FEAR
Fear: fast heart beats feasting feverishly
Every time fear ramps serotonin quickly,
Amply avid in avoiding pain, fastidious in
Remaining alive to tell the tale of FEAR.
FEAR

BREATHE …
Barely breathing, the brain astoundingly
Reveals its respiratory ease, by reviewing
Every fear, entering the data, waiting
Another moment for analysis, wading,
Through the morass of a lack of logic,
Hearing only haloed heartbeats, heaving.
Eternally aware of time flowing: BREATHE.
BREATHE ..

THINK …
Through and push through thinking
Halves my reasoning, homing only on survival
Instead of clarity of thought,
Never receiving the memo of
Knowing that ‘fight or flight’ is all in a knot. THINK.
THINK …

ACT …
Actively, arduously permitting action that
Covers slippery seconds of being frozen, while
Time reveals your success, failure, and your missing fervor.
ACT …

©️Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

Dear Fear,

I am writing this letter to say goodbye. Before we part ways, there are some things I want to say. First, you’ve had control of my life for far too long. Fear, you and your associates plagued me so many times till I thought I was losing my mind. Fear of failure deterred me from going for so many of my dreams. I achieved many things, but I wanted to do much more. Fear of failure made me become my worst enemy, as I gave up instead of giving myself a chance. I accepted defeat prematurely before taking any actions or putting in minimum effort.

Projected upon me was also a fear of rejection that made me question my very worth. So many times, I chased after people and things that were no good for my peace. So many times, I felt as if I wasn’t good enough. The reflection in the mirror was hazy, as so many times, I hardly recognized who I was, constantly trying to conform to be accepted by others. Fear of rejection made me forgo values and standards that I had set for myself, settling for the bare minimum. I wish I could tell you about all the anxiety and insecurities that I experienced, but I am sure that you already know. For so long, I felt crippled by my overthinking because of fears.

Fear, while you’ve shaped much of my life, I won’t blame you entirely. I allowed you to take control of my thoughts and emotions, but not anymore. Your associates, such as fear of failure, are no longer welcome, for I have gained a brand new confidence. I am no longer worried about the things I haven’t accomplished, but grateful for those that I have accomplished. I am now pursuing those goals that I was once afraid to go for. If I succeed or not is not a concern, for sometimes, one must step out on faith. Fear of rejection no longer has power, for I have and am learning to love me, accepting and embracing the person I am, flaws and all. I know my worth and no one will ever make me question it again.

I can no longer allow you or your associates to take up anymore space. You cannot share space with my faith. So, fear, it is time to cut our ties to each other. I don’t know what the future holds, but I am not fearful. For the sake of my inner peace and happiness, I bid you goodbye as I fully embrace joy and gratitude.

Sincerely,

(100% Style Score)

I’m the star child, isn’t that wild? The one who got good grades and was always praised. “It must feel so nice always feeling suffice”, people always say, but they never see my dismay. My brother and sister messed up, but not me, I’m the star child. The child who never messes up and keeps her chin tucked , the child that they tell their friends about whenever they need an ego boost or just another illusion to be produced. Because they made me this way, right? They made me the star child I didn’t ask to be and now it grabs a hold of me. Every step I take is calculated and planned I can’t even pee without raising my hand. Stuck In the shackles of their depiction of me while I scream and shout to be let out. But what if I told them I wasn’t a star, that I sit alone at bars wondering if I’ll ever actually be seen outside of the reality they painted me. The dead reality of who I am can’t seem to be let out, because of the fear I’ll shatter their dreams of who they thought I’d be, but how is that fair to me? Maybe I am a star. Stars are just dead, bright lights we see at a distance, anyway. To them, that light shines so bright, even in the darkest of nights.

Style score 100%

Dear Death,
I hate you. I hate that you took my birth mother away from me. I hate that you stole her and snatched my oldest sister from me … my birth dad too. I was only a child, left alone in this world to figure out life without the people who had given me mine.
Did you have an obsession with me? You must have, right? I was only three when I first heard about you. I remember my parents rushing to the house across the street because you had come early in the morning to take an aunt I would soon forget. You continued to rear your elusive head every now and then, taking away uncles, aunts, cousins, friends. You are cruel. You never allowed me to see you inhabit these bodies; I only heard that you came, and then they were gone.
The first time I saw you inhabit a being was through an animal. A horse. My favorite animal. There had been an accident—a carriage flipped into a canal. I don’t remember what happened to the driver, but I remember the large animal lying sideways, bloodied, a pile of lifeless meat. I don’t know how old I was—maybe five—but I saw you then, didn’t I?
I wish you had faced me when you took my mom and sister. But no, you came in the form of an announcement. Miles away, you robbed me of a goodbye, stripped me of their comfort. Did you think about the impact? The trajectory you would set my life on? Let me tell you.
In a world where one finds safety in community, you taught me not to depend on one. You taught me to shrink myself, to become quieter, to avoid taking up space. You taught me how not to be a burden. With my mother gone and thrust upon extended family, I was a burden. You made me agreeable—a child quick to appease. A motherless child. You made me fiercely independent, someone who knows they have nobody. Thanks for that.
Dear Death, I am no longer a child. You know that. And though you took everything I had, Life has given me more! The husband of my dreams, and children of my own.
And yet, the problem with having so much love is that now I have so much to lose. So much love to lose.
I can’t lose them too! You can’t take them from me. The girl you taught not to need a soul by taking away the family she was born into now needs the family she has created. I foolishly yet bravely forgot the lesson you taught me at six years old. Dear Death, we understand each other. You know I’m scared, and I know you don’t care. Even so, I’m pleading with you.
Please let me love them. Please let me see old age in a way my mother never did. Allow my husband to fall in love with my wrinkles, to feel his fingers run through my gray hair. Allow me to witness the evolution of his shoulders—shoulders that will hunch in old age, burdened by the weight of a life well lived. Please, let my kids have their mom. Let me see them take flight, fall in love, live their dreams, and discover their purpose. Let me see them grow up. Let me see my grandchildren. Let us have each other. Please.
Dear Death, for you to win, my family doesn’t need to lose. You have won my respect. I revere you. I fear you. And to show you how much I fear you, I am going to do something bold. I am going to live! I am going to love deeply. I am going to laugh as much as I can. I am going to live out loud and reclaim the girl you scared away 30 years ago.
You have power. And so do I.
Dear Death, I invite you to watch me live.
Until we meet again.

Style Score: 81%

God’s words fell down on me like rain.
Darling, your despair is not in vain.
I know that rape and abuse shattered your world.
But you’ll use that pain to heal women and girls.
Open your mouth, share your truth.
The world needs to hear what I planted inside you.
A closed mouth doesn’t get fed.
Tell them what God said.
I chose YOU to carry that weight.
Women who cross your path won’t endure the same.
I put two little girls in your womb;
they’re going to continue spreading seeds when they bloom.
Before you were born, these words were spoken.
Morgan. You were chosen.
It may feel like just pain on the surface.
However, pay pain attention, it will lead you to your purpose.
That pain is your compass.
How can you heal anyone, if you haven’t first healed yourself?
To heal is your mission and then share that wealth.
Don’t be anxious and have no fear.
You were created in my image and neither lives here!
You are my prophet.
As you go into the world to do what you’ve been told to do, my favor is extended to you.
Remember, if I favor you, the devil favors you too.
Now, If you’ve been obedient you’re on stage standing.
So help those in need gain understanding.
To anyone who has suffered abuse,
These words are from God to you.
Beloved, you are beautiful-from within.
The cracks in your heart are so I can shine my light in.
Inhale. Until air fills your insides.
Exhale. All the pain that filled your insides.
Extend yourself some grace. I will reprove King’s for your sake.
That assault was not your fault.
So remove your heart from the vault.
Hold your head high without a second thought.
Exalt.
Morgan, now back to you.
Standing on stage and speaking your truth.
I know you have fear, but you did it scared.
Real righteous and rare.
Continue to spread.
Tell them what God said.

Style score: 100%

Dear Forgiveness,
You keep lingering around when I think about all the hurt I’ve experienced from others. Your constant need for acknowledgement causes uneasiness inside me. My chest gets tight, my heart feels heavy, and my eyes fight back tears. What is the purpose of you continuing to torture me? I have already given my most vulnerable parts to these people, and here you are asking me to pardon them for their actions against me. It is best to ignore what they have done and move on from it. What good comes from hashing out these painful events? Why do you want me to relive those moments? I have shed enough tears for these people, and I refuse to give anymore. I cannot and will not allow you to have power over me. Forgiving them and their actions is letting them off the hook, and that is far from fair. If I open my heart to you, I risk being hurt once more, and everyone will assume it wasn’t a big deal since I moved on and forgive so easily. They would be mistaken, because this weight I carry is sometimes more than I can bear. I’ve thought to myself time and time again, if accepting you will finally set me free and allow me to drop this load. I know fearing you is part of the process, but I do not think it is fair for those that have hurt me to continue on with no consequences.
 
One day, I will allow you to help me through all of this. I will accept and understand that I need to set boundaries for everyone in my life, not just the ones who hurt me, to minimize the chances of me being hurt by someone’s harmful behaviors and choices again. To heal, I must love myself enough to recognize you’re for me, not my abusers. You don’t excuse the hurtful things people do, but you help free me from carrying the weight of resentment. I may not accept you now, but I will be once I find the support and guidance needed to navigate through such a complex concept you are. I cannot allow my fear of you to win. My bravery and strength will help me fight through this fear and the pain it causes. I refuse to continue to be a victim to my trauma and the people that helped cause it. I deserve to be happy, sane, and confident once again. To heal completely, I must fight my fear of you and claim victory. I realize my fear is based on possibilities, not realities. Thank you, forgiveness, for pestering for so long and pushing me to start this journey. It’s just you and me now.
(100% Style score)

Dear loop repeating in my head,

You’re wrong. Not everyone hates me and wants me out of their lives. Not everyone thinks I’m a waste of space; some people love me. They do. Not everyone is here to hurt me or abandon me. You don’t know that; you just like to make me live in fear so that I keep you alive.
I don’t even know when I met you and you first started your track. When was that, anyway? At least a couple of decades ago, now that I’m 30. That’s a long time to be bothering someone, you know. That’s longer than the entire lifespan of a dwarf apple tree. Trees have lived and died and you’ve still been here torturing me for no good reason. I’m ridding myself of you for good this time.
You came to me when I was young and weak; you preyed on an innocent child and planted your roots so deep. I wish you were like that of the apple tree and just die off on your own, but I’ve learned you’re not leaving so easily. Too bad for you, I am so much stronger now than when we first met. You’ve seen me grow, I’ve watched you tremble, worrying if you were going to lose out on me. You wear a smug grin I’d imagine because all of those times before, somehow, you had risen victorious. That’s ending now, though. I have equipped myself with the armor of knowledge that is only going to grow stronger, a thicker skin so to speak that you can’t break through.
I’m learning of your origins, why you exist, and what probably manifested you because, let’s be honest, you’re just a nobody. You don’t exist but in my head. Let that sink in. By learning where you came from and why, I get to rewrite what I thought my “destiny” was — you know what that consists of. Here’s to erasing every bad thing you ever whispered to me when I walked into a room and heard people talking, to breaking down the walls you made me build before I even knew what I was doing. I will burn down your home in my mind until you are nothing but fictional dust and ashes with nowhere left to hide.
I am already beginning to build an army of allies, people I’ve let closer to me. They’re restoring something in me that I thought was long gone between friends: trust. I feel safe in their presence and free to be me. That same girl you always told wasn’t good enough, so no one would love her. Guess what, too? They said that they loved me. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t even know how to react at first to someone saying that from a role that wasn’t expected of them. They are choosing to love me and my friendship. Scared yet? You should be.
Let’s not forget my two amazing children and how they fill me with unfathomable and endless joy. Let’s view them as my helmets, as they are vital for my survival. You know them; you like to watch our daily interactions and pop up in my head at *just* the right time to tell me how I’ve messed up myself so I’ll surely mess them up, too. Or how maybe when they grow up, they won’t love me, either. When I think with as clear a mind as possible, though, removing your words from the equation, I realize how you couldn’t be more wrong. They love me; I see it all over their eyes, in the laughs that echo from their bellies and their endless desires for snuggles. Your days spent leeching off of me are through.
You seem to think that there’s still some hope left because there isn’t a weapon present here. Yet again, you’re wrong. Knowledge, peace, acceptance, faith, and love—love being the strongest—fill the sword that will plunge you into eternal death. Just a heads up, that weapon is me. Gone with you and the wreckage you made, the home you built, and the name you gave me: worthless.
Too bad for both of us, it didn’t happen sooner, but mostly too bad for you because you never really stood a chance.

I was always too strong of a competitor for you.

Good riddance.

PWA Style Score: 82%

What I’m most afraid of is to finally step into my L(I)GHT and feel at a loss. The thought of living by/through SO(U)L only to be without the things I visualized making it through with me-without the people I imagined being a part of my life and a part of the process of my becoming. Sometimes the thought of having no control of the variables other than yourself throughout the transformation is enough to keep you where you are, the place you desire to leave most. Numerous times there have been where I desired for SO(U)L to take over, the ego being the great decider of whether or not to fly from the nest to experience the great beyond, or to remain in the nest, protected by a false sense of security, left only to imagine what could’ve been. What would’ve been. I know what it is that I truly desire-contentment in my life, peace, happiness. It’s what we all truly want, I should say. That contentment, that peace, that happiness, is beyond achievable, but only if a place is provided for its existence. Throughout 2024 I thought I had it all figured out: “Do me, and I can’t lose.” But that’s not what I experienced when I began to consciously act through SO(U)L. I experienced the cost of my “freedom”-criticism from the one I loved and respected most. It was the deepest feeling of disappointment I’ve ever known besides that of the lies encountered from the adults in my life as a kid. My eyes, my heart, want only to see all around me being elevated and living life in its fullest and truest expression, but I’m met with criticism when I decide to do the very same thing for myself. I’ve stumbled, and stumbled, and stumbled, my knees craving freedom from the weighted burdens of others in which I’ve placed upon my shoulders. After falling so many times, I rise once more, brushing the debris off my bodice and, rather than throwing in the towel, I advance forward. Once having the idea that L(I)FE’S marathon could only be won at a full sprint, I finally decided to shift to a lower gear, continuously advancing forward step-by-step. Step-by-step I continue to inch closer to the L(I)GHT. The comfort I once knew attempts to call me back, threatening me of what it is to be lost in attempting to obtain the sun; comfort is on my list of blocked contacts. IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME. I gotta’ move on because if I stay with you, I lose; I gotta’ go because if I don’t, I reject L(I)FE ITSELF; I gotta go because if I don’t, I won’t ever truly be satisfied with this EX(I)STENCE. So fear, you don’t ever have to leave me, you don’t have to go-allow me to do that for you. If I happen to disappoint you by making myself proud, so be it.

Dear Fear,
You are the shadow born from my past, the echo of words and actions that were never mine to carry. You came to life when others hurt me, judged me, or silenced me. I learned to hide because it felt like the only way to survive.
I sacrificed pieces of myself to keep the peace, to avoid rejection, to make myself smaller in the hopes I wouldn’t be noticed—or hurt again. Every day, I buried my voice because speaking up often led to pain. I wore masks to be what others demanded, even when it meant losing the “me” that lived underneath.
There were times I let myself believe that their words, their actions, and their judgments defined me. I accepted blame for their cruelty, shame for their failures, and silence for their comfort. To survive, I built walls around my heart and turned away from my reflection.
But surviving like that came at a cost. I abandoned dreams that felt too big for someone as “damaged” as I thought I was. I let fear convince me I didn’t deserve joy, love, or success. The weight of hiding and sacrificing myself became unbearable, and the person I could have been slipped further and further away.
Now, I see that I wasn’t broken; I was protecting myself the only way I knew how. You, my fear, were my shield. You helped me endure, but your protection came at a price I can no longer afford to pay.
So, here’s how I will face you: I will reclaim myself piece by piece. I will confront the voices that told me I was unworthy and replace them with my voice—one that speaks of love, compassion, and strength. I will let the pain from the past remind me not of who I am, but of how far I’ve come.
I will face the abuse, the neglect, and the pain that scarred me and know that while it shaped parts of me, it is not who I am. I am not defined by the years I spent hiding. I am defined by the courage it takes to stand here now, to pull back the curtain, and to look at myself fully for the first time.
I will overcome you by acknowledging that I am more than what happened to me. My worth is not tied to the cruelty I endured or the lies I believed to survive. I am learning to see myself fully, not just through the lens of fear, but with the clarity of someone who knows their own value.
You won’t win because you are no longer my guide. I will write my story from here—one where I embrace all that I am, where I live boldly, and where I finally take back the life I was always meant to have.
Sincerely,
Jessica Weitgenant

Style Score – 86%

To My Greatest Fear:

I think it may shock people to find out that you are my greatest fear. From the outside, no one even notices; masking is probably my best hidden talent, if I’m honest.

I’ll give you this: you’re not a conventional fear for most people, especially those around my age. At this point in our lives, most millennials are afraid of: career stagnation, falling behind their peers who may seem to have their lives together (i.e.: owning a house, being married with kids, etc), heights, snakes, the usual.

But not mine.

I didn’t use to be afraid of you; I actually used to know you. I want to say that you and I were something along the lines of best friends when I was a child, but I can’t remember.

And I can’t remember when you left me, either.

Or maybe I left you. Who knows?

Regardless, it’s been so long that I’m not sure whether to call you a friend or an acquaintance anymore.

Because it has been so long.

I’ve pretty much forgotten the way you made me feel. Sometimes, though, I think I may feel the ghost of you, which then catches me so off-guard that I immediately shut you down. I don’t know how to accept or respond to you during these fleeting moments.

Or maybe I don’t want to because I know you’ll leave and I’ll be left without you again, wondering if or when you’ll ever come back.

And if you do come back, will you actually stay for a much longer period? A week, a month…a year even?

Maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

Recently, I was at a point in my life where it felt like things were going well for the first time in ages and I was more scared than ever of this feeling. More scared of you.

It turns out that it was for good reason: tragedy struck my family in a way that no one was expecting. This is not the first for us, but it was still as impactful as if it was.

I know what it’s like to suddenly have your entire world shattered in the blink of an eye; my world did a few years ago, and it was just a few months ago that I was able to start picking up the pieces.

Now it’s like a big gust of wind came and blew them all away again.

I also know what it’s like to completely lose sight of your former self, because you didn’t know yourself then: your interests, your hobbies, and your goals. I didn’t know or really have any of them.

Today I still don’t know any of them. I realized it when someone recently asked me, “What do you want to do?”

You know what my response was?

“I have no idea.”

You’d think that those four words would be a terrifying thought at my age, this age where we should have a clear direction of where we want our lives to go, but they’re not. I’ve finally learned that life doesn’t end when you age out of your 20s; life actually starts in your 30s. And I’m finally starting to figure out who I am.

I believe this journey will lead to you, Happiness, because I’ll be doing what I want to do: living for me instead of others for once.

But I’m absolutely terrified to do it.

Because I’ve never done it before and it requires change and a different kind of strength that I think is within me, but I don’t know for sure because I’ve never tested it.

How do you make a leap like that without a sure landing?

Happiness, if you remember me, you’ll remember that I need to know ALL of the details before committing to something. I’m not a spontaneous person; I’m not a “oh, let’s just try this right now” kind of person.

I promise that I’ve been working on it though: my motto this year is “I’ll find out when I get there”. I’m working on myself and taking part in activities that I think will lead to our paths crossing again.

Happiness, I know that it takes work to really know you and I’m willing to put in the effort. I know you don’t just show up out of the blue; that’s not your style.

Know that I haven’t given up on finding you again. I can only hope that you haven’t given up on me and are willing to meet me halfway as well.

Your friend (hopefully),
Me

50% Style Score

Dear Fear,

I’ve gotta be honest, I am so exhausted of fighting with you. Every single time I make a move to chase down a dream or let myself be vulnerable, you find a window to the very room I tried to lock you out of. You make me question if I locked the door at all or if I opened it and welcomed you in. I don’t want to treat you like a villain, because I know in a way you’re trying to protect me. Sitting in my nervous system waiting to run to my aid so I don’t get hurt….but you have to know this isn’t healthy anymore.

I stepped away from you when I let myself pursue acting without the dreadful question of “Is this the right thing for me?” and that alone took a year and a half of codependence on you. I drew a line in the sand and allowed myself the peace of mind to know I could start over, enjoy myself and the life I wanted.

I stepped away when I took the risk of flying to a new city by myself for the sake of seeing a new place. You had a vice on me unlike anything I’d ever felt when you reappeared as a hurricane. A disaster of an external circumstance I had no control over and no idea how to handle but I took back my power when I realized that sometimes it’s okay to be scared.

That’s the thing with you fear, you show up in a way where I end up hating myself because you exist in the depths of my brain. You make me wonder if I’ll be safe in a massive storm. If I’d be judged, hated, or seen differently somehow, were I to be seen by an audience rather than a character in the background? If boyfriends or clients would take me less seriously because I’m friendly and funny. Asking myself “What if (enter self-doubt here)?”

You already know this because relationships take two to tango, but we are toxic. You have had me terrified and shaking to the point of breaking because you want me safe….and all I’d ever known before you…was safe. I know you have moments where you mean well. It’s the way you exist, to keep me out of harm’s way-but you and I both know we can’t keep this up anymore. If I have to take a risk, then so be it and maybe a little part of you stays because risks are uncomfortable, but I’ve had no choice but to let myself get comfortable in the uncomfortable.

I don’t want you around to make me overthink, over-analyze, over-explain. That isn’t your purpose anymore, fear. If you have to show up because I am in real danger, fine, but no more. If I can get to where I am now because I took risks, then it’s time for you to know that I don’t need you to take over when I step towards the new ones.

I’m letting go of the chain now fear, you’re free to go….and so am I.

Style Score: 100%

Fear, you don’t belong here!

Since I was young, fear tried to come and visit me.

Whether it was being afraid of the dark…

Afraid of getting hurt by something I couldn’t see.

Or worried that once again I would feel rejected by those closest to my heart.

As I got older, I found ways to hide my fears.

Believing I was handling them on my own.

Pretending it was gone until suddenly it reappears.

What I thought I could handle, is now fully shown.

I thought I had it under control.

Truth is, it was the other way around.

By not truly facing them and letting go…

It caused me to remain bound.

What I needed to do was surrender my fears to God.

Allow him to have control.

To realize that in order to be free, I must let go of the facade.

To take back the peace that the enemy stole.

What facade am I talking about?

It’s when you pretend to be free instead of facing it head-on.

It’s time to remove the mask, stop walking around in doubt.

God says you are free and not bound, his word you must stand upon.

In order to be free from fear, you must trust God completely.

Embrace God’s truth about you.

When God created you, he created you uniquely.

When you accepted Jesus, he made you brand new.

You no longer have to fear what people think of you.

You are fully loved.

God knows all you have been through.

He still says, my child, you are my beloved.

So take your stand this day.

No longer allow lies of the enemy to consume you.

Jesus has made a way.

Your freedom you can walk into.

So no matter what the fear..

Know that God will give you peace.

It is your job to take authority and say fear you don’t belong here!

And the lies of the enemy must cease!

ProWritingAid Style score 81%

Dear Fear,

You don’t win. You can not win. You tried to make me feel small. You tried to make me feel unimportant. I feel like the default, but you lied! Fear you tried to control my life and defeat me. I feel like the last, the go to,the one to settle for .
I feel like the one you have when it is now or never. I feel like the default is what I am, but I realize that is not true, I can not let that happen. Fear, you don’t win! You have talked to me, too much and too long. I am tired of listening to you. You are a liar and have no power. Fear, I face you straight on with God holding my hand. I am strong because you fought me so hard, you helped build my muscles. You “DON’T WIN”!!!

With (my) Strongest Goodbyes,

God’s Child.

Fear, old friend,

I have known you better than any lover, better than any hope or possibility. You have held my hand every time I’ve turned away from what I should have done. You’ve stood boldly at my side as I hesitated to do what I knew I had the ability to do.
You must be my lover, for your advice has kept me at a safe distance from the women I’ve tried to love. I know your songs, your jests, your laughter. I notice myself being held in your arms every time I say, “I can’t.”
You have much perseverance and confidence, always aching to step forward and take center stage. You have always been the voice I have listened to when I doubt myself and others.
Certainly, you must be a part of God, for I see you in the eyes of men everywhere—do you for them what you do for me?
Fear, you’ve helped me make decisions which I have lived to regret, but don’t worry, I will still take your advice, and so will others.
So here’s to you, old friend, for after all, where would I be without you?

INSIGHT: If you seek to overcome your fear, then focus more on where you seek to go–and listen not–to the voice that’s telling you it’s ok to be where you are.

Eric Sander Kingston
wishonwisdom.com

Dear forgetfulness,

I would say I’m a very sentimental person. I’ve tried squeezing the goodness from every moment. I morph into a sponge, soaking up each bit and particle of every lasting minute. I let the sweetness of the presence simmer on my tongue. I bask in the luxury of the present until it’s gone and turns into a memory. Inside jokes, casual conversations, and simple smiles are likely forgotten by others, but they are things I preserve.

My life hasn’t always been worth savoring, and sometimes as I live in the present, I try to fast forward through time. Reliving the fond memories I’ve made gets me through the hard times.

Life moves in the motion of frequency waves; sometimes I hit the trough. I reminisce on the times I had, clinging onto them with the entirety of my willpower. I fantasize about the past, begging the universe to make my memories tangible and allow my existence in them once again. To meet with that person once again. Relive that happiness. Feel as powerful as I once was.

To forget every memory I have is my greatest fear.

Humans aren’t born the person they are today, or at least that’s my opinion. Yes, you may be born with a personality, or your brain’s wiring may be predetermined at birth. But the experiences an individual has and the memories they create also mold them into the sculpture of their being. As humans experience life, they attach a fragment of every experience onto themselves and create a shell around them that other humans see and interact with. Is the shell who I am, or is it concealing my true being? I think that both apply to me, although I might be wrong. But I know one thing, it’s that the shell is a collection of experiences I have undergone, the good and the ugly.

Perhaps this is why I am fearful of forgetting– who would I be without my memories? How could I seek comfort if I had nothing to look back on?

Total amnesia terrifies me. I see it all the time in movies, when the main character wakes up from a coma and doesn’t know the first thing about themselves. It frightens me to one day wake up and to forget all the people I’ve met, all the things I’ve done and accomplished. Although this scenario isn’t realistic or likely, it is possible and the “what-if” of it all haunts me, because I cherish memories the same way I cherished my teddy bear when I was a child. I hold on to them and I hope I never outgrow them.

What brings me comfort is knowing that even if I forget my memories, I will still be remembered by others. I have to learn to accept that I cannot control forgetting, but if I forget an experience, it will still live in the mind of someone else. And maybe, hopefully, that person holds onto the memory as tightly as I do.

Chloe S.

Style Score: 87%

Hey Rach,

“What scares you the most?”

I would rattle off answers as quickly as I could think of them: spiders, being buried alive, small spaces and not being able to touch the bottom if I’m in the ocean. I would list all the normal things because I wasn’t ever ready for the deeper conversation about the time I realized I was truly afraid of death, of dying alone, dying by my own hands. The type of fear where you freeze and can’t make a sound, thinking about the unknown and what comes after. The possibility of absolutely nothing, and the uncertainty in everything we do; could this be the last thing we ever do?

I had a moment of peace, where I took what felt like the first deep breath I’d taken in months. I closed my eyes and felt the grass beneath my hands. In a split second, the thing that scared me the most was knowing I had to face my fears. To be brutally honest. Honesty where it might actually have been easier to tear my own heart out of my chest with nothing but my bare hands and my fingernails that were bitten down to nothing.

The things I had to say: “I don’t want to die like this,” and “Please just fix me,” and of course, the hardest one being “I know I need help.”

Sit still, and breathe deeply. Let your anxiety travel from your brain to your shoulders, down your arms and out through your fingertips. Focus on breathing and simply just existing. Take a minute and don’t think about the things that brought you here. Just inhale and exhale and don’t think about how your name could be the next one spoken: “Tell us why you’re here.”

How I ended up where I am is a long, chaotic story that I would tell out of order and apologize repeatedly for talking too fast, but I would remember all the tiny details. Every single choice I made brought me to the next place that I was meant for; on and on until there was only one option that made sense. I don’t have regrets, because I know I was meant to survive. To face the feelings that I kept stuffing down into the deepest part of my soul, hoping they wouldn’t ever resurface.

“I’m here because I was too afraid not to be. I needed to see what comes next. I am worlds stronger than my worst fears; they won’t ever win.”

(Style score 84%)