I grew up without knowing that I was autistic.
I saw autistic adults on TV, but I didn’t have a clue.
Maybe if I saw an autistic child like me on my little TV set,
I would’ve accepted myself the moment I learned the truth.
Alas, I didn’t see myself on the screen.

Autistic-coded characters have helped me accept myself.
I saw myself in Lilo when I was seven years old.
Passionate, frustrated, fiery, goofy, emotional, and accepting.
I felt seen before even knowing that I was autistic.
Finally, I saw myself on the screen.

After learning the truth about myself years later,
I slipped into a depression of misinformation.
A ladder of information slid down the hole to my rescue,
But a history of neurotypical-ridden depictions left splinters.
Alas, I didn’t see myself on the screen.

Suddenly, out of the blue, a beloved show from my childhood announces
That a little autistic girl would be moving to a specific street of puppets.
Finally, a little autistic girl like me on the screen!
Granted, I’m now a grown woman, but still.
Finally, I saw myself on the screen.

News breaks out that another movie about autism is coming out,
But it’s another tale of misinformation and disastrous casting.
I tried to warn the misinformed of this dangerous depiction,
Only to be gaslighted and silenced by the trolls under the bridge.
Alas, I didn’t see myself on the screen.

After the dumpster fire of a movie, good news arrives for once.
A teen drama reboot has included an autistic actress in an autistic role.
The role in question reminded me of my teenaged self.
I would’ve loved myself sooner if I had seen this as a teen.
Finally, I saw myself on the screen.

I want autistic youths to see themselves on the screen.
They deserve to see the autistic characters that I didn’t grow up with.
I’m writing countless stories, poems, and plays about people like me.
If no one else is going to provide the material, then I’ll do it myself.
You will see me on the screen.

Dear inner teenager—writer of break-up letters, potbelly pig cuddler, improv star, belter of Disney princess songs, and mermaid princess,

Would you believe it? At age 23, it is your well of resilience, courage, and drive that ignites a fire within me.

I look at old photographs and see our big, brown, otherworldly eyes. Over the years, the light in them has flickered, but never dimmed, despite my fear of that happening.

I flip through your journals and never fail to find reflections and insights you couldn’t have known then, that I would need now. You are wiser than I remember feeling at that time.

Rather than a sweet sixteen party, you adventure to Mexico with Mom. And when prom arrives, you bring your younger sister as your date, even though you have a boyfriend. You stand up and speak up for yourself when your “friends” ignore you at lunch. You wear the same dress from elementary and middle school graduations to your high school one. You are a pagan witch in a Catholic household, and the same altar you owned then, I still use now.

I can always count on you to serve as a bridge between my inner child and me, preserving her wisdom and reminding me to honor her needs. Altogether, we are an old soul moving from forgetfulness to remembrance—and that is no easy feat. Mischievous, but not malevolent, you show up as your whole self even when it comes at a cost, but you still feel the weight of grief that comes with each loss.

So often, you find yourself in scenarios where you need to make the same choice—repress or express. While neither option is free from consequence, each time you choose the latter, you’re happier than when you don’t. Every time you express your truth in the moment, you do so for you, but you also do it for the parts of us who, in our past moments, didn’t know how to.

You, wild and whimsical one, are the uncensored embodiment of our imagination. It’s no wonder Theatre and English are your favorite subjects.

But somewhere inside, you still believe the lie that you’re only loved when you’re not you. You’re deeply hurt by words spoken by those who don’t hold themselves to the same level of integrity as you.

I want you to know that a soul family awaits you in Florida, including a father who sees and cherishes every part of us, a sister who walks a spiritual path parallel to ours, and of course, goat kids. Family will come to mean something much different from what it does now, and though feelings of guilt and grief may come with the best of it, I need you to know that you are deserving and capable of being met and loved at the same depths that you exist in.

But know this too, you cannot change someone to be what they are not, no matter how much they or you may want it.

Look at us, for instance. Over the years, we have changed, yet at our core, we remain the same.

I still love everything you love—and more.

I know why you are afraid of losing all of the colors of you. But I promise to preserve them. You can revel in excitement at the many new shades you have yet to meet, that make up all that I am.

The light at the end of the tunnel is actually a reflection in the mirror at the far end of the cave. When you walk through the darkness, it is your light that guides you through. The light at the end of the tunnel is you.

So if you make your way into something, know you can always find a way out.

Only those who fear the responsibility that comes with wielding their power will attempt to dissuade you from accessing yours. It is only you who can choose to give your power away. No one else can take it from you.

What happens in life will happen. What you let it mean in the big picture of things and within your own heart is up to you. And if you do happen to give away your power, it’s up to you to take it back. No one is going to give it to you.

You—the underdog who rises, the quiet one who transforms on stage—are never defined by your best step, nor your worst misstep on the path of stepping stones into the unknown. Your imagination is complementary to your intellect, and you’ll need both to help you create something truly magical. So hold onto your belief in magic, even as others outgrow your make-believe games, and you will see when you do, our world never ceases to sparkle.

Your wise, yet carefree existence tends to trigger people who perceive this world as black or white, versus multi-color and multi-shade. Despite your best efforts, some people are just not ready to leave their disempowered states.

When you focus on empowering yourself, people will want to start recruiting you to fight their wars. But you must remember—you are a manifestor. You are here to initiate, inspire, and impact—just by being and doing you.

You help me remember that we are big and that we are here to do big things, which means we need to learn how to take up space for ourselves, in addition to holding space for others. Promise to help me master this dance time and time again, so we can always feel free to write, speak, and sing to our heart’s content.

Developing discernment will help us combat our tendency toward confusion. Differentiating our intrinsic worth from cross-contaminated opinions that surround us is a lesson to be learned, and ever-relearned. Through it all, your light reflects truth in all directions—a rainbow of authenticity that shines in the face of adversity.

Every ounce of resonance, love, and empowerment I feel now is a testament to you. Your wide range and depth of emotions contain messages that are essential to our development. Thank you for letting me know what we need, what we’ll refuse to accept, and what is (or isn’t) worth fighting for.

Most of all, thank you for reminding me to not take life so seriously, to be willing to step out of my comfort zone, and to always make fun a priority.

Your memory is a reminder that my greatest gifts have always been a part of me.

With unconditional love and gratitude,
Your older self