My invisible wounds never close
Bleeding eternally like a dark rose
Scars form inside my body like a night sky full of stars
Wishing for a better home
Silently I let my tears pour
Maybe one day I won’t allow you to control me anymore
Is the end near?
I can only hope
A glimpse of light is all I need
Will you be there for all of eternity?
or
Will I be woken from this bad dream?

Title: Anxiety
Written by: Marli Wright

Anxiety seems like a joke;
But unless you experience it, you never truly know.
It hurts, captures, consumes your soul, and you never know when it will start to show.
Sure, I look fine. My appearance isn’t affected. Maybe just some bags under my eyes, nothing makeup can’t cover.
You don’t understand the pit in my stomach, the lump in my throat, the shaking within my body.
Anxiety… invisible to you, but I feel it. Every time a child cries out for their mommy, a piece of my soul withers. You can’t see the hurt behind my eyes, the relentless voices in my head I can’t shake.
Yet you call me strong? Strong for hiding how I really feel? I want to scream, “Why can’t I have my baby!?”
Instead, there’s a faint smile, a nod of my head, and you think I’m okay.
You don’t see the walls closing in. You don’t feel the pressure of your expectations and disapproving glances. I see the disappointment in your eyes, pulling me down faster than any sinking stone. I’m drowning in sorrow, with no lifeboat in sight.
Anxiety – once mocked as fake, now I can’t unsee your ugly face. Normalcy feels like a distant dream I once lived. But you think I’m fine again. I’m not fine! Can’t you see? Oh, it’s because I’m a good actor, playing the “helpless” warrior, Act 3: page 10.

I gave myself a goal and tried to meet it,
And then I had roadblock.
I had a desire and tried to feed it,
But my hunger continued to rise.
I’m uneasy because I’m stuck in an ambitious mind,
However the same mind plays tricks on me.
Who’s in charge up there?
Are you mocking me?
Do we not share the same goals?
Fatigue of the body is stressful.
Fatigue of the mind is crippling.
I have both.
Motivation is deep inside me,
Oh how I love to feel passion spark a match.
My dreamy eyes and eager intents equate
to a child receiving five singles.
Richness.
I allow myself the space to breath,
But the gap keeps getting wider and the breaths are uneven.
When will I get up and go for it?
How do I do that now?
I’m so tired of the repetition,
Get me out of this miserable routine.
I’ll reset the goal and try to meet it.
I’ll feed the desire again, and again,
And again.
Will I arrive at my destination?
Good question. Let’s see.

The human brain is unique in that it has the ability to process and appreciate what is and what isn’t. Both tasks capable of being done efficiently and meticulously. It’s what we ask of it.

Escapism is an exercise that always existed and is ever so evolving.

Right from a baby engaging in role play with dolls or a teen skimming through the pages of a fairy tale/ fantasy book upto the adult lost in the alternate verse of social media, humans are innately equipped to use this very powerful mechanism to get to where they want to be and away from where they think they don’t need to be.

Television , internet, travel, books or even
yogic meditation are just tools we utilize to temporarily mute all that is mundane in our lives, as and when we please.
There is no shame in.
This coping and calming exercise can be healthy and benefitting. It can bring calm , joy, relieve stress and improve mental well being in general.. Letting those imaginations loose can also be supremely motivating. There is no greater motivator than a picturing a better version of oneself. The benefits of this exercise begin to fade only when escapism leads to delusion. Losing one self for long in what is not may lead to procastination, setting of unrealistic goals and establishment of a false sense of acheivement.
Overall , I beleive life in that middle earth is beautiful.
After all isn’t that what the age old practise of mindful meditation propagated to acheive? Immersing and assimilating oneself in a non-existent and intangible setting?
Personally i love my temporary stints in Lalaland. Books and music get me there fairly quick . In fact I think I am my best version in that space. Staying a little outta sync with reality helps me rediscover and recover. It’s cheap therapy to me.
Helps me get to a place of no judgements , no rules , no commitments , no obligations and certainly no boundaries while allowing me to be vulnerable and naive.
It’s that solo must do gig that needs no buddy.

For life is always going to be waiting for you once you get back..In all its unrealistic glory.

Why are you??? Would you rather??? Do you??? You choose… We have to talk later… I don’t like… Can you???
Just SOME of the phrases that give me anxiety
Anxiety
Palms sweaty, words cluster or rather, how do I speak?
Is your mouth dry? *smacks tongue* My mouth is so dry it taste funny
I should ask for a beverage but it feels like I’ll pass out if I stand up
How do I stand up? My legs are numb!
Am I even breathing?
Okay, let’s just shut my eyes and take a deep breath then I’ll feel better
WAIT!!
I can’t be aware of my surroundings if my eyes are closed
They flutter right back open
I look around
Why are all of these people looking at me? Do I look funny? Is my hair okay? I got a new pimple? A booger?
Ugh, I miss our masks. Social distancing, please bring that back
Has my leg been shaking this whole time?
I didn’t even notice I was sweating.. ALOT!
Do I stink? My face is actually really hot
I already know I’m probably red
I feel my heart banging against my chest
Damn!
I JUST got myself better from feeling depressed!
Racing thoughts
Its a boxing fight in my head for the belt
Anxiety vs Depression
I’m getting so dizzy and starting to see spots
Sometimes I wish people knew the truth
The truth is ugly
I was so down and blue I couldn’t even clean my room let alone my house
I couldn’t eat for months, no appetite would last
Even just to shower was such a task
This battle is nonstop
A mental war we all have in a way
Yet at the word mental you all turn away
Or make rude, insensitive comments
“You choose to be that way, get over it,other people have it worse”
Can we just stop this curse?
And start a whole new world
With a whole new verse
One where we accept each other with open arms
Arms that won’t end up suffocating you
Whether it’s with love or with envy
Listen to me, don’t judge.
Respect my wishes, and love me unconditionally with no strings attached
Show me your real you and I’ll show you me
Breathe into me and I’ll breathe into you
And together we’ll live peacefully

The Art of Growth

Stagnant. Dormant. Idle. Sluggish.
All feelings of a pace I’ve gotten too familiar with.
I’m in a courtship with anxiety,
And an engagement with depression.
Yet, these are two relationships I don’t want to be a part of.

Reflect. Ponder. Meditate. Think.
These daily reminders ping in my head.
Telling me to give myself a break, take it easy, let it out and let it go.
But they only stay for the moment, and then I forget to be kind to myself.

I wonder what being 30 is like for others.
I wonder what being 30 is like for me.
Am I behind? Am I lost? Is this okay?

I reflect on how everyone is moving at their own pace.
I ponder over how far I’ve come, yet how short of a time I’ve been around.
I meditate on how there’s no such thing as behind, because this is my version of now.
I think about how being lost isn’t a bad thing. It’s an opportunity to learn.
It’s okay. I’ll be okay. And that’s the art of growth.

I want to try this again
The more I learn about who I am becoming
Making this a part of my routine
As I continue going day by day
To figure out the best version of myself
So let’s begin
Who am I?
I carry a big heart
One that can often be misused from those that surround me.
I do not put that shield on it.
I trust with the plan God already has made for me—
I am just living that piece of it.
I have goals
Ambitions
Dreams
All which one day I will succeed.
I am still so young
There’s a whole life ahead.
Yes I will get things wrong
It may not look like I know what I am doing
That is okay though
It is just going to build me.
I trust myself
I see my beauty within
Even if it’s not on a day to day.
I know who I can and want to be
So for right now I am just loving me.
I am grateful for the life that I carry
And who I am becoming.
Each day this is making me who I am
And I cannot be more proud of that.

I keep being told that I’m too hurt right now;
However, I was for a long time.
In my time with you I lost myself—
to the point where I did not know who I was looking into a mirror.
I started to notice those signs while we were collided.
The fighting—over stuff that should not have been a thing—
All because I’m an “over-thinker” but I think you made me that way.
I could recite a conversation with us from the back of my head—
That’s because we were predictable—
Or what we would do when with one another— all points too—predictable.
I took a step back in our time together to see if it was me losing my mind or if it was caused by you.
I’ll be honest—I was hurt for 6 to 7 months before I called it over.
You had no idea though for parts—even though you should’ve because I was repeating myself time and time again.
Now that I’m free I live for me—
I’m happier now—
I work out—
I write—
I don’t plan shit out—
I don’t have a dress code—even though you said I could always wear whatever I wanted to but that was not the case.
I moved on while being in our shit show.
You were too blind to notice—
The pain I was enduring—
Too busy playing video games—
Leaving me in the shadows during our time.
You taught me some valuable life lessons—
ones that I will take with me.
Thank you for showing what I want in life—
Maybe one day our paths will collide but I’m stating that time from forever is done.
Thank you for the memories and the many things you have taught me throughout my high-school life—then allowing me in college to learn what I could not learn before we broke apart.
I’m appreciative of everything you have taught me throughout our time together—
You will be someone my future children hear about due to the amount of experiences we share.
But overall thank you for showing me what I need to look for in life.
You are no longer the thought that races the back of my head— I am free from you and all the pain you put me through.
I am not hurting—she was a while back—now I am living the life I deserve—I would not do anything to change that.