Dear me, thank you.

I remember when you were starting school in third grade; transitioning from being home-schooled to public school, the same year that you bawled your eyes out because the doctor said needed eyeglasses. I mean, once you realized you were allowed to pick out your own frames, your tears cleared right up and those round, dark pink frames quickly became yours! Being excited about the new element added to your style, Dad didn’t have a hard time convincing you to get a super short haircut…but don’t worry, you never, ever did that again! However, I do admire the confidence that you had going into that school- knowing you didn’t have any familiar faces in class, but still having no problem being your authentic, weird self. I’m proud to say we do have that confidence today, but that unfortunately we did lose it a bit in-between.

Getting through middle school wasn’t bad. You did well in school and you got along with your classmates, but what you lived for was hanging out with your best friends back at the apartments that you grew up in your whole life. Having friends in the apartment complex made it easy to say that home was such a fun place to be, even though deep down you knew that inside that two-bedroom apartment, any happiness was gone after 6pm. You were lucky in a way, it’s not like your parents were leaving you with random sitters while they went out to the bars like your neighbor friends dealt with, instead your parents would just drink at home, and you had to be witness. Your parents seemed to care more than the other parents because they were always helicoptering around and trying to keep you safe, but that started to bother you more and more as you grew older.

When it was time for high school you started to feel suffocated. When you observed the younger neighbor friends having more freedom than you, it felt unfair! They could take their bikes to the store down the street before you could, and they’d all talk about their Facebook accounts while your parents were telling you that you couldn’t have one for another few years. The anger inside only grew as you finally got more freedom, because that only came with constant texts and calls asking for pictures to prove where you were. You weren’t out doing drugs or partying, you had good grades, but you were treated as if you were not trust-worthy or responsible. It didn’t help that your parents’ anxiety of the world worsened, as well as their anger towards each other. At home, you unfortunately had to hear all of it, and it had more of an effect on you than you knew.

As you overheard the loud, explicit sluts being spat back and forth, your body was coregulating with their anger and angst. As you overheard horrific truths of family pasts, your brain processed these things in an unhealthy, self-limiting way. As you started to join in on arguments trying to mediate or defend, you fed into your already developed control issues. There is a reason that psychologists tell parents not to involve their children in adult issues. This was in no way your fault, but when you finally were able to escape, you quickly learned that it was your responsibility. Although it feels easy to blame your parents for your anxiety and depression, it feels so much better once you realized that they were doing the best they could with what they knew, and it feels even better when you realized that you were the one in control of your life.

You escaped your parents’ home at age 19 and moved into an apartment with your high school sweetheart. Even though you had never had a boyfriend throughout high school, when you saw him come into your class junior year and you got that feeling that you had to talk to him…you were right to go with your gut. This man has been such a blessing throughout your life, even though at times you didn’t treat him that way. There were times where your anxiety got the best of you, your anger issues were not managed well, and you felt completely out of control. There were times where you found yourself in panic attacks, crying so hard to the point of headaches, but you made it through, and he was there the whole time. He was so patient with you, and although there were rough times during the relationship, he never left your side. Even though you thought you were such a burden and terrible person to be around, he never saw you like that-he saw you for you.

You had a hard time accepting this love for many reasons, but the main one being that you did not love yourself. Your brain absorbed Dad’s constant comments like “You dumba**” or “Stupid b**ch,” even though those were never true. You took on blame and guilt for things that didn’t even involve you, and it aided in the self-loathing patterns. I won’t sit here and say that at age 27 you’re completely healed of all traumas and you float through life with no problems; you still have triggers and definitely some control issues, but you are healing every day. After years of trying different medications and therapists, you’re feeling regulated without prescription drugs, you have a therapist you love, and you are finally feeling like that confident, curly-headed eight-year-old girl with glasses strolling into her first year of public school. Looking at you, I see that you always confidently knew yourself, and you trusted your gut. You tried to stay out of the way of chaos and remain in your own peaceful world, and that is something we still practice today. As I continue to heal my nervous system and work on self-love, I have realized that I truly can trust my gut feelings; and for that, I thank you.

Dear Little Sunshine,

The world might not make much sense to you right now and I know you are just trying your hardest to find a place where you feel seen and heard in the way you see and hear other people. I can’t promise you that people won’t break your heart or mislead you, but I can promise you that every twist and turn you take will be your very own journey into a world that makes sense to you.

You’re going to be known as the helper before you ever truly feel helped. You are going to the big cousin, big sister, best friend, and even the parent sometimes. And you are going to be great at it because you have a natural ability to connect with and care for people. There will be a lot of times where you feel like too much is being expected of you and that you just can’t do it anymore. I want to let you know that for every moment you push through, you grow into a stronger version of yourself and encourage others to do the same.

Little Sunshine, I need you to know that you light up rooms when you walk in. I see the way you bring love and inspiration to people three times your age. I see the way you check in on others to make sure everyone feels included. I see that your mind never stops racing and your body never ceases to move. I see that you are as full of love as you are fearful of it.

I know those around you are impressed by your self-sufficiency because they don’t know it was your only option. I know that you’ve been given too much responsibility at a young age and just want to make mistakes. I know you feel neglected, but still show up for everyone. I know it hurts to think you always have to give more than you can receive, but I want to assure you that your incessant desire for curiosity, connection, and care will motivate you to be a pillar of love and creative expression in the lives of others.

That light you shine because you feel so overlooked, will teach others to unashamedly be themselves. That depth you possess because you’ve seen so much in such a short amount of time, will teach others to take time to learn themselves. That warmth you radiate because the world is just so cold, will teach others to be kinder to themselves.

So, when your heart hurts, don’t turn away from those in your life who never did you wrong, remember to lean into the love that surrounds you and multiply it. All the boys and girls, friends and foes, family members and strangers, who made you question your heart, hold them closely like they couldn’t hold you and I promise you that your life will be so much better because of it. I don’t ask that you stay strong and silent when the world doesn’t give you what you need, I ask that you stay soft and resilient. I ask that you continue to be an example of the shining, permeating, unwavering love you wish to feel. You will change the lives of so many others because of it.

I love you, Little Sunshine and I am so proud of you

Dear my younger self,

You used to write letters to your future self every year based off what happened to you in your past. These letters were always centered around the pain that plagued you and the heartbreak that others caused you. They were meant to be warnings for me, a big red sign that read: DO NOT DO THIS AGAIN IT WILL BREAK YOU. But you know what I learned recently? I learned that any advice that strays from the human experience is not based off truth, but rather fear.

We are all little creatures in a beautiful, vast universe – this pain comes with the job title. Living in the future too much caused you an overwhelming amount of anxiety, but living in the past filled you with deep sadness and regret. What you failed to realize back then is that living in the present moment isn’t unproductive – it is peaceful.

I think you missed something very important in all those old letters. You forgot to mention that without sorrow there can not be rapture, without grief there can not be peace, and without heartbreak there can not be love. You were coming from a place of unfathomable hurt. In the end, it was you who needed a letter, not me.

So, this is what I wish I could have told you back then. Never forget you can handle anything life throws your way. It’s okay to feel weak, to break down and cry. It’s okay to have regrets. In fact you should have regrets because if you don’t then that means you’ve never tried anything worth losing yourself in. You are human and your deep capacity to feel is your strength, not your undoing. How lucky are you that you’re able to love the way you do, that you’re able to see the light in the dark, that you’re able to empathize with the sadness of others? How lucky are you that you’re able to laugh wildly, that you’re able to experience unmatched joy, that you’re so grateful sometimes you have to shed your tears in order to express it?

All the heartbreak, all the failures, all the terrible things that happened to you is what’s going to show you which direction to go in. All you have to do is follow the path I carved out for you. And trust me when I say I came out okay on the other side.

I am here today, full of love and hope, because of every good and bad and horrible and amazing thing that has ever happened to you. But I am also here because I refused to give up, because I kept going even when all I could do was crawl, because I envisioned a better future for myself and believed with everything I had in me that it was possible. I will leave you with one final thought: Anything and everything can be a catalyst for change. But it is up to you to take the shattered vase and glue it back together with gold.

Dear Younger Self,

Right now, you’re just getting used to the country world you live in North Carolina. Life seems simple. You listen to your parents. You have your sisters teaching you your ABCs and pretending that you’re in a classroom with toy animals, getting you prepared for kindergarten. As you become a kid. You enjoy the time you spend with your family and other relatives that give you a taste of their world and what it’s like. I wish I could tell you that your journey will be smooth sailing from your youth to your present self, but, I would be doing a big disservice to you by not telling you the truth in a genuine way.

From when you start school (and outside of school) you will endure countless challenges that will test your will and your mental strength. You will have a tough time making friends because you’re just wired differently from other kids. You will start to have doubts about yourself and believe that something is wrong with you.

You’ll ask yourself ”Why can’t I connect with most of my classmates? or ”Why are they so mean to me? I’m just trying to fit in and figure things out.

The world outside of school will slowly become harsher and meaner as you get older. You’ll have experiences like asking an adult if you can use their phone to call your dad after marching with your JROTC group, only for them to give you a nasty look and keep walking away. You’ll even experience harsh lessons with your own family members on how cold the world can be. The more reality tries to get you to accept these truths, the more defiant you become in not accepting these truths. Your optimistic mind refuses to accept that it’ll always be this way. But, the relentless negative experiences will begin to wear you down throughout your middle school, high school & your early 20s. You will start to feel like you’re losing your core self, being around people who don’t have your best interests at heart and who love tearing down others. You’ll have many nights when you just break down and let out your pain, after holding in too much in for so long. But, don’t fret younger self, the story will get better.

Life will start to make sense in your mid-20s. You’ll start to see a way out of the tall forest. You’ll run into people who like you for you and who you can open up with on a deep level. Some people you’ll come across on the internet and others offline. They’ll even help you find out or rediscover who you really are. You’ll begin to blossom and have the courage to love yourself with pride & show it to the world (even if others don’t have that same love for you). You’re going to be battle-tested in ways you won’t believe. But, these battles will show you how strong and tough you really are. You won’t see it while you’re growing up, it’ll take years to see the results of your trials and tribulations. But you will see and be glad about your progress.

You will also learn that guys who looked tough and strong, won’t last long on their journey. Some of them were killed in their early 20s being around an environment that doesn’t allow people to grow in a positive way. But you (and others) got out. You have a long road ahead of you, but the destination will be so sweet when you get to your present self, and the best part is your present self is still growing and evolving. So to my younger bubbly self, I say rejoice and take your battles with glee. I wish I could have don’t that, knowing what I know now.

“To Time
Hello time,
Haven’t heard from you for a long time.
How are you spending your time,
Without me coming along for a run of time?

I miss your light, bright laugh as you fly by
Your transience makes you all the more precious.
Don’t abandon my side and leave me lonely.
Alone to face your swiftly moving wondrous
Glory that eases with your passing.”
(Chehab, M. K., PerfectlyFlawed, 2021)

I wished to thank you for your time, the one that helped me overcome pain and disillusionment, that almost brought me down, at one time or another.  Yes time, your earthly flow is a balm on my soul, which you soothed with your constant presence and support.  Your availability at all hours of the day brought me comfort, when I was confused and drawn. Your help in marking time with me, gave me permission to speak my mind and get all the hurt off my chest.  ‘A clean slate’ for a time, is a wondrous gift of rejuvenation imbued in optimism.
Whenever I think of you, time, I know that each of your hands is holding me up to the tests of time.  In my five decades, I have emigrated four times to three Continents,  experienced loss, betrayal,  disillusionment,  fear, horror, injustice,  motherhood, ‘wifehood’, childhood upheaval,  travel, adventure,  laughter, faith, optimism, and love.  With your help, time, I have had many ups and downs, but what leaves the greatest impression is laughter.  To laugh is to live, and, to live is to savor life.  With laughter comes the humor of a situation that you can only perceive when thinking positively.  They’ve even come up with laughing yoga, laughter university (California- of course, where else?!!), and laughing Kung Fu.  If that doesn’t prove my point, I don’t know what will! So, laughter is uplifting, optimistic, and tickles your funny bone in order to redirect your frown to a smile! It’s also important to note that, life’s constant changes and your ability to adapt to new realities is but a drop in the well of your knowledge and patience, especially when you have a sense of humor that helps alleviate the stress, anxiety of any major changes.
Relish each stage in your life as each is as transient as time itself,  one moment it’s there, another gone into the caverns of memories so deep you need to excavate them in order to remember a specific moment in time.  I’ve learned that time is precious, and that you need to make the most of this treasure you’ve been given. As time flows into an ocean of evocation: a smell, a ray of light, a flower, a cry, a laugh, a touch, a kiss, or all together, will invoke a feeling of well-being that’s unparalleled in your heart.   Savor it, and don’t dwell on the negativity that time, and time again, may erode facts turning them into feelings and interpretations that become dubious in their veracity.
I hope we meet more often time, as I enjoy unburdening my lot to your compassionate ear.
Yours truly,