When a human dies, the world stands still for a quiet moment and no one on earth can breathe. Then each individual except for you takes their next inhale and I realize that the world was never still at all.

People say that they would die for you, but do people ever say that they would live for you?
I would live for you; I will live the life that you never got to experience fully and I will take you with me.

The sorts of things that people live for; I will chase exhilaration as a hungry ghost praying for its bones and flesh.
I will collect my insides begging to love them. I will watch fireflies and wonder what they mean.

I will curse the day that you had to leave this blip of mine.
I will dance until I cry, then I will cry until I laugh. I will throw myself into the depths of an ice bath just to miss the heat.

I will find joy in the little things because it’s what you would have wanted. And I will stop smoking cigarettes out of spite. I will celebrate the person that you were and the people that you healed and forgive you for letting yourself be so out of reach.

Since you disappeared, I’ve seen you everywhere! At the sight of tea, the sound of a sad guitar, in the eyes of those who loved you.
Those who knew the gift of knowing you and wanted you so badly to stay.

When a human dies, the soul searches the universe for a body to be held; what I would do to feel your warm tears wet my goose-bumped shoulder and squeeze your hand saying that we’re not that different from each other instead of this.

When a human dies, their friends and blood carry their body across the fields of a lonesome cemetery and place flowers to keep them company.
And for some people the world keeps spinning. But for some of us, the world is just as still.

What is it that you seek?
What is it that you saw?
You should never listen to my wicked crystal ball.
What is it that you seek?
What is it that you saw?
You should never listen to my wicked Crystal Ball.
Have you seen the crystal ball?
Have you heard the souls scream trapped in her cloudy walls?
Everything you love gone before it even happens,
nothing left of your soul among the cold dark ashes.
They say fools wish to be free,
until they’re in a free fall…
Fools gamble time and the ball she takes it all
‘Cause the crystal is a cheat,
the crystal is a liar,
The crystal is a frozen world of ice and of fire. To live in a lie the price is the truth,
to be frozen in time the price is your youth. But you knew, it never tricked you,
You let it seduce you, left scars on your skin-as if it ever needed you.
Some always come crawling,
some may escape her call.
But you should never listen to my wicked Crystal Ball…
What is it that you seek?
What is it that you saw?
You should never listen to my wicked crystal ball…
You should never listen to my wicked crystal ball.

A young boy sits in a wooden chair
Gazing forward
A ball of crystal perched before him
Almost invisible
It warps and clouds what lay behind it
He knows there will be a price
But he must try
He wants to know,
He has to know.
He gazes into its prism chamber
And it tells.
When he lifts his head, his breath taken away
The awe of the secrets told to him
Fade
When he sees his reflection
He sees that he is no longer the same man
But old, so old.
The ball has told him what he wished to know
But he had to pay the price of time
He walks away, as many have before,
Feeling cheated
Feeling like it all went by so fast
If he could only have another chance
If he could only get that time back
But he can’t
Time is the only thing you have
And the only thing you can never have
It is yours, spent
And the crystal ball will steal your time
The crystal will steal your life.

When I woke up this morning
I didn’t know
What I would come home to.
Where did you go?
There wasn’t a warning
Now we’re all in mourning
Wond’ring if our time was well spent.

Oh brother dearly departed of mine
Why did you leave
Without saying good night?
I was sleeping soundly
When I woke up to a scream
That I swear was you saying goodbye.

As the time passes
We all start to heal.
Except for one brother
Who just couldn’t deal.
Several years later
All that reckless behavior
Just got him a grave next to yours.

Oh brothers dearly departed of mine
Why did you leave
Without saying good night?
I was sleeping soundly
When I woke up to a scream
That I swear was you saying goodbye.

Now there’s only one brother
Left standing with me.
I thought things were fine
Until he tried to leave.
In sharing this truth,
Though closer in youth,
I thought that our time was well spent

Oh brother nearly departed of mine,
Why would you leave
Without saying goodbye?
I thought that only you
Could understand what I’ve been through,
So at least it would be you
To say goodbye.

Author’s Note:
I debated whether or not I wanted to share this with the world. It’s been a part of me for 20 years. It’s one of the most vulnerable parts of me and putting that on the internet for the world to see is intimidating, even as someone who sees vulnerability as strength rather than weakness.

I wrote that second verse when I was 15 trying to make a song out of it, but more words never came no matter how hard I tried. As the inspiration came though me to write the rest this month, I realize now that I had more life to live before it could truly come to life. It needed to be on the back burner all this time to find the full depth of this feeling I will always carry with me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever try to turn this into a song like the original intent. Just writing that last verse, saying it all out loud, and writing this post have brought me to tears more than once. But it felt right to at least bring it to life as is because Jeremiah would be turning 40 tomorrow and that’s the kind of celebration you do big gestures for, right?

25 years without him, 9 years without Adam, 3 years since other things. This kind of healing doesn’t happen without scars. I am the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been in my life. These feelings still creep in now and again. It doesn’t make me any less happy and healthy, it’s just a small price tag to pay for the love I still carry.

My grandfather Dr.Leroy Pike taught me Many things and one was too NEVER GIVE UP, If I ever needed help with a project, he didn’t care he was there, and I ALWAYS WON, with his help,I was in highschool and my grandfather saw my classes I was taking for the following year and he KNEW I was better than that, so he went and challenged me and I was in highschool only 3 years, My senior semester, we got word he had Cancer, WOW, I remember hearing him cry and I knew Real Superheroes cried, he got to see me graduate Highschool and was at my wedding, but sadly 3 years later on that very day, he would pass away, ITS BEEN 16 years and there’s NOT A DAY goes by I don’t think of him.God knew I only needed 1 Grandfather and HE WAS and still is My Superhero

My shadow looked at me and said:

“Live.
I am gone and there is nothing you can do about that.

No matter how many tears you shed
lingering on pages bleeding in forbidden ink,
you cannot bring me back.

My time here is done and I have ascended
into the graceful arms of the great goddess above

but you…
you are still human,
so act like it.

allow yourself to feel the full spectrum of human emotions
without letting shame and guilt beat the humanity out of you.

you are allowed to be broken
you are allowed to be sad
you are allowed to be happy
you are allowed to feel it all.

you are allowed to be confused
and wonder why the same
patterns keep showing up in
a different hue
(until you’re ready to do something about it.)

You are human.

Abandon your fear of fear
and accept that abandonment
fucking sucks.
But please understand,
that I am so sorry for abandoning you.
it was the last thing I ever wanted
but you know that we are not the ones in control

Accept that more lies in between
the lines than your eyes can see
and that’s okay.

Chase after your dreams of being
a wanderlust,
and getting drunk on a flight
every time your soul attends its own funeral.
Because unlike me,
you are still human.
and you still have so much life to live.

I’ll always be with you.
I’ll always love you.
I’ll always be present in your poetry
cheering you on along the way.
patiently waiting for you
to wake up to everything I’ve
dreamed and set in place
for you to achieve for b o t h of us.

Our string may be invisible,
But it is still intact & attached to the cloud I float upon.
the one you only see in your dreams
where the moon is playing tricks
with the shadows.

Death is nothing but the entity needed to bring us closer.
so place, do not carry sorrow with my name.

Instead let genuine kindness
blossom in my likeness.
Show them that the whims
of performative niceness
are shallow because
kindness has no malice
or hidden intent
it exists because it is.

And I existed until I didn’t.

But guess what,
you still do!!!
So please
continue on
because
I love you.
and you deserve to be truly,
genuinely,
unapologetically
happy, too 🙂

Jae,
Two years came too soon and on this day, I choose to honor you.

I started as a Seed just as those did in the Field before me;
During my time in the Womb of THE GREAT MOTHER-our MOTHER,MOTHER EARTH-I’ve witnessed The Beauty of Spring;

The Field in Bloom with many shades of gold;
Soon I would be a part of The Ballet the Sunflowers did as they danced in The Breeze of The Spring;

And then I came along;
My Roots were well Grounded and yet I struggled to grow;
I thought it would be easy being a Sunflower, but Oh, did it require so much;
But I wanted to Dance, and so I Bloomed;
And I Bloomed;
And I Bloomed some more;
And I Bloomed some more until I finally reached The Sun, it’s Rays shimmering across my Petals;

Wrapped in its embrace, I smiled;
The Sun smiled back at me and said,”We’ve Danced many Dances, and we shall continue to Dance many more. Now, my love, its time that you return to The Fields for the remaining Seasons”;

I returned and continued to Dance during the Summer, my Petals still full of The Essence of Spring;

I began to lose some of my Petals and their golden hue during The Fall, but still I continued to Dance with The Essence of Spring in my heart;

Winter came and I saw less of The Sun;
It felt too cold to Dance, and yet I mustered the strength within me to bring Winter the Essence Of Spring;

With my brownish, withered body, I Danced until my Petals were no more;
I collapsed to the ground;
Mother caught me and said,”You’ve Danced beautifully My Child. Now, you must rest until The Next Spring”;

As I began to close my eyes, a Ray from The sun shone upon my Petals;
I looked to The Sky to see The Sun smiling at Me;
My last breath drawing near, I smiled back at The Sun and said,”I look forward to us Dancing again”

#loveyoudani

How do you comprehend the incomprehensible?

You were supposed to grow old with us… you weren’t supposed to go at 41. Your light shined too bright to fade out that quickly.

You accomplished so much in your four decades, but damn it, you had so much more to give…

The measure of someone’s life is not in the number of their heartbeats, but how many hearts they touched, and Dani, you touched them all!

Did you leave the world a better place?

Dani, you most certainly did!

You truly conquered life and every challenge it threw your way… you were as I had told you, a badass, a warrior, a fighter!

To paraphrase a famous poem, you did not go gentle into that good night. You raged against the dying of the light!

You were the person who other people admired and aspired to be like…

Your smile truly lit up the room and your laugh was contagious … people gravitated to you for that and your kind soul, which, even though you were a ginger, you definitely had, and it was beautiful! I will make sure your amazing soul lives on in everything I do.

You truly lived the Mrs. Crowther credo…

Be courageous
Care for others
A hero lives in you

With every heartbeat I’ve got left, I will make you proud, so that when we meet again and embrace, you will know that you were never forgotten.

Thank you for being you!

I love you Dani
I will always miss you
I will see you again

I had an addiction for 23 years, I have been clean for over 30 yrs minus my slips and falls that through me into the ring of addiction, because I let my guard down thinking that I was stronger than it, when actually the addiction was stronger than me. But such as life try and try again. I am clean and have been for many years. I allowed myself to lured back but the last time was the last time. I asked myself some questions and the most important was do you want to live or die, do I want to live a full life filled with endless possibilities or die not reaching my full potential. I choose life . I became to love self, and wouldn’t accept any old thing , I have been hopeless and helpless and I have done things that only me and God know about. I have come full circle I know my value . I graduated from college and wrote a book. I hope to be a recovery coach, where I help those who are still trapped be free and stare in the face of addiction and say I won and I am stronger than you. Now in my life there is so many things I want to do all for the glory of God not for fame or fortune all though these things have there place, that is not my motivation. I survived so that I may be a help to others.

I know you didn’t mean to,

I know you didn’t try.

It was just a stupid mistake,

You didn’t want to die…

You were doing so good,

We were so proud of you!

But good emotions, sometimes,

They’re overwhelming too.

Maybe I should’ve called,

Or answered that last text.

But I didn’t see this coming!

I didn’t know you were next!

I know it’s kinda late now,

And maybe weird to say…

But I love you so much,

And I’ll miss you every day.

This is so unfair,

No one knows how to feel.

I keep waiting to wake up,

Or hear that this isn’t real!

What do I tell the people,

When they ask me how you’ve been?

I suppose, I’ll tell the truth…

That addiction never ends.

I’ll tell them if they’re hurting,

They call always call on me.

I couldn’t be there for you…

But for them, maybe I could be.

Maybe I can help someone,

Maybe they will learn,

That drugs aren’t “the fun you can’t have”…

They’re the hell you don’t deserve.

Title: The Boy Named Rhett
Written By: Marli Wright

There is a boy, his name is Rhett, Heaven now his home,
He sings and dances on the clouds, before God’s throne.
He had to leave, reasons unknown, yet on earth his name we cry.
A love so strong, eternal, Rhett’s legacy will stay alive.
Children’s laughter is bright, like in Heaven’s skies,
Angels play and smile, as we remember them with sighs.
And every day, with tearful eyes, another angel friend comes to play,
Welcomed with open arms, may their journey be brightened each day.
In every moment, every breath we take,
Rhett’s spirit shines bright, guiding our way.
Though I held him only briefly, his love now lights my way.