Well in the last few years I have learned to Never give up, it all started when my father passed away and then within a few months a tree that I grew up with was in danger of being cut down and THANK YOU JESUS, the tree is STILL STANDING, I have watched this year as my mom has been diagnosed with Acute Leukemia.She is beating it , QUITTING isn’t a Option NEVER GIVE UP

Awoken by the phone,
Heart races, stomach turns.
Speeding home through salty tears.

Flashing red lights, sirens.
Plain white walls, nurses, doctors.
“I’m sorry. We did everything we could.”
“Know that he didn’t suffer.”

You can’t be gone.
There must be a mistake.
How could you leave me?
Who will walk me down the aisle?
Does everything really happen for a reason?
Will I understand someday?

Tears stream for days.
Days into weeks, weeks into months.
People show their true colors.
“It’s been months, why are you still crying?”
I pack my bags; I’m all alone.
The colorless world gets darker.
I retreat to my cocoon.

In the darkness, a moment of clarity:
I am existing.
I am surviving.
I am not living.

You exist in memory; I exist in flesh.
You are gone; I am here.
You are not alive; I NEED to live.

I was a caterpillar.
Predators feasted on me.
I survived. I formed a cocoon.
If you hadn’t left,
I never could have transformed.

Now I emerge with beautiful wings.
Now I understand.
Now I can soar.

“Nothing changes if nothing changes”
Things just stay the same
“Nothing changes if nothing changes”
New players same old game
If things don’t get better
Then things won’t grow
Trust me when I tell you this
For this is a lesson I know
New beginnings
Scary starts
The fear of not knowing
The breaking of hearts
“Nothing changes if nothing changes”
New day same old me
“Nothing changes if nothing changes”
The person I could grow to be
If I could let go
If I could give in
I’d be beaming with pride
Not dripping with sin
“Nothing changes if nothing changes”
The power we have to see
That giving in
That starting over
The ability to forsee
“Nothing changes if nothing changes”
You are getting in your way
“Nothing changes if nothing changes”
Alas, a brand new day
Embrace it
Welcome it
My hope is you will see
That “Nothing changes if nothing changes”
You hold the key to being free

Turning back the clock. To where I was never the same. I found myself alone in the woods. Locked in battle with my mind. Where the voices drove me onward till at last lost. Lost to a fake reality. Subjected to cruelty of their words. All out of my sanity. Then forced to be locked away. Without knowing why. Thinking loved ones forsaken me. That heaven was going to reject me. The devil was on the prowl. Yes!!! Forever changed by that nightmare. To be withdrawn into myself. But also more humble and kind. Never ill wishing towards anyone. To stop and listen. To think before I speak. Never judge anyone’s circumstances. To find a quiet resilience. A strength I never knew I had. Learning that the mind can be a dangerous place. But with the right help can change anything around.

The hardest lessons I’ve learned
The hardest lessons to learn in general,
Are the ones I feel ive truely earned,
As I still bear the scars from how my heart burned.

The only turning point i know
From the crying in cemeteries alone to the empty dial tone on the other side of the phone
Some people use people
And its something I was repetitively shown,
But the hardest lesson to get to know
Are the ones you will be repetitively given
History repeating itself, you’ll be made to relive it .

They treated you like your humanity was a resource
Not a person , less than a human being
Until you were drained and crying in pain
Feeling the shame for life’s disdain.
I’m sorry you chose the wrong people.
I’m sorry they played with your feelings
As if your mind and emotions were a game of solitaire but they chose to cut in.
Im sorry you Learned that even if they say they are,
Not everyone is your friend
And they were holding the knife again

But You did it again
And again,
And again,
Feeling like a Foolish girl
Who thought she had a place in the world, to make amends.
Filled with happiness laughter and friends
Only to find out she wasn’t worth it in the end.
I’m sorry youre the only one saying sorry again.

We are living on borrowed time
Temporary here to stay
Don’t waste every dime
And never go out of your way

Let life take you to a magical place
In every step that you take
Laughter and joy on every face
With every breath you make

Life will come and go
Faster than you can see
Allow it to to truly flow
And never give up on thee

Sometimes you won’t understand
The battles you will endure
Your end of life is the promise land
So embrace it and make it pure

Be the voice we need to hear
And do your best on earth
Gods love is always near
As it’s sent from up above.

Life is a beautiful race.
Embrace it and take your place.

Pick yourself up like a buttercup.
God chose you to show your stuff.

Live life as if there’s no tomorrow.
He will always remove the sorrow.

Never look back and let it go
Remove your past and let life flow

Beauty always comes from within
Never worry about the end

Keep moving forward and never look back
Sometimes life is supposed to crack

Change is a beautiful journey in life
Continue at it and make your strife

What lies ahead is the finish line
Get out the there and make yourself shine.

Thinking back, it feels so surreal
Almost like that time in my life wasn’t real…
A young hurting heart, full of anger and hate
Yet also consumed by this hollow emptiness
A hardened stone beating in my chest
Living in a constant state of unrest
Man… I really was a mess…
A suicidal teen ready to accept my fate
Chasing after anything to escape the feeling
Only for it to fester, internally reeling
Washing down pills with liquor
Til my head would hit the floor, and I’d watch the lights flicker…
Using cocaine to ease the pain
Opiates to go numb
And ecstasy to free myself from the mass of misery I’d become
What started as a release and a way to “let loose”
Became my form of self abuse
As scars on the skin are hard to hide…
Tho for a time I tried….
Suicide was something I didn’t just think about, but began to idolize
Cursing God that I’d ever been born
I’d look in the mirror at the thing I despised;
The kind and gentle kid, who’s heart had been tattered and torn
The misfit who just wanted to belong
Downtrodden by this worlds scorn
Til he believed everything about his existence was wrong
I saw myself as less than nothing
Not even a person, only a husk of a man
Wanting to just fade from memory
To set myself free
I started formulating plans
To finally end the suffering
In a moment of desperation
I made a proclamation
To the very God that I cursed
Putting down the knife
Telling Him I’d give Him one opportunity to do whatever He wanted to do with my life…
My wounds He started to nurse
His Spirit touched the depths of my soul
And for the first time, I was whole
The healing process was fast but slow
As I had to face my hurt, and learn what it is to forgive and let go
I learned that this heart I was belittled for
Is something Christ truly adores
The drugs lost their appeal
As they couldn’t compare to the wholeness His presence made me feel
There was nothing of myself that earned His love and acceptance
But only by accepting the covering of Christ’s blood and receiving His mercy
Was I truly set free
And that night was my turning point, my first act of repentance

Dear Unsealed,
My faith keeps me sane.
There are many twists & turns in my life.
I will be 75 on September 18, 2024.
As one that goes before
Gen Z and other decades I have many stories to tell
As deep as an old wishing well.
I worked at The LA Times,
All day every day.
I met my kid’s dad,
Which turned out to be very sad.
He did not work there.
His twin did.
I met Jekyll & Hyde, I did
But blew it off,
Threw salt over my shoulder for a start.
Neither were in journalism or writing or art.
They were both security guards.
Oh lordy!
As an empath I dated a narcissistic guard
Who pretended to care,
Wined & dined me.
So, it would be
I was so naïve.
Well, that would be I had two C-Sections.
Both were ten pound babies,
One was born 1983,
The other was born 1987,
The year before my mom went to heaven.
This was a marriage of two boomers in the 80s.
The father was from south LA.
The mom is from North Hollywood,
Of her own hood.
I am of worldly DNA.
He is a Black Republican narcissist.
He is a gun loving nut.
He is a woman hater.
So, when I found out he lied to me profusely everyday
Along the way of the everyday
Way, we trod to different roads and ways,
Of how I was so naïve.
I was into college and looking forward of being a reporter soon.
But he manipulated me as a man into marrying him.
He wined & dined my parents under the moon
In REDONDO BEACH pier,
Only to smear
My mom’s name after she died of a massive heart attack 1988.
When he told me he hated my mom & glad she was dead
I cried for days.
My heart was broken that day
I found out he was cheating on me,
It had to be,
More lies!
I traveled to Palm Springs with my boyfriend. I left the boys at their dad’s mom’s house. Upon arriving back to my Burbank apartment, I found out my ex, the kids dad and his twin had locked me out because I vacationed in Palm Springs. I cried for hours.
My plan was to pick the boys up from their grandma’s house. When I called my ex, I was banned from seeing them. He told me I was a bad mom. He spent over 30 grand on a divorce attorney. I spent 600 bucks on my Montgomery Ward attorney. It was a horrific divorce. I loved my boys very much, but the courts took my kids and placed them with their narcissistic dad.
The turning point was when I chose to go on a vacation with my movie boyfriend to celebrate my birthday in the year of 1989.
My ex is still trying to turn my boys and now my grands against me because I am a liberal boho hippie chick who still is an empath, a liberal, equality for all, for gun control and education for all.
I accept the fact that he is holding my personality and belief systems against me. He once told me during the divorce that he had to blame me for everything because he was perfect and wanted to keep his job.
I began with a poem and a prose as I have my entire life but the seriousness of the 1980s events changed my life more than anyone will ever know.
I continued to work in the music and film industry moving forward. I was a union rep for the IATSE at Universal Studios Hollywood, worked freelance for three newspapers, and continued my educational pursuits until I was 51 years old.
However, when I told my grown boys the truth, they were angry with me, calling me a liar. It did not end well. Now my ex, my two boys want to shut me down politically and as a human being. This is probably because I tell the truth, and you do not push a narcissist into the wall because they sting like a honeybee and dig into the person spreading their venom across states and other humans. I have been in therapy for many years. I am much better now. The turning point from being a good mother to becoming a bad human as my ex called me in 1989 was shocking and like a horror film.
I watched a movie from the 80s called, “The Good Mother”, a 1988 movie about a divorced mom with a daughter who meets an artist, and her ex gets custody of the child. The movie is available on Prime Video.
I pray every day for peace, love, & understanding. I will continue my humanitarian activist ways!

“You’re the song my soul sings in silence every time the world gets too hard to handle.” Tales of Ipsita

my soul sings in silence
By: Jim Kellogg
(The Queer Poet)
7-4-24

my soul sings in silence
it may be heard in the hush –
my lullaby –
on the breath of the wind
it intones joy and gratefulness
like a hummingbird in flight
quick, vibrant bursts of happiness
as a tower of bliss
standing lofty and strong
i find happiness in small beginnings
i find gratitude and purpose in minute moments
my soul sings in silence

like waves
By: Jim Kellogg
(The Queer Poet)
7-30-24

like waves
eating away at the shore
acrid and biting remarks
ate away at my soul

their mentions
caused tremendous erosion
of my essence
leaving me little choice but to shy away

what was less obvious
to the outsiders
was the intense and malicious crushing
of my poetic queer voice –

the part of myself
that distinguishes me from others
sets me apart
makes me unique –

how dare they
presumptuous, brazen, and rude
leave me
shocked and full of disdain and anger

despite their attempts
to silence me
i celebrate my voice
limitless and breathtaking

Dear Unsealed,
My mottos are from my favorite lady Maya Angelou
“IF you’re always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be”
“You nay not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them”
La vita è bella
I want to share
To the world
The big ball of Earth
Spinning in the sky
My looking forward poem that so relates to my favorite lady poet, Maya Angelou as it similar to my motto of moving forward through the storms.
I found this poem I wrote in 1967 or 1968. I suppose I was beyond my years at that time of my life’s journey. I found out one must ‘carry on’ through the storms that our universe sends us or that we casually ‘bump’ into along the roads we choose throughout our lifetime.
Despite the nays and the ‘you can’t do that’ or ‘you are not college material’ suggestions from a friend of yesteryear. I was already in college, so I tossed her suggestion away into yesterday’s trash bin. Because she knew not how or when or where or what she was talking about.
There are different roads to choose as we reach each decade of our life’s journey in time. I chose the road of different avenues and boulevards along the straight path cause’ I was curious. I don’t regret studying nursing and healthcare. I don’t regret studying union management. I don’t regret studying journalism, art, and film. Now I have so many stories to tell. I have so many songs to write. The avenues and boulevards I strolled down off the beaten straight path taught me lessons to remember in my next lifetime of creation and light.
So, I will share my poem from my back pages of 57 years ago in another time period before computers, cell phones, and AI. Each decade presented a new chapter in my life of fun, work and strife. I don’t look back and say how bad I was for different relationships or different guys in my life each decade. We all meet people along the way. Some people will stay. Some people will go. That’s life in a ‘nutshell’ with detours; the good, the bad, the ugly and the absolutely beautiful scenarios that happened that make me laugh, cry and ‘jump for joy’ in time and space of our universe to live, love and spread light.
“LOOK FORWARD”
Written by Vicki Lawana Trusselli 1967
It’s been a long life,
Had a whole lot of learning.
Had a good time,
But there’s still that yearning.

There’s been bad times
When the way looked dim
I prayed and hoped for better.
Yes, I prayed to her or him. (“God is omnipotent of all genders.”)

Tears have come and gone.
Heartaches I’ve had great,
But each new tomorrow
Opens a new gate.

This gate is bright and shiny.
This gate opened my heart
When I’ve gone wrong
To help me make a new start.

The dark clouds appear,
To which there seems no end
But pray and hope things will change,
That they want be like they’ve always been.

Look forward with a smile
When the end seems near
Don’t give up hope
Just dry that tear,

For your life will change
When you hope and pray
And try and try more each day,
Just over the rainbow there’s a brand-new day.
La vita è bella

Dear Romeo,

Since you’ve been gone, all I can think about is what you taught me. I am so
grateful to have learned so many life lessons from you. You were my best
friend and almost my lover too. Here is some of your best advice:
● Don’t dress like an elf (even though I still have my elf shoes, I
coordinate them now . . . most days anyway).
● Don’t hang up the phone without saying a proper goodbye and giving
the other person a chance to do the same.
● Don’t dance to music ridiculously; appreciate it.
● Appreciate items genuinely when someone lets you borrow them and
make sure to give them back.
● Be extra patient with the people you love.
● Be thankful and grateful for the little things and smallest of gifts.
● Learn by doing.
● Get sincerely excited when something awesome is happening (like
being at a Flogging Molly concert)
● Love the planet, protect it, and stand up for it, even if you fail.
● Go to the places you have always dreamed of going, and do the things
you have always dreamed of doing.
● Appreciate great music (metal bands like Of Mice and Men, Attila,
beautiful bands like Pretty Lights, and some goofy 80’s and 90’s bands
like New Kids on the Block)
● Always make time for the people you love.
● Be yourself and don’t worry about impressing people.
● Love the quiet spots of home (Beans Bottom, the pump house, etc.)
● Never feel like you have to deal with anything alone. Those who love
you the most will never let that happen.
Your Best Friend,

Dad,

It’s been six years. Six years of living with a pain I knew was inevitable. With the inevitability of it, one could hope to prepare but the magnitude of your presence made that impossible and I knew that too.

For twenty-three years, you were the best dad. As cliché as it may sound, you were. A single parent to a strong willed, sharp tongued little girl, or as most would say, just plain mean, you ensured I had everything I needed, patience, love, and understanding…along with the material things. Looking back, your resourcefulness is astounding. I remember you calling into radio stations, winning tickets to see ballet troupes such as, Les Ballet Africains or concert tickets for groups like the Wailers. You wanted to expose me to as much as possible. I had the privilege of going everywhere with you, including your job. Every day. By the time, I was fourteen, I had traveled to over fifteen states, and none of your colleagues would be surprised to see me at your annual conferences. You put me in tennis and dance classes, and would stay up all night helping me with homework and consistently gave me satirical approaches to biased essay assignments.

While everything you did for me was remarkable, your exceptional character left the indelible mark. Being an educator and organizer, I observed you at many podiums. The well being of people was your priority. It was exhibited in you letting your students borrow your personal laptop so they could complete assignments and in your organization of events attended by thousands fighting against injustices. You were known for closing out conversations, meetings, and speeches by saying ‘Forward!’ The full version being, ‘Forward Forever! Backward Never!’

Growing up, I had an acute awareness that you likely would not live an extensive life due to the work you did and the society we live in. I constantly stressed about how I would live in a world without you. I would remind myself that wasn’t my reality, ‘cross that bridge once we arrive’ and I hoped to never get there, but then you were diagnosed with cancer at stage 4 and after fighting several years, we arrived at that bridge.

I’ll never forget being the one to tell you and I apologize for not delivering the news with the tenderness I know you would’ve if the roles were reversed. Three weeks. That was the prognosis. In the proceeding days, I grabbed a pen and yellow pad, but that wasn’t enough. I opened the voice notes app on my phone and pressed record, prepared to soak up as much knowledge as I could. Most of my questions were met with an “I don’t know.” I was frustrated but I recognized that while you were dying you didn’t have the ability to write the story of how I would live. You never did. You always told me my life was mine. At the end of the day, I had to be happy. “I don’t know” wasn’t the only answer I got that day to my endless list of questions. You also told me to maintain my principles and when asked what I should keep in mind at all times when life got hard and I needed you, you said remember all the happy moments. I didn’t know what to do with that or so I thought.

About a month after you passed, I reached out to the advisor of the academic journal for my graduate program about returning to the editorial board for which I had served as an editor the year prior. I was simply asking if I needed to apply to the position again. It was fun and I was no longer a caregiver so I figured I didn’t have a reason not to. I received an unexpected response; she emailed back letting me know that she would like to discuss me becoming the next co-editor-in-chief. Given my social anxiety, I thought the logical response would be to respectfully decline like I did the undergraduate valedictorian speech where you were quietly disappointed. There was no way I could oversee a board of my peers and be a primary voice in publishing a publication that reflected them along with an academic institution, but I knew to identify the voice that was saying I couldn’t, fear. You always repeated the quote “There’s nothing to fear but fear itself. ” So, despite my fears, I took the position. I asked us to define our objective because everything should be done with a purpose. Most importantly, it should be done together. You taught me that the world should be left a better place than we found it. We should leave something for the next generation to build off. The only way we leave something substantial is by working together so I blurred the lines of editors, managing editors, and co-editors-in-chief ensuring that all decisions were made collectively and objectively. You encouraged and nurtured critical thought. “You need to think at all times.” I remember that coming to me the night before our most important meeting where our shortlist would be finalized and I jokingly thought ‘what interesting ideas would be mentioned to increase readership that weren’t in line with our objective’ so I could prepare. However, I ended up coming up with an idea that did align with our objective, to have a panel at the annual research symposium, which the board was excited to create. A month before we published, I received another unexpected email, I was the co-recipient of one of the department’s annual awards, for making the greatest contribution to the student association and publication. They went on to detail what I mentioned above. My goal in defining our objective, fostering a democratic environment, and developing ideas for growth wasn’t to win an award but lead the creation of a body of work people could be proud of. Not just those actively working on it but those who entered the program after us. That was you.

Three years later, I was seeking a job opportunity where I could grow and develop my skills. I came across a position at a prestigious university. For once in my life, I didn’t overthink it. I applied. During my third interview, walking around the campus, the interviewer asked if I thought I could oversee a student staff of seventy people. Without hesitation, I said “yes.” So much so, he responded, “yes?” and I reaffirmed. In that moment, I honestly shocked myself. Before eventually accepting the position, the largest staff I oversaw was that of about twenty people. I didn’t know how I would do it successfully. How I would make sure they not only succeeded in their responsibilities of the position but I nurtured their talents and skills in preparation of them entering the real world, how I would lead meetings, present to large audiences and stakeholders on their behalf. Nine months into the position, on my birthday, I got a text message, a two-minute video of more than twenty students sending well wishes and saying thank you. Two months later when our seniors graduated, I received messages and cards expressing similar gratitude.

I thought I didn’t know how to live in a world without you, but in continuing to just move forward, one step at a time, I think I do. Thank you.

Love,

Dear Family Friend,

It’s been a while since I last wrote you a thank you note or any letter.

It’s not even ten years since you went to the After Life.

In the beginning, I would never have considered you and your sister becoming our friends of the family since we had nothing in common. But life is full of great surprises.

My brother and I still remember when I put my big life-size plush dog in the coat closet to jump at you when you opened the door. And then you did the payback of putting him in the bathtub behind the shower curtain for me to jump back. Good one!

It was lovely of you to cut your long auburn hair and donate it to make wigs for kids with cancer. I never realized how thick it was. I still treasure my long hair, but intend to donate it one day in your honor.

When having your first grandson, you kept saying “I’m too young to be a grandma!”, as one in her forties. Soon enough, you would not stop talking about him and showing many baby pictures. I almost wanted to poke fun at the fact that you weren’t ready to be a grandma beforehand. I’m so glad now I kept quiet——it was one of your most joyous times, a month before the diagnosis.

I know everyone has habits, and sometimes can’t help it. Yet, this was one of those times that I hated smoking.

Because you loved my handmade items, you asked that I knit you a purple hat with the light yellow cancer ribbon attached. I always knew that I would knit hats for cancer patients. But never thought the first was to be for a friend.

When you had the strength to visit, you proudly displayed the hat I made. Then, you took it off to show your bald head that once held the short thick auburn hair. I knew that the hair was gone. I only stood there, emotionless, mind blank. With your hand on my shoulder, from hazel eyes to brown eyes, you said “It’s going to be alright. I’m fine.”

You needed to say that for yourself than for me at the time. You wanted courage. You never want us to worry or fret.

For months, it looked like you would beat it. In the end, cancer beat the chemo. Only months left. There was nothing to do.

You and your family got to watch over my cat, for the last time, She sure liked you since she was a kitten. I believe she knew you were going away, because she wasn’t energetic, and didn’t want to play for six weeks… as if she were in her way of mourning.

It was a stormy, summer Sunday when you left.

Your memorial service was very colorful. Your “Wizard of Oz” collection is on display, some items for auction (so to take your ashes to New York since you wanted to go there), with cookies and donuts, and many of the firefighters there as friends of yours. And it’s like you are playing the last prank by being late to your funeral! (They forgot to take your ashes to the altar!)

You always admired anything made by me and my brother. You said that if any of us became famous, you would love a personal autograph. Your sister and you were among the few who believed in us. Sometimes, I feel survivor’s guilt since you aren’t here to see our success or published work based on your encouragement and support. It will even be harder in the years to come.

Yet, you never would want me to live a life that isn’t mine. You wouldn’t want me to pity or be easily discouraged, not even let me live the simple life, knowing I wouldn’t be happy to live that way. You would want me to unlock all the creativity from my mind to change the world!

So far, your sister stopped working in the cleaning business and now works alongside children with special needs.

My brother is still in love with filming and has worked on a few fun projects.

You would have loved to meet my husband. He’s very sweet, supportive, and has some jokes and pranks up his sleeve from time to time like the rest of us.

As for me, I’ve been working on my handmade items for a future business, but have my hands full in writing projects. Each one step closer to something more to fulfill the long-time dream.

We all miss, and think of you, often. I know that whatever my life will be, you will shout and cheer me on. I will see you again one day, friend.

Plenty of days
In plenty of ways
I never thought
I had to live without
The woman who birth me
Continuously struggling
With her absence
Trying to put the pieces back together
Rebuilding my life
Without my mom
To witness my success
And the failures
I had to overcome
Without her keen talks
To cheer me up
Makes me feel sad and blue
I yearn for her voice
Her smile
Her laugh
Her presence
That’s why I always tell people
Cherish your mom
‘Cause losing her
You can never get another
Just memories to last forever
Besides my Bae, family and close friends
Being a source of inspiration
My mom is honestly the driving force
Behind my tenacity
She taught me the importance of
Hard work and dedication
She was amazing at everything she did
She got opportunities to live her life
As she saw fit
Much of her is in me
I’m her twin
Many can tell by just looking at me
In life and in death
My mom continues to show me
I can do all that I set out to do
No matter what I’m doing
Or what I’m going through
I take a moment or two
To reflect:
What will mommy do?
What will mommy say?
All the while reminding myself
That she is 1 of the reasons
That I am who I am
I’m forever grateful
For my Granny and Grandpa
God rest their souls
‘Cause without them
There will be no Margot
So I’m forever thankful
For her legacy
Now it’s time to create mines
Mama, I will make you proud‼️