To every version of me that was never enough,

Let’s start with adolescence
and travel through the years
Neglected as a child,
no one there to wipe your tears

You weren’t taught self-respect
Or that your mind had any value
You were taught that sex was cheap
With zero effort men could have you

You hid behind the booze
Because they kinda numbed the pain
You quickly lost control
And were unable to regain

You found yourself a mother
Before you started senior year
The man who shared the baby
Unfortunately, insincere.

The next ten years are blurry
A hurricane of lust and d ugs
Of broken hearts and empty smiles
And smoke-infested lungs

Men often saw a burden
In the place in which you stood
Because they can’t control you
And your mental’s not so good

In many ways they broke you
In body and in mind
You pretended you deserved it
But you can not be that blind

Your family and your friends
Jumped ship and left your side
When living was too much to bear
You would have rather died

Self-doubt bled into your life
In way more spots than one
Your exes sought out ammunition
You handed them the gun

They stripped you of the only thing
That really made you whole
You didn’t scream, you cowered down
As they inherited your soul

So many men with faces blurred
Have taken pieces of you
That weren’t on loan, or theirs to keep
So eventually you withdrew

You took your sanction, Owned it loud
As if you earned the retribution
You may as well have pulled the plug
A self-worth execution

You measured merit by fake love
And what you thought you had to offer
You forgot that you are also you
A mother and a daughter

You are worthy of the love you give
Maybe someday you’ll see
You don’t deserve abuse and fraud
Respect should not cost you a fee

Last I checked, you don’t lie flat
Outside of someone’s doorway
You have a right to voice your needs
And expect some mental foreplay

Maybe it’s time to consider facts;
until now you had no clue
You don’t need to be anything for anyone
As long as you’re okay with you.

Style score 62%

God sent an arrow from His quiver (stomach) to save me from being away from Him, because of God’s Loyal Lovingkindness for the ages. He raised a storm within my stubborn nephesh (soul). Why do I say this? When I was younger, my sister was dating a guy who was a Mormon. She wanted Dad, Mom, her, and me to get baptized. Mom said no. My dad, my sister, and I were baptized as Mormons. It felt like after I did, they didn’t want anything to do with me. At least this is my memory of it. It hardened my heart. I turned from God for a while.

I had a friend who kept after me to go to church. I kept saying no most firmly. One day, they happened to come over to our house. We were in the kitchen. They said, “You need to come to church.” I was tired of them asking me, and I said,” If you will leave me alone, I will go to church with you one time, then stop asking me.” I did use a bad word within that statement. However, I do not want to use bad words in my story—the result of their persistence in encouraging me to go to church. I finally broke down and went. The arrow that God sent me from his quiver pierced the hardened nephesh. Lo and behold, I kept going.

In 1985, I was in a youth group. The pastor gave us the assignment to write in a journal and ask Him for a prayer for what we wanted. We were to see how long it took God to answer our prayers. I prayed to God, “AM I WORTHY to be part of His family?” It took about a month for God to answer my prayer. God answered me in a dream.

My dream went like this: I was outside on our front lawn with my mother, father, aunt, and uncle. As we were talking, I looked up and saw this grey thing floating down from the sky. It landed on a neighbor’s roof. The grey thing turned and looked at me. It was death. I started praying, and suddenly, I was sitting at the table with Jesus in our house. I asked, “Am I worthy to be part of your family?’ His reply was, “Yes, join the others.” As we were chatting, I looked out the living room windows. I saw two golden lions shimmering in the driveway, and they jumped down the street.
Later in my dream, we were in a garden of beautiful flowers and people wearing white robes. I asked, “Where is Jesus?” They pointed over to him. I walked over to him and tugged on his white garment, and he looked at me. “I asked Him,” Am I worthy?” He said, “Join the others.” From that dream, I knew that I would always be part of his family. He will always be with me. Later that year, the Pastor baptized me, and now I use this dream to tell others of God’s love and how I am part of His family. It took a long time for me not to tear up as I told my testimony.

I see you sitting there on the deck hugging your knees, a blanket around your shoulders. I see you chain smoking, your mascara running down your face in a river of tears, your hands shaking and your headaches.
The police have left, your parents have left, you are home from the hospital. He’s in jail, at least for the night. Alone on the deck, your babies are asleep in their beds. You wonder how much this will affect them. Will they remember? They are so young; what will you tell them? As you bury your head in your hands, I can see your too-thin body shaking with fear, with anxiety, doubts swirling around in your mind like so many black clouds. As with so many nights before, you will not sleep tonight.
I am sitting beside you, even though you can’t feel me or see me. My arms are around you and I am whispering strength and love into your ear. Please know that you didn’t bring abuse on yourself. The cruel words and bruises you carefully cover with makeup are the work of someone who has deep wounds himself. Your husband who speaks love out of the same mouth that calls you vile names, whose hands hold you tenderly and then viciously strike you, tossing your body like a rag doll is responsible. You both bear scars from childhood trauma, from parents who love you in their best yet broken way. Forgive them; you all have a long way to go before this chapter is over.
Tomorrow you will go to file a restraining order; he will be served with papers before he is released. You will go to court, the order will be granted, and you will not look at him again for a year. Take a deep breath; you will find the courage to get through this. People will watch you, not knowing how to help. Their generation was one that kept this kind of thing secret. Your friends will offer prayers on your behalf, but not one will speak the supportive words you long to hear, nor will they offer a safe place to rest. Please don’t take this as not loving you, they do.
The two of you will divorce and raise your children together in a loving and supportive way. Your children will know the love of a bonus mom; she’s amazing. You will have no regrets, many experiences, and understand that healing is a lifelong journey.
Dry your tears, get some rest. Allow yourself to have a happy life; know that you are not only good enough, but you are also amazing.

To Young Chris,
You will live your life in a community of people who will come and go. They will agree and they will argue. No one will ever see the world the same as another, a fact that can both fortify or tear apart any relationship.
Don’t worry about what other people think of you; they do not know your experience. You can do whatever your heart desires; you will be great. Keep in mind you should not live by the fear that governs someone you love and trust. Guard yourself from being influenced by her rules, her warnings, her harsh criticism. You do not have to live within her walls; built to protect her. She has fought many battles of her own, leaving her wise and strong. She will give you gifts beyond compare. You will uncover them in time; her gifts will be your treasure.
You will spend so much of your life doing beautiful things. Success is yours with each new thing you do; you will struggle. When something ends, it is not failure, as each ending marks a beginning. Each time you fall, you will get up and dust yourself off. Raising your family will bring so much joy; there will be times your children raise you, let them. Trust yourself, trust your faith, howl at the Moon. The Sun will warm your back and you can dance in the rain. Marvelous things are in store for you, so don’t hide, accept the gifts with gracious exuberance. Each challenge you face will sharpen your wit, exercise your patience, and uncover knowledge that was buried deep within. You will never be alone; there are new friends with every smile you share. Believe me, there will be bitter tears. This path has many perils. You are strong, resourceful, and resilient. Sorrow will feel like an inescapable abyss. Let the dark embrace you like a protective covering. When you are ready, the joy in the light will be incredible. You will have no regrets.
No matter what is going on in your life, remember that you don’t need to be perfect to be loved. You can achieve whatever you want to achieve. The choices you make will always be the right choice for you. Take that trip to Nepal, Hike the PTC. Ride all the horses and bring your kids. Being a little feral is good for all of you. Life is to be lived; everything will turn out just fine. Believe you can, and you will.

Dear Rose,
I know it’s dark. I know it’s scary. You are unsure of what the future holds.You’re only five, your earliest memories shouldn’t be like this. I have so much to tell you and you might not understand it all right now. You might even think I’m crazy. Please, just try to listen.

That horrible man will go away, eventually. Please hang on to your spirit. Mommy will get better. Please keep her laughing. Your brothers will soon be your friends. Please hold on to the fun times. You will get through this stuff.

Now I need to warn you……
You will fall in love, but your heart will get broken (a lot). You will get through school, but it will be very hard. Making friends will be easy, but you’ll lose most of them. The word dad will mean something, but not the way you think. You will go to therapy for help, but it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done.

But within those things…..
You will be with the man of your dreams. He will find you at the right moment. Your high school graduation is coming. You worked hard and earned it. You will have friends. The few who are true are the only ones you keep. Your dad is not blood, he is the carrier and protector of your heart. Therapy is hard and there’s no other way to put it. Ironically, that’s what makes it work.

So the answers to those questions in your little head right now are…….
His name is Domanic. Buckeye Community Highschool is where. Their names are Bri, Taylor, Caity, and Xah. You will have more than one counselor. You’re a mommy to a little boy. You have your very own home. You’re doing good. You have struggles.

All at the same time…
You are loved. You are strong. You are worthy. You are kind. You are the best version of yourself at the moment. I can’t wait to see all the rest of the versions we become.
Gently,
You at twenty-four <3
Style score- 100%

 Hey World

Under a layer of soft earth, a little sprout reaches for the warmth of the sun and the brush of a soft breeze. This little sprout is here, alive and growing in this time and place. It is a miracle. A small child is born, a body filled with potential, a life filled with promise. A miracle.

I was born a long, long time ago. My body grew as bodies do, following a timeline of normal progression. My childhood was a mix of experiences, each laying the foundation of knowledge and beliefs. As a child, I saw the world from a child’s perspective. I regarded everything around me with curiosity. Each experience, each touch, taught me something. I learned all lessons well, each making me who I am today. 

My life has had times of growth and rest, ebbing and flowing with the seasons and the cycles of the universe. There were glorious smells of the places, the foods and the things that are anchored forever in my brain, making connections to memories and feelings. There were colors that created a feast for the eyes and sounds that played a soundtrack for my life. 

People have come and gone in my life, each for a purpose. Each person leaving indelible marks on my soul. Places and careers have come and gone. With each new beginning, the thought, “how did I get here? I didn’t see this coming” crossed my mind. My vision and understanding increased in scope and gained depth with each change. Pets and animals have been constant companions and protectors every step of the way. They have offered unconditional love, clear communication, and boundless opportunities for impromptu adventures. 

A perfect storm has twisted, scattered, (never lost) and bonded each experience into the exceptional blossom that is me and my life. With mindfulness, I planned a trip to sort my feelings, to understand experiences, to give myself grace, and the peace only understanding can provide. My trip included quiet and explosive times alone. Possibly sharing too much information with trusted friends and family. On the way to where I am I wrote, I took pictures and painted. Looking around my home and my brain, it is an explosion of colors and feelings. Life, just like art, is a process. You can’t hurry it along. There were moments of travel—brief trips, long hikes and times floating between trees in my hammock, swinging softly, listening to the whisper of the wind and the songs of the birds. With my dogs, of course.

A blossom is a thing of great work, of casting off the old and accepting the new. Of honoring the past, living in the present and holding space for walking bravely into the future, as it becomes my now. I fill my life with authenticity, intentionality, and responsibility. I have claimed ownership of my body and thoughts, and in doing that I have realized safety I have never known in my life. My life is blossoming with a sense of self worth that I have never had, and the fleeting thought that I don’t need to be perfect to be loved. I have forgiven generational trauma. I turned it into fertile ground for growing. Along the way, came the realization that judging past events by the knowing of today is not good practice.

Life is blooming everywhere around me, lifting me up, showing me the panorama of beauty that exists. This time it’s the whole vista, not just one leaf at a time. 

Do you remember me?
The girl you used to be, before, well… Everything I guess. I know you have blocked me out, and in a way I guess I don’t blame you, but from time to time I wish you would think about me.
Do you remember me?
I am quiet, kind, and spend a lot of time on my own. I wish you remembered that it’s not a bad thing to be alone. Not all company is good company, and if you aren’t content in your own presence, then why would you expect anyone else to be? I understand that your mind is a frightening place these days, but maybe running from the memories is part of what is making you hold onto them.
Do you remember me?
I am the girl that used to cry when I got in trouble, and I have an obsession with Barbie dolls. I wish you remembered how much I love to take care of them. You did the same thing with your daughters when you had them, and it would be better for them and you if you hadn’t worried so much about throwing your middle finger in the air at everyone for what they said about you as a mom as soon as you got a taste of rebellion and a bad attitude, and instead focused more on how you actually were as one. You really only proved them right in the end. For a while anyway.
Do you remember me?
I am dorky I guess. I go to plays with my Grandma, and play dress up with my cousins. Girls night with my friends are what I look forward to often. You wouldn’t know what that’s like anymore. You avoid Grandma because her dementia is getting worse and you know it’ll hurt less if you don’t see her much before she goes. Plus you couldn’t bear to see Papa like that. Nevermind the fact that family is probably the only thing holding him together. And girl friends? What the hell are those? You’ve given those up and replaced them with men. I wish you could spend a night with your best friend, sipping “happy tea,” and watching Anchorman, laughing so hard you cried. You might recall what it feels like to have a real kinship with someone that you don’t share a bed with.
Do you remember me?
I harbor innocence and imagination. The thought of even kissing the person that I like is enough to send shivers up my spine. I wish you would have slowed down in that area. I get it that things happened to you that made you bitter, scared, and angry. You didn’t have to be so easy though. No one will respect you if you don’t respect yourself. You aren’t a sex icon. You’re horny because you do drugs, and you became a hooker because you were poor and sick of living on the street. Just because you made a lot of money, it doesn’t restore your dignity.
Do you remember me?
I’m gentle and forgiving. Which is why even though I don’t understand what you’ve done, I still will forgive you. Someday. You’ve come this far, and you haven’t given up, so you should be proud of that. The world has become an ugly and evil place I guess, especially in the life you got wrapped up in.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I rushed you, and I’m sorry that I didn’t teach you to love yourself better. You may not have ended up in such a predicament. What do I know, though? I’m just a kid, and I’m only going off of the examples that have been set for me. It’s really crazy how we adopt the same behaviors that make us cringe when we are young. Anyway, I’m sorry that I didn’t give you the confidence in yourself to combat what was said about you with the girls, and I’m sorry that the me inside of you made you cower down when it came time to fight for them. It’s not over yet, and you have made a ton of strides in the right direction, but please, please remember. That everything you have worked so hard to build can be ripped away from you just as fast, if not faster. Don’t lose focus. And one last thing…. Don’t forget where you came from. Every now and again, if you could, just please try and think of me.

Style Score: 91%

Dear Me,
I grew up in a household where anger was first, love was last. No one nurtured me lovingly. I spent my days in fear. My parents were so wrapped up in their own world it seemed they forgot that parenting is more than just food, shelter, clothes, etc. My biggest fear is becoming anything like them.
My father was not the best. On the outside, he was a teddy bear that the world loved. If you asked anyone, he was overall a good man. The man I knew, however, was terrifying. He drank and did drugs. He also was very abusive towards my mother and I. The things I seen go on between him and my mother no child should ever see. The things he did to me, on the other hand, were far worse. Without going into too much detail, black and blue were colors I was very familiar with. When around outsiders, he was loving, which at that young confused me. I could not tell what was reality. I never knew who to trust. I had a very hard time with things such as making friends, understanding who to ask for help, controlling my emotions, and many other things. He also put me in situations with other adults that had no business being anywhere near me in the ways they were. This caused more issues. Like not understanding boundaries, allowing things to happen to me that were very bad, and other unspeakable things. To some it up, he was my dad, but in reality, he was my nightmare, day in and day out.
My mother is a gentle being. She worked very hard to make sure me and my brothers had everything we could ever need in life. Within that, she lacked in places that are very vital to a child. With everything she went through with my dad, she forgot what it was to be a mother. Or at least to me, anyway. My mom got pregnant with my twin brothers when I was two years old. Sadly, my dad was not happy about this and begged her to get an abortion. When they were born, one of them was ill and almost died. This sent my mother into a rage against my dad for ever wanting an abortion. So when things with my dad got worse, she made it her mission to protect them against anything bad that came from my dad. Sadly, this left me in the dark. I at the very young age of three years old had to learn to protect myself. She would clean up after every mess they made, always alert them if they did something my dad didn’t like, and to always take the fall if he was upset with them. This caused me and my mom to become very distant. I did not feel love and nurtured by her at all.
I just had my first child. He is the sweetest little guy in the world. I could not imagine him going through anything I did as a child. My biggest fear is becoming like my parents. I don’t worry about me becoming like my dad too much. Sadly, I have some of his mental problems, such as the bipolar disorder, depression, and major anxiety. I worry about these things because I could hurt my child with my words or my distance. However, I go to counseling and get treatment for these things, working really hard to ensure I am more than just my mental status. I also fear that overworking or becoming too focused elsewhere might create a distance between my child and me, similar to the distance I experienced with my mother. I don’t plan to do these things, but I am not perfect.
So, to my son, I promise to try. I promise to focus on everything that involves you. I promise to put you first, no matter the situation. I promise to use all I have inside me to ensure you never feel unloved or unprotected. Most importantly, I promise to make sure you never have to question yourself one day the way I’m questioning myself now. I will always make sure you understand what true love is and how to give it back to the word in your own ways. I know I will not always be a perfect mother, but I will do my very best to be the best that I can be because you, my child, hold my heart and soul in the palm of your hands.
Yours truly,
A very nervous momma.
(Style Score 83%)