So lovely.
Say it with me, so lovely.
The whispers constantly there, who owns them?
The feeling constantly fear, who hones it?
The path constant effort, Let’s show it.
Freestyle life, whispers *hone it*
Perseverance, *renowned it*
Simplicity, always rejoicing in it.
Warrior, no beef, peace, humanitarian, fruitarian, little u.
An open vessel. All emotions, wide open. let them all in now.

When I think of a younger me
Sometimes the memories are blurry
And I cannot always see clearly
But I remember a feeling of being carefree.

I hear my siblings tell tales
Of all my wiles and wisecracks,
The jokes that I would spin
To get out of trouble, my mother stifling a grin.

There are t-shirts and programs
From musicals and plays
Belonging a girl who was not too shy
To enjoy centerstage.

Sometimes as I look back I am embarrassed
By how I now let my anxieties harass
And keep me hidden away,
Too afraid to say what I need to say.

But then I think of all she has taught me–
This younger version, unafraid to stand out–
To let my emotions be felt, big or small,
And not shy away from being different at all.

Her confidence was not based on numbers
From an online following or a scale.
She did not chase success or popularity,
There was no cookie cutter path or well worn trail.

She loved seeing other laugh and smile,
The reality was, she did not feel the need to impress.
And if she saw someone who seemed lonely
She would pull them in to join the rest.

There was no box she could be put in,
There was no being “too much,”
There was no touchy feely, drama queen,
There was no “not good enough,”

There was simply being happy,
There were people who truly saw me,
There was being bright and bubbly,
There was the possibility of becoming anything.

And sometimes when I think of that little girl
I want to wrap her up in my arms, hold her near,
And whisper to her softly,
“I will always be right here.”

When I first became aware of the importance of you, I was an adult who had been put through so much trauma that I mourned the loss of your innocence. I sat in my grieving with you for much longer than I should have. I pretended I was fine. I pretended we were fine. We were not fine. Not fine in any way! I pretended that the pain that would encompass most of your childhood and young adulthood just was not that bad. In realty, it was not great! In reality it was abusive and toxic! I did not want to face the layers of traumas. The pain was just too intense! I just couldn’t stand seeing how much you had been hurt until I faced those layers of pain as an adult. I put off facing the layers of pain for far too long. Then when I began to face it, I got accused for many years of just not letting go of my past. I would get yelled at by my mother for just not letting it go! The truth was she did not want to face what had happened to me either. Then she would have to do some inner work. That is her journey. For me, the truth was that I had to chip away layer after layer in order to free and heal myself from the confines of my childhood. I spent eight years actively healing the traumas that had happened from the time I was nine years old until I was thirty-six when I had blown up my abusive marriage with divorce! The explosion of my marriage was my way of setting myself free from all of the abusive narratives I refused to accept any longer! Oh how I am proud of myself for that disruption to my timeline! I did not want to repeat the patterns that had led me to the fact I had survived many layers of abuse as a child and as an adult because I thought that was my fate! Oh how I want to go back and hug the thirty-six year old version of myself. I will get there, but first I had to love on the little girl who I look at each day in a Polaroid photo that feels as the perfect reminder of how precious time can be when we look backwards or forwards. Looking at that little girl in that Polaroid photo held my motivation to stay on my journey of insisting that I had to heal as my guiding force. I also needed to look at this photo to Remind me that I refused for my children to have to survive the unhealed parts of their mother on their own journey from childhood through adulthood. I demanded better for them! I demand better for myself!

Now, I work a little harder every day to heal what had been done to you. What had been done to us. I keep a picture of you at the age of eight at my desk to remind myself every single day that, you are loved. I tell the younger version of myself each day, “I love you.” I actively have changed the way I look at myself as an adult, because I have learned to love the younger version of myself. Now, I count the blessings that helped me to survive the abusive nature of my childhood. I focus on the people who helped me to be a better version of myself. I focus on the people who loved me when I could not love myself. They saw that I was more than the circumstances of my childhood which would bleed into my young adulthood. I look at that picture of myself at eight years every single day to remind me that I am still amazing with a world ahead of me! I no longer grieve the loss of her. I embrace her with all the good and all the bad! I am not defined nor am I broken, but all those experiences I have navigated through.Now, I look at the possibilities ahead of me! Those experiences made an impact that I carry each day as a reminder of how far we have come. My younger self and who I am now match one another. I look at how far we have healed and some of the work I still have to do on my path to further my healing. This daily reminder interlaced within one Polaroid photo has helped me to reignite the pain that I had stuffed down for so long. I had to look back and face the pain in order to make sense out of it, so I could move forward and not inflict that pain onto anyone else. I needed to learn to love myself! I needed to learn to empower myself!

Looking back is not always a bad thing. It just is a way if used with a healing intention a way to simply heal what had been hurt with myself. I cannot speak for anyone else’s journey, but for my own. I love that vivacious energy I had as a child! Those endless imaginative ways I saw the possibilities of world was inspiring to others, but most of all to the older version of myself! I just wouldn’t realize it until I became an adult and faced it. I have done the work. I have looked at each nook and cranny of my past. All I see now is a girl who needs more hugs, more reassurances that she on a better path that I can now give to myself. I no longer look outside of myself to know I am lovable! I tell myself every single day that I am worthy of love! So, as I look at the photo of the younger version of myself as I write this I am reminded that, I love how beautiful you looked in your sun dress and that you had a smile that you see in your son! I love that your eyes sparkle like your daughter! I simply love that you are apart of me! As I look at that Polaroid photo I see your energy was not taken advantage of then and you had endless ways to show off your silliness! I needed the daily reminder that as an adult now, I am amazed with you and how you hard you held the innocence of all that encompasses you! I hold that so close to my heart for us. Every day I look at that picture where you are smiling and full of joy and I see my kids! I see the love and security I poured into them so they did not have to suffer the way you would a few years after that photo was taken. Sarah Jayne, I love you with all of my heart!

My Dearest Little Monster, 

You were the fiercest little girl. 
With your heart on your sleeve 
You let your emotions lead 
Never thinking twice 
About screeching another song 
Using bones as sticks
You beat to your drum 
Picking candy from your fangs 
Biting talons instead 
Of fingertips 
Small as a bat 
You flew above the crowd 
You might have been small 
But your banshee cry loud 
Instead of a princess 
You wanted to be a monster
A little girl forever 
You hold your loved ones tight
Because vampires can love, too.  
My Little Monster, how I love you. 

Dear Joy Spreader,

When the curtain to a new day opened, you smiled. You saw everyday as a new day to spread joy. You were joyful to see a friend; you were joyful to see a family member; you were joyful to see your teacher; you were joyful about every little thing that happened. Sometimes nothing needed to happen, you looked up, saw clouds and that made you smile. When it rained, you found music in the rain, and you danced. All everyone heard was your giggles. Before long, they joined to laugh with you. People say, rain has music, but you danced even when there was sunshine. When mom made mango jam you danced around the house with joy. It’s like everything held some sort of special power to make you happy, everything had some kind of rhythm to make you dance. Now when I look back, I admire the easy, effortless way you grabbed happiness everywhere you were. It’s like you didn’t search for happiness, happiness always found you. I wish I could travel back in time to meet you again and carry that secret to happiness with me to my adulthood. Was it the simple way you loved everything and everyone? Or was it that you simply loved being happy all the time? Is love the secret? When it rained today, I heard the music of the rain. I remembered you and all I wanted to do is dance to that music, but I didn’t. Just simply doing that simple thing seemed complicated. I wondered how you did all those things so effortlessly. If I could travel back in time, I’d bring your joyful nature, the simple way you loved everyone and the carefree way you did everything. Perhaps, I need to remind myself: you are me and I am you. I may not need to search too far as within myself I have that seed of inspiration to bring forth a different version of myself when the curtain opens to a new day.

Everybody’s asking you, why girl?
Who hurt you, girl?
Tell a story…
Why’d you lie, girl?
Tell the truth…
There’s no excuse so now you lose.
All alone but nobody cares.
Now you’re asking why, girl?
Why wasn’t anyone else there?
Aftermath: no more feelings to share.
When you push it’s almost like the feelings aren’t there.
Why girl?
Why are you afraid to tell your story, tell your truth, and give an excuse?
If you don’t speak up now, you’ll always be used.
Why, girl?
I don’t know why you care what they say,
but things are important that you say.
All the things, every day.
Hey…
Beautiful…
Soul…
Still, you ask why, girl?
That is you!
You are what you speak.
You are not for the weak.
You will achieve every virtue you seek.
You improve anyone you meet.
I love you because you never stop asking why, girl.

Dear Angela, I am writing you a letter to say thank you. I remember in my childhood I loved to play! My sister and I would always pretend to be teachers! Then it dawned on me that my inner self further down the road on my journey would end up becoming a teacher! As a child you don’t know what you know until you grow. You are just a child trying to grow up the best that you can. Little did I know that this little girl would grow up embracing herself. As I reflect on my childhood, as a little girl, I learned to love myself! I believe that my childhood memories were beautifully made by filling my time with play. Back in my day, social media was obsolete but in my younger years it became a treasure that using your five senses would become so rewarding. I remember playing marble, jacks, pick up sticks, kick ball, tether ball, and with ants! Yes, I said ants! I lived at the end of a street and next to a tree lined fiend. My dead-end street was safe enough for me to build ant homes on the curb in the dirt and I used pieces of clear plastic for the windows for those ants in the ant hospital. Of course, it sounds weird but it’s called play. The power of play will never go away. I loved the outdoors for running, racing, picking blackberries in the bushes for my mother to make blackberry pie! My sister and brother also help to pick these berries too! It was a fun thing to do. I remember I absolutely loved riding my Big Wheel and my bike on the sidewalk and on my dead – end street. My inner self was so open to the world around me. I enjoyed my childhood as a little girl so much that I attribute it to the fact that I was taken good care of so much that I was able to feel safe to explore. Growing up, I was inquisitive, and enthusiastic and this may be why I had so much fun! I was also very in tune with whom I was. I want to say thank you to my inner child for being brave, and imaginative but the best thing I like most about my child was that I enjoyed the moment I was in. I want to say thank you Angela for exploring, and playing with your hands, running in the sun, picking berries, and enjoying the world I was given. I loved that I was able to feel free to connect with me, myself and I! I felt as a young child special, I felt loved and as I look back and say, “I never thought all that I did would make me become a successful citizen by giving back to my community in a positive way.” Those early childhood years made me strong, and determined to never give up and to find my way. I love you Angela a lot more than I ever thought I could. You have given me sunshine and warmth and I hope to continue my lifelong journey still enjoying my life and to always remember who I am.
Sincerely, Angela

Through the Kaleidoscope

A tender breeze,
like tendrils of hair
softened by caring hands,
dances playfully along your skin,
warmed by the sun’s golden smile.
It brushes your lashes,
curling gently skyward,
as your eyes lift to be greeted
by brilliant larimar skies.
Refractions of light dance
from your iris,
fanning in and out to soak up
as much vibrancy as their threads will allow.

Every touch is an embrace,
every sight a vision,
and every birdsong a symphony –
designed for the delight of your
tender fingers,
wide eyes,
and tiny ears.

Hello there, it’s been a minute you see.
You seen me give up on you within, when I should’ve called upon you.
To the way that you threw caution to the wind when it was something fun for you to do.
No worries, just want to know what we can do next.
Back when I didn’t care if I was annoying or a pest.
Because to be honest? Who cares? Cause I thought I was the best.
Although it may not have been true, you couldn’t tell that to me
Because I have the proof that would bring you to your knees.
Oh man, but don’t mention that to those trees, the ones that I would climb but ultimately, bring me to my knees.
Jumping out of the swings mid air just to catch that wave of adrenaline.
To toast the crunch with the cinnamon; was the best way to start the day
Then just go outside and find some play
Maybe see some of my friends in the day
Playing outside while gun shots can ring out at any moment.
Didn’t phase me one bit, until the house got hit.
Seeing the visual of what the bullet did to the window
And how it didn’t hit anyone home was a miracle.
But you still went out to play the next day.
Still ready to have a great day.
Oh little one, can you show your face to me again?
The world has shown me those scary truths you wanted to know about
Now I wish I didn’t
Because now I can’t readily access you
But I can promise, that I will try my best to come back to you.

Optimism crushed under the weight
Of life’s injustices and lies
Childlike wonder suffocates
As the world-weary soul grows wise
A tender heart turned to stone
By the world’s disapproving eyes
The inner child barely hanging on
But kindness never dies

The authentic self bound in chains,
Beaten, berated until it complies
All quirks and flaws met with disdain
Hidden under a respectable disguise
The voice of reason utters its last sound
In weak, despairing cries
The inner child broken down
But kindness never dies

Morphed and molded to society’s rules
Into something I don’t recognize
Pressured to become callous and cruel
The inner child’s inner voice defies
One childlike trait persists
Like phoenixes from ash rise
The inner child still exists
Because kindness never dies

It’s in the wind
the wildly abrupt
breaks the glass of your window
but leaves you untouched…
Except for the sound
as your chest pounds and caves
now sleeping with the echo
of the wind that made you brave.

It’s in the song
the one on repeat
memorizing notes and lyrics
caressing feelings underneath.
Behind your quiet cloak
You wore for your small world…
a volume knob on a stereo taught you how to be heard.

Pens, paint, and crayons
always in your hand
recreating what you dreamt
what you didn’t understand
With emotions hard to handle
and thoughts you can not hold
the pens, paint, and crayons
gave permission to be bold.

It’s in the flower
the first wild growth
when the snow became the meadow
and you began to roam.
The flower showed such patience
only growing if untouched…
Except by the same wind
that taught us both so much.