“The two important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why”-Mark Twain.
Life’s numerical milestones have changed .
I view 46 as 30+ 16 rather than 50-4 Mathematically and philosophically.
46 was a nameless nobody . Turning 46 just meant a step closer to the golden years and nothing more than that.
But now , this previously insignificant number has a whole glamour quotient of its own. A modern day new kinda big deal .
Feeling “ 45+1” or “almost 46” does sorta have a grounding undertone to it. A settling sense of self assuredness.
Chances are at this juncture, you are where you shall be for the rest of your life..atleast in most aspects of your life.
So it’s best to acknowledge all of it , embrace it, celebrate the done-its and get over the have-nots.
My so-called big birthday beckons me in a few days. And I feel fine. In reality, I feel more than just fine.I feel feisty and fine. Each day bringing with it an epiphany of sorts. The realization that aging gracefully means learning to detach and step back . Ironically, learning the art of detachment is not a lesson in learning to let go.
It actually involves quite the opposite. It involves recognizing and holding on to all that is relevant and enriching. And no , age is not just a number. How we wish it was! It is way more layered than that.
Physically, the 45 year old body is not and organically should not be what it used to be . Aging naturally is the sign of a life well lived. Trying to reverse age, is trying to relive a life that wasn’t done right the first time.
Mentally, growing older is freeing. With my absolute abandon and unapologetic arrogance , I sense and honestly quite like the new me emerging-subtle silver streaks, sagginess, striations , self love et all! I feel old enough to recognize my mistakes but young enough to make some more!
So bring on my birthday baby, let the wisdom grow and show! On my face, on my cake!
My dear age-Add those candles with each passing year as you wish, but you can never blow out the fire that gets fiercer every minute within me!

(I was inspired to write this just now at 11:34pm 8/27/24)
In the past, society has deemed mental health as a crisis or a “stigma” and if women showed any form of mental health issues, we were sanctioned to an asylum to live out the rest of our days. Some men as well. But, in 2024, mental health is still frowned upon. “Oh, what, in your life is so bad?” “No one will believe you.” “Your depression is just you being lazy.” etc…I have had the immense pleasure of working in the mental health field off and on for a very long time and I fall in love more every time I go back. It is not wrong to ask for help with your mental health. Forget about what your friends and family will say. Forget about what social media and film and television say about it. Just do not think for one moment that you do not deserve to be here. And every time you think you will end it all, remember, I am here for you, as are hundreds of others and think to yourself: “just one more chapter.”

Loneliness slithers in
Like an unsuspecting snake
Coiled around my neck
Struggling to breathe
With nobody around
To save me
In a crowded room
I feel so alone
Everyone has someone
But no one has got me
Each night I come closer
To a planned death
Because loneliness kills
I don’t belong anywhere
I’m not needed nor wanted
So why even bother
I’ll drift away peacefully
Forgotten easily
And never remembered

Dear little me,

This is not even a dream that you know you have yet, but oh how I wish I could tell you how brave you are going to be one day! How you will burst out of the role you think you are meant to play. A lot has changed since we were small, but the goodness inside you was a part of it all.

In your twenties, on a seemingly random day and not in any way planned, you will get to come out to mom and dad. Notice I said, “get to,” because for awhile you will think that no one needs to know. Being honest with ourselves about it was such a fight in the first place. Then gradually we told a few safe people, dear friends and allies who embrace us fully as we were. And we feel so lucky. But there is still some fear in expressing it to others, including some family, so we steer clear.

But then, on a day that did not start of grand and then continued to feel like it was getting more out of hand.. when mom tries to ask you what is going on inside, you start to open up about some questions and doubts you’ve been hiding. Then all of the sudden, without any warning, you blurt out, “Oh and by the way, I’m not straight!” It was probably a bit jarring.

You wait for the questions and badgering to start, but instead they let you talk and they listen with fairly open hearts. After that, I’ll be frank, it is not sunshine and roses. Along the way to understanding there have been plenty of bumpy roads.

And I know what you are thinking, because I think it a lot: why did we get lucky when so many do not? I wish I had an answer to that query, but the truth is that sometimes the answers can be very elusive and maybe some answers do not exist. There is a lot we still do not know, but let me scratch something from the list.

I know I am not a mistake, and that I deserve acceptance and kindness. I believe that is universal, no matter what some may say in their blindness. And while I am still growing and changing and discovering myself, I am learning not to hide away on a dark, shaded shelf.

Hugs to you, little one.

This morning, I woke up and we were out of juice. Juice that was meant for my kids. Juice that I had to get from the Christian help center because I had no money and no other way to get my kids juice myself. I got it yesterday and this morning, it was gone. And my boys didn’t even get a glass. It’s been a daily struggle to ensure the kids stay fed and hydrated, and my pops drank all their juice without a shred of concern for them, his grandkids. I woke up and there was no juice. And this same day I yelled in my 5-year-old autistic nonverbal son’s face that I wanted to die. It’s the day I cry all day, randomly, and I can’t stop them. I don’t even remember the last time I cried, and cried like THIS.. Something has changed in me. I’m not sure what triggered it, where it came from, or why it happened, but all day I’ve felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. Making it harder to take breaths and it was so heavy that it was just squeezing out everything in my life that contributed to traumatizing me or hurting me to my core. And as I talked to Jehovah off and on, I kept having epiphanies for my life. I told Him I could handle it, I just wanted to be able to heal but how do I heal if I don’t face it? How do I face it if I can’t see it clearly?

I like to think I’m strong but I’m not. I’m just unfeeling. Empty. A void so deep I can’t see my way through it.

Yesterday I wanted to die. Today I’m thinking about life with me gone.

All my life I’ve been raised and conditioned to avoid emotion. And I was the golden child because I did it so well.

Maybe if I’m gone, they’ll start having a conversation. Maybe they’ll realize I was a person who was never really strong; just somebody who needed someone to stay. Someone who showed up for ME.

I feel like I don’t have a real place in THIS world. What am I passing to my kids but more of the same? A quiet, passive emotionless, existence all because I don’t know better how to teach them any different.

Don’t they deserve better than that?

I mean every person I have ever loved has turned away from me to something better, someone else. They must know I’m empty and have nothing to offer. I guess it’s caught up to me because now that’s all I see.

I can barely feed my kids, or buy a pack of diapers for my son. I yelled in his face that I wanted to die. He doesn’t know any better. He is the purest, most innocent being and I am ashamed of myself. He deserves so much more. So much better than me. They all do.

Ever wonder how different your life would be if just one person in your life wasn’t scared to love you; if just one person didn’t walk out?

Ever wonder why you couldn’t just be like everyone else who’s blind to the truth and didn’t have to walk around with your head hung in shame?

Ever wonder what really makes you special as a human being?

Who am I when I’m not a mother, a daughter, or a friend; what if when you answer that question you realize there’s nothing that defines you?

(I just want you all to know that I am not suicidal, and I am in therapy. These are just thoughts that I believe many people have but do not voice in fear of other’s judgments.)

I write this so others know you are not alone and I love you!

Clear the road- I am 16!!
Happy birthday, my sweet boy.
This is when I legally run out of excuses to get you that driver’s permit. This is when I nervously let go of your last little finger , only to grasp and firmly shake your hand in friendship🤝 This is when many transitions happen. This is when some of it makes sense to you but a lot more does not. This is when the world suddenly looks weirder, scarier, cooler, exciting, fun,crazy and different for you, all at the same time. Then is when we may agree to disagree on a lot. Remember, nobody has it all figured out entirely, neither have I, neither will you.
But I promise to try and understand..I promise to stay onboard, face the tides and ride the unending high and low waves of life side by side with you forever and ever and ever.
Love,
Amma

Behind the mask, no face to find,
A trick of mind, ‘neath sun that’s kind,
Yet rain pours down within the soul,
Where hidden truths take their toll.

“Get up, get on, you’ll be alright,”
The lies they tell ease the plight.
A crown once worn, now tipped and slanted.
Society’s stigma, harsh and untrue.

“Go out, be free,” they say, unaware,
That solitude’s chosen over despair.
In sorrow’s depth, alone you wallow,
While unseen, in code, for help you call.

Attention sought? Not even a hand to hold,
A listening ear, as your story’s told.
Over and over, being told “You’ll be okay,”
But will they listen, or just turn away?

Until the end, when all is read,
And in the paper, your name is led.
Will they see then, what they missed before,
Or just a picture, nothing more?

Healing can feel 2 paths
The one with all the rocks
And the one with the steps to the mountain
The flowers that bloom for every little accomplishment
Finding the things that work for me
The constant therapy appointments
The constant doing things alone
Finding the peace with the sun
The peace with the birds and the breeze
The walking up on another chance
Another day
Closer to where I want to be
Closer to the northern lights
Closer to the place where nature is the most beautiful
Where the leaves stop falling
Where your so at peace
That nothing or nobody takes that away from you again

Dear readers,
Living your dreams is something we are told to do as children but, the second we realize what our dreams are, they seem impossible to achieve. Nursing school is hard, 4 years of medical school, 4 years of residency, you graduate to be a teacher only to realize teaching is not all it’s cracked up to be. But, with the right support of your friends and family, your dreams are possible! You will become the neurosurgeon you’ve always wanted to be. You will be that special education teacher you’ve always dreamed about. My only advice I have is to Live Your Dreams and Never Give Up!!