I’ve trusted I’ve lusted,
I’ve loved and I’ve lost.
I’m not “Broken” I’m “Broke in”
See the difference?
There’s a separation,
The love I lost helped me lust
The reason I trusted is why I lost.
We “Broke in” because we’re “Broken”

Apparently, the way I’m moving
Forward, is causing a commotion.
Creating waves and riding em,
Now I’m looking and sounding
Different. Some still see
Me through my past addiction.
No longer with those circles,
Now I’m a square,
Making a point like a triangle.
Breaking out of the hexagon
No stop signs here.
Just slowing down taking detours.

Making new connections,
Creating new bonds,
With the intention of building
A new family. To have a place
I can rest and call home.
Doing homework as this body is home,
Just a home body. Honing in
On this new foundation.
Checking into the blueprints.
No architect, but this picture
You can see, this is pre-school
Connecting the dots.
Drawing the lines, making the connection.

My peaceful place is in the Presence of God
Resting in His Love
His sky the roof
The grass His floor
There I lay
Him, I adore!

My peaceful place is in the Presence of God
Often on my sacred exercise mat
Arms stretching
God has my back
There we connect
Him, I respect!

My peaceful place is in the Presence of God
His cool breeze blowing through my hair
His warm sun and Son giving me a loving stare
Reminding me there’s nothing to fear
Because God is there
By my side–my relationship with Him, I just can’t hide
In Him, I abide!

Peaceful, present, loved, and free
My peaceful place?
In the Presence of God
Where I always want to be!

Watching the horizon swallow the sunlight
And all it’s bright colors.
Then seeing the sky fade to black
With some specs of light off in the distance
Is a beautiful experience.
Enjoying the simple pleasures in life.
Just watching the time go by.

Dear Unsealed,
I heard your words.
That hurt me so deeply.
To see
You as who you are
Is so absurd.
I thought you were my friend.
As you say to me
With glee
You are shutting me down
All around the town
I see you there
Without a care
You think you are the one
Under the sun.
You asked me how I feel.
I tell you I am good.
How are you?
It should
Have been good,
But the next event was blue.
You made me sad.
You are bad.
Not mad.
You put conditions on our friendship,
But I tell you know that you have no idea about my nightmare whips
Of time & space & heartache
All for your sake
I will leave you standing there
Without a care
You are not my friend.
This is the end.
No more bullies like you
Or like them.
This is the end.
My friend of fake pretentions
Of adventures of your own making
Of taking,
Intentions
Of your brain of betrayal of pretentious
Vocabulary of boundaries
Of sounds
Of tunes of truth,
Lies,
Bully,
Friendship of
Boundaries of vocabularies
You are not my friend.
This is the end.

Dear Younger Self:

I take one glance at you, and the first words that come to mind are weathered and worn. You have been through so much and have had it sheltered in what you had considered your safe place. I know you were so young so there was no way for you to fully conceptualize the magnitude of everything that was happening to you as you were developing.

Waking up and dragging yourself every day was a struggle. You would beg and plead to just stay home as to not face what was going on with you in school. I could look at your face and see the visible stress that your childhood was causing you.

You went to school only to get teased and laughed at because of your disability. Something that was not your fault and no one else’s fault. You were being neglected and left behind by teachers and the people who were meant to be there as a building block in your life seemed more like a roadblock.

Because of the neglect I felt, my typing teacher called a meeting to tell my mother that I smelled of urine. My mom got visibly upset and said that if I had the help I needed, this meeting would have never had to happen.

I would say that this situation was the turning point that caused you to go downhill as far as depression is concerned. I look back on that version of you, and the first thing I recall is the bags under your eyes from no sleep and your disheveled hair from an obvious lack of self-care.

I can clearly remember when you were begging your mom to let you stay home from school to avoid the overly emotional load and toll it took on both your mind and body. Your parents had to continually remind you of how far you had already come and that you only had a couple of months left.

I knew from the way that you were struggling that months would feel more like years. Thec days were grueling, going from feeling like you were someone important to the feeling that you felt like you didn’t matter to anyone.

These mood swings had your depression declining in every sense of the word. So much so that you had begun to wonder if life was worth living anymore. You came home every single day to put your Lifehouse “No Name Face” CD on and cry your eyes out because the lyrics of every song had an unusual tug on both your heart and mind. You had never felt a connection with a band like this, and you knew that it was something very special. So special in fact that the lyrics from the song “Simon” can be credited with saving your life and bringing you back to life in a way that would become nothing short of a miracle.

As you move on in your life and graduate from high school, this is when you begin to see significant changes in both your behavior and mental health status. You had never experienced such a positive feeling before. College was a turning point when you had a great interest in your social work studies and were fully immersed in techniques to help others while also becoming a better person and working on the prosperous adult you were working so unbelievably hard to become.

Your grades were excellent and you were feeling like a brand-new person in all aspects of the word. I believe that college can also be credited with your positive decisions to keep going no matter what roadblocks you have yet to face. There would be numerous ups and downs, but the good news is now you know how to handle them in appropriate ways.

You should be immensely proud of yourself. You rose up from the very bottom of depression, only to rise as a more confident and loving human being. You did what a lot of other people unfortunately don’t end up doing, and that is surviving the worst moments of your life. You still do not give yourself adequate credit. You are so strong; your strength is your pinnacle. Not enough can ever be said about the way you have chosen to live despite the fact that your disability has taken over your body and stripped you of your once-treasured independence. You always tell others that your patience and laid-back attitude are your secret to happiness, However, I feel that your strength is your real superpower. Give yourself the credit, it is not arrogant when it is the truth.

My life is a poem
Of hidden dreams and nightmares exposed,
Great pain felt but so little TRUTH told,
How my heart became so BIG,
From made so COLD,
Inside so gentle but outwardly BOLD,
A remarkable story left untold,

My life is a poem…
Soon you will know as my future unfolds