In your heart,
the glee will never feel as
heavy as the agony.
That’s the whole point.
Imagine your happiest whim
weighing your shoulders down,
pressing your chin into soft skin.
You can’t.
Joy is the ultimate release of pressure.
If you are crushed
by something you love,
it’s not a desire.
It’s an obsession.

The duality of suffering is so fascinating to me. Mainly because It shapes a huge chunk of my existence. Life and death, addiction and sobriety, heartbreak and unconditional love. I’ve lived these all simultaneously. The pain of my suffering doesn’t go away nor can it be replaced, but the joy and compassion I feel from loved ones brings a whole new experience to my life. I’m grateful for the ones I love, and the shoulders I cry on. The laughter and smiles I witness, and the ones they get out of me. Thank you to those who laugh with me at 2am, and eat breakfast with me in bed. The friends who have shown me what the meaning of family truly is.

Suffering is existential, but it doesn’t always have to be that we are inherently in pain. This duality of Yin and Yang, the two sides of one coin, light and dark, pain and pleasure; it’s all the same concept. It is all Oneness. I believe if you can grasp the idea of your suffering having two personalities, two timelines within the same universe, and embrace both as passionately and sincerely as you can then that is when growth and healing develop. In my experiences through trauma and unexpected life changes, I have become aware of the fact that when I embraced only the discomfort of that suffering, I did not move forward. I moved deeper into a darker place. A place ten times harder to escape than the initial event. As I’ve progressed in life, spiritually and psychologically, to be specific, I’ve learned to accept the happiness and joys as well. Not denying myself the opportunity to laugh at a friend’s joke, to smile at a loved one, to make memories that leave a everlasting glow on my heart.

I’ve encountered life changing deaths of loved ones throughout my, now, 28 years of living. Losing my mother was heartbreaking. I fell deep into darkness. A hole I have been digging myself out of for 13 years. My best friend passed away recently this year, 2024, and that shoved me right back down. But something was different this time. I’m older, I’ve done a lot of spiritual and psychological healing and I refuse to live in fear again. The duality of my healing has had a profound impact on my mental health and my motivation for life itself.

Instead of just focusing on the depression and letting it control and consume me, I have learned to redirect my energy towards things that are productive but bring a sense of calmness to my body and mind. The most interesting aspect of this transition, that I’ve experienced, is that when I’ve written a poem, using it as a tool for healing, my words are quite melancholic and heavy hearted; yet I felt an immense sense of accomplishment and peace. This is a testament of the ability to heal and grow through the chains of suffering. To have a clear set of opposing perspectives on what it means to suffer and embracing both simultaneously. To break this down in simpler terms, the message of my poem may be full of my pain and trauma but it’s the act of writing that causes me to experience joy and peace at the same time. The darkness within my writing is one of the biggest forms of my inner healing.

I’ve embraced the duality of suffering. I have learned to harness the dichotomy of grief and growth and create a sense of oneness. I implore you to challenge your fears, learn to embrace the darkness through the light and harness the power that resides within you. Feel your pain and simultaneously experience peace by turning that energy into an action of productivity and passion.

I have learned that living is all about balance. That we are all just a scale constantly teetering and shifting weight.

It is up to us to keep that weight stable and maintain the symmetry of life.

Your first attempt
Shot down.
He implied
Success not possible.
Your life-sustaining health constraints
The weak point.
Alternative for you suggested.
Disregarded.
Dream denied.
Your tenacity at play,
Second chance requested.
Humanitarian assigned,
Acceptance granted.
Ultimate goal
Shining.
Despite tough and demanding roads,
Obstacles of academia,
Dates with the machine three times a week,
Your grit and perseverance
Enhanced the drive
Uphill to victory.
The glory of adversity deflected.
Strength of the heart
Reigned supreme.

Since I was young,
I dreamed and dreamed of a day,
Where I’d find adventure,
And it would lead me away.
An experience to take me out of my comfort zone,
I dreamt of adventuring with someone,
Not just on my own.
I made up stories to write about,
I fantasized, romanticized, until my dream of adventure appeared in a time of doubt.
Falling at my fingertips,
There it was.
In the form of another,
Through a screen,
Unexpectedly, I met my dream.
On life’s journey, at the same pace as me,
We happened upon each other,
While in separate countries.
I asked the world; what does this mean?
And it replied that the answer lies in the depth of life’s mysteries.
To know true meaning,
One must immerse themselves in the unknown.
And with that, I leaned in further and further until my heart whispered, ” Let’s go!”
Because dreams and adventure are about diving in, letting go, and figuring it out,
So I dove,
I let go, submerged myself in the murky water below.
I got lost,
And fell in love;
And so began the greatest adventure I’d ever known.
We went exploring,
Saw alligators and Grizzlies,
We hiked the Appalachians and wandered the magnificent Rockies.
We visited new cities and tried delicious food,
We decided on forever and in font of a mountainous backdrop exchanged “I do’s.”
As in many adventures sometimes you lose your way,
He took a wrong turn in the dark,
And I ended up caught in the rain.
Trudging through the mud that wanted to bring me down,
I heard the wind whisper to me that at times we have to be lost in order to be found.
To walk the woods o the unknown,
To weather the rain, the wind, the snow.
To learn that with love there comes pain,
And life’s challenges bring experience to gain.
This is what gives ‘living’ life,
Finding myself in the depths of the mud realizing I had never felt more alive.
I knew now what the wind meant and what I was made to go through.
I was meant to find myself alone and afraid, so once beyond the rain,
I could look at myself and say,
“You are strong, you are brave”
And know it to be true.
Beyond the darkness and the storm,
I viewed my dream in a new form.
I was no longer scared of going the adventure on my own,
And it was when I was afraid that I’d really grown.
I kept walking the path,
Not knowing if our shared adventure would last, hoping we’d find our way back.
Back to each other, changed on our own journey.
And there he was wanting to repair and continue adventuring with me.
We interlocked fingers, walking hand in hand,
We spoke of the hurt and sought to understand.
And thus I had my dream come true,
And the dream hasn’t stopped.
I dreamt of adventure,
And adventure is exactly what I got.

You ever try to envision your future — and it looks pitch black ?
Ppl ask you who you wanna be or what you wanna do — when you grow up
Your single mother was livin in survival mode just like you — doing the best she can
Too busy to sit you down and ask —
“Baby, what you wanna do when you get older? — We gotta start to plan”

Before she knew it — your life began
You’re 17 and graduating and the years flashed right before — her eyes

Now her little girl is pregnant & must grow up and time just passed her by

But don’t get sad on me now — momma — just hold on — hang tight

This is just the beginning — This is not the end

Lucky for her — she was never alone, God had her back… & he became my best friend

You see — For many of you in my same situation
I too grew up w/out an earthly father — to help raise me
but as it turns out — I never really needed him — anyway

My heavenly father picked up his slack . . . Im just another witness & reminder of that —

He placed the right ppl in my life
to help guide me down a — virtuous path

I just had to shift my perspective & be open — to accepting his plan

Gods timing is perfect, he’s never late —
he was just waiting for me to take hold of his hand — on the other end

I had to keep my focus on someone that was beyond me & my current situation
Had to let go of any self pity and all excuses I had created
I could say lucky for me — but most my life — it felt far from it

Regardless — It was never luck or chance
Just a shift in perspective & a blessing in disguise
We all have those — everyday — we just gotta be willing — to open up our eyes
So pls — don’t let yourself be minimized

By yourself — or your surroundings
or anything else — you may be lacking
He makes something out of nothing —
time and time — again
Live life — like it’s already yours — and in due time — it will come — you will win

My first step in achieving my goals came from finding my greatest weaknesses —
Had to figure out how to turn my weakness into power — so I laid them — right beneath him

But first — let’s take it back to beginning— before I started winning

It was my big bro & my middle school sweetheart
That’s who did it —

My big bro held a lot of anger inside — while tryna figure out who he was — and what he believed in

As for my baby — He was born into a different lifestyle than mine — and I wanted nothing more than to — save him
I didn’t want to lose him — in more ways than simply just — our relationship

I had To try to prove to myself and to them
why the man up above
was the one to believe in

I’d not been able to overcome and succeed in all that I have — if it wasn’t for God — & his strength in our weakness

I wanted to show them a love — so pure
but first — I had to start — by believing

I wanted to show them his love but I knew — it would take lots of time — and patience — for them to see it

I Had to do it in a positive way
not too pushy— or rushed — or forcefully done
Cus the God I knew, taught me — early on — that’s not what real love was

Unfortunately — my current circumstance didn’t yet reflect the God — that I knew & loved
I was only 15 yrs old & hadn’t lived long enough
I didn’t have anything to prove or show for it — just yet
So I had to put my words into action even tho it was hard
I always suffered from anxiety and lacked concentration and because of it — I struggled bad
I was made out — to always feel dumb
but — I was far from that
The worlds a cruel place to live in — and at times
I believed what theyd sung
But Gods words over me and my life were different
and they’ll also speak life unto yours
So I had to live by the words that I preached
so I too could believe the words — that he spoke
it’s been almost 15 yrs since than and I’ve accomplished a lot in my life that I sought out to do
I’m still so far from done but I’m doing what I can —Lord — to make sure — it all points back to you
So here are some of my goals he helped me achieve — (he helped me come true)

I knew nothing about kids and babies
Not a clue how some day i would become a mommy
So I went to school for childcare
and became someone I’d never known
I became a infant toddler teacher and got to hold lots of babies and watch them grow
I was able to raise my baby boy — good
even tho a few yrs back I would have never thought or knew …
Remember when I sd i used to see pitch black
—Well things changed real fast when
God said to me — nahhh bby girl — wait —till you see —what I’ve got in store — for you

next up— I decided to get certified to become a foster parent
but that’s something I still have to do

I decided I wasn’t done just yet tho
so I went back to school to became a nail tech
Too
& still I thought that wasn’t enough so , I said,
how bout a barber too

Life’s been a whole lotta up down rollercoaster wild ride adventures — this is true
But pls don’t get discouraged by my accolades thus far
cause they come and go the same way we do
They will all fade into dust someday but one thing will remain to be true
My biggest goal that i accomplished & the one that matters the most
is — that even — if no one else will believe—
I proved to myself — God is true

For many years I dared not dream.
Achievement was striving to attain a raise.
To feed my kids.
To buy a house.
To pay the bills.
Success was a paycheck.
Success was a full tank.
Success was contentment in what I was supposed to do.
Until I woke up and realized that my reality was an endless checklist of tasks
Helping someone to achieve their dreams.
Then.
I.
Realized.
I could have meaningful.
I could have extraordinary.
I could have magic.
But only if I allowed myself to dream.
So I did.
Rejection letter after rejection letter after rejection letter…for years…I still dreamed.
And hoped.
And prayed.
And worked.
Until the day came when I would no longer be
The girl who did not dare dream.
I became…
The woman who was a girl that would someday be
The librarian of an elementary school library.

It started with your love of movies and books,
You will read at lunch ignoring the looks,
Mesmerized by the punch line , climax ad hooks,
Diction, characters, performances that shook.

You struggled a bit with word composition,
Was it your honest young views or rough diction,
But when your mind meshed with your creative fiction,
It may take you as far as jurisdiction.

Today your composition is better than all,
You now stand and write books while I stand and walk tall,
Sorry for the long buildup, no more talk,
A youth with books under his name is no ball.

When asked the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up,” no one responds a low level employee at a mega department store. However, that’s where my life’s journey took me. Initially I planned to be there for three months which became three years.
During my time working there I faced many life altering challenges such as domestic violence, a house fire, failing school, homelessness, financial instability,etc. It seemed to ME that the only thing I was good at was my job. Work and became my safe haven from the chaos of life so I invested all my creative energy into making my department the best. I began to build my whole life around the demands of the job and the more I gave the more they took. It didn’t matter to me because it made me feel good to be great at something.
Although I did acquire new skills, I settled and became complacent. I accepted this was my life, but subconsciously I knew I deserved better.
Working in the bakery gave me the most joy. Eventually I became a cake decorator and it gave me pleasure to create beautiful things for others to enjoy. Management offered me a temporary position as bakery manager, which I declined. However when I was told the offer was permanent I accepted. At the time I made a lot of internal and external changes in my life and I felt it was only up from here.
I worked hard for what I felt I earned. One day they called me in the office to tell me although I was doing phenomenally, they were giving the job to the old manager. Initially I protested and asked questions to no avail. When I reevaluated the paperwork I signed my heart sank. Although I was listed as a permanent manager in my profile the contract said overlay which meant they could give it to the old manager at any time. I felt betrayed and hurt. My choices were made simple relocate as a low level employee or quit. With that came a pay cut that was lower than my initial pay rate before I was promoted.
After I cried, I calmed down and meditated. I realized there was another radical option. I could start my own cake business. I possessed the skill and tenacity, so what could stop me but fear? Would I continue to stand in my own way?
With considerable research I realized it was very possible with little cost. I had to release limiting mindsets and confidence was the key to being as successful as I wanted to be. If I could invest creative ideas to build up a multi billion dollar company why not in myself? I still had some doubts, but within a week I made my first sell.
I am currently in the process of opening my business, working part time and restarting school with a new goal in mind. I have more time for myself and my children.
Remember your dreams and know you deserve better. Be who you want to be. No matter how much time it takes or who thinks you’re unworthy. You determine your value. Speak positively and give yourself grace. Every breathe is an opportunity to make those changes. You have the final say, so never give up and I’ll see you on the other side!

You will be a poet
You will be heroic
You will feel stoic
You will love yourself more
You’re strong and know it

You won’t be nothing
You’re hopeless
I don’t even understand
why you wrote this?
You live inside your head too much
I need you to focus

Prone to depression
The cause is unknown
Maybe from a broken heart
My house is not a home
I can’t tell anyone what’s going on
So instead I sing my sad song …

I wish to be a poet
I wish to be heroic
I wish to feel stoic
But I won’t be nothing
And I knows it

Ms. Lisa ,
A women with a good head on her shoulders
And an attitude so bold
Even though she’s my teacher
She also plays a motherly role

A leader that can follow
And take control
Been through trials and tribulations
Just a Testimony to her soul

She bends down and look me in my eyes

Listen Lisa,
Do not compromise
Your heart will not be your demise
Your emotions are the prize
The same thing that cause your fall
Will be the same thing to help you rise

WAIT, IS THAT ME ?
How could that be ?
I look down at my journal entry

You will be a poet
You will be heroic
You will feel stoic

Learn to love yourself more
You’re strong and know it
-Love Lisa

I thought I might not be
in this overgrowth forever
I thought of pressure,
knife or cancer
I thought of youthful plains
returning.

But Blueberry bushes
And Picnic dresses,
Oh the daisies will miss
your Laugh if they’re
Choked by dandelions!
so I planted dandelions.

But apple tree and orange
Painted Petals before
Trimmed hedges
Push-up soil
in Manicured patches there –
Where I planted spear thistles?

But Please, Do Not clear
the little untread passages
in the bark of hollow tree
Or beneath the hanging bush
to tuck yourself away,
Where else will you lay?
Why do you cut
every Stem and Stalk?
who will pollinate you
when your color is gone?
Crabgrass.

I thought I might not fight
invasion with invasion;
So I lit a match,
and bared my plains
to the sky.

dear eight year old navara,
how are things? i know the obvious answer is not so great and i’m sorry to have to ask but i wasn’t really sure how else to start this letter. how’s my dad? has he been eating? sleeping? try to make sure he’s taking care of himself, and don’t let the girls see him like that, they don’t need that right now. they need a strong big sister, a role model, things are different now and she’s not coming back to fix them so it falls on you. you don’t deserve to have to take on that responsibility, but someone has to do it. make sure they eat. keep your grades up, don’t cause any reason for worry from teachers, and daddy has enough to worry about with the bills. don’t rock the boat, get the laundry done, keep the room clean, and make sure you guys get to school on time. just keep the peace. you can do this navara. you shouldn’t have to but you can. you have your books, your music and it will get you through. i promise you that. and let me tell you how i know. i am in a library right now writing to you. i drove here in the car that we own, and we drove from our job at the mall. we only worked four hours today but hey it pays the bills and it’s emotionally fulfilling, as well as physically and mentally. we got a raise recently! our friends at work have our back, and i can honestly say its safe to be ourselves. they value our opinion, understand us, and help us when we allow them to, but we are working on that. as for outside of work, we are 21 now, so we go out occasionally… didn’t expect that did you? yeah girl, we actually dance! in fact, that is the main reason we go out. far cry from timid us who was afraid of boys, group projects, and any sort of human interaction whatsoever. we grew. beautiful thing isn’t it? we have a photo shoot with a friend coming up in late august, and we journal now. it helps a lot with the feelings. we have a book club and guess what the first book is? her favorite : twilight. we visit her sometimes. they buried her under a tree. it’s really peaceful. in fact we’re going there today. we talk everyday, but i thought i’d visit her today. i would tell you what we talk about but i’m not sure you’re ready for that yet. we buy groceries and pay rent now. i’m telling you, we’re real adults now. not fully on our own yet but we’ll get there. we learned how to be frugal from daddy, and it definitely doesn’t go unnoticed. i still catch myself getting mad at the both of them, one for leaving physically and the other emotionally but i know it does no one any good. on days like this though i remember why it had to happen the way it did. it brought me here. under the tree. at peace.

Sady Lady, reporting to you live from 2024 and I came back to 2012 to give you the official tour,
of your life as we advance with some spoilers. I heard you’re the big 1 8 and in good fashion, I’ve come to report that you have found your passion.

Is it a designer? No, that’s too flashy. Perhaps a biased journalist? No that’s a little too sassy.
You went for a more reserved path but you enjoyed the process, you take your overthinking and put your non-verbal skills to the test.

While pursuing a Central Pennsylvania secondary education, you went through one big obstacle that left you wondering if this is really your station.
It was your first “failure” to start your freshman year, you even started to wonder “damn should I even be here?”

However, through the grace of Jehovah, you found another avenue to explore. You were still a tech head, but you learned the origins of the first motherboard and it wasn’t a bore.

Even though you weren’t ready to program yet, majoring in the technology adjacent “computer forensics” was your best bet.

Since you were a kid, you loved puzzles and electronics, who knew in your adult age you’d end up learning the “phonics.”

Binary, hexadecimal, Encase, and FTK, are some of the software that helped you along the way.

For four years, you learned the ins and outs of the ever-growing advances technology yields . Alas! Your senior year came around and you had the opportunity to show how skilled you were in your field.

Dr. Barrett gave you an independent study to do research of your choice. It was like she read your mind, and your dream of studying the inner-workings of the famous SONY PLAYSTATION 4 allowed you to share your voice.

10 weeks of research, reporting, trial and error, you produced the final result and became the bearer of all your efforts in front of a crowd. While it was nerve racking, you had to give yourself a bow.

Fast forward to 2024, you are still present to write about your dream, and I hope this poem gives you some gleam.

What you learn is that success isn’t always a likely occurrence
However, the knowledge you gain should give you reassurance.

You even took up a new hobby writing about your inner interests and thoughts. Even found some cool recipes to put in your pots.

All this to say to the younger self, achieving your goals won’t always be available on a book shelf. Never look back and your future looks bright. Always remember to say a prayer a night. Even when the journey looks dim or blue, you have a great future ahead of you.

Sincerely,
Cece circa 2024