To the two who have left us to dance among the stars,

I’ve linked a piece of you around my neck in place of half my heart, but half my heart became the whole leaving me with a hollow chest and 2 pendants. I’ve lost the two most important people in my life in the matter of months leaving me in pieces and no one ever tells you that even when you come to speak of people you care so much about in past tense, you forever talk about grief in its present moments. No one ever prepares you for the moment when all the numbing shock fades away and you are left with the emotional damage that shakes you to core.

I understand it was time you both found a home in a different galaxy, but the heartache remains the same. I never knew what missing someone truly meant until I had no one to go to when I needed answers. I did not know what true grievance felt like until I could no longer share my accomplishments because it doesn’t feel the same when those people are not your foundation.

However even though the grievance never fades, I find myself stepping into the rhythmic steps of the ones who walked before me. I see both of you in the songs that I sing, and I carry you both in the way that I speak, for I am your new beginning in a different vessel. A matriarch has fallen only to leave her spirit in the children she’s left behind. As I walk in your shoes, even though they don’t quite fit the same; A little wide, bold and no shame, but I step into them still and continue the teachings you’ve taught me. I tell your stories to those who will listen and when I go out I dress to perfection to honor you. I adopt your boldness and come with confidence because even though a Queen has been laid to rest, we are the next in line to represent the throne. For those who come after us will someday, too, have to continue our legacy.

A Patriarch has fallen only to leave his wisdom in the heirs he’s left behind. I walk in these shoes as well, but they don’t quite fit the same. Too large and a little heavy but I step into them still as I continue the love you always showed me. I adopt your love language of giving and make sure those who surround me know that in my quiet, that means they are safe and I am comfortable the way you always did for me. I adopt your work ethic, for I do not know what it means to work half-assed. I give it my all or I give nothing at all for that is what you showed me. I continue to learn and research and analyze just like you taught me because even though a King has been laid to sleep, his descendants are next in line to continue his work. For those who come after us will have to continue the research.

I keep you guys close by speaking your truth and I keep you both safe by saying your names. Thank you for all that you’ve done and continue to do even beyond your physical selves. For that is the true legacy of a loved one.

Love Deeply,

Your Youngest Daughter

Heart of gold but a mouth sharp, led by a mother whose depraved childhood was her fatal flaw. Wise but sometimes cold, taught by a father who found peace with the emotionless demons. It’s not easy to think about all the things I want to say to you because you were always someone who walked to the beat of your own drum. Those drums have been sharp and bold, as well as soft and gentle, and as time passed it changed to sometimes melancholic and quiet. Your drum at one point stopped thumping and turned into a silent audience. A drum grown tired of being the black sheep, a drum that would rather sit in a stadium alone than to turn into another follower of the marching band. There are a few fundamental truths that I want you to know because as time passes, and you grow, you will learn that the world is far more complex than the playgrounds you once stood on and that people are far more disturbing than the usual school yard drama.

You will see that those in which you share blood can become the sharpest knives in your kitchen and even though they will defend you, and care for you, they can also hurt you and leave you with scratches. I don’t mean to frighten you but this is just the reality of living in a world designed for people who don’t look and move like you. You will see that when you are built to move differently people will start to look at you funny and that creative outlets will be your safe haven, but don’t be too hard on yourself. I say this now because I know later you become a perfectionist and become the master of self sabotage.

You will learn that the systems we function in are flawed and to change those flaws would mean a lifetime or two of dedicated resistance. It would mean tearing apart a foundation and making a whole new blueprint. In time you will learn that identity runs deeper than the surface of the skin, and you may not understand it all right now but later you will dive deeper in what it means to be “you” which will be easier to accept than both of us could either imagine. Beyond the valleys of mistakes and lessons you will learn as you progress through life, that pain is more than the cuts and bruises of falling too hard in the schoolyard; pain comes as a result of harsh words and rejection. You will see that one song can make a world of difference in a time filled with sickness and doubt. Those songs will become both your heartache and your savior when they play heart shaking melodies and lyrics that hit too close to home. You will see that true emptiness isn’t always found in an empty stomach. Sometimes it’s waking up and seeing the ghost of people who no longer can sit with you. You will realize that a year or two can feel like a lifetime when nothing is going right and I’d like to tell you it gets better but really it just gets manageable.

You will find that friends are not always friends but sometimes they are seekers that forget the values of give and take, so when they take they might take a little too much of you and that’s okay because that is when you will learn boundaries. These lines will become your inner peace and they will become the catalyst to learning how to fill into your own cup first before We fill into anyone else’s. The stories of so many people dear to you will be filled with thorns and barbed wire and it will shake you to your core, but it will also reignite a fire in you that you lost somewhere along the blurred lines of growing and existing in a complex world. That drum that lost its rhythm with the growing pains of life starts to thump again just a little and it will continue to grow until this very moment. You will grow into yourself after being met with a lot of challenges and a lot of unlearning of complacency. The losses will be just as great as the gains and you will do more than just survive. You, We, will learn what it means to thrive, and we will take nothing less.

This is an open letter made for You, and Me and Us and We and All the in betweens because this is something we’ve always needed.