Dear loop repeating in my head,

You’re wrong. Not everyone hates me and wants me out of their lives. Not everyone thinks I’m a waste of space; some people love me. They do. Not everyone is here to hurt me or abandon me. You don’t know that; you just like to make me live in fear so that I keep you alive.
I don’t even know when I met you and you first started your track. When was that, anyway? At least a couple of decades ago, now that I’m 30. That’s a long time to be bothering someone, you know. That’s longer than the entire lifespan of a dwarf apple tree. Trees have lived and died and you’ve still been here torturing me for no good reason. I’m ridding myself of you for good this time.
You came to me when I was young and weak; you preyed on an innocent child and planted your roots so deep. I wish you were like that of the apple tree and just die off on your own, but I’ve learned you’re not leaving so easily. Too bad for you, I am so much stronger now than when we first met. You’ve seen me grow, I’ve watched you tremble, worrying if you were going to lose out on me. You wear a smug grin I’d imagine because all of those times before, somehow, you had risen victorious. That’s ending now, though. I have equipped myself with the armor of knowledge that is only going to grow stronger, a thicker skin so to speak that you can’t break through.
I’m learning of your origins, why you exist, and what probably manifested you because, let’s be honest, you’re just a nobody. You don’t exist but in my head. Let that sink in. By learning where you came from and why, I get to rewrite what I thought my “destiny” was — you know what that consists of. Here’s to erasing every bad thing you ever whispered to me when I walked into a room and heard people talking, to breaking down the walls you made me build before I even knew what I was doing. I will burn down your home in my mind until you are nothing but fictional dust and ashes with nowhere left to hide.
I am already beginning to build an army of allies, people I’ve let closer to me. They’re restoring something in me that I thought was long gone between friends: trust. I feel safe in their presence and free to be me. That same girl you always told wasn’t good enough, so no one would love her. Guess what, too? They said that they loved me. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t even know how to react at first to someone saying that from a role that wasn’t expected of them. They are choosing to love me and my friendship. Scared yet? You should be.
Let’s not forget my two amazing children and how they fill me with unfathomable and endless joy. Let’s view them as my helmets, as they are vital for my survival. You know them; you like to watch our daily interactions and pop up in my head at *just* the right time to tell me how I’ve messed up myself so I’ll surely mess them up, too. Or how maybe when they grow up, they won’t love me, either. When I think with as clear a mind as possible, though, removing your words from the equation, I realize how you couldn’t be more wrong. They love me; I see it all over their eyes, in the laughs that echo from their bellies and their endless desires for snuggles. Your days spent leeching off of me are through.
You seem to think that there’s still some hope left because there isn’t a weapon present here. Yet again, you’re wrong. Knowledge, peace, acceptance, faith, and love—love being the strongest—fill the sword that will plunge you into eternal death. Just a heads up, that weapon is me. Gone with you and the wreckage you made, the home you built, and the name you gave me: worthless.
Too bad for both of us, it didn’t happen sooner, but mostly too bad for you because you never really stood a chance.

I was always too strong of a competitor for you.

Good riddance.

PWA Style Score: 82%

What I’m most afraid of is to finally step into my L(I)GHT and feel at a loss. The thought of living by/through SO(U)L only to be without the things I visualized making it through with me-without the people I imagined being a part of my life and a part of the process of my becoming. Sometimes the thought of having no control of the variables other than yourself throughout the transformation is enough to keep you where you are, the place you desire to leave most. Numerous times there have been where I desired for SO(U)L to take over, the ego being the great decider of whether or not to fly from the nest to experience the great beyond, or to remain in the nest, protected by a false sense of security, left only to imagine what could’ve been. What would’ve been. I know what it is that I truly desire-contentment in my life, peace, happiness. It’s what we all truly want, I should say. That contentment, that peace, that happiness, is beyond achievable, but only if a place is provided for its existence. Throughout 2024 I thought I had it all figured out: “Do me, and I can’t lose.” But that’s not what I experienced when I began to consciously act through SO(U)L. I experienced the cost of my “freedom”-criticism from the one I loved and respected most. It was the deepest feeling of disappointment I’ve ever known besides that of the lies encountered from the adults in my life as a kid. My eyes, my heart, want only to see all around me being elevated and living life in its fullest and truest expression, but I’m met with criticism when I decide to do the very same thing for myself. I’ve stumbled, and stumbled, and stumbled, my knees craving freedom from the weighted burdens of others in which I’ve placed upon my shoulders. After falling so many times, I rise once more, brushing the debris off my bodice and, rather than throwing in the towel, I advance forward. Once having the idea that L(I)FE’S marathon could only be won at a full sprint, I finally decided to shift to a lower gear, continuously advancing forward step-by-step. Step-by-step I continue to inch closer to the L(I)GHT. The comfort I once knew attempts to call me back, threatening me of what it is to be lost in attempting to obtain the sun; comfort is on my list of blocked contacts. IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME. I gotta’ move on because if I stay with you, I lose; I gotta’ go because if I don’t, I reject L(I)FE ITSELF; I gotta go because if I don’t, I won’t ever truly be satisfied with this EX(I)STENCE. So fear, you don’t ever have to leave me, you don’t have to go-allow me to do that for you. If I happen to disappoint you by making myself proud, so be it.

Dear Fear,
You are the shadow born from my past, the echo of words and actions that were never mine to carry. You came to life when others hurt me, judged me, or silenced me. I learned to hide because it felt like the only way to survive.
I sacrificed pieces of myself to keep the peace, to avoid rejection, to make myself smaller in the hopes I wouldn’t be noticed—or hurt again. Every day, I buried my voice because speaking up often led to pain. I wore masks to be what others demanded, even when it meant losing the “me” that lived underneath.
There were times I let myself believe that their words, their actions, and their judgments defined me. I accepted blame for their cruelty, shame for their failures, and silence for their comfort. To survive, I built walls around my heart and turned away from my reflection.
But surviving like that came at a cost. I abandoned dreams that felt too big for someone as “damaged” as I thought I was. I let fear convince me I didn’t deserve joy, love, or success. The weight of hiding and sacrificing myself became unbearable, and the person I could have been slipped further and further away.
Now, I see that I wasn’t broken; I was protecting myself the only way I knew how. You, my fear, were my shield. You helped me endure, but your protection came at a price I can no longer afford to pay.
So, here’s how I will face you: I will reclaim myself piece by piece. I will confront the voices that told me I was unworthy and replace them with my voice—one that speaks of love, compassion, and strength. I will let the pain from the past remind me not of who I am, but of how far I’ve come.
I will face the abuse, the neglect, and the pain that scarred me and know that while it shaped parts of me, it is not who I am. I am not defined by the years I spent hiding. I am defined by the courage it takes to stand here now, to pull back the curtain, and to look at myself fully for the first time.
I will overcome you by acknowledging that I am more than what happened to me. My worth is not tied to the cruelty I endured or the lies I believed to survive. I am learning to see myself fully, not just through the lens of fear, but with the clarity of someone who knows their own value.
You won’t win because you are no longer my guide. I will write my story from here—one where I embrace all that I am, where I live boldly, and where I finally take back the life I was always meant to have.
Sincerely,
Jessica Weitgenant

Style Score – 86%

To My Greatest Fear:

I think it may shock people to find out that you are my greatest fear. From the outside, no one even notices; masking is probably my best hidden talent, if I’m honest.

I’ll give you this: you’re not a conventional fear for most people, especially those around my age. At this point in our lives, most millennials are afraid of: career stagnation, falling behind their peers who may seem to have their lives together (i.e.: owning a house, being married with kids, etc), heights, snakes, the usual.

But not mine.

I didn’t use to be afraid of you; I actually used to know you. I want to say that you and I were something along the lines of best friends when I was a child, but I can’t remember.

And I can’t remember when you left me, either.

Or maybe I left you. Who knows?

Regardless, it’s been so long that I’m not sure whether to call you a friend or an acquaintance anymore.

Because it has been so long.

I’ve pretty much forgotten the way you made me feel. Sometimes, though, I think I may feel the ghost of you, which then catches me so off-guard that I immediately shut you down. I don’t know how to accept or respond to you during these fleeting moments.

Or maybe I don’t want to because I know you’ll leave and I’ll be left without you again, wondering if or when you’ll ever come back.

And if you do come back, will you actually stay for a much longer period? A week, a month…a year even?

Maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

Recently, I was at a point in my life where it felt like things were going well for the first time in ages and I was more scared than ever of this feeling. More scared of you.

It turns out that it was for good reason: tragedy struck my family in a way that no one was expecting. This is not the first for us, but it was still as impactful as if it was.

I know what it’s like to suddenly have your entire world shattered in the blink of an eye; my world did a few years ago, and it was just a few months ago that I was able to start picking up the pieces.

Now it’s like a big gust of wind came and blew them all away again.

I also know what it’s like to completely lose sight of your former self, because you didn’t know yourself then: your interests, your hobbies, and your goals. I didn’t know or really have any of them.

Today I still don’t know any of them. I realized it when someone recently asked me, “What do you want to do?”

You know what my response was?

“I have no idea.”

You’d think that those four words would be a terrifying thought at my age, this age where we should have a clear direction of where we want our lives to go, but they’re not. I’ve finally learned that life doesn’t end when you age out of your 20s; life actually starts in your 30s. And I’m finally starting to figure out who I am.

I believe this journey will lead to you, Happiness, because I’ll be doing what I want to do: living for me instead of others for once.

But I’m absolutely terrified to do it.

Because I’ve never done it before and it requires change and a different kind of strength that I think is within me, but I don’t know for sure because I’ve never tested it.

How do you make a leap like that without a sure landing?

Happiness, if you remember me, you’ll remember that I need to know ALL of the details before committing to something. I’m not a spontaneous person; I’m not a “oh, let’s just try this right now” kind of person.

I promise that I’ve been working on it though: my motto this year is “I’ll find out when I get there”. I’m working on myself and taking part in activities that I think will lead to our paths crossing again.

Happiness, I know that it takes work to really know you and I’m willing to put in the effort. I know you don’t just show up out of the blue; that’s not your style.

Know that I haven’t given up on finding you again. I can only hope that you haven’t given up on me and are willing to meet me halfway as well.

Your friend (hopefully),
Me

50% Style Score

Dear Fear,

I’ve gotta be honest, I am so exhausted of fighting with you. Every single time I make a move to chase down a dream or let myself be vulnerable, you find a window to the very room I tried to lock you out of. You make me question if I locked the door at all or if I opened it and welcomed you in. I don’t want to treat you like a villain, because I know in a way you’re trying to protect me. Sitting in my nervous system waiting to run to my aid so I don’t get hurt….but you have to know this isn’t healthy anymore.

I stepped away from you when I let myself pursue acting without the dreadful question of “Is this the right thing for me?” and that alone took a year and a half of codependence on you. I drew a line in the sand and allowed myself the peace of mind to know I could start over, enjoy myself and the life I wanted.

I stepped away when I took the risk of flying to a new city by myself for the sake of seeing a new place. You had a vice on me unlike anything I’d ever felt when you reappeared as a hurricane. A disaster of an external circumstance I had no control over and no idea how to handle but I took back my power when I realized that sometimes it’s okay to be scared.

That’s the thing with you fear, you show up in a way where I end up hating myself because you exist in the depths of my brain. You make me wonder if I’ll be safe in a massive storm. If I’d be judged, hated, or seen differently somehow, were I to be seen by an audience rather than a character in the background? If boyfriends or clients would take me less seriously because I’m friendly and funny. Asking myself “What if (enter self-doubt here)?”

You already know this because relationships take two to tango, but we are toxic. You have had me terrified and shaking to the point of breaking because you want me safe….and all I’d ever known before you…was safe. I know you have moments where you mean well. It’s the way you exist, to keep me out of harm’s way-but you and I both know we can’t keep this up anymore. If I have to take a risk, then so be it and maybe a little part of you stays because risks are uncomfortable, but I’ve had no choice but to let myself get comfortable in the uncomfortable.

I don’t want you around to make me overthink, over-analyze, over-explain. That isn’t your purpose anymore, fear. If you have to show up because I am in real danger, fine, but no more. If I can get to where I am now because I took risks, then it’s time for you to know that I don’t need you to take over when I step towards the new ones.

I’m letting go of the chain now fear, you’re free to go….and so am I.

Style Score: 100%

Fear, you don’t belong here!

Since I was young, fear tried to come and visit me.

Whether it was being afraid of the dark…

Afraid of getting hurt by something I couldn’t see.

Or worried that once again I would feel rejected by those closest to my heart.

As I got older, I found ways to hide my fears.

Believing I was handling them on my own.

Pretending it was gone until suddenly it reappears.

What I thought I could handle, is now fully shown.

I thought I had it under control.

Truth is, it was the other way around.

By not truly facing them and letting go…

It caused me to remain bound.

What I needed to do was surrender my fears to God.

Allow him to have control.

To realize that in order to be free, I must let go of the facade.

To take back the peace that the enemy stole.

What facade am I talking about?

It’s when you pretend to be free instead of facing it head-on.

It’s time to remove the mask, stop walking around in doubt.

God says you are free and not bound, his word you must stand upon.

In order to be free from fear, you must trust God completely.

Embrace God’s truth about you.

When God created you, he created you uniquely.

When you accepted Jesus, he made you brand new.

You no longer have to fear what people think of you.

You are fully loved.

God knows all you have been through.

He still says, my child, you are my beloved.

So take your stand this day.

No longer allow lies of the enemy to consume you.

Jesus has made a way.

Your freedom you can walk into.

So no matter what the fear..

Know that God will give you peace.

It is your job to take authority and say fear you don’t belong here!

And the lies of the enemy must cease!

ProWritingAid Style score 81%

Dear Fear,

You don’t win. You can not win. You tried to make me feel small. You tried to make me feel unimportant. I feel like the default, but you lied! Fear you tried to control my life and defeat me. I feel like the last, the go to,the one to settle for .
I feel like the one you have when it is now or never. I feel like the default is what I am, but I realize that is not true, I can not let that happen. Fear, you don’t win! You have talked to me, too much and too long. I am tired of listening to you. You are a liar and have no power. Fear, I face you straight on with God holding my hand. I am strong because you fought me so hard, you helped build my muscles. You “DON’T WIN”!!!

With (my) Strongest Goodbyes,

God’s Child.

Fear, old friend,

I have known you better than any lover, better than any hope or possibility. You have held my hand every time I’ve turned away from what I should have done. You’ve stood boldly at my side as I hesitated to do what I knew I had the ability to do.
You must be my lover, for your advice has kept me at a safe distance from the women I’ve tried to love. I know your songs, your jests, your laughter. I notice myself being held in your arms every time I say, “I can’t.”
You have much perseverance and confidence, always aching to step forward and take center stage. You have always been the voice I have listened to when I doubt myself and others.
Certainly, you must be a part of God, for I see you in the eyes of men everywhere—do you for them what you do for me?
Fear, you’ve helped me make decisions which I have lived to regret, but don’t worry, I will still take your advice, and so will others.
So here’s to you, old friend, for after all, where would I be without you?

INSIGHT: If you seek to overcome your fear, then focus more on where you seek to go–and listen not–to the voice that’s telling you it’s ok to be where you are.

Eric Sander Kingston
wishonwisdom.com

Dear forgetfulness,

I would say I’m a very sentimental person. I’ve tried squeezing the goodness from every moment. I morph into a sponge, soaking up each bit and particle of every lasting minute. I let the sweetness of the presence simmer on my tongue. I bask in the luxury of the present until it’s gone and turns into a memory. Inside jokes, casual conversations, and simple smiles are likely forgotten by others, but they are things I preserve.

My life hasn’t always been worth savoring, and sometimes as I live in the present, I try to fast forward through time. Reliving the fond memories I’ve made gets me through the hard times.

Life moves in the motion of frequency waves; sometimes I hit the trough. I reminisce on the times I had, clinging onto them with the entirety of my willpower. I fantasize about the past, begging the universe to make my memories tangible and allow my existence in them once again. To meet with that person once again. Relive that happiness. Feel as powerful as I once was.

To forget every memory I have is my greatest fear.

Humans aren’t born the person they are today, or at least that’s my opinion. Yes, you may be born with a personality, or your brain’s wiring may be predetermined at birth. But the experiences an individual has and the memories they create also mold them into the sculpture of their being. As humans experience life, they attach a fragment of every experience onto themselves and create a shell around them that other humans see and interact with. Is the shell who I am, or is it concealing my true being? I think that both apply to me, although I might be wrong. But I know one thing, it’s that the shell is a collection of experiences I have undergone, the good and the ugly.

Perhaps this is why I am fearful of forgetting– who would I be without my memories? How could I seek comfort if I had nothing to look back on?

Total amnesia terrifies me. I see it all the time in movies, when the main character wakes up from a coma and doesn’t know the first thing about themselves. It frightens me to one day wake up and to forget all the people I’ve met, all the things I’ve done and accomplished. Although this scenario isn’t realistic or likely, it is possible and the “what-if” of it all haunts me, because I cherish memories the same way I cherished my teddy bear when I was a child. I hold on to them and I hope I never outgrow them.

What brings me comfort is knowing that even if I forget my memories, I will still be remembered by others. I have to learn to accept that I cannot control forgetting, but if I forget an experience, it will still live in the mind of someone else. And maybe, hopefully, that person holds onto the memory as tightly as I do.

Chloe S.

Style Score: 87%

Hey Rach,

“What scares you the most?”

I would rattle off answers as quickly as I could think of them: spiders, being buried alive, small spaces and not being able to touch the bottom if I’m in the ocean. I would list all the normal things because I wasn’t ever ready for the deeper conversation about the time I realized I was truly afraid of death, of dying alone, dying by my own hands. The type of fear where you freeze and can’t make a sound, thinking about the unknown and what comes after. The possibility of absolutely nothing, and the uncertainty in everything we do; could this be the last thing we ever do?

I had a moment of peace, where I took what felt like the first deep breath I’d taken in months. I closed my eyes and felt the grass beneath my hands. In a split second, the thing that scared me the most was knowing I had to face my fears. To be brutally honest. Honesty where it might actually have been easier to tear my own heart out of my chest with nothing but my bare hands and my fingernails that were bitten down to nothing.

The things I had to say: “I don’t want to die like this,” and “Please just fix me,” and of course, the hardest one being “I know I need help.”

Sit still, and breathe deeply. Let your anxiety travel from your brain to your shoulders, down your arms and out through your fingertips. Focus on breathing and simply just existing. Take a minute and don’t think about the things that brought you here. Just inhale and exhale and don’t think about how your name could be the next one spoken: “Tell us why you’re here.”

How I ended up where I am is a long, chaotic story that I would tell out of order and apologize repeatedly for talking too fast, but I would remember all the tiny details. Every single choice I made brought me to the next place that I was meant for; on and on until there was only one option that made sense. I don’t have regrets, because I know I was meant to survive. To face the feelings that I kept stuffing down into the deepest part of my soul, hoping they wouldn’t ever resurface.

“I’m here because I was too afraid not to be. I needed to see what comes next. I am worlds stronger than my worst fears; they won’t ever win.”

(Style score 84%)

I fear them, the unknow, the what if. I fear my mind, for it likes to drift.
Inside I screamed, and fought, this dark abyss inside my thought.
Trauma has always haunted my past, and if I dwell too long, it’s sure to last
I fear my bed, my body’s exhausted, I don’t rise for days, until I’m unfrosted.
What is life and why was I made; I fear the need to know before I fade.
Everything on earth wasn’t made to last, but damn, why does it go so fast.
With every passing white knuckled day, I feel my time withering away.
Like the sand in the hourglass, time ticks on and is sure to pass.
I fear the thought of being alive, but even worse what if I die.
I know the pain of losing a loved one, once they’re gone, it can’t be undone.
One day too, I’ll say goodbyes, and I hope that day, no one cries.
I fear as though I am just a drone, and that is why I fear the unknown.
A different mask every day, just hoping maybe, one will stay.
To understand and love oneself, then maybe I can put fear upon the shelf.
To live in the light of each day and keep the darkness at bay.

Dear, Fear of Love

Something dragged me from you the moment I left my body. It may seem tragic to the world that I felt such fear traveling in a universe alone without you. When I left my body, you swept up my soul and carried it with you, my memory and light in hand. My mind ran so fast that I could hardly catch up and when I did, I started my life new. Another happiness I was not expecting.

When I think of dying, I think of perfection, not knowing that it’s actually love that seeks me so badly. This is the reason I ran through hell so fast. In the depths of hell, heaven caught me by surprise. I caught a little piece of heaven with another soul survivor. So I guess in all honesty I fear Love. The defeat of love frightens me, as does the love I currently possess. Can I move on with my life and leave you behind? Do I hold on to your memory in fleeting moments? If there was ever a crystal ball that conveys what I should do, I would not use it. The surprise of of the sweetness would pass me by.

So I will sit in the heaven I have now with my other half in this life. Fear of losing what I have weighs on me with a heaviness.

Since I adore surprises, I’ll stay with my loved ones in this paradise. You are always a part of who I am.

Sincerely, Love in abundance

Style Score 100

PHOBOS

Dear Phobos,

I felt you trickle down my spine like the first heat wave of the summer sun’s rays.

The same warmth that kissed my pale flesh in the morning glow in every year since my birth.

I sensed your lingering touch like that of my mother’s lips against my brow, as she checks to see the rhythm of my chest.

I taste your sweet wonders with every bite of ripe fruit, decadent chocolate.

I see you my wife’s eyes every night before we fall asleep. Her soft voice, a siren’s call to my dreams, luring me into rest. Another second closer to the eternal end.

Phobos is my friend. He is my father, carrying me to bed as a child again. Phobos is my steady hum of music in the air. Phobos is my friend in a new body, showing me the wonders of life and thereafter.

My Phobos, my fear is to forget.

I fight this fear daily. With every moment I gain, I lose another second of life. I am not afraid of death. I am not afraid of life. I am afraid to forget the memories and moments I created, so I make more and more hoping that I will forget…

My fear

(T) 100% style score

Dear Self-Doubt,
I hope this letter reaches you at your worst, I know you remember me. I refuse to begin this letter with warmth and love. There are no season greetings to be received because there was no joy or celebration when you were around. The cloud of darkness you had invited on my journey, without my authorization had made my vision almost blurry. Self-doubt you sat on my shoulders weighing me down like an animal chained to the floor. You’d constantly force my head to turn in the direction you saw fit but, for yourself. Selfishly you’d push my well-being to the side just so you could shine causing my once vibrant light to become dim. You’ve shut the doors on my ideas leaving me on the other side franticly looking for the knob to break free, but you destroyed the handle causing my creativity to grow cold and my ideas to scatter across the floor. The opportunities that I knew I could have, that I should have!

Wait…I don’t see why I am even writing this. I know with my temperament I should take it easy, but I just had to let you know self-doubt you’ve had me stuck for so long. I blame myself for it all, you were my solace. Welcoming you in thinking that there would be some type of benefit, but the only gain was loss of self. I began thinking it was something normal, I had already accepted my fate. I was willing to let my dreams die because I feared you. The dark cloud you walked around with you locked it in the room with me and so it remained. It was fixated on me while I glared at the door hoping you’d come back to save me like you did before, but this time you didn’t.

Like a caged bird I needed to break free; I needed that light to shine on me even if it meant shining on me for the last time. Self-doubt you kept doubting my ability to be accepting of change. Unbeknownst to you I had a trick up my sleeve, I knew your weakness. I knew you’d try to convince me that it was safer to stay hidden and put, but this time I promised myself I wouldn’t believe you. My resilience still hadn’t failed me at that moment, so I took the chance. I didn’t give you enough time to alter my train of thought. I reclaimed my spot as the conductor. That’s when I realized how small you were, I was sure I could make it through this journey without you. Self-doubt, you only mattered as much as I let you. At that moment I realized you mattered nothing to me at all. That dark cloud became the smoke I left behind because I was now stations ahead refusing to look back. You were now left all alone like you had me. My creativity and ideas danced their way back and I promised them that doubt would never play a part in the making of myself ever again.

Self-doubt I no longer fear you, I haven’t for a long time now. But, without you, I wouldn’t have known the strength I harbored. There is so much beauty in my mind and the creativity that flows through my fingers is something magical I wish you could see it, but then again, I don’t. It took me allowing you to bring me to my lowest for me to realize that I could no longer allow you to alter the outcome of my success. Self-doubt I do not wish you well, but I thank you. Just so I don’t forget there is no address or phone number for us to keep in touch because you don’t deserve that, you never did. I want you to read this letter and be engulfed with guilt and regret. I know this letter will play tug of war with your peace, for a fact you will lose, there’s no doubt of that.

Yours Truly

!This letter contains harsh language!

To My Uncertainty,
Fuck you, you don’t control me. I have waded through oceans of doubt before and come out stronger. The seeds that you plant in my beautiful garden only wither and die because roots cannot take hold because of the tending I have so carefully done to let these blooms thrive.
To My Anxity,
You can also kindly fuck off. There is nothing for me to worry about because though every thing life has given me, I have only learned to adapt and do better. How to care for myself when feelings of being unloved and unlovable consume me. When I feel like I am a failure and a burden to though around me — Though I know I am not. That I can lean on my family and friends to carry me through the hard times. That I can try new things and be excited and not fearful of failure.

I don’t fear. I expect someone to judge me for how I look, act, using my mobility aid (or not). My fear manifests as your anxiety, a stronger, more powerful fear. It isn’t how can I overcome it’s how can I manage and push forward. You have been a part of me all my life. In ways, I thank you for protecting me, but now it is time to FUCK OFF. I want to live my life. Going out with my boyfriend and connecting with the monster drag community is something I want to do. I want to work on my writing and not wonder will spend all that money and a very stressful two years worth it.
You know Alicia very well and I think you like her because you let me tell her about things. I remember when that wasn’t quite the case. We have grown, but there is so much more we can do this year. Like, next month for the Monsters in the Making drag show. We can absolutely kill it, you heard Churb and the others. I am a born performer there is nothing to worry about and there will be so many people there
cheering me on. Use the fear to work that stage.
Writing is a more side thing, but there is this book. It’s only a quarter way done. I want to finish it. I think it is really good but anxiety gets in the way and says I need to have something steady to make money. My head is my worst enemy. I love writing. I know I can make a good story, but a first book doesn’t pay student $48,000 of student loans. But fuck getting a 9-5, Dolly said it best. “They never give you credit” I have worked so many jobs not getting the recognized like I should and writing will let me get that. Plus, it is a creative outlet for the millions of crazy ideas in my head.

Anxiety, I know, can help me get to my goals. It’s not just a bad thing, it’s a survival tool we all have. The key to meeting goals and overcoming intense fears is transforming anxiety from enemy to friend. Medication and a good therapist also help a lot too. It is also challenging to lean into change with anxiety and ADHD; consistency helps calm the mind. With the help of Alicia, I have been more willing to go out and try new things, more so now than in the past. Especially after losing my last job. “I trust fear. Fear exists for one purpose: to be conquered.” – Capt. Janeway.
I often find myself thinking of this and the one quote by Teddy Roosevelt, but I like Captain Janeway better. She is a kick ass woman of a starship who beat the Borg and got her crew through unknown space. She wasn’t afraid to run into the battle for the sake of her crew and, just overall, she’s a badass. I want to be more like her.

Ilkanic
They/them
Style score: 81%
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The unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. It sounds so matter of fact and easy to avoid. But most humans, not all, live most of their life based on fear. It is a sad fact that we rarely examine in our own lives unless we have suffered enough in order to do so.

Fear is one of the most potent emotions that may either paralyze humankind or drive us toward evolution and change. I currently want to choose the higher roads. I’ll admit that there are still things I do that are anxiety-driven, and I am destined never to be pure perfection. However, from my standpoint, failure or forfeiture is not an option. It never should have been that way, but sometimes people quit, give in, or just collapse.

Anyhow, my fears won’t win anymore. They will always exist, but once you can differentiate rational vs. non rational and persevere through obstacles in your life, you become more powerful. Confidence, clarity and mindfulness can go a long way. I hand my fears over to something greater and more powerful than myself daily. It keeps me humble and reliant on my faith.

I now own a metaphorical tool belt and toolbox. It comes with me everywhere I go. I add more and more tools to it as life goes along. Things that used to be baffle me beyond control, or cripple me, are now being handled with more ease. Things that I would never attempt, I’m now doing. Not only am I doing, I’m accomplishing.

With my tool collection, motivation, and consistency, I’m on the path towards tranquility and a greater degree of happiness than ever before. I don’t plan on reversing my ways now. So, after all the torture for so many years, I won’t mourn you. I will only remember you so I can explore further into the depths of my soul. I won’t cry for you or miss you. Will only think of you, then dismiss you! For now, goodbye fear.

Facing the Fear That Drove Me
I do not remember when you first arrived in my life. Sometime between the death of my mother and the first time my father beat me, you took up residence in my rib cage. My protector, you swept in—deigning to save me from a punishing world where those who should have loved me stole my safety and dignity for the smallest of mistakes. I want to invite you to explore a new world with me.
I have so much compassion for you, Fear. We were six years old and trying to save my life, keep belts off my skin, keep my bones in all their rightful places. That was too big a task. After all, you were only a child. We have been carrying that weight all these years.
Since your arrival, you have been the hardest worker I have ever known, immersing yourself in the endless pursuit of being good—good enough. To achieve this, you developed rigorous standards by scrutinizing our environment—books, conversations, and examples—to determine who I needed to be. You made creative decisions to help me meet your standards. Rest was never an option—no days spent snuggling under the covers in bed.
I see how you believed in my ability to improve, grow, and, in doing so, become safe.
Thank you for your relentless dedication to keeping us safe. Your vigilance was born in a time when even the smallest mistakes had devastating consequences—when safety, food, and dignity were bartering chips.
When you came into my life, minor mistakes could jeopardize our safety—our bones, food, and identity—by those who should have loved us. You were only a child, so you believed them when they said that working harder would set us free and being better would keep us safe. You remain frozen in that place of trauma, still fighting battles that no longer exist. But while you have fought without rest, I have grown. It’s time for me to take the reins and chart a fresh path for both of us.
I know the truth now–nothing we did could have made us safer. When the world wants to hurt you, nothing you do can prevent that. Life doesn’t require avoiding or defeating every evil. The beauty, the fun, and the love exist despite the darkness and the pain.
My friend, you fear ceding your role, but I can keep us safe in more constructive ways these days. I’m not asking you to leave, Fear, but to transform. Your vigilance has served its purpose; now it can help us create something beautiful together.
The thread connecting me to my father, his monstrosity, and his humanity, is you, a product of his fallible human self. It’s time to release this thread, this legacy of fear passed down through generations.
It’s time to let you rest and take on a new role—one that turns us toward the sun, to the beauty and peace already around us. A role where you still search, scan, and look, but now use your creativity to help me thrive.
The new title: The Persistent Pursuit of Joy. I want you to seek the moments in life made of sweetness, brightness, and abundance—like the sun on my skin, my grandmother holding my hand as she tells me she loves me, or my husband kissing my forehead while I sleep. Use your creativity to find more joy, ease, and love. Place me in the sunshine so I can open my ribcage and fill my whole chest with the warm glow. Help me notice the beauty I’ve overlooked while trapped in the past.
Through your relentless protection, I survived, but through letting you evolve, I will thrive. Fear—or should I call you your new name, Pursuit—I am so excited to embark on this new journey with you.
Together, we will lie down the burdens of the past and step into a life filled with joy, peace, and possibility.

Style Score: 100%, Spelling 100%, Grammar 100%