JOURNEY BACK HOME
I realize now, that I AM worth fighting for.
Not others fighting for me, but I am worth it to fight for myself, and in doing that I refuse to go back to the things, and people that have broke me time and time again.

I refuse to allow anything, or anyone, to mold me into who, or what, they want, or need, me to be, because I have now set boundaries.

I love myself enough to quit certain habits, and in return understand who I am, and why I feel the need to run away from myself, to face myself, to find love in myself, and respect for myself.

I’m still pretty new to this journey, and I’m not sure if there is one single ultimate outcome to this transition, but I do know that the more I love myself, to see myself, my body, my flaws, my scars with the same eyes that a mother has when her son has returned back home safe from the streets, and this time for good, I kind of just want to kick my dirty, sole worn shoes off and leave them outside of the door before coming back home to myself, because it is a dirty world out there.

My heart is sacred.
It has loved so many others without being loved back and in return, it has shattered time and time again, leaving me empty, but I show up for myself today to fill my cup back up, and take a good old sip of a tea I like to call self love.

I kind of just want to take a hot bath, and cook myself a good meal, something that I like and enjoy to nourish my body, because I deserve that.

I find myself now often times listening to songs and turn the volume all the way up, because the song makes my soul soar, and it allows inspiration to flow through me like nothing else can.

It’s so nice no longer worrying if the song is too loud for others, it’s so nice not walking on broken glass when it comes to displeasing others wants, expectations, and needs from me.

It has taken me 30 years to realize that I am enough, and then some.
That I am beautiful, if it wasn’t for my darkest hours in life I wouldn’t shine as bright as I do today, and with that I am able to be a guiding light for those who are where I used to be.

And sometimes I look back at that girl, who stood there alone just trying to seek validation from others, who wanted nothing more than to use up every fiber of her being, and I give her a hug.

Going back and giving that lost soul a hug is what has taught me about self love more than anything, because I show up today as the same person she needed then, but didn’t have it in herself at the time to be that for herself.

The day that I set boundaries and quit allowing people to use me I quit looking for validation from strangers, and I have in return built up the courage to tell the one looking back at me that she is worth it, that she is strong, that she is loved, because I love her.
I look back at pieces of myself I have shed along the way, and each bit of what has made me the woman that I am today.

I’m not afraid to say no.

Not afraid to distance myself from anything that no longer serves me.
I’m not afraid to speak my mind.
I’m no longer bending myself out of shape just to be what someone else wants me to be, or needs me to be.

-Who do you love?

-My partner, my family, my friends.

The list goes on, and even mere strangers make the cut.
And sadly enough, you forget the greatest love of all:
Self-Love.

If only they taught it to us in school.
Just as important as Math and Science,
Language Arts and yes, Health 101.

“When I get married…”
Those words echo through the school’s halls.
Young girls and women engraved to believe,
That we are not complete on our own.
To even the most romantic phrases like
“mi media naranja,” or “haf-orange” if you know what I mean.

Loving yourself is a life skill.
In searching for another’s acceptance and so-called love,
risk of losing your self-worth.
Is it worth it?

You deserve better.
Just love yourself first.
Sounds easy to me,
Until I remember the hardships endured by the women in my family.
Their sacrifice, my lessons.

Loving myself took some years.
I was single for a very long while.
First kiss, I think I was 21.
Some dates, complicated -ships, and even one night stands.
Nothing serious
because truth be told,
I was always happy by myself.

How did I do it?
Not even I know, but I suspect I was forced to learn to love myself
when my mom passed away.
Patience with my healing, setting boundaries, surviving.
Gradually wanting more for myself.
A love of my own: Self-love.
Then, a love of life.
Everything else
they say, falling into place.
First relationship and love at 29.
Shocking in this society.

Was it perfect timing?
What about fate?
Soulmates?
I will never know.
I adore my love and even then he knows my code.

Grief has shown me,
Whispered in my ear,
“Don’t base your life on another human being.”
I lost my mom and for a second believing,
I no longer wanted to live.
Insisting it’s different from wanting to die,
It IS different but still terrifying.
The journey taught me to be content
With just me.
Solitude, my beautiful companion.
Everything else,
a huge blessing.

My alone time,
so dear to me.
Just as important as family time, date nights, and work.
It’s something that my soul so desperately needs.
Practicing self-love,
the most important lesson to be learned.

I love myself.
These words replace the others before.
I love myself for believing in me.
For choosing happiness despite the mishappenings.
For ignoring the negativity, the people calling me naive.
I love just that,
the optimist in me.

I like the way
You get gripped
In the palms of a man
Ravenous in his pursuit
To hold everything
From my neck
To my hips.
He takes his time
With you
Because he knows you
To be special
To be precious and beautiful

I’m sorry
I had to see your beauty
Through someone else’s eyes.
So now,
I write this poem with pride
Waving my pen like it’s
A flag for my flawes.

So let this serve
As a love letter
To my love handles
A memento
To my muffin top
A song for my stretchmarks
A poem for my pudge
Feels for my fupa
Cuz I ain’t missin no meals

Let this serve
As an apology
To some of the best parts
Of my body.
I was told to shame you.
Taught to be embarrassed
By you.
I’ve tried to chase you away
Dance you away
Bike you away
But you’re persistence
Perseveres –
And inspires me.
If you can hold on
Where you’re told you don’t belong,
Where might I learn to rise
Despite resistance?

So thank you.
Thank you for
Inspiring.
Thank you for
Stretching.
Thank you for
Protecting.
Thank you for
Making outfits
Someone else said
You would ruin.
Thank you for
Being there for lovers.
Thank you for
Being there for me.

Finding faith, Feeling high,
Figuring out Falling low,
Falling asleep Finding flow,
Having doubt (is this a haiku?) Making more room to grow.

Hello Love,
I wanted to stop in and tell you why i love you..
I love you because you’ve always believed in rainbows and unicorns even when the world proved that to be untrue. I love you because even when you did not want to keep going, even when you didn’t know how, what or when, you just kept going! I love you because of your fearless attitude and faith, you’ve never been afraid to dare the devil and walk away for better even when it took everything in you. I love you because even when the world made you believe you didn’t deserve love you still chose you and chose to love yourself anyway. I love you because you always chose kindness and love even though all the world has shown you is broken hearts and broken trust. I love you because you choose love, you choose to express love to the world by smiling at strangers and sharing affirming words. I love you because you remained grateful even when you had nothing but life to be grateful for but as your aunt would say “Once you have life, you have everything! What’s not dead, don’t throw it away!”.
I love you because you dared to want and try to go after something different from what you grew up seeing around you.
I love you because you said “It stops with me!’ you saw the patterns you didn’t want to be. I love you because even when you had your own storms to mop up you would still help those you love mop their puddles.
I Love you because you always believed in luck, even the times when you were fed up and saw no such sign. I love you because you chose to “be the change you want to see” and even when you don’t get the claps and congratulations you keep going. I love you because you decide time and time again that you deserve the utmost best!
I love everything about you even when your perfectionism gets in the way of things, but that’s exactly why i love you because you are perfectly imperfect regardless of what the world expects from you.

genuine, whole hearted, full send 0-100.
pinky promises with a side of sticky noted kind words–and those reminders I know you’ll forget about otherwise..
the ‘who are you when no one’s watching?’ type of real, and the ‘don’t do something to someone that you wouldn’t want done to you’ type of deals.
work hard, work harder, then play a little harder too.
the little bit of ‘extras’ with a side of ‘I was just thinking of you.’
values that hold a foundation, respect that demands the arrival,
honesty to keep it all true, and humbleness to bring the pieces full circle.
finding strength in the harder things, while staying grateful too–
using the big girls’ voice, for the ones who get swept under the rug
Team Tippy Toes for the ones told to ‘stay small’
putting both feet back down to stand for the principles that matter
and reminders of “one day at a time” for those forgetting who they are–
stay humble, stay kind, stay genuine, stay true,
stay weird, stay you.

3 Tippy Toe steps forward, and 1 of em’ back,
well hey, that’s still progress–
and I love you for that.

–xoxo,
A