Dear Queen,

I know now you are struggling. Life has been kind but also it there have been furious storms recently. I know even as I use the word Queen you are unsure that you should accept this word yet your head bobs up like a kid swimming in the summer lake with full life jacket regalia on- you are not giving up, you are floating and trying to find the right time to make your big splash and swim through the deeper waters on your own, so you accept Queen. Queen, you got this.

So much has happened these past few years. You have applied for the same job three times because it’s the next step in your career to be tenured as an educator in higher education. You have failed to get the job each time even though you are a huge contributor to the program. The last time it ripped a part of your heart and you’ve spent the year repairing and patching it up again. Rejection again and again can be like a ton of concrete on your heart. It’s heavy. However, you’ve moved it and are repairing. You’ve been able to do some of this work through reflection, through processing grief, and you’ve done some of the healing by being near family, friends, and a good therapist. You’ve done healing through nature walks, where trees let you stop and lean on them and where fields are covered in big skies of cumulus clouds and sunshine to warm you and allow you to continue to dream.

Now, you’re facing this again: a new tenure position application. You are still in your teaching job because you love the definition of what you do, you are engaged as a teacher because you love connection and empowerment, and it is a way to arise above limited systems while existing in a system. The power of teaching is an art. No one can just steal that passion and love from you. You have heard from another friend being a revolutionary in these modern times is to work in systems and create anew. You know this has been history. You swallow the truth. You look to your past indigenous ancestors, you look up to other heroes -Black and Brown and Indigenous sisters and brothers, white allies, women sisters, and lesbian, gay, and bisexual, trans lives – all of those who have been shut down but still rise. Those who have been pushed down but get up and smile more. Struggling, and walking forward is the way – being in safe spaces with support of your loved ones, those who believe in you and where you can keep carrying your light forward. Be in those safe places to not have to fight to stand but to be cherished and delighted in so when you do go to more controversial spaces you have your light to get you through, your stamina still comes from love, your perseverance still pushes you to new places. Do not hold your self-worth to one position.

This tenure: you have applied for. You’ve been here. There are a few dragons up top that you do not get along with, but you’ve learned how to navigate better near the dragons. Maintain some positive affirmations: “I am excited to interview.” “I deserve this” “My self-worth is not attached to this position.”
Many good teachers deserve a shot. The demands of economic security are higher than the positions available on higher ed campuses. Higher education needs a renovation, they need to take care of their teachers – they are failing here, you know this. The majority of adjuncts know this. The students also know this. Quality has been replaced by a factory belt of outcomes. It is all unfair. People are barely able to meet their basic needs –greed is winning. Hope is only in light and innovation.

Queen, you WILL get through this. Do NOT let FEAR win. Hold your head high. Teach. Go forward.
Carry your torch. Carry your truth. Your people are standing strong with you. This position is a small. If you do not get it, you will still carry your light. You will still create paths to uplift. You are a creator because you are a Queen.
Go on, Queen, you got this.
Bring your wand.
Make wonders.

Love,

Dear Rashan,

I know that this letter is a cry for help and a plea for answers. Since seeking help through therapy these are the questions I have for you and hope when this reach you that they can be answered. I just want to know if I’m still here, if I’m still alive, and if I’m still fighting the same battles. I want to know if I’m still trying to find my place in the world, if I’m still trying to make my mark, if I’m still trying to make a difference.

I want to know if I’ve made it, if I’m still here, if I’m still alive. I want to know if I’m still struggling, if I’m still trying, if I’m still learning. I want to know if I’m still searching for my purpose, if I’m still trying to make sense of this world, if I’m still trying to make something of myself.

Most importantly, I want to know if I’m happy. I want to know if I’ve found my peace, if I’ve found my joy, if I’ve found my contentment. I want to know if I’m living life to the fullest, if I’m living life with purpose, if I’m living life with no regrets.

No matter what, I want you to know that I love you. I want you to know that I’m proud of you. I want you to know that I believe in you. I want you to know that I’m here for you. I want you to know that I’m cheering for you.

We may not have the answers now, but I hope that by the time you read this, you have found the answers you have been searching for. I hope that you have found your place in the world, that you have made your mark, that you have made a difference. I hope that you have found your peace, your joy, your contentment. I hope that you are living life to the fullest, with purpose and without regrets.

So you know therapy has been going great, getting to be in touch with my thoughts and how to express them. There are rough days when I feel the disconnect between my emotions in regard to others, but it’s a start. So I hope we worked on it more and discipline ourselves on that aspect of ourselves It’s something much needed to help deliver the self love and growth we always talked about. The search for these questions have somewhat improved since implementing therapy to our lives.

I’m sure that a lot has changed since I wrote this letter. I’m curious to know if you have children now or if you are still a nomad, drifting off into the abyss. I’m also curious to know if the development of your own soul has changed since you looked in the mirror. I’m sure that you have grown and changed in many ways since then.

I’m so excited to hear all about your successes and failures, and to learn more about how you have grown and changed since I wrote this letter.

Sincerely with Love,