the clockmaker’s bride

they can’t go where i go,
they can’t see what i see,
they don’t know what i know,
that can’t be what i be//i believe i’ve been living for myself- i have been living for life.

knowledge that belongs to you will find you.
what’s yours will come to you.
the focus on the future blinds you from the opportunities you are surrounded with today.
you would not be in this space if you weren’t wanted.

so why do i feel like you’re trying to prove yourself? your worth?
what is there to earn//i have nothing to give
are you entitled to the approval of others//are you too ashamed of your experiences to approve of yourself?

is it your experiences that make you, you?
is it your beliefs that makes you, you?
is it your actions that makes you, you?
what is there in the world that you claim as the creation of others//i claim that which i create
i don’t know.
i have no clue to be entirely honest.
consider this: am i what you decide to call me, or am i what i say i am because i’ve decided to be?

in one way or another, existence supposes definition,
you are something to someone, even if that someone is the ground you walk on. the plant life you trample over with the careless entitlement to destroy.
are you going to allow yourself to be defined?

frankenstein’s monster. he does not have a name because his creator never gave him one. although he could decide to name himself and shape his own identity, he could never cut the ties that bind to his father. the bond is why you seek approval. the bond is why apathy is worse than disapproval; those who are not acknowledged are the ones that destroy. you need to be responsible for everything you create, whether it be art, technology, literature, or life.

never give your creations to the world to be defined by the world,
they will never deserve what you are.
in approval or disapproval, acknowledge what you’ve done.
thank accountability for it,
take ownership of it,
the way every influence in your life have taken ownership of you,
how they’ve taken care of you,
how they’ve hurt you,
remember how you felt,
remember the feeling,
some people have nothing to feel,
i implore you to be intentional in your interactions with others//be intentional about how you make them feel,
how you make yourself feel.
you may be the reason someone in this world is lonely,
remember how you’ve felt in the deepest chasm of your limitless,
to whom/what you wanted to take ownership of it,
your friends, your parents, your lover, yourself, your gods?
now think of who you are to others, a friend known for being reliable, a child known for being grateful, a lover known for making someone feel whole, a creation grateful for who’s grateful for being created?
privileged.
who are you to abandon what you’ve created.

“i know all about the pain that you go through” – Gustav Ahr

Feeling a Lil restless,
I want to spend more time.
Doing other things,
So sometimes I would rest less.
In the moment I could care less
Until that restlessness kicks in.
Sometimes I think, that’s the best rest.
Laying in bed falling asleep
almost instantaneously,
No mind wandering, no worries
Or nothing.
Mind arrested on getting some rest.
A rested mind Awakens the divine.

It began on a cold January day,
When my father’s soul was called away.
A part of me shattered, a piece was lost,
A pain so deep, it came at a cost.

I was finding myself, a path so clear,
Losing weight, routines I held dear.
Yet his passing left me stuck in time,
Trapped in grief’s unyielding climb.

I buried the pain, went back to the grind,
Work became the shelter for my mind.
Two weeks later, I stood so strong,
But my heart knew something was wrong.

I ended love with a heavy heart,
The first who loved me from the start.
Then stumbled into arms not true,
Grief hid the pain I never worked through.

December came, a cruel, dark plight,
My prayed-for baby lost in the night.
I woke to emptiness deep inside,
And once again, I let work collide.

A prison filled with chaos and strife,
I hid my wounds in the noise of life.
My uncle passed; I worked again,
Ignoring the ache that wouldn’t end.

But this year, God had other plans,
He placed me still in His guiding hands.
Isolation forced my soul to see,
The grief I buried lived in me.

I ended love that wasn’t pure,
Set boundaries strong, began to endure.
Day by day, the healing grows,
Progress comes, though the journey’s slow.

I am learning to feel, to grieve, to cope,
To find in sorrow a seed of hope.
Though the pain is great, I see the light,
Step by step, I reclaim my fight.

For grief may linger, but I am strong,
In my heart, my father’s love lives on.
Through every loss, I rise anew,
Healing, growing, becoming true.

Through storms and shadows, I’ve walked this path,
Enduring the cruelty, enduring the wrath.
Bullied in silence, torn apart inside,
Yet I stood tall, with God as my guide.

Called names that cut, bruised by their words,
Misunderstood like a song unheard.
They mocked how I learn, how my mind is wired,
But their taunts could never steal what I’ve aspired.

Through autism’s lens, I see the world,
With ADHD, my thoughts have swirled.
Yet in my chaos, I found my grace,
Smiling through tears, I embraced my place.

A mother of two, with love as my shield,
Through sleepless nights, I refused to yield.
In a prison’s walls, where stress runs high,
I worked, I thrived, beneath a burdened sky.

They called me ugly, tried to dim my light,
But I held on, I fought the fight.
I didn’t give up, I rose from the pain,
Like flowers that bloom after the rain.

Dear me, you are beauty, you are strength,
Your heart beats bold, at any length.
For women like you, who feel unseen,
You’ve proven to be their radiant queen.

Grateful I stand, for the woman I’ve grown,
Resilient, unbroken, I’ve made life my own.
Through faith and fire, I’ve learned to see,
The endless power that lies in me.

Dear me,

You may be younger and think you are wiser but think again. Life will humble you quicker than quick sand. You are not mature or grown and life didn’t make you have thick skin, but rather it made you dull and hide pieces of yourself. It made it harder to try in finding who you were but deep down you already knew. You are young, vibrant, funny and full of life. You care too much and that is okay. You knew who you were and others hated seeing you shine. As you grew, your star got duller and duller but when it was the darkest, it still managed to brighten everything and everyone around them. When you were at your lowest the tides grew high but you always managed to swim to shore. You may be young now but you are brave. Don’t loose sight and always keep shinning because you are my north star. Love you deeply, always your older self.

The world collapsed in
As I slept-
The rug fell out
While I wept.
The smiles got brighter
The more I met
But the world still collpased-
In on me and it’s very self.

I held for hope,
Held it until I couldn’t breathe.

Waited for an outstretched hand,
I hoped they’d know my name.
The world collapsed in,
While I slept
Into slumber- I crept..

The universe became a hole
As I wept.

Writing about the way
Life presents us with a chance
Or an opportunity.
I would be, exited! depending
On its meaning or what could
I benefit from the chance of
This opportunity.
The path I’m taking has come to
A “V” as I walk away from
That chance and head towards
Other opportunities.

Tell me all your secrets and you will be set free
Listen to my mournful song of the siren sea
For it is not those who have been lost, but those who have been found
Hear my voice and you will find a solace in its sound

I promise you a lifetime of treasure and opulence
Fear me not, for I see the future and hence –
Your time has come to be the king of the shadow realm
Jump in with me and leave your past life at the helm

Down and down we go to the darkest of the blue
Sing my song and let its words envelop you
Spill your dreams and let me feast on your memories
Let me fuel your conscience and keep your mind at ease

Drink in the sea or I will haunt you forever more
It be your choice for coming here, knocking on death’s door
Your soul is mine and I rejoice to kill once again
The siren’s song means that I hold the key to your life’s end

So when you hear the sounds of a woman crying out
Stay on your ship, lest death will bring about
The wayward man who doesn’t want to go to sleep
I’ll drag you down to my humble home in the deep

Walking this Earth,
Taking the (E and h)
Out. Creating “Art”
Then ill rearrange the letters,
Putting the “h” in front,
As I leave a piece of my
“Heart” here on this Earth.

I love my dogs,
I really really do…
But there are some aspects,
like when you take a back-step,
and wind up stepping in pooh!

They chew, they bite,
they scratch, they knaw.
When you’re watching a movie,
they’re licking their paw!

You’re sitting at the table,
waiting for dinner to start,
when along comes your dog,
and lets out a fart!

You all start gagging,
and gasping for air.
His tail starts wagging,
He doesn’t even care!

When you meet new friends,
and go to their door.
Your dog walks in,
and pees on the floor!

They dig, they shed,
they claw, they shred.
They get in your laundry,
and make their bed!

With all that they break,
and all they destroy,
they’re still the best little girls,
and good little boys.

When you come home,
from a long hard day,
they’re always right there,
and ready to play.

They love us so good.
They love us so well.
Even when our world,
is going to hell.

When my heart is broken,
and the tears start to flow,
I run to your shoulder,
and let it all go.

You won’t be here forever,
so I try to make it the best.
I focus on the good things,
and forget about the rest.

Whenever our bond is broken,
I know it always will mend.
That’s why they call you,
“Man’s Best Friend”.

You may call me a freak,
But I prefer unique.
You may think my thoughts strange,
But at least I’m not deranged.
So let me explain
Why weird is better than plain.

While others follow the herd,
I fly off like a bird,
Forging my own route
Where my dreams can sprout.
The path may be rougher,
But it’ll only make me tougher.

Alone you may find me.
Though lonely I will never be
For I am friends with the best,
The beasts, and bees, and all the rest
Who don’t ever mind
That I am different than their kind.

Uninhibited, but aware,
I slip through the snare
That society has laid to trap,
Baited with shiny, useless crap,
To keep us caught in the machine.
Shedding social mores, I flee the scene.

Travelling far and wide
I’ve found others on my side.
They do not talk or dress like me,
But they, too, long to be free.
Together our mix-match crew
Form fine families anew.

So, you see, in the end
I will not break or bend
For fitting in is not my worry,
Nor am I sad or sorry
About those who’ve shut me out.
It’s their loss only, without a doubt.

How do I weave these words without a stir,
When fate and I engage in a silent war?
Who shall bend, who shall break,
In this quest for love, for dreams that wake?

Forever I thought, we’d be side by side,
For without you, my heart cannot abide.
But love, elusive, a cruel friend to me,
Fate clings tight while I seek to be free.

In shadows of doubt, my faith slipped away,
Mankind fractured the fairytale I’d play.
Yet a whisper urged me to pause, to refrain,
To gather my strength, to rise once again.

Before I speak to the one I adore,
May I pen you this letter, a wish to explore?
How do I express this without causing fear,
When all I hold dear is right here, near?

Once a believer, now lost in despair,
As the years turned cold, I paused to repair.
Yet in all the chaos, your love shines bright,
A shield for my heart, a guiding light.

She sees me, all of me, calls me to stay,
To turn from the fear that might lead me astray.
With devotion, I stand, no trespass intended,
Ask for your heart, a journey unended.

If I must depart, I promise, I swear,
Your heart will be tender, beyond all compare.
I fear not the path that love leads me down,
For with you, my darling, I’ve found solid ground.

When you know, you know; I spoke with my fate,
Not just a dream, but my future awaits.
Eager to share this life, hand in hand,
With Heaven above, blessing our land.

Pride laid aside, with desires fulfilled,
In your radiant presence, my heart’s gently thrilled.
Every want and every need, no longer concealed,
I’m enraptured by you, our bond revealed.

Breathtaking and brilliant, both heart and mind,
I pinch myself daily, in awe of the find.
Is this love, this wonder, beneath my feet?
A reality blossoming, beautifully sweet.

So here’s to the journey as I’ve fallen anew,
All fears that once haunted have melted from view.
For she sees all of me, and I wish to stay,
As love blooms between us, come what may.

What you see is what you get.
If I’m showing interest
You probably feel it,
If Im ignoring, you’ve
Lost my interest.
I’m no longer seeking
Another relationship.
I’m now looking for my “best friend”
As she will do all the goofey
Things laugh and play,
Argue and disagree
while still remaining
A friend in need.
That’s the only relationship
I’m looking for.
What you see is what you get.
Somedayz I’m confident,
Other’s seem like auto pilot.
Somedayz I’m quiet,
Stuck in my thoughts
Lost in my head
Probably feeling a Lil depressed.
Somedayz I’m happy As can be
Feeling like,
Nothing can bother me.
And there are
Somedayz that I could feel
All of these feelings.
What you see is what you get.

The current weight of the state, that I left me in; almost done me in.. How did I get here, AGAIN?! Ah, I see.. I lost the traction to believe – in ME; Not the ‘me’ imprisoned by fear, failure and lack; but the young one, tucked way deep down in the back.. The back of mind, heart and core; laced up with ribbons of dysfunction, pain and trauma from all the years before; Her voice ever softened crying out for solace- HELP ME! I plead.. save me from this space – place seeded in me – help me escape this world- this construct; empty and fake. I can feel the echoes of her small trembling voice reverberating in my ears; “Why can’t I be like my peers?” Heart and eyes swelling with tears.. arms outstretched longing for someone to hold me, console me; not scold the the unsalved bits of my soul.. It’s deafening and it’s taking it toll; pushing with a force, a steady strength and pace.. ever inching to the ledge; the edge of my escape or fate? Then I hear it, my voice of most high ”Remember who you are! You will not roll over, give up, throw in the towel or say goodbye! For salvation, peace and true freedom is nigh.. Your work here isn’t finished, there’s still so much left for you to do; You my sweet child have NOTHING TO PROVE! Just share your truth.” Here is the secret to dismantle the chaos: When you’re standing with your back against the wall; looking into the eyes of those awaiting your fall – release the breath you’re holding; dreading the notion of having to start again at a crawl.. Let the cards and mask, drop, fall where they must – without a whimper, tear or fuss; for you are not alone: and there ARE ones you can trust. Let them hear you my darling; for this is your calling! Can you hear me, my tribe? NO VOICE is too small; It’s why we have each other in this life; after all.
*With all my unconditional love, Shell*