Every day the same
Clouds and fog roll in and out
Teasing with glimpses of light
Tide ebbs and flows
Flooded then not
Steps like quicksand
Sinking

Do I want to know what day it is?
If I do, I will know
it’s one more day without you

But if I
Don’t move past the grey
Then maybe I can stand still in time
Lost in the mist
And be with you
Just an hour, a minute a second
Longer
With you.

My children have met someone
That might become their
Partner, a life partner,
Whose aim is to keep both, never alone,

To start a family of their own.
Dealing with advice, first disagreement,
First time meeting anxiety lent
Some insight into meetings flown

Off their trajectory into a NO
While others have progressed
For months, weeks, days, dressed
In meeting spaces trying to leave NO

Leaf, question unanswered before
Coming face to face, as they brace
For acceptance, liking, passion, in a pace
That drives me insane for the core

Is to build a family within ours.
How do I proceed, as the mother?
How do I let go without a bother?
How do I progress when theirs

Is a meeting of minds and hearts?
How do I accept not spoiling
Them whenever I want, coiling
My fear into a bow that never rests

For you never know if their
Choice will truly be happy or queer.

©️ Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

A thousand stars burst brightly through my sight
The future arrived with such bitter blaze
A Broken type-cast, like ghosts of the past
Hope really shouldn’t exist.

The lies of omissions echoed and boomed
The edges shrivel, and fray and decay
Ra’s fire crack’s and burst- this frail excuse
The sledgehammer didn’t help.

Pouring rain, oceans of salt, drowned those stars
As they fell with all the wishes and hopes
Magic couldn’t sew stars back to the sky
Dreams dark nightmarish things.

But at the bottom of that ocean deep
Long lost treasure; incandescent did sleep
The empty shell now with a soul and hope
Now Remembering and realizing
Forgotten- The way home

Unshackled from ideals of ‘dreams come true’
Through realities patchwork telescope
The stars shine on, and never left the sky
I can rebuild this foundation from scratch
With treasures from my past.

The best thing that happened to me this year was getting fired from my job. I had worked there for seven years and grew tired, but before I had the opportunity to quit, I was let go. I was scared and for the first time, I had no plan of what to do. After several interviews and applications, I finally got a job at a place I had always wanted to work for. I had lived in comfort and content for so many years that I never really felt the need to hope for more. Now that I am at this new job there is so much potential and options of what I can do with my life now. It is a scary experience and nerve wrecking because I have to start all over again from making strides and accomplishments. Getting fired was the best thing to ever happen to me, because it changed my perspective and allowed me to see myself in a new light. I take greater risks now and I am not afraid to be myself and put my best foot forward. Sometimes failure is just the opening door for your next success story.

After years, the day is finally here
At 22, I had started my long voyage
Not knowing what to expect, I was in fear
The road seemed endless, with long days and nights ahead
But with support behind me, they cheered for me

After years, the day is finally here
At 23, I was passing my way through classes
Being advanced, I would complete it sooner than later, dear
Between constant death, moving, heartbreak, and more
I didn’t know how to handle life’s hardships while full-time

After years, the day is finally here
At 24, things were tough, but I carried on
Letting God and Jesus guide my way, my path became clear
I worked so hard but was doing excellent
Through the tears, I toughed my way through without giving up

After years, the day is finally here
At 25, my heart and brain were extremely exhausted
My dedication and sweetness to everyone was endear
Onward and upward, a lot of growing and healing was made
Step by step, I got closer and was filled with promise and hope

After years, the day is finally here
At 26, I felt new as a new path began to unfold
While I spread my wings as my new chapter was all clear
I had support behind my back from family, friends, and my lover
On December 14th, I was filled with joy, hearing cheers, laughter, and glory

You had me just last week.
On the 24th day of September.
After a drive to grab some things,
It was a session that I could always remember.
I sit and think about our interaction.
And how it instantly pulled me back together.
For me just to go home and think about you,
It’s been raining all day and my mood now matches the weather.
Then you come back to what was once our house,
Which I now live alone in with my son and our daughters,
And I fed you while you played with our youngest as I fought my urge to kiss you,
For you to just come back to see me later on that night and take me again…
just like I was all yours, always in all ways, for you to go and leave right after.
Put me right to sleep.
I just hope this doesn’t end again in a disaster.
My love continues to grow,
I don’t know what your intention is but I’m letting you lead,
I keep saying I’m leaving it in God’s hands,
I just want our family back but I don’t know if that’s what you want it to be.
You’re keeping quiet about your feelings about me and about this.
I just want you to speak and be open.
Why are you so closed off?
Stop being hesitant and stop acting broken.
I trying not to read you,
Assumptions are always wrong.
The more I overthink,
The more it’s not going to belong.
You take every single inch of me again.
More intense each time.
Increasing the passion as my love for you does when I see you and you kiss me.
The way I know you only want me as yours and I want you as mine.
You finally confess the truth about me to me,
You’ve never stopped loving me and you keep coming back for a reason.
One of those not only being our love but also our child.
Baby I want this to work out, I don’t need this being only for a season.

There’s a core memory that stood out from all the rest.
A road trip to Tybee Island sparked my creativity when I wasn’t at my best.

Beneath the sun-kissed sky, the ocean’s rhythm lulled my soul,
As laughter danced on salty air, carefree and whole.

My heart, once shattered, found solace in the sea,
A canvas washed clean, ready for me.

A spark ignited, a fire within,
As I poured my heart out, pen to skin.

Words flowed like the tide, a healing art,
Mending my spirit, piece by piece, from the start.

With loved ones by my side, I found my way,
A beacon of hope, a brighter day.

No longer burdened, no longer alone,
A newfound strength, a heart of stone.

Quality time spent feeling free, allowed me to find peace.
Encompassed with love, wrapped in a soft, gentle fleece.

A judgment-free space where I felt safe to bare my soul.
An unforgettable day at the beach, full of stories untold.

Dear Unsealers…

I spent over 100 hours studying material I wasn’t interested in, to earn a job I knew wouldn’t be fulfilling. I began 2024 certified in life, health, property, and casualty insurance. I took the job because it was acceptable, it paid better, and it seemed like it would be less toxic than the five other jobs I had quit over the last eight years.

I was wrong.

I hated it. Each day brought me more anxiety because I knew this wasn’t where I was supposed to be. After thirteen years of hospitalizations, treatment facilities, and medications, the fog of mental illness lifted just enough for me to see that I was headed in the wrong direction. This clarity brought new challenges. In the past, I took jobs I thought I was supposed to, overworked myself, then wondered why I would get burnt out and quit without even putting my two weeks in. I didn’t want that life anymore.

I walked into my (very intimidating) boss’s office to tell her that after months of rigorous training, this wasn’t for me.

I couldn’t stand working for people who didn’t care about my well-being, who told me I was being too much or not enough, who treated me like I was replaceable yet simultaneously put so much responsibility on my shoulders. In my rebellion, I applied to become a server. I hadn’t regularly exercised in years and was not great at lifting heavy things as I have back problems, but it didn’t matter to me. I limped home after shifts, slipped into Epsom salt baths while I winced, used lidocaine patches, and ate ibuprofen like candy. This was a small price to pay for independence.

I got laid off very suddenly, with no prior discussions about my performance. Apparently hands-off management has its’ downside. I worked at another restaurant for a few months, and the same thing happened. Backed into a corner, I filed for unemployment.

I confessed to my Boomer parents (who were so excited that I got a “big girl job” at the insurance agency) that I wasn’t happy. I told them I wanted to write full-time. Mom asked, “What kind of writing?” with concern, pretending it was curiosity. She hates that I write autobiographical poetry, which is why she always says I would be “so good at fiction.” Dad says, “This may be cliché, but I do think Millennials don’t want to work as hard.” Apparently prefacing it with the fact that it sounds cliché was supposed to soften the blow.

I have always been the black sheep of the family, afraid to step out of line. Joined a sorority because Mom wanted me to. Married a man I didn’t want to, had a big wedding because it was the thing to do. Played house for a few years. Got as thin as possible. Postponed tattoos I wanted. I was always living life for someone else…for what someone else wanted me to be.

This year, I was willing to sit in the discomfort and embarrassment of not having my worth tied to my income or productivity. I went to multiple interviews and for once, I was honest. I wasn’t playing a part so they would pick me. I sat with the disgust of years of corporate abuse, systemic ableism, discrimination, and bullying I tolerated just to barely afford being alive. I turned multiple prospects down. At first, it was painful to say no. I over-apologized and gave long explanations. Trauma makes you feel like you owe everyone a piece of yourself; that you are not autonomous over your will and your body.

2024 was the year of “No.” I said no to shitty jobs that made me want to die. I said no to unhealthy family patterns of codependency and compliancy. I said no to situations and people that hurt me. I said no because it felt right. I said no, because I could. The discovering is in the declining. The moments of feeling uncomfortable, the pauses when you consider changing your mind. The grief over all the times you said yes when you felt backed into a corner. The exhaustion of self-sacrifice, the years lost to unconscious behaviors. The joy of learning to trust yourself.

There are days I become stuck in my mind, replaying stories of how lazy and worthless I am, how I am wasting time every minute that I am not job hunting or writing. I am slowly learning to combat these fictional tales that capitalism and hustle culture have drilled into me. Sometimes, I long for the days where I could compartmentalize better. I could go to work on autopilot, come home, get high, then do it all again. But those days have run out.

Thank God for that.

Faith forged through fire, adversity’s claim,
A legacy born from struggle and name.
Essential Art, a beacon, took form,
In the storm of a pandemic’s norm.
Amid fracture and trial, you stood tall,
Rebuilding dreams despite it all.

The weight of grief, the flood’s cruel tide,
And the ache of watching loved ones collide
With frailty’s hand—but you didn’t yield.
Integrity served as your guiding shield.
From your father’s honor to WWII’s lore,
Scholarship seeds you sought to restore.

Then came a day—a memory to keep,
Of joy so pure, it stirred you deep.
A gathering of hearts, a table’s embrace,
Urban Meditation, a sacred space.
There, on your birthday, renewal took flight,
A gift to another, the future alight.

The checks you bestowed carried more than gold,
They carried the stories that never grow old:
Of courage and love, of rebuilding anew,
Of finding good people who carry you through.
Laughter and hope warmed the room that night,
As candles flickered with radiant light.

A birthday not of aging, but rebirth,
A celebration of purpose and worth.
To give back is to bloom in the soil of care,
And find blessings abundant, everywhere.
Through storms, you’ve learned what truly lasts—
The love we plant, the strength of our pasts.

Faith forged through adversity, now refined,
A thank-you to yourself, a heart aligned.
The year’s sweetest moment, a memory divine,
Of grace shared freely—a legacy’s shine.

Kindergartners, as it turns out, are quite avid breakdancers. If it weren’t for the birth of my beautiful daughter, I never would have known this. If it weren’t for the fulfillment of her 5-year-old heart’s desires (a dance party and pierced ears), I might never have experienced the wonder that is a posse of youngsters getting all kinds of jiggy with it. That free and energetic spirit on the dancefloor warmed my heart and became for me a cherished memory and a new prayer- that those kiddos might always keep that spark alive in them, even when they become “too cool” or afraid to be vulnerable.

The 5th birthday is a big one. It’s amazing the way that children’s milestones come to fruition. I expected first words and first steps to be a clear moment in time, a definitive pinpoint. As it turns out, they’re messier and more complicated. They’re full of half steps, partial words, forward and backward motions, and so too was the passage from 4 to 5 for my darling Bella Luna.

The fun began with an appointment to pierce her ears. We gathered at the mall with her Nonna, her Tia, her Tio, and of course, my wife, myself, and her little sister. As we approached Claire’s, we were distressed to see the lights off and a chain link gate pulled down in the store front. We stood there, looking in, as if somehow that would magically make the place open and ready for the big event. Just as unease began to creep in, the employee (who was on lunch break) came over.

“I’ll be open again in 15 minutes,” she said with an edge of annoyance.

“We had an appointment to get my daughter’s ears pierced at 1:00,” I reply, with a hint of authority.

“Did you do it online? Cause we don’t get those. Anyways, I can’t pierce anyone’s ears under the age of 6. I’m not trained for it.”

That was the critical moment- the one where, as a parent, panic sets in. Not that you need her birthday to be “perfect,” but you surely hope that you can deliver on the planned promises and meet her expectations. I could see tears welling up in Bella’s eyes as the meaning of this young lady’s words started to register.

We cut our losses, walking away after bickering about how there shouldn’t be online bookings if they won’t be honored and how we were sorely disappointed in this denial. We then frantically called tattoo parlors, looking for a last-minute chance. All our efforts were fruitless. Bella’s Nonna hopped on the highway back home, and we all hung our heads. Bella, ever resilient, was consoled by the fact that she would get them pierced one day, if not today.

That’s when I decided to make a move. I went back down to Claire’s, and I used two parts rizz and one part birthday guilt to convince the young lady to do this thing. She got on board with it after I assured her of Bella’s maturity and showed her that she had the chance to do something extraordinary on this droll day of working away at the mall- she had the chance to make a young girl’s, rather a whole family’s, birthday wish come true.

As I walked back to my family in triumph, I was filled with a sense of joy and excitement. The look in my wife’s eyes and Bella’s as well confirmed to me that I had won the day. We got Bella’s ears pierced, and she was the best bravest girl, determined to bear whatever it took to get a new way to express herself, accessorize, and be the fashionista she is. After a celebratory dinner, it was time to put our eyes towards the party the following day.

We stayed up late making decorations, preparations, and sharing some of favorite memories from these short yet full five years. The morning dawned, and Bella, true to form, got her party outfit on first thing. From that very first moment, through all those that followed, I did my best to anchor myself in the present. To be there for this flickering, fleeting finale, the end of one era and the start of a next. Staying present was challenging at moments, but that moment the first song came on, and Bella and all her little friends absolutely got down to the banging beat, well, it would’ve been impossible not to be attuned for that one. I only hope that I will be able to be present for many such moments over the course of her life, that I embrace the privilege and opportunity it is to be her guide, her coach, and her friend. When I get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope I dance.

the body of the goddess

the silk tan skin
the gentle sweet kisses

slid them off
slid on me
tongue locks tongue tied tenderly

pulse in chest because
i can’t lose you
a silly excuse when she’s half naked.

slid off me
slid them on
carried to the door, laughter explodes

i love you

drive safe

My Goals for 2025

My goals for 2025
My first goal is to be alive

This year was tough,
And mentally rough

I have loved and I have lost
But at what cost

When one door closes; another opens
Next year will be peaceful; I am hoping

I was confused but now it’s clear
I will create my own destiny for next year

This year my marriage has ended and we both are now free
My goal for next year is to take care of me

12/15/2024
Deborra Hill

Who knows where the light lives
Who knows why it’s here
There’s music in the mystery
There is magic
There is fear
ar
The wonder of connection
Incendiary and soft
That sets spirits dancing
Unfettered to a future
Unshackled by the past

Magic and mystery
Whispers ad winds
Trust in the music
Trust in the friend

Hearts have been wounded, warped, shattered
Still angels would teach us to sing
Of this challenge we’re silently facing
As we dream of a path to the sea

Light only comes from the darkness
Light only lives in the heart
Light alone can make roses and rainbows
We must choose to rise or to beach or to go

Well.. I mean… 2024 isn’t really over yet…
But I’m almost willing to bet…
That my greatest moment hasn’t happened yet…
Words can’t begin to describe how long I’ve waited…
Or how many years it’s felt like my hearts been deflated…
Wrestling often with the thoughts I’ve debated…
The amount of time I’ve spent suffering alone…
A chill that that sinks into the depths of the bone…
Yet to finally find a woman… I can call my own…
Words can’t begin to describe how much joy she brings
A treasure truly greater than anything
Which is why I chose to buy her a ring
That I may claim her as mine
A gentle beauty so fine
As if crafted by a hand divine
Kind, loving, hardworking and diligent
She is truly magnificent
Almost as if she’s been heaven sent
She came to me at a time when I was at one of my lowest
So I hope to give her all of my best
To be able to provide her with a life of comfort and rest
And tho our journey together has not officially begun
I still find myself utterly stunned
For I can see her being the mother to my daughters and sons
If there’s one message to her I hope to send
Its that my love for her knows no end
All that’s left, is for my to knee to bend…
So I suppose…
It’s time for me to propose
With a ring and a rose