for some reason, it has felt like this year has held more change than ever. Changes I can’t seem to understand. Changes I don’t want to understand. Change. I still hate it!

However, as I continue to wrestle through that ever-present loathing of change, I am beginning to see a thawing in my attitude towards it. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still not a fan. But, throughout this year, I have tried to more purposefully and consciously look back on what the Lord has done for me. As a history teacher, this was easy. I love looking back on the past. It is literally my job description. I now have 34 years to look back on and see how God has wisely and lovingly guided me through numerous expected and unexpected changes. My goal in the coming years is to remember that history. I spend my days telling kids to remember what He has done…it’s time I took my own advice! I have no better way to sum up this new focus and attitude, than a favorite quote of mine from the Chosen. Earlier this school year, I started to watch the Chosen for the first time, after years of one of my friends encouraging me to do so. I have not regretted it. In the Chosen episode when Peter walks on water, and Jesus pulls him from the waves, Jesus holds him tightly in the boat, and says to him, “I have much planned for you, Simon. Really hard things. Just keep your eyes on Me.” That quote has played over and over in my mind in the months since I first saw that episode. But now it has MY name in it. “I have much planned for you, Jessica Dawn. Really hard things. Just keep your eyes on Me.” Like it or not, ready or not, at some point everything changes…but you know what? I serve a God who is unchangeable. That thought grounds me more and more the older I get. MY Jesus “is the same yesterday, today, and forever” (Hebrews 13:8)!

A year ago, just a few months before my 33rd birthday, I sat down and wrote, for lack of a better phrase, a personal historical account. A record of several specific ways I had seen the Lord give me the “desires of my heart” (Psalm 37:4). I am not going to rehash that whole account (if you are interested in reading that, I might be willing to share). The purpose of this account is to explain how some of the things from last year’s account have already changed, and what the Lord has taught me through those changes. What I did last year was make a list of all my responsibilities at school/work and prioritize them based on what I felt the Lord had called me to do at that point in my life. Below is an excerpt from last year’s previously mentioned “historical account”.

I want to be the absolute best middle school history teacher I can be. I have a few specific goals to work on in my classroom in the next few months to make that a reality. I want to be a better basketball coach, but more purposefully seeking out the girls on my teams who need the Lord and discipling those who already know Him. I want to keep serving the Lord here in Wilmington. I’ve struggled with this thought throughout the last couple years, about whether this is where I need to stay, but over and over God has made it clear- WIlmington, NC is where I’m supposed to serve. WCA is where God wants me to be.

Shocking no one, the top two most important responsibilities on my list were teaching history and coaching basketball. It’s been that way since I was in 4th grade. I’ve never had a question mark behind that statement. God wants me to teach history and coach basketball. Period.

Looking for it, or not. Change comes.

That has been the unexpected theme of my Year 33. I started last April with a heart fully dedicated to being purposeful in the areas God had called me to serve, and I do believe I have done that. But in the midst of that passionate pursuit to be purposeful, He threw me a curveball. Several curveballs actually, and the first one was only a month after writing my Year 33 “historical account”.

After much prayer and consideration, I decided not to coach basketball this school year. Anyone who truly knows me, knows how hard of a decision that was to make, and how massive of a change that was in my life. Honestly? I struggled internally with that for months and barely spoke about it to anyone. I had peace about it when I made the decision, and I still have that peace today, but that change was so hard to process. Again, I don’t like change, especially not when I don’t see a good reason for the change, which was the case in this situation. I still do not have all the answers for this one, and that’s ok. God never promised to give us all the answers. Habakkuk is a great example of someone who never got the answers to the changes he saw, and “yet,…” (Habakkuk 3:18), he focused not on the changes, but on the God who allowed the changes. Later, Paul encourages us to “set our affection on things above” (Colossians 3:2). Or as Jesus tells Simon in the Chosen, “Just keep your eyes on Me.” I love basketball, and I love coaching, but the Lord needed to teach me some things off the court this year, and I am going to walk forward confidently in this change.

The second major change began just a few months after my decision to step away from coaching. I knew from before this school year ever started that I would have to make a decision about whether I believed the Lord still wanted me at WCA. This one is hard. Wilmington is my home. I have moved so many times in my life (the two mentioned at the beginning of this document was only the start!). God must have smiled on 13 year old Jessica crying about leaving Chesapeake, VA because He knew He’d be moving me ten more times…well, Eleven. For the past eight years, I have known beyond the shadow of a doubt that the Lord wanted me in North Carolina at Wilmington Christian Academy. But with just as much confidence, I now know, my time at WCA has come to an end. The opportunity to teach with my Dad and Mom up in Green Bay became available and I know the Lord is calling me to take that opportunity. The Lord is moving me…again. Processing this change has been tough. There’s a lot of feelings that have been rising to the surface as the school year has progressed that I do not like (for example, the tears running down onto my t-shirt as I write this). And yet, in the midst of my emotional processing, I have a peace “that passeth all understanding” (Philippians 4:7). I honestly can’t fully explain how confident and peaceful I feel about this decision, but it’s there. Please do not miss the irony of this situation, because it certainly has not been lost on me! Thirteen years ago, I was ANGRY at the Lord because He called my family away from Wilmington to go to Green Bay. We had only been in Wilmington for eight years, and I felt like I had been there my whole life. Wilmington WAS my life. Eight years ago, God brought me back to Wilmington as a teacher, and it has been wonderful. This was my “dream job” back in high school. I am so grateful for the time God allowed me to minister at WCA. But back to the irony… Now I have also made the decision to move away from Wilmington, my home- to the SAME place God took me kicking and screaming thirteen years ago. Again, the Lord must have smiled down on 21 year old Jessica knowing full well that the next time He asked this change of me, I’d respond differently. Wilmington will always be my home, but it’s time for the Lord to use me in a new ministry.

Just one year ago, I had several emphatic periods at the end of my purpose statements. I KNEW I was right where God wanted me to be. Little did I know those periods were actually supposed to be commas.

Modify. Replace. Fade. Update. Improve. Decrease. Alter. Develop. Transform. Revive. Correct. Shift. Amend. Vary. Fluctuate. Tweak. CHANGE. Everything changes.

I may not like change. I may not understand it. I may not be ready for it. But my God is unchanging and THAT is where I rest and find my peace in the midst of my questions and confusion and emotions. I was not prepared for either of these massive changes, but in closing, I want to challenge you with one more thought I have stolen from the Chosen and made my own. Matthew, the former tax collector turned disciple, tells a Roman officer that when he finds himself clouded with confusion, he stops and reminds himself, “I only have one thing to do today. Follow Him. Everything else seems to fall into place.”

This is the second year I have now written a “personal historical account”, reflection and purpose statement to guide my next year. Year 33 was my purposeful year. I am sitting here at the very beginning of Year 34, which I am now going to call my immutable year. It has been said that “there is nothing permanent in this world, except change.” Maybe that is true. But my goal this year is that I will continue to fix my eyes on the Old Rugged Cross as I seek to be faithful to the Immutable God who has given me the opportunity to serve Him. If I want to be like Jesus, that means, being immutable. Seasons, humans, technology, and culture changes, but my God remains the same- and asks the same of me. “Be ye steadfast, UNMOVEABLE, always abounding in the work of the Lord” (I Corinthians 15:58).

“I only have one thing to do today. Follow Him.”

Dear Me:

You’ve come so far, you’ve struggled hard,
Yet somehow you’ve gone nowhere.

You’ve been in love, you’ve been a friend,
But still can’t find someone who cares.

It’s not your fault, you’ve tried your best,
But just can’t help to feel ashamed.

You broke their trust, they broke your heart,
Still you are not the one to blame.

Your roads been rough, your feet are worn,
Yet you still walk through thick and thin.

You deserve a break, you deserve to live,
Stuck in the past is where you’ve been.

You do know better, you know right from wrong,
Yet you still make the same mistakes.

But you do you, you must go on,
It’s your strong will they cannot break.

You’re a good man, you’ve just made bad choices,
Don’t let them be what defines you.

You write these words, you know them well,
Don’t let bad vibes be the ones that find you.

Just be yourself, and love yourself,
Slowly one day things will get better.

You can do this it’s the choice you made,
When times get tough just read this letter.

I think I have fallen in love with you; it’s been a long journey of convincing myself that I am worth having you.

I get up early just to spend time with you, and you are the last thought that I have at night. You make me a better version of myself, because I never want to give anything but my best to you!

No matter the day, you are always there for me, encouraging me to be better than yesterday, but regardless, I know I will always have you there!

You are golf!

I love you!

Dear mom,

You’ve known me the longest. You had a big role in making me. I was one part you and one part Dad. One part breath, one part earth. Your womb was the kiln I found my true form in.

I was one of 3, byt you always made me feel like the top of that triangle, the high point of our five-pointed star.

I remember you bought the anthology of young writers when, in 5th grade, my poem about winter was published in it.

You knew I’d get into Luther, but you forced, forced me to choose a back up school. Still believing while going over my financial package, with Dad, on our Windows desktop in the living room, that I could make that driftless dream come true.

After coming home from our church’s mission trip to Juarez, I thought you didn’t take me seriously when I said I wanted to go into the Peace Corps after college. But when I was boarding the plane to South Africa wearing my life-sized backpacking backpack, I knew your tears were partly of maternal pride.

You were there when I was in-patient and cracked jokes about the hospitilization experience. How the little library on the ward had barely any books and included the Uglies series and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

You were there when I became a teachers, got my masters and licensure in a year. You were right there cheering me on as I moved from school to school, tirelessly looking for my teaching home.

And you supported me as I published my book of poetry, and pitched it to an editor. You always listened to my words and said they always struck you as insightful and inspiring. I knew I always had an audience.

Now, I’ve learned that you’d still be with me, be my bright shining moon, in the darkest of nights. When I was a way from home, you always said to look for the moon and know that you’d be looking at the same moon.

When you got cancer, I knew I had to keep looking for the moon, for myself and for you.

The moon is always in the sky, no matter the stormy weather. You held the moon in the sky for me so I could always find my way, even if the path led far from home, or from what I thought home was.

For always being my moon, I love you.

april 21
a journal on fulfillment
unfortunately, I have spent a great deal of my thoughts on the ponderance of what it means to be fulfilled. how we quantify it, test it, live it. most of my 11:11 wishes wish for fulfillment. I know I’m not supposed to give away what I wish for, but that’s not all of it. I’ll keep the rest a secret. I’m under the belief that the majority of people die unfulfilled. the sole thought of going hungry, going broke, going homeless, terrifies people more than the feeling of never finding anything they are passionate about, never falling in love, never feeling like themselves, never feeling as if they’re living out their truth.

I fear both.

but I fear never following my passion more. it’s scary to know that money has to be earned and there is no task I currently wish to do in exchange for cash. purpose is so subjective yet as a society, I feel we have found a way to objectify purpose and place it in a see-through box to be displayed. everyone is looking at you, the pressure is on. inside the box, you must do what is subjectively providing a value that has money as currency. I’d rather have fulfillment as currency, get paid in love, joy, contentment, on my own terms. I choose to validate my inner truths rather than suppress them as I believe everyone ought to spend enough of their life digging deep enough within to understand who they are. instead of letting the world tell you. the world tells everyone who to be when they listen to it. but your soul will tell you who to be if you choose to listen to yourself. I think you can only hear yourself when you allow enough quiet, the only thing you can hear is your own production of thoughts, ones that were not placed in your brain externally but created in original form, strictly for your own acknowledgement.

I think a lot of people fear the quiet because they do not like to face the truths of self. most people are numbing themselves with alcohol, drugs, smoking, hooking up with strangers, partying, everyone seems to have a vice. it’s socially acceptable, even. but what is the true motive behind all of these? most people are deeply uncomfortable with the thoughts that arise when they allow enough silence in order for them to do so. and everything has a cost. everything is an energy exchange, for good or for bad.

when I was in the worst mental position I have ever been in, I hated being alone. I wanted to fill every silence, spend as much time with others, and numb all my thoughts with drinking, partying, or even eating. we find comfort externally to mask the internal turmoil we are destined to feel at some point in our lives. but acceptance of the good and the bad will allow the upheaval of the bad. as when you accept the dark parts of you, you shine a little light on them. over time, they transform to light. you can create life from death. there is renewal in endings. there is a golden nugget in everything that sucks. but if you spend too much time ignoring the darkness, you will never know how well the light within you shines.

it’s so easy to follow a path and I wish there was one that made sense for me to follow. it would allow be much easier. but I feel as if I have gotten too comfortable with the depths of myself that I can never go to a surface level to complete a mission not created by the innerworkings of my soul. I’m too deep into the acknowledgement of who I am to skip over, neglect, those parts of me. whatever I end up doing in life has to touch my soul in some way. and maybe that will allow me to open up as a vessel of light to others. or maybe it will only go as deep as to shine through myself, never reach anyone. I think my purpose will someday reach others through myself, but maybe it won’t.

nonetheless, in order to feel as if you have a reason to live, you have to feel like you are fulfilling a purpose or achieving something. that looks different for everyone. but in general, working towards any sort of goal provides meaning in your daily life. I truly believe those who take their own life felt as though day to day life was not fulfilling. they felt as if everything they were working towards had no meaning, a complete lack of passion or care for how they were spending their time. the exchange of their time was not providing any sort of deeper satisfaction. a complete lack of satisfaction. that’s why I think even people who are depressed, when they are working towards something, never switch over to being suicidal. because they have a reason to be alive every day. I have met a handful of people in my lifetime who have openly admitted to being suicidal in their life at some point. and they said the reason they never did it was because they felt like they still had some sort of reason to be alive. for some people, they started training for something like a marathon or even just a weight loss journey, and every day, it gave them a reason to be alive. some people have a pet they have to feed every day; and if not them, the pet would not be alive. or they have a promotion they are working for, and it gives them purpose day to day.

but the key to this point is that you have to like what you’re doing, feel as though it is fulfilling a part of you that has been empty. people who feel directionless, or as if they are fulfilling someone else’s dream are more likely to be depressed, or even suicidal. that’s why the distinction of the soul’s desires from worldly placement is astronomically important.

we actually have a very long life to live and that often gets ignored in the urgency of chasing money. motives have been skewed to the value you can provide for others rather than the value you can find within yourself.

the debate I have been internally struggling with for some time is whether or not my personal fulfillment is worth the potential external failure. on the outside looking in, dropping everything and going broke to do the Camino de Santiago sounds reckless and a waste of time. but my purpose comes from soul searching, spending time with the Creator, and feeling within myself. the woods are my element and the answers of what it means to be human, for me at least, exist within them. walking every day from Albergue to Albergue will provide my purpose. and mine alone. for I claim my own direction. while walking every day provides no benefit for the world around me, the world inside me will be nurtured in a way money cannot buy.

that’s the problem, we focus on the things money can buy. we assign value in what can be purchased by paper we earned in exchange for our time. we are told not to focus on anything else as most people feel like spending time delving into the significance of human existence has no real intrinsic value. as they fear the confrontation of any spirituality. but I would argue the sole reason we are here is to uncover all the parts of our soul that are flooded with meaningless jargon pressured upon us as a distraction from who we really are and why we’re here.

when we leave the earth behind, you’ll die with all the things you have acquired. and if you spent a lifetime creating a soul that will ever last death, your fear of death will evaporate. but those finding fulfillment in chasing wealth and materialistic things to quantify, will fear death, likely laying on their deathbed thinking of all the things they should have done, the things that once mattered to them that perhaps had no external, objective value.

when I look back on the 24 years I’ve lived thus far, all my most rewarding and valuable moments have not earned me any money or have provided me with anything tangible. they have all been moments that I felt my soul was nurtured. that’s what life is all about. nurturing our soul and dying with moments that live on.

Let go.
Let go—
of people who no longer walk beside you,
of things that weigh down your spirit,
of places that no longer feel like home.
Let go—
of the self you no longer recognize,
of the inner voice that whispers doubt,
of labels that confine your essence.
Let go—
of habits that dim your light,
of relationships that drain your energy,
of mistakes etched in yesterday’s shadows.
Let go—
of the past that clings,
of the future that looms,
of the fear that stifles the present.
Let go—
of perspectives that no longer serve,
of wounds that ache in silence,
of hurts that echo in your heart.
Let go—
of your first love’s memory,
of your last love’s goodbye,
of the scarcity mindset that limits your abundance.
Let go—
of all that was once known,
of truths that no longer resonate,
of anything that doesn’t align with your soul today.
Let go—
to move forward,
to welcome unwritten chapters,
to embrace the story only you can write.

Hello.
Hello—
to new faces that light up your path,
to new things that spark joy,
to new places that feel like belonging.
Hello—
to beginnings that stir excitement,
to opportunities that beckon growth,
to chances that invite courage.
Hello—
to loves that nurture,
to abundance that flows freely,
to the present that grounds you.
Hello—
to yourself,
to your essence,
to the life you are destined to live.

Let go—
to surrender to your journey,
to trust in your becoming,
to write the story that is uniquely yours

Let’s go back to those nights of walking the neighborhood.
Of riding our bikes thru that same neighborhood bypassing the “scary” street.
Let’s go back to sitting in front of the TV playing video games til the sun comes up.
Go back to the days of driving around feeling like grown adults.
Let’s go back to those day trips that consist of music blaring thru the speakers. Our voices singing as loud as they can.
Go back to the nights of just us girls & the open road which led us to the unknown.
Let’s go back to those nights in our 20s of just dancing the night away with no cares in the world.
With the only thought of “will it be mimis or dennys” after the night is done.
Let’s go back to girls night in.
Banging drums. Tapping the microphone. & strumming the guitar.
Can we go back and just live for the moment?
For the simplicity.
For the joy.
Can we go back & just enjoy being present?
No rush for the next task.
No responsibilities that will consume our time.
Can we go back & just be?
Let’s go back & see.
Just us three.