Ciao 13 year old me,

Here’s an update from 2021!

We’ve been living in NYC for the past 6 years.
We live with our partner, whom we love in a way we never thought we’d be cable of.
We met him 4 years ago at a party we didn’t want to go to.
Every time we feel the urgency of trusting our intuition, we must do so.
Even when we’re too indecisive – which yes, we’re still very much so – please follow our gut. It’s what got us to New York, what made us grow in love and get where we are.
Always trust yourself, your feelings, your abilities.
We still have plenty of strength, but we did lose a bit of confidence along the way.
The few times we didn’t listen to our gut, life made sure to slap us in the face.
The roughest time was last summer.
It might be hard to believe, but a deadly global pandemic has been decimating the population since the beginning of 2020.
After 3 months of social isolation, we eventually escaped the City.
We went to Ohio to take in some nature.
One day, we went skateboarding in a park. After skating around, we reached a steep hill.
We hesitated.
Our gut told us to stop.
But we wanted to impress our partner and ourselves.
We are still very competitive and absurdly hard on ourselves.
So we decided to bypass our intuition.
We took a few steps down to quiet down the fear to then skate downhill.

The first memories are very chaotic.
We’re underwater. People are trying to talk to us from above, expecting us to respond.
Do you remember how we used to try to talk and sing underwater?
Same thing, only this time we are laying in a hospital bed.
We hit our head pretty bad. We weren’t wearing a helmet.
We were sedated after our brain had some internal bleeding and we subsequently had to bed put on a ventilator in the ICU. We were in the hospital for 5 days, than our partner took unconditional care of us at his parents’ house for a couple moths. It sounds absolutely horrifying, and it was, but don’t worry, we are going to be fine. But it’s still going to be the most challenging experience we lived so far.

We spent 25 years worrying about not being enough, not doing enough and trying incessantly fill that void.
After this accident, we are going to receive so much love.
An overwhelming and humbling horde of love. Which is going to make us realize that our life mattered so much to so many people.
So maybe we are enough.
And you are.
You are enough.
You are more than enough.

Eventually, our body is going to recuperate impressively fast. Which is going to be as encouraging as overwhelming, because all other cognitive symptoms caused by this brain injury – as well as our mental health – are going to take a very long time to recover. As the more apparent symptoms quiet down, people are going to inevitably move on, because the danger was escaped and we externally seem to be just fine. Unfortunately, this is going to make us feel extremely lonely and crazy.
It’s almost like being a teenager all over again.
Only this time it’s just in our head, I promise.
We kept holding on to gratefulness and our partners’s love, who understand us and loves us like anybody else.

Listen carefully though when I am telling you that we are not crazy.
You are not crazy.
We are a product of experiencing something absolutely crazy.

We are still addicted to validation, now actually more than ever, can you believe it?
We are constantly seeking for it. From everything and everyone.
However, what we’ve learn from this experience, is that we need to learn to validate ourselves. We are still struggling at it, but we are trying.
It took us to hit our head and not being around our family to be forced to learn how to take care of ourselves properly.
Learning to love ourselves properly.
Learning to prioritize ourselves.
Properly.
It’s hard. So hard.
We are a long way down.
But I can’t wait too see how worth it’s going to be.

Please do me a favor.
Keep doing whatever you’re doing.
Just add a bit more of faith in yourself.
Unapologetically. Authentically.
Your family is going to test you on it.
Schools are going to.
New York is going to.
This injury will.
This is the biggest test that life keeps us having to take over and over again.

I adore you.
Thank you for getting us where we are today.
I promise I am trying.
You deserve it.
And I want to believe I deserve it too.

Dearest lnner Child,

If you are reading this now it means that me and you have succeeded. We have succeeded in not letting the harsh realities of this seemingly cruel and tempestuous world diminish the pure light that resides within us. The light that has always been present during our darkest of days when the world was weary and the sky was grey. I must admit at times I was too blindsided to see that glimmer of hope which you bestowed upon me. You have always been there, and for that I am grateful.

I know your silence, and all the things you’ve ever been too afraid to say, or was that me? Anyway, you never could hide anything from me, nor I you! And I kind of liked it that way. That’s why I’ve come back, I had to find you again, and offer you an invitation to learn everything I have experienced living amongst the future.

The future is not such a bad place, for the most part. Technologies have advanced to such an extent that they dominate the way in which we live, learn and love. Which I’m sure comes as no surprise. There is an over flux of antiquated personality types still out there though, who are determined to keep the old out-dated belief systems in play. However, as the years pass and new technologies overturn their use,  their power diminishes. Giving way to a new breed of equally determined Ideologists, who are STEM focused, making their way towards the front of the illusive barriers.

A new age dawns upon man, and whether he likes it or not, change is imminent . Nothing remains the same forever, so be prepared, and please learn to bend a little, it will make way for a much easier ride, you’ll see!  Whatever you decide, never allow yourself to become stagnant for too long, one season is quite sufficient.

A degree of uncertainty travels through the various camps during such times. Those in positions of authority become desperate, feeding on human insecurities in order to claw back some form of control. This should not concern you, as long as you hold on to the ideal of being your true authentic self, there really is nothing for you to fear.

I have no doubt that mistakes will be made along the way, god knows I’ve made a few. But when you come to understand as I have, that mistakes are an intricate design embedded within all human species. You will learn to welcome these supposed mistakes as an opportunity to reflect, and assess whether or not the choices you’ve made thus far have led you onto a path of knowing. Knowing what it is you really want from this life, or not? And if not, then try not to waste time hesitating, and strike up a new plan of action, and go for it!. I’m telling you this because one of the biggest mistakes I ever made was thinking I was stuck living in the same hopeless situation with a man who didn’t treat me right, because I failed to recognise my own self-worth, inevitably staying longer than I should. Press repeat on that one a few times, different faces, same narrative, you get the picture. I’ve grown a little wiser on that front, thankfully.

The main thing holding us back was the belief that we weren’t deserving of a better life!

That somehow, we weren’t good enough,  and that’s why we never managed to fit in anywhere. When the simple truth is, we weren’t made to fit in. We were born to push the boundaries of perception, the perceived norms of acceptance, by being our weird and wonderful selves! What’s not to love?

We can’t afford to let ourselves become distracted by the outside noise, or to be shamed into being anything other than who we truly are, not for or by anyone.

The harder I tried to fit in the more pieces of the perplexed jigsaw puzzle appeared to go astray, And the more downtrodden I felt, causing our mind to run riot with insurmountable insecurity and self-doubt, dimming the light of our child-like ways, which I now cherish more than ever. As it is the child within that connects us, that stops us repressing how we feel, that doesn’t hold us back and embraces our tears.  That urges us to take extra care of ourselves, to love without condition. That free’s our imagination in its entirety. Inspiring us to explore all the wonderful possibilities that life has to offer, no matter where we might happen to find ourselves in this big wide world.

Now remember, you are that Child. Made out of the same stuff as stars, born to shine, and shine you shall.

I believe in you.

Heart of gold but a mouth sharp, led by a mother whose depraved childhood was her fatal flaw. Wise but sometimes cold, taught by a father who found peace with the emotionless demons. It’s not easy to think about all the things I want to say to you because you were always someone who walked to the beat of your own drum. Those drums have been sharp and bold, as well as soft and gentle, and as time passed it changed to sometimes melancholic and quiet. Your drum at one point stopped thumping and turned into a silent audience. A drum grown tired of being the black sheep, a drum that would rather sit in a stadium alone than to turn into another follower of the marching band. There are a few fundamental truths that I want you to know because as time passes, and you grow, you will learn that the world is far more complex than the playgrounds you once stood on and that people are far more disturbing than the usual school yard drama.

You will see that those in which you share blood can become the sharpest knives in your kitchen and even though they will defend you, and care for you, they can also hurt you and leave you with scratches. I don’t mean to frighten you but this is just the reality of living in a world designed for people who don’t look and move like you. You will see that when you are built to move differently people will start to look at you funny and that creative outlets will be your safe haven, but don’t be too hard on yourself. I say this now because I know later you become a perfectionist and become the master of self sabotage.

You will learn that the systems we function in are flawed and to change those flaws would mean a lifetime or two of dedicated resistance. It would mean tearing apart a foundation and making a whole new blueprint. In time you will learn that identity runs deeper than the surface of the skin, and you may not understand it all right now but later you will dive deeper in what it means to be “you” which will be easier to accept than both of us could either imagine. Beyond the valleys of mistakes and lessons you will learn as you progress through life, that pain is more than the cuts and bruises of falling too hard in the schoolyard; pain comes as a result of harsh words and rejection. You will see that one song can make a world of difference in a time filled with sickness and doubt. Those songs will become both your heartache and your savior when they play heart shaking melodies and lyrics that hit too close to home. You will see that true emptiness isn’t always found in an empty stomach. Sometimes it’s waking up and seeing the ghost of people who no longer can sit with you. You will realize that a year or two can feel like a lifetime when nothing is going right and I’d like to tell you it gets better but really it just gets manageable.

You will find that friends are not always friends but sometimes they are seekers that forget the values of give and take, so when they take they might take a little too much of you and that’s okay because that is when you will learn boundaries. These lines will become your inner peace and they will become the catalyst to learning how to fill into your own cup first before We fill into anyone else’s. The stories of so many people dear to you will be filled with thorns and barbed wire and it will shake you to your core, but it will also reignite a fire in you that you lost somewhere along the blurred lines of growing and existing in a complex world. That drum that lost its rhythm with the growing pains of life starts to thump again just a little and it will continue to grow until this very moment. You will grow into yourself after being met with a lot of challenges and a lot of unlearning of complacency. The losses will be just as great as the gains and you will do more than just survive. You, We, will learn what it means to thrive, and we will take nothing less.

This is an open letter made for You, and Me and Us and We and All the in betweens because this is something we’ve always needed.

To the younger generation coming up

My name is Brian and I’m 37 years old and I’m writing to the younger generation coming up, especially my little boy who is 8 years old. I had a great childhood with two parents, siblings and family that loved me and supported me in what I wanted to do. I grew up in Cleveland, Ohio (I live in North Carolina now) and loved it there. Tough winters to get thru of course. The spring and summer after the harsh winter was so worth it. We knew spring was coming when baseball season was starting.

Brian as a child

Speaking of baseball, I wish I would’ve played in school. I thought about doing it, but I never pushed myself to do it. I might be sitting right now in a huge house with two cars and waiting on spring training. I might’ve just been coming off a World Series win. That is one regret that I have about my life. But maybe it wasn’t meant to be that way, me playing baseball. I played a few sports in school, don’t get me wrong, I just wish I would’ve kept going.

I was a really shy kid and I didn’t often socialize very much with my friends outside of school. I was really focused on school stuff, which of course is not a bad thing at all because you need your education. It is really important, stay in school no matter what! It pays off the older you get. More jobs and more money. Do the best that you can because like I said, it pays off in the end. I had a great time in school. My friends were the best. We’ve all grown up and grown apart, but with the advent of social media we can connect and talk to one another. That is really important also.

Develop your friendships and make connections everywhere in your life. It will help you immensely because there are going to be hard times. I’ve been thru a lot of them. Life is tough and hard to understand at times. If you just try to process everything that is happening, be happy or grieve, you will be able to deal with anything that comes your way. If you have great friends who will listen to you and give you advice, it will help you so much more. My friends that I have now are exactly who I need. I love them and I would do anything for them. I can go to them and they can come to me for help and advice. You never know when you are going to need it. Everyone falls on hard times. Some more than others. Just be kind because you never know what another person is going thru

I don’t know if I would have made it thru those hard times if I didn’t have them. It is so important to make connections. Yes, I know I am shy and I’m sure there are other shy people reading this letter, but if you take the time to get comfortable with people you will open up and begin to make a connection with them. It is so important to be kind to people and if you are able to help them in any way, do it because you both will be rewarded.

We don’t have a lot of time on Earth some of us, but while we are here, we have to make the most of it and help our fellow humans and fill the world with love. We need more of that, we do.

Dear Little Olivia,

I’m sorry I didn’t put you first. I’m sorry I didn’t choose you every single time because you are so worthy of a safe, healthy, valuable love. I guess every great story starts off with that one simple line… I met this guy/girl. The problem with that was, I found him and lost me. I suppose I’ve always been attracted to broken birds and perhaps I thought enough honey could cure the sting of that buzzing bee but boy was I wrong! Turns out we can’t fix anyone. In fact, the only one who can transform the heart of a man or a woman is God.

My name is Olivia Summer Hutcherson and I am a 32 year old hopeless romantic. I am a 3X cancer survivor and metastatic thriver plus a dancer, singer, poet, published author and lover of life. I adore human connection and all that that means. I enjoy sharing my art and heart out there on the New York scene. I have made a million and one mistakes and am still learning every day but the few things that I have gathered along the way are yours to take.

Putting God first in all that you do is key to a peaceful and successful life. Having a relationship with the Lord does not mean that problems will not arise but He will give you the grace and strength to get through it all. I have learned this from personal experience time and time again and can honestly say that Jesus is my best friend.

On that note, He has taught me to be a lot kinder to myself. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that we are all masterpieces created in His image. That means that every single person on this planet has a unique design and divine purpose over their life. There are no two fingerprints, minds, souls, or hearts exactly alike. I wish I would have embraced this more in my youth because I was very consumed with the comparison game and there is absolutely no need for that because it is clear that God created each individual with a special calling on their life that is connected to their gifts.

We must learn to build one another up. This includes ourselves, our friends, our family members, our co-workers and even strangers. Life is challenging enough so each day I make a conscious decision to speak kindly to myself and speak life into my situations. Every cell in our body is listening to the messaging coming out of our mouth. Get into the habit of thanking your body for getting you through the days, focus on the good and try not to compare.

Stay active no matter what. I used to dance 6 hours a day and now I go for nature walks but the point is that I keep moving forward.

Feelings are like visitors. Let them come, sit, have tea and visit but do not allow them to stay. Another way I have heard it put is that every rainstorm runs out of rain eventually. Cry when you need to cry, laugh when you need to laugh, be quiet when there is nothing to say, etc… If it comes let it, if it goes let it. Just don’t stay there.

Surrender that which you can’t control. Get on your knees, lift up your hands and sing when you feel like crying. There is no substitute for good old fashioned worship. Even if your voice shakes or you can only muster whispering the words. Declaring the promises of God over your life is a weapon. Releasing the pain is part of the healing process. Sometimes we just have to let it

Make time to have a little fun. Each day carve out a moment to smile. It can be the smallest thing like having ice cream or going for a bike ride with your best friend but whatever it is… be in the moment. Time is passing us by faster than the speed of light and if we don’t make time to enjoy the journey then one day we’ll look back and wonder what it was all for? Take little pauses for you along the way.

Last but not least forgive anyone who may have hurt you and take it a step further, pray for them. Hurt people, hurt people. Forgiveness is not for them, it’s for you. Get in and pull the roots out so they don’t have a hold on you anymore. You deserve freedom, you deserve peace, you deserve the love you so freely give and in case no one has told you lately….God loves you and so do I. You have always been 1st place to Him.

Love,