Romance has finally blossomed.

I have spent my life admiring from afar and yearning. Watching people fall in and out of love, wondering when it would be my time to meet my person.

She was there the whole time. I just had to say something.

For a while, I felt hopeless, like I was trapped in a state of singularity. With failed attempts at relationships, the constant questioning of sexuality, and fear of heartbreak, experiencing love seemed like an impossible reality. A reality I had fantasized, something so glamorous it was unattainable.

Yet, she happened, and it made a lifetime of a wait worth it.

After months spent longing, dreaming, and wishing that she would reciprocate my feelings, when it happened, it felt impossible to digest. Overwhelming feelings of affection and disbelief seemed to wash over me. I could not comprehend how such a beautiful being would see me through the lens of attraction.

With shy glances at each other, gentle touches, and exchanged laughs, I have never known feelings like this before. When I think my heart has swelled to capacity, she makes it grow impossibly bigger.

We talk until the clock passes midnight, savoring each moment that we have with each other. I am grateful for the universe for allowing our paths to cross. The chances of us meeting were slim, and the chances of us reigniting were slimmer.

The little things swoon me. Reaching out to hold my hand. Gently kissing on my shoulders. Her small hands running through my hair. Every moment I’m with her feels like bliss. What I am saying is strong, but it is true. I feel so strongly about her.

Words cannot describe what it’s like being around her. All the time in the world would still not be enough for me to be with her. I have never craved someone’s presence so strongly. I want to crawl into her skin.

I used to fear accepting love, because I was so afraid of loss. But, her love I cannot decline. I give in to her and give into my infatuations. Because I cannot stop myself from falling for her.

It baffles me how often people fall in love. How can so many people experience feelings this strong? This feeling is so unique, so unlike anything that has happened to me before. Feelings so hypnotic, consuming, and wonderful. I want to ride the adrenaline forever.

The seed of romance has been buried, and finally watered. From the dirt grows a rose. A product of my affection for her.

Style Score: 77

Ocean,

I used to hate you, but now I love you.

I thought you were too messy when I met you. Your grains of sand would stick to my clothes, find their way to my hair, and slip into the cracks of my shoes’ soles. Whenever we would part ways, there would still be little reminders of you on me. God, it was annoying. It was like I couldn’t shake your existence.

You were so salty. When I took a dip in your cold water, I would taste it in my mouth. You soured my breath, and I felt dirty around you. Your seaweed would wrap around my legs, as if begging for me to stay in the water. I found that rather clingy. For a while, I refused to touch you, Ocean.

It was so infuriating how everybody loved you, like you could do no wrong. People called you beautiful and peaceful, compliments pouring out of their mouths like waterfalls. They would take pictures of you. Paint pictures, even. They would travel for hours to see you. Maybe I was envious of you. I wanted to be liked as much as you.

But as I grew up, you grew on me. I realized what people see when they idolize you. Being around you makes me feel calm. You made me realize there is so much more to this world, beyond your horizon. You put me at ease. Your sound is like a lullaby that could put me to sleep.

I love you when not everybody does. There’s a unique charm in your winter coldness that I adore, far more than the summer warmth everyone else loves. Because you are cold like me, yet I still find you beautiful. We were more alike than I thought. You are more peaceful in the wintertime because I only share you with a few other people. You sit with me and let me process my thoughts, which can become overwhelming in such a hectic world. You are there for me without saying a word. Sometimes, words do not need to be spoken to make somebody feel better, and that you understand.

Through all four seasons of the year, you were there for me. I am grateful to have known you for so long because some people will never meet you. You remained a constant in my tumultuous life. You are something I can depend on and see when I need to take a breather from everyone and everything around me. Time and time again, I have stared at you for hours and have not gotten bored.

You have shown me beauty from your vastness. I am a speck in the grand universe.

Thank you, Ocean, for showing me how little everything matters in this world. I get caught up in my anxiety that every small action I take will have an exponential impact on my life. You remind me life is so much greater than my microscopic mistakes.

I love you, Ocean, and I am eternally grateful for you.

Love, Chloe

Dear forgetfulness,

I would say I’m a very sentimental person. I’ve tried squeezing the goodness from every moment. I morph into a sponge, soaking up each bit and particle of every lasting minute. I let the sweetness of the presence simmer on my tongue. I bask in the luxury of the present until it’s gone and turns into a memory. Inside jokes, casual conversations, and simple smiles are likely forgotten by others, but they are things I preserve.

My life hasn’t always been worth savoring, and sometimes as I live in the present, I try to fast forward through time. Reliving the fond memories I’ve made gets me through the hard times.

Life moves in the motion of frequency waves; sometimes I hit the trough. I reminisce on the times I had, clinging onto them with the entirety of my willpower. I fantasize about the past, begging the universe to make my memories tangible and allow my existence in them once again. To meet with that person once again. Relive that happiness. Feel as powerful as I once was.

To forget every memory I have is my greatest fear.

Humans aren’t born the person they are today, or at least that’s my opinion. Yes, you may be born with a personality, or your brain’s wiring may be predetermined at birth. But the experiences an individual has and the memories they create also mold them into the sculpture of their being. As humans experience life, they attach a fragment of every experience onto themselves and create a shell around them that other humans see and interact with. Is the shell who I am, or is it concealing my true being? I think that both apply to me, although I might be wrong. But I know one thing, it’s that the shell is a collection of experiences I have undergone, the good and the ugly.

Perhaps this is why I am fearful of forgetting– who would I be without my memories? How could I seek comfort if I had nothing to look back on?

Total amnesia terrifies me. I see it all the time in movies, when the main character wakes up from a coma and doesn’t know the first thing about themselves. It frightens me to one day wake up and to forget all the people I’ve met, all the things I’ve done and accomplished. Although this scenario isn’t realistic or likely, it is possible and the “what-if” of it all haunts me, because I cherish memories the same way I cherished my teddy bear when I was a child. I hold on to them and I hope I never outgrow them.

What brings me comfort is knowing that even if I forget my memories, I will still be remembered by others. I have to learn to accept that I cannot control forgetting, but if I forget an experience, it will still live in the mind of someone else. And maybe, hopefully, that person holds onto the memory as tightly as I do.

Chloe S.

Style Score: 87%

Dear little Chloe,

I’m just gonna rip the Bandaid off quickly, and I apologize because I know you were always more of a peel-the-Bandaid kind of girl. But trust me that it’s easier if I just tell you that you’re a lesbian.

Yeah, you heard me right.

I’m not sure if you even know what being a lesbian means, I know Mom and Dad never talked to you about sexuality or the queer community, they always just assumed you would grow up, fall in love, and marry a man. Being a lesbian is no different, you grow up, fall in love, but you fall in love with a woman.

And no, there’s nothing wrong with that, despite what you’ve been told.

I know you’ve had trouble being vulnerable with your feelings, expressing what’s going on inside your head, and being honest with yourself. I know that you feel the need to suppress the love you have towards others, and God, I know you have so much love in your heart to give.

I know that deep down in your introverted soul, you want to experience love one day. You long for having someone to love, and to receive that kind of love back. I know you search for it, filling your daydreams with this boy or that boy, and you think you like them because boys are the only thing you know to associate with love. The possibility of love with a girl has never crossed your mind.

But, do you remember Jackie? The girl you met in your karate class? You hated karate because it required too much yelling and that clashed with your quiet personality. You quit after three classes, but you didn’t stop thinking about Jackie. You wanted to be her “best friend,” she was the only thing you looked forward to in that karate class.

Or the girl named Carly in your cooking class you took when you were about eight? I know you were flustered when she gave you a hug on the last day of class, and you thought about the hug in the backseat of Mom’s car on the way home.

What about Avery, the girl in your drama class? You wanted to get to know her better, so you would try to sit next to her in class and talk to her during breaks. You didn’t know why you were so drawn to her or why you didn’t have a crush on any boy during middle school.

You finally figured it out in high school, with this girl Avalon. She was older than you and funnier than you, which is a rare occurrence because you’re pretty damn funny. But, it drew you towards her, you found her alluring, magnetic in a way. She was everything to you, you aspired to be her, but you aspired for more, you just couldn’t put your finger on what. It clicked one day after having a conversation with her, you had never felt so seen before. You finally came to terms that you liked her, and yes, you liked a girl.

Love with women comes easy to you, you don’t even have to try. They take your breath away, they mystify you, they’re like a challenge. Tough, but once you figure them out, rewarding. And when you fall for a girl, you fall hard. It’s unlike anything you have ever felt from a boy.

I’m not saying it was that easy, though, in fact it was difficult on you. You faced a lot of self-doubt in your feelings rather than just trusting your gut. You tried to bottle up the feelings towards her, shove them in a dark corner in your mind, or forget about them. Pardon my language because I know you don’t like when people use profanities, but there was no way in hell that you could make your feelings for her go away. They were undeniable, unlike anything you have ever felt for a boy before. It was like an epiphany.

It was harder for you to even consider telling other people. What would people think about you? Would they think differently of you or talk behind your back? What would your family think? You love your family, and you didn’t want to mess up your relationship with them by telling them this new information about yourself.

Remember to take a breather. It’s okay to be nervous.

I’ll tell you this, we took it one step at a time.

Turns out, people are pretty accepting, and that’s something to be grateful for, because this isn’t the case for most gay people. You told our little sister first, she barely batted an eye, and you cried in the bathroom after. But, you cried happy tears.

You told two of your cousins next, and turns out one of them also likes girls. The other gave you a fist bump. You went home with a smile on your face.

And then you started to tell your friends, friends who were close to you and who you could trust. They only smiled and said, “Wait, really?” You said yes, you liked girls, and they were like “Me too!”

Finally, you told Mom. She called you over the phone and you cried happy tears because she wasn’t upset with you like you thought she would be. People can surprise you sometimes. She even apologized if she ever said anything insensitive, and said that she loved you regardless. It’s not so scary once you put yourself out there. Yes, not everybody is going to be accepting of you, but I suppose that’s a way to see who your real friends are, and who you can depend on and trust. Because good people will love you no matter who you fall in love with.

If I had to give you any advice, I would tell you to go easy on yourself and to acknowledge your feelings. It’s okay to feel ways that other people don’t and it’s okay to love who you want to love. There is nothing wrong with who you love and how you express love.

I’m sure you’re thinking about what God has to say about us, and honestly we’ll never really know. But, the God I believe in made us the way that we are for a reason, and He has so much love for us because loving who we want doesn’t make us bad people. We were born this way, and there isn’t anything we can do to change the way we are. So no, we’re not going to hell because we want to kiss girls.

But, I’d like to leave you with a good note. Being part of the queer community is a beautiful thing, as silly as it may sound to you. I know you’re going to grow up learning that being gay should not be part of your lifestyle, it’s something that you shouldn’t support, and something you’re going to learn to look down upon as a Christian. But, there’s real beauty in the community and something so liberating about identifying as queer. There’s something so remarkable about queer friendships and relationships that I can’t quite articulate in the form of words.

But yeah, I just wanted you to know that you’ll be okay. I love you, take your time, and you’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel. I love you, little C. Be kind to yourself.

Love, big C.