Worry.
A tradition of the mind
that was not made for the soul.
A symptom of the lost
who forgot to come home.

A place where the mind runs free,
basking in the joy and abundance
Of the world around.
My little darling,
You do not have to be found.
For you are right where you need to be
in every moment
of every day
exactly where you are
letting your soul run free.

So do not worry.
For you will lose yourself
Running around each day
thinking how could this be?
When all along
All you had to do
Was put trust in your hand
and let life take the lead.

The coo of a dove,
gently wakes me from my slumber,
I dreamt of laying near a babbling brook,
accompanied by a good book,
hoping the right direction is hidden somewhere in these pages.
The morning light,
lightly lifted my eye lids
asking me:
“Hey, are u ready to start the day?”
A day where the only demands needing to be met,
are that of being a good father .
That sounds like so much fun!
We can build a fort,
we can go to the park and run.
Then I remember the problems
I tried to pin inbetween
prelude and the exodus,
they started to seep out of the page.
My son’s laughter met my anxiety outside and said
“not today!”
What it did allow-
was a welcoming thought,
for me to be a kid again.
Watching him live his life with so much joy,
Made me realize that
I needed to heal my inner boy.

The current cacophony
currently singing through water,
opened the valves of my heart so my younger self and my son can play together.

“A Dream by the River.”

The Sunlight was very jealous of our smiles,
The Breeze stopped for a second
to enjoy our laughter,
The Grass welcomed the
weight of our weightlesness,
It felt our heartbeat with every step,
then we layed down and became blades of grass ourselves.
My son safely nestled next to me and we dozed off…

DEAR UNSEALED,
My ‘comfy peace zone
Is being alone,
Or with a friend
At the beach
As to reach
Out my hand to touch the wave,
To breathe at air, catch the wave,
With my toes embedded in the sand
As I walk in the forever beach land
I breathe in the positive icons of the ocean,
as they are a magic potion
of supernatural omnipotence of life
the life
of humans and all living creatures as they crawl
and walk, sleep, produce and create,
call
out to me,
“Come out to me, Vicki Lawana!”
I regroup at the beach,
Of which
It is a quiet place for prayer, solitude and throwing out
Negative icons to the breeze,
To the wind, the universe of time and space.
This is the case
Of confessions to the sea
From many stories of love, heartache, tears, joy
And laughter of past present and future to be
I look out at the ocean blue.
Listen to the seagulls too.
Although other humans are here
I have created a tiny little sphere
Of the atmosphere
Of light around my space
I sigh a bit.
I remember my youth days,
the 2am night drives to Malibu
Parking my car feeling blue
A romance gone awry, adrift, and away,
As I step out my car
Into the parking lot
In my special spot
I sigh.
Cause now I say, “No worries!”
All thoughts of grief & heartache
Dissipate
Into the ocean blue
Throwing my cares to the waves, the salty air
Of time & space
Not a waste
But a taste of salt and minerals seeping
Through my toes radiating through my whole body
Creating a flow of the case
Of joy and time & space reality
Of no more grief
Cause I feel the ocean spray
On my face
On my body
As I sink my barefoot toes in the sand
Of this LA land.
This is still my ‘comfy zone,
As it my time alone
To pray, to say
I am okay.

Dear Future Self,

I know you feel like your life could not get any worse. The constant feeling like you are never good enough. It is hard to wonder if the next bearing you encounter will kill you. Your life goal has been and will be to remove yourself from this situation.
To be honest there will be a few times in your life that this happens to you. The best part is, after everything you have been through, it all makes you stronger. Through it all you have persevered and accomplished so much. Even as a young mother, you pushed yourself to ensure your boys had everything they needed and wanted.
You never stop learning. When this letter is written, you have already achieved two Masters degrees and published two books. Currently, your job is easy and you enjoy what you are doing. However, you never stop learning and continue with writing. Writing has become your life mission and career while continuing to work, sadly writing does not pay the bills.
You will never have to worry about your future. Throughout your life, you have acquired enough funds that if you do not want to work, you do not have to. The second book you sold has given you a few extra dollars to keep you going. While keeping your future open, you invested some of your money. This also gives you some funds to work with. You work because you have expensive hobbies and love to go Jeeping. This is a hobby that you spend the most amount of money on. Be very careful so you do not go too crazy.
I hope this information gives you peace, knowing you will be okay. Keep your head up and stay strong. Life has a way of turning tricks and you need to be careful you don’t trip. You are smart and well-educated. You can do anything you put your mind to. I wish you the best! Remember that I love you and to love yourself.

Warmest Regards,
Ashley Zuidema (Current Self)

Dearest sweet, young self,

Take a deep breath, relax, and trust.

Ease your mind about what’s to come.

I say that not because everything turns out fabulously, beautifully, better than you could have ever expected. Rather, I say it because worrying about your future is an exercise in utter futility. Whether you worry or you don’t won’t change a thing, other than how you experience your current life. My darling, please don’t rob yourself of your present.

I know that’s elusive advice to heed right now, so let me ask you this: why are you fretting about money when fretting about money makes you no money? Either do something to make yourself more money, or don’t. Why are you worried about being single when worrying about it makes you no less single, just more sad? Spinning your wheels of fright solves nothing.

Here’s a secret you’ll soon learn: a worry is nothing but poorly allocated creative energy. It’s pouring fresh, fragrant imaginative juices down a non-functional well. Every worry is a story. You, my darling, are a masterful storyteller.

Right now, you use your storytelling to paint bleak scenarios in your mind – with exquisite detail – about the potential pitfalls of your future. I’m here to tell you, you can use that creative energy to craft stories which inspire, uplift, and entertain – not stories which give you ulcers and anxiety.

All that time spent wondering if it will all turn out okay doesn’t actually make it turn out okay. Enjoying yourself and following your passion makes it all turn out okay. Spoiler alert: you won’t give up on yourself. Remember that little spark of imaginative passion that enthralled you as a child? It won’t go away. Rather, it will grow. You will feed it until the flame engulfs you, in the best way.

I would love to write you and say, “get excited, because all your dreams come true!”. In all sincerity, though, things will turn out…differently…than you imagine now. It’s not a bad thing. In fact, you will become the person you’ve always wanted to be. You will show up in the world in a way that will wow you. What’s more, you will learn to trust that this path is your correct path. Don’t try to write your future, darling, because a greater Author is already hard at work. What you can do is write your own experience of it. Life isn’t what happens to you, it’s your relationship to what happens to you. Choose your relationship to time, to your fears, to your past, to your career, to your hopes, wishes, and wants. Relate to your future as your ally, not some malefic, frightening unknown.

You’re going to learn lessons and grapple conundrums you never would have imagined, but you don’t even need to think about that now. Focus on what is. Savor every moment. Trust the future will arrive one way or another – because it will. Whether you love it or not is completely up to you*.

Love,
Your future self

*(FYI: you do!)

I invented a new season for life because I got tired of the winter spring summer fall pattern
My paisley doesn’t like to conform to the depression of polka dots only on the pocket square and not the entire outfit
Where’s the art in the plain white t?
I see the aesthetic, but I want the screaming art to argue with my calm voice
It’s the beauty in the pain that you can’t see until the scars have enough time to grow wings
I used to feel most at peace listening to music on my bed as a haunting sleep would close my eyes
I used to feel most at peace under the dim lights of cinema pumping hope into my veins where I had blood run free
I used to feel most at peace on the solidarity of solo ventures between the court and I
It would hum deathly echoes like lullaby’s to my heart
This trinity became my medical addiction as pride got in the way of God
Then over the years my coffee finally became cold, and I missed the warmth of summer
I could smell my own toxicity deeply rooted and swallowing my faith
So, I questioned myself through the tears, I marked the points of pain with my pen, and dug up the weeds I planted and reaped
This time I will sow truth within the uncomfortable moments
Because in this season until forever I’m most at peace on the grounds of the earthquake
Knowing that I can’t move forward unless I shake things up
Staying in a comfortable pattern only leads to a broken record repeating the line you hate to hear
You are meant to break records
p.s. peace is born in the growth of pain…

I’m currently 13 and the only thing that makes sense is sadness
So, to cope I like to hear melodies caress my ears because I’m too damaged to hug myself
Then I’ll let my pen tell stories of love and horror for the simple fact that I’m afraid to love myself away from depression
I get the impression that an early death is the only way to escape to peace
But I’m afraid so for the time being I’ll clean my room since I can’t find the energy to organize my life
I just found an extra cassette tape in my music collection next to the pile of CD’s and Records
Complementing the art hanging on the wall adjacent to my mood
I think to myself: curiosity let’s have a conversation where you tell me all the secrets Victoria victories made me hate
The tape starts with no words
The opening scene let’s nature sing before the score interrupts
Then some old guy starts speaking about life like he knows me, I’m in no mood for a lecture but I have time today
After all I was just thinking about ending it all, how could this hurt more
He says: There’s a wealth beyond financial peace within the things we blink past every 24 hours
Try not to take for granted the natural order of life around you
I know the stress will have you crying rivers on the inside that you never let water your cheeks
But you need to face your fears, or the dam will explode
You need to Yoga flex your way through the challenges less flexibility become a weakness
Not your strength; muscles are for show, but the morality of your core can lift you past anything if you water your flowers of dread
“Be like water my friend,” and if I’m being bru-tal-ly honest you lie to yourself too much
Fright has kept you in third place longer than you should have been
Unable to reach the heights you are meant for
Remember the natural order of things, but know a long list keeps your further from progress than small steps of truth
You’re 34 now and just entering your prime
The next decade will be the soundtrack to the whole of your life
The season from the age of 13-32 was just a small slice
My teenage brain begins to become bored and 34 is forever away
And right before I was about to stop the tape he said something that made me think, maybe he knows a little something:
“You are the most coveted rose”… you see I love the floral print of life
And this statement was the first time outside of my parents that I felt worthy
He then went on to say
You’re beautiful in full bloom but still walk like a sunflower with its head down
It’s ok to be a lazy daisy sometimes but remember the sun never stops smiling and the moon never stops dreaming
So, neither should you
Your tulip words are meant to be heard by the world
And one day they will, as sure as a daffodil
Will blow it’s horn of victory past everything that has held you back
Just keep fighting and I promise you will win
p.s. don’t be afraid to cry…

Dear Younger Me
Worried.
Worried about the future.
Who will I be?
Where will I go?
Will I be alone?
All these questions in my head fill my mind with dread.
If I could go back and know what I know now-
things would surely be different somehow.
Dear younger me, it’s going to be okay.
Enjoy your life and you will see along the way.
Just how awesome it will all turn out.
The joy and peace you experience will wash away the doubt.
Life will always be full of problems-of this I am sure.
Don’t let that hold you back for all that is in store.
You will overcome even when it feels like the end.
Your broken heart will one day mend.
You’ll discover what is truly important.
All the other things will fade.
What remains is love. So let that fill your heart, not hate. Not anger.
Not regret.
Not mistakes.
Dear younger me, it’s going to be okay.
I promise you.
Just take it day by day.

i wish i could tell you
the things you need to do
i wish i could show you
how to dance like we would

but you already know that
so there’s not much to say
just relax, be a diplomat
and maybe you will someday

Little ladybug.
You need not worry of the company
You try so hard to keep.
Leaves fall to the ground
Just to be grown again.
Little ladybug, don’t worry your pretty little head.
The sky doesn’t fall forever, you know.
Although your world is sometimes shaken
And sometimes to the core,
The sun and moon will still chase each other
As if it were the first time they met.
Little little ladybug,
You need not worry.
Perfection is only a mere illusion,
Projections of your elders past failings
Pushed onto you with only the
Purest intentions for you to succeed.
Little ladybug
Everything you learn is what you own,
Everything you earn is what you deserve
And you are deserving of so much.
No amount of good grades
Or instagram likes
Or parental approval
Will determine it or weigh it.
Because you being here makes you worthy enough.
Just you.
Little ladybug, you need not worry
Of fitting in.
Those who share your spots will always
Find you
And grow with you.
Little ladybug keep your head up
And keep flying.
If the sky’s the limit, the clouds are just a checkpoint
You have all the time to make it there,
And you will make it there
Little ladybug.

More times than not, caused by those around us.
We have no control over the currents,
We know not of the power waves hold.
Hold on, keep holding on.
In time you will learn,
We are our own life raft,
Our own savior.