Solitude is where I find myself.
While feeling lonely at times,
I have learned to love the solitude that comes from rediscovering who I am.
After years of unlimited care for others and helping others achieve their goals while putting mine on hold, I had to learn how to say no and set boundaries.
But how selfish of you, they said.
Do you not care? They asked.
Who are you? They wondered.
You’ve changed. They spoke.
What happened to the sweet girl? They asked each other.
Who hurt her? They asked with confusion.
No, I am not selfish. Or maybe I am, and I love that for myself. No, I will not apologize.
Yes, I care, deeply. Deeper than they can imagine.
I didn’t know who I was either. After putting all of my energy into making everyone happy and taking care of everyone else’s needs, I lost myself. She is gone, nowhere to be found or heard, which is why I am so absent, withdrawn, and alone. While others call my life lonely, I call it rediscovery.
I love the peace of mind from being the opposite of who I was.
Yes, I changed and there is no denying it.
I am not that girl anymore.
The one that had no boundaries.
The one that always said yes.
The one that was going out of her way to serve others.
What can I say my cup was leaky, too many cracks, too many spills, and not enough repair or filling of my cup.
I had nothing left.
The cracks got bigger.
The hurt was deeper.
The cup emptied.
Not a drop left.
Suffocated is what I was.
No one was filling, only taking and taking.
Ignoring how fragile my cup was and the cracks getting deeper.
Eventually, I shattered.
I realized it was no one’s fault but mine.
Nobody owed me anything, not a hug, no support, and especially not their time when I needed it most.
It was my fault I was hurting.
The only one who can repair my fragile cup is me.
I now realize that as much as I would love for someone to be there for me when I am feeling hopeless and lost, just like I am always there for those I love, I cannot put that burden on them.
I’ve always been the daughter, friend, and sister that seems to have no problems.
We never have to worry about her, she always finds her way. I hear them say.
She’s so strong and independent. Again, they don’t know how fragile I am because I carry myself and my stressors well.
However, instead of hating how fragile I am and how others view me as a strong woman, now I love that I am accepting all of the broken pieces and one day at a time I am slowly putting those pieces together with the same love, care and time I invested on others.
Solitude has helped me learn to love all of myself, the good, the bad, the broken, and the weird.
I am thankful for the emptiness because it pushed me to rediscover my inner child, and my happiness, and overall opened my eyes to the takers.