What is it that you seek?
What is it that you saw?
You should never listen to my wicked crystal ball.
What is it that you seek?
What is it that you saw?
You should never listen to my wicked Crystal Ball.
Have you seen the crystal ball?
Have you heard the souls scream trapped in her cloudy walls?
Everything you love gone before it even happens,
nothing left of your soul among the cold dark ashes.
They say fools wish to be free,
until they’re in a free fall…
Fools gamble time and the ball she takes it all
‘Cause the crystal is a cheat,
the crystal is a liar,
The crystal is a frozen world of ice and of fire. To live in a lie the price is the truth,
to be frozen in time the price is your youth. But you knew, it never tricked you,
You let it seduce you, left scars on your skin-as if it ever needed you.
Some always come crawling,
some may escape her call.
But you should never listen to my wicked Crystal Ball…
What is it that you seek?
What is it that you saw?
You should never listen to my wicked crystal ball…
You should never listen to my wicked crystal ball.

A young boy sits in a wooden chair
Gazing forward
A ball of crystal perched before him
Almost invisible
It warps and clouds what lay behind it
He knows there will be a price
But he must try
He wants to know,
He has to know.
He gazes into its prism chamber
And it tells.
When he lifts his head, his breath taken away
The awe of the secrets told to him
Fade
When he sees his reflection
He sees that he is no longer the same man
But old, so old.
The ball has told him what he wished to know
But he had to pay the price of time
He walks away, as many have before,
Feeling cheated
Feeling like it all went by so fast
If he could only have another chance
If he could only get that time back
But he can’t
Time is the only thing you have
And the only thing you can never have
It is yours, spent
And the crystal ball will steal your time
The crystal will steal your life.

Dearest Readers,
When was the last time you were told “this is what’s wrong with you” and you believed it? For me? I have yet to believe what doctors tell me. Ever since I can remember it has always been “Oh, this is what is wrong.” or “you’ve been walking on a broken ankle for a week.” I am almost always misdiagnosed or told “it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.” I was born 3 months early with a hole in my heart, a heart murmur and severe lung issues. 3 months later, I contract viral meningitis and the child abuse begins shortly after. I was adopted and raised on a farm, but oractically lived in hospitals and doctor offices. I have 4 different types of migraines that took several years to diagnose because “You don’t have the typical symptoms so it can’t be that.” I was misdiagnosed with POTS disease when in fact, it is a congenital heart defect. I also have brittle bones, an undiagnosed hypermobility disorder, osteoarthritis, Hashimoto’s disease, healed skull fractures from the child abuse, scarring on my brain from the meningitis and a benign brain tumor that no doctor will touch because “it is in a vital area, but it’s not causing any symptoms.”
The moral of this story is, do not ever accept a diagnosis first thing. If your gut is telling you “something is wrong.” please get a second, third and fourth opinoion. It may just save your life!

My invisible wounds never close
Bleeding eternally like a dark rose
Scars form inside my body like a night sky full of stars
Wishing for a better home
Silently I let my tears pour
Maybe one day I won’t allow you to control me anymore
Is the end near?
I can only hope
A glimpse of light is all I need
Will you be there for all of eternity?
or
Will I be woken from this bad dream?

I had an addiction for 23 years, I have been clean for over 30 yrs minus my slips and falls that through me into the ring of addiction, because I let my guard down thinking that I was stronger than it, when actually the addiction was stronger than me. But such as life try and try again. I am clean and have been for many years. I allowed myself to lured back but the last time was the last time. I asked myself some questions and the most important was do you want to live or die, do I want to live a full life filled with endless possibilities or die not reaching my full potential. I choose life . I became to love self, and wouldn’t accept any old thing , I have been hopeless and helpless and I have done things that only me and God know about. I have come full circle I know my value . I graduated from college and wrote a book. I hope to be a recovery coach, where I help those who are still trapped be free and stare in the face of addiction and say I won and I am stronger than you. Now in my life there is so many things I want to do all for the glory of God not for fame or fortune all though these things have there place, that is not my motivation. I survived so that I may be a help to others.

Title: Anxiety
Written by: Marli Wright

Anxiety seems like a joke;
But unless you experience it, you never truly know.
It hurts, captures, consumes your soul, and you never know when it will start to show.
Sure, I look fine. My appearance isn’t affected. Maybe just some bags under my eyes, nothing makeup can’t cover.
You don’t understand the pit in my stomach, the lump in my throat, the shaking within my body.
Anxiety… invisible to you, but I feel it. Every time a child cries out for their mommy, a piece of my soul withers. You can’t see the hurt behind my eyes, the relentless voices in my head I can’t shake.
Yet you call me strong? Strong for hiding how I really feel? I want to scream, “Why can’t I have my baby!?”
Instead, there’s a faint smile, a nod of my head, and you think I’m okay.
You don’t see the walls closing in. You don’t feel the pressure of your expectations and disapproving glances. I see the disappointment in your eyes, pulling me down faster than any sinking stone. I’m drowning in sorrow, with no lifeboat in sight.
Anxiety – once mocked as fake, now I can’t unsee your ugly face. Normalcy feels like a distant dream I once lived. But you think I’m fine again. I’m not fine! Can’t you see? Oh, it’s because I’m a good actor, playing the “helpless” warrior, Act 3: page 10.

I gave myself a goal and tried to meet it,
And then I had roadblock.
I had a desire and tried to feed it,
But my hunger continued to rise.
I’m uneasy because I’m stuck in an ambitious mind,
However the same mind plays tricks on me.
Who’s in charge up there?
Are you mocking me?
Do we not share the same goals?
Fatigue of the body is stressful.
Fatigue of the mind is crippling.
I have both.
Motivation is deep inside me,
Oh how I love to feel passion spark a match.
My dreamy eyes and eager intents equate
to a child receiving five singles.
Richness.
I allow myself the space to breath,
But the gap keeps getting wider and the breaths are uneven.
When will I get up and go for it?
How do I do that now?
I’m so tired of the repetition,
Get me out of this miserable routine.
I’ll reset the goal and try to meet it.
I’ll feed the desire again, and again,
And again.
Will I arrive at my destination?
Good question. Let’s see.

The human brain is unique in that it has the ability to process and appreciate what is and what isn’t. Both tasks capable of being done efficiently and meticulously. It’s what we ask of it.

Escapism is an exercise that always existed and is ever so evolving.

Right from a baby engaging in role play with dolls or a teen skimming through the pages of a fairy tale/ fantasy book upto the adult lost in the alternate verse of social media, humans are innately equipped to use this very powerful mechanism to get to where they want to be and away from where they think they don’t need to be.

Television , internet, travel, books or even
yogic meditation are just tools we utilize to temporarily mute all that is mundane in our lives, as and when we please.
There is no shame in.
This coping and calming exercise can be healthy and benefitting. It can bring calm , joy, relieve stress and improve mental well being in general.. Letting those imaginations loose can also be supremely motivating. There is no greater motivator than a picturing a better version of oneself. The benefits of this exercise begin to fade only when escapism leads to delusion. Losing one self for long in what is not may lead to procastination, setting of unrealistic goals and establishment of a false sense of acheivement.
Overall , I beleive life in that middle earth is beautiful.
After all isn’t that what the age old practise of mindful meditation propagated to acheive? Immersing and assimilating oneself in a non-existent and intangible setting?
Personally i love my temporary stints in Lalaland. Books and music get me there fairly quick . In fact I think I am my best version in that space. Staying a little outta sync with reality helps me rediscover and recover. It’s cheap therapy to me.
Helps me get to a place of no judgements , no rules , no commitments , no obligations and certainly no boundaries while allowing me to be vulnerable and naive.
It’s that solo must do gig that needs no buddy.

For life is always going to be waiting for you once you get back..In all its unrealistic glory.

Why are you??? Would you rather??? Do you??? You choose… We have to talk later… I don’t like… Can you???
Just SOME of the phrases that give me anxiety
Anxiety
Palms sweaty, words cluster or rather, how do I speak?
Is your mouth dry? *smacks tongue* My mouth is so dry it taste funny
I should ask for a beverage but it feels like I’ll pass out if I stand up
How do I stand up? My legs are numb!
Am I even breathing?
Okay, let’s just shut my eyes and take a deep breath then I’ll feel better
WAIT!!
I can’t be aware of my surroundings if my eyes are closed
They flutter right back open
I look around
Why are all of these people looking at me? Do I look funny? Is my hair okay? I got a new pimple? A booger?
Ugh, I miss our masks. Social distancing, please bring that back
Has my leg been shaking this whole time?
I didn’t even notice I was sweating.. ALOT!
Do I stink? My face is actually really hot
I already know I’m probably red
I feel my heart banging against my chest
Damn!
I JUST got myself better from feeling depressed!
Racing thoughts
Its a boxing fight in my head for the belt
Anxiety vs Depression
I’m getting so dizzy and starting to see spots
Sometimes I wish people knew the truth
The truth is ugly
I was so down and blue I couldn’t even clean my room let alone my house
I couldn’t eat for months, no appetite would last
Even just to shower was such a task
This battle is nonstop
A mental war we all have in a way
Yet at the word mental you all turn away
Or make rude, insensitive comments
“You choose to be that way, get over it,other people have it worse”
Can we just stop this curse?
And start a whole new world
With a whole new verse
One where we accept each other with open arms
Arms that won’t end up suffocating you
Whether it’s with love or with envy
Listen to me, don’t judge.
Respect my wishes, and love me unconditionally with no strings attached
Show me your real you and I’ll show you me
Breathe into me and I’ll breathe into you
And together we’ll live peacefully