Dear loop repeating in my head,

You’re wrong. Not everyone hates me and wants me out of their lives. Not everyone thinks I’m a waste of space; some people love me. They do. Not everyone is here to hurt me or abandon me. You don’t know that; you just like to make me live in fear so that I keep you alive.
I don’t even know when I met you and you first started your track. When was that, anyway? At least a couple of decades ago, now that I’m 30. That’s a long time to be bothering someone, you know. That’s longer than the entire lifespan of a dwarf apple tree. Trees have lived and died and you’ve still been here torturing me for no good reason. I’m ridding myself of you for good this time.
You came to me when I was young and weak; you preyed on an innocent child and planted your roots so deep. I wish you were like that of the apple tree and just die off on your own, but I’ve learned you’re not leaving so easily. Too bad for you, I am so much stronger now than when we first met. You’ve seen me grow, I’ve watched you tremble, worrying if you were going to lose out on me. You wear a smug grin I’d imagine because all of those times before, somehow, you had risen victorious. That’s ending now, though. I have equipped myself with the armor of knowledge that is only going to grow stronger, a thicker skin so to speak that you can’t break through.
I’m learning of your origins, why you exist, and what probably manifested you because, let’s be honest, you’re just a nobody. You don’t exist but in my head. Let that sink in. By learning where you came from and why, I get to rewrite what I thought my “destiny” was — you know what that consists of. Here’s to erasing every bad thing you ever whispered to me when I walked into a room and heard people talking, to breaking down the walls you made me build before I even knew what I was doing. I will burn down your home in my mind until you are nothing but fictional dust and ashes with nowhere left to hide.
I am already beginning to build an army of allies, people I’ve let closer to me. They’re restoring something in me that I thought was long gone between friends: trust. I feel safe in their presence and free to be me. That same girl you always told wasn’t good enough, so no one would love her. Guess what, too? They said that they loved me. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t even know how to react at first to someone saying that from a role that wasn’t expected of them. They are choosing to love me and my friendship. Scared yet? You should be.
Let’s not forget my two amazing children and how they fill me with unfathomable and endless joy. Let’s view them as my helmets, as they are vital for my survival. You know them; you like to watch our daily interactions and pop up in my head at *just* the right time to tell me how I’ve messed up myself so I’ll surely mess them up, too. Or how maybe when they grow up, they won’t love me, either. When I think with as clear a mind as possible, though, removing your words from the equation, I realize how you couldn’t be more wrong. They love me; I see it all over their eyes, in the laughs that echo from their bellies and their endless desires for snuggles. Your days spent leeching off of me are through.
You seem to think that there’s still some hope left because there isn’t a weapon present here. Yet again, you’re wrong. Knowledge, peace, acceptance, faith, and love—love being the strongest—fill the sword that will plunge you into eternal death. Just a heads up, that weapon is me. Gone with you and the wreckage you made, the home you built, and the name you gave me: worthless.
Too bad for both of us, it didn’t happen sooner, but mostly too bad for you because you never really stood a chance.

I was always too strong of a competitor for you.

Good riddance.

PWA Style Score: 82%

What pushes us forward while keeping us grounded is often the place where our dreams were founded.
We hold them close to our chest hoping that they will propel us to our best,
We have chosen each because of the morals and values they teach.
Like feeling the sun on your skin and the fresh air you’re taking in will guide you to understand that in the grand scheme, these problems you face be that of a grain of sand.
Fortify your mind, for you will find that what you keep there will become your crosses to bear.
But don’t forget your physical self and put your body away on a shelf, allowing it to slip away until you find yourself beginning to fray.
Hold the people near who mean the most and lean on them when you fear you’re at the end of your rope.
Keep them close through the good and the bad, cherish the memories, and remember that social media perfectionism is a lying fad.
Your family, whether chosen or birth, truly love you to the ends of the earth, much further I’m sure if you ask them.
Be an example to them, for they look up to you but remember they want the you that is true.
Work towards that joy that blooms from inside, that’s so abundant, there’s no place for anger or lasting sadness to hide.
Set the boundaries when you need to because if you don’t, they will carelessly walk all over you.
Put your family you created before all others, and do what it takes to give them your best. Take care of them for that is where your future rests.
I’ve shared with you what keeps you moving because you’ve got a lot of thoughts continuously blooming.
This year brought a range of strong emotions but I would sail the entire ocean to cut the cord on toxic patterns and get back to focusing on what matters.
Cheers to 2025, may this be the year that I truly thrive.

To anyone who hears me,

The past can be beautiful, and inspiring, a trove of memories that you come back to visit on a rainy day. For some like me, the past can be dark, scary, and have such a strong pull that you remain in a cyclical pattern, becoming the worst version of yourself more with every tug.
The 13-year-old me first placed the blade on my skin, 21-year-old me made the deepest cuts that would last my lifetime. 14-year-old me took her first sip of alcohol, and 23-year-old me depended on that alcohol because she couldn’t see the opportunity for brighter days. 14-year-old me smoked her first cigarette and 24-year-old me couldn’t go an hour without one.
You see, I have a pattern of addiction tendencies. I would crave whatever would take the internal pain away, though that pain was only intensifying. I was self-destructive and lacked a love of life. I was empty, hopeless, and lost.
Until the fall of 2018. I had recently turned 24 and took a pregnancy test, though I wasn’t expecting much since they were always negative. To my surprise, this one was positive! I didn’t know that this would ever be possible for me and I was a mixed bag of emotions, hope being the brightest. I had lost a baby before through miscarriage and I carried that fear with me until at least 20 weeks pregnant. Every day though, I felt hopeful.
I would place my hand on my tummy and talk to her (I just had a feeling she was a girl), telling her of my day, promising her that no matter what, she and I would get through anything put in our path.
This feeling of hope and promise of new life brought on a version of Christine that I had never met. She was scared, of course, but was so much more fierce than ever before. She had a reason to push on, to brave face any situation because another depended on her. Once I met her and held her in my arms, all of the dark and empty past melted away.
I vowed to her and myself that I would never hurt myself again. Even in the darkest of times, I would hold on to hope and believe that everything happens for a reason and this beautiful girl was brought into my life for the biggest and best reasons of all. She is my little teammate and my best friend. She loves me endlessly, fills me with unfathomable joy, and gives my life purpose.
Now, as a mom of two, I cannot help but look back at the fall of 2018 knowing that my life was going to drastically change and that was the turning point. I no longer drink alcohol, I don’t smoke. I no longer wish to self-harm or self-destruct. I am focused on bettering myself each and every day not only for my benefit but because I am raising two profoundly unique and wonderful children.
They have a mom with a dark past but one that works each day to make a brighter future. The mom that they will know is one that will fill their cups, teach them, and guide them through the highs and lows that life will inevitably bring. They will see a mom with a love for life, herself, and her family.
I thank God every day for giving me children, and for changing my life. Without them, I don’t know who or IF I would be any longer. I’m so eternally thankful and have no doubt that those two positive tests changed my world forever. A mother is who I was born to be.

Sincerely,
An infinitely blessed mommy.