Dear Layla,
You sweet baby.
I ask that you start showing yourself grace. This won’t be easy especially when you feel as if your weight defines you, you’re lost, and unbearably alone. First things first, your weight has never and will never be an indicator of who you are. In a time where you should’ve been learning to love yourself for who you are, you were taught the opposite. You’re a big girl, so what! Don’t skip that meal when you’re hungry, don’t get nervous to eat what you want in front of people, and don’t feel you can’t do or be who you want because of your size. Being a bigger size does not mean you have to love yourself any less. If anything there’s more of you to love and every inch of you deserves a piece of it. Start learning that nobody, no matter who they are to you, defines you. You define you and Layla, my darling, you are beautiful. I know you don’t hear it enough or sometimes it feels you don’t hear it at all but, you have to start believing it.
You have to start believing in yourself. There is so much doubt in your head about what you should be doing you can’t see clearly what you are capable of. Right now pleasing mama seems like the direction you have to take because you feel like you have no direction for yourself. She’s such a powerful force who seems to have it all figured out not just for herself but you as well. She’s created this whole narrative of what you should do and who you’ll become so it seems all too natural to follow her lead. Unfortunately, the confusion is still in your mind and you can’t figure out why. It’s because you are not as lost as you think. What you have seen for yourself and what is expected of you don’t align. Creativity runs through you and trying to stifle that part of you has led to your confusion. Lean more into what pleases you and not what will satisfy mama. As powerful as she is, she does not have it all figured out. The only reason her vision of you has been pushed on you so hard for so long is because you didn’t believe in yourself enough to push back. Push back! Yes, it would be amazing if she supported you fully in all your endeavors but that’s not her. Yes, it hurts because it makes you feel as if her love is conditional but you cannot let this hold you down. If living your life the way you see fit disappoints her but makes you happy, what are you willing to choose? Your happiness or her acceptance? Choose happiness. Choose you.
Now, throughout the years you found out the hard way how cruel this world can be. The first man a daughter is supposed to love and trust in her life is her father. You were told he was that for you as a little girl but, as you grew older he became the consistent reminder of being careful who you let into your heart. This didn’t stop you from letting people in because baby, as much as you try to hide it now, your heart is as big as an ocean. Sadly, some of the people you let in have slowly chipped away at it. You need to know that as cruel as this world can be at times, you don’t need to harden your heart to be a part of it. Everyone in this world has some type of pain or struggle they are going through. While this is not an excuse for people hurting you, it can give you some insight and maybe comfort that their reasoning for doing so is not because of you. Stop pushing yourself into seclusion for fear of being hurt again. Pain, disappointment, fear are all part of the human experience and it will happen time and time again. All these feelings are only temporary. One day you’ll come to realize you aren’t as alone as you think. You will have people come into your life who see you for you. They accept you for you. They love you for you! You just have to be willing to let them in. As cliché as it is to say, listen to your gut, it will always guide you in the right direction. When you do this you’ll see who’s always been there for you, they’ve been attached to your soul for longer than you know.
If there is anything that I want you to take away from this whole letter it’s that you are a beautiful, creative, and resilient being. Believing in yourself even if you feel no one else does will never steer you wrong. Finally my darling, you are deserving of the world and so much more.

Sincerely,
Future You

Dear Teenage Self
There are many things I wish to tell you. You need to ask for help it’s not a sign of weakness or failure. Everyone needs it now and then. My young self I know you need it. You were never a burden you are loved. But you have to start loving yourself by accepting your complexion you are a black woman who needs to own it and your hair may be a pain but it is yours. Learn to work with it you will learn to love it. Don’t let people convince you any differently about Who You Are. Deep down you truly know don’t shy away from it. Of course, it is scary and unsure but you need to be bold.
Friends will come and go some friends become more and that will break your heart but it will mend again. Stay true. Let love in even if it doesn’t last those feelings are something worthy of experiencing. You go through trials with your friend but in the end, it will make you both strong and set healthy boundaries. You also be gifted a friend who will hold you down when you need the most. These two hold a significant value in your heart don’t be afraid to tell people you love them. Allow them in you won’t scare them away.
You hold so much within gotta learn to let it out. Regrets have been had that is okay hold on to those. But move forward and try not to have much more in your life.
I need you to be strong. I need you to be better at procrastinating. Follow your gut and that damn heart those two come hand in hand.
A couple of reminders you are a black beautiful woman. Dress however you see
fit. Date who you wish to date whether man or woman. Stand strong in your convictions always be you.

Mija, we’ve always known that something wasn’t right with the world, but before you shave your head and draw on your brows, find solace in your beautiful, brown skin. I know that when you walk down the street it’s with a scathing hardness you wear like a badge of honor. I know that your scowl is self preservation so people know not to fuck with you, but Mija, they always will. Before you make plans to fight the homegirl that took one too many cigarettes from your pack, think about why you smoke in the first place. We know it’s to help calm the rage inside you but where is it directed at this point in time? Is nicotine your savior because you can’t stand listening to our anti-feminist dad spew religious nonsense at you for being ‘gay like your mom’, like he isn’t the reason we live on the streets when it’s not his weekend? Maybe it’s for our manipulative Mother, promising time and time again a stable place to live while she caters to the whim of a partner that doesn’t show up for her? Or is it because it’s the one thing you have in common with mom’s abusive girlfriend to keep calm before the domestic storm? Could it just be that you like your weed and Adderall to have a companion, because you know how loneliness cascades?

Mija, make sure you give our little sister a kiss before you sneak out to hustle and sling at the punk show. Promise her you’ll take her to the library to get her next meal. Did you ever stop to think it strange how drugs are more easily available than food, to people like us? How even the public library that offers free meals to youth on weekends, never once drew you in to feed you knowledge? But there is kindness in the eyes of those that see you as more than a dirty southside kid; The Paleta man that gives you an ice cream, and sometimes a buck or two, or your art teacher that believes your talent for drawing will help you heal. Always be grateful and give to others in any way you can, because if you deserve liberation, so do they.

Mija, when you grow, you will heal, so hold on. Keep drawing pretty pictures, laugh boisterously, listen to Sinéad and Fiona and cry, move across the country, move across the country AGAIN, make countless mistakes, always be weary of who you buy drugs from, get sober, HEAL. And above all, continue to not listen to adults because they don’t know shit.
Mi Hija,
I know,
I know,
I know,
how much you hurt.
I know,
I know,
I know,
what causes your pain.
I know,
I absolutely fucking know,
Because you are my daughter
and I am yours.

Hey, may I come in? I ask because I know you never got much time to really be yourself, mother was always barging in.
I’m used to asking ‘how’re you doing,’ though I know exactly how you’re doing. Well, for the most part, some stuff’s gotta come back to me.
Hey, put down your phone. I know you love to be on Twitter, I know BTS are just landing in LA, I would stay up all night watching them on TV. God, I miss my old Twitter friends and hope they’re doing well too. Anyways…
Can you look at me for a second though?
You see me? You like my hair? I know you’ve always wanted blue hair since middle school, I finally got to dye it! It’s a lot to keep up with. The hair oil is saving my poor scalp.
You like my tattoos too? See them? You always draw on your hands and fingers, I figured you’d like to see the ones I have. They’re just some Roman numerals on my fingers. On my left hand, the numerals show my birth date, and on my right, they show the date that dad passed away. That way, he’s always with me. I hope you know he’s always with you, even right now.
Is that Luna laying on the other side of the bed? Hi Lu! My furry sidekick. She’s gotten so old, her face is fully grayed out, she’s walking a bit slower now too. Though, she still stalls around in the kitchen waiting for food. She still sticks out her butt to get scratches too. Still as childlike, still as beautiful as the night sky.
Anyways, I wanted to stop by to sit with you, you don’t have to say anything right now. I’m here. I’m present. I needed that when I was your age, and I didn’t get it very much, at least from people closest, which is so crazy to me. It happens.
I looked in the mirror today and I felt cute for once, it’s been a rough couple weeks, just wanted to show you my outfit. I bet you’re gonna look so cool when you grow up! You look beautiful now even laying like a stink in bed, and no I’m not gassing you up. There’s beauty in everything I think, from the breathtaking kind to the tragic kind. There’s always meaning to it.
I really love your room! Mine was the same color when I was in high school! Mint green, but that super vivid shade. Look, my phone case matches the walls! You almost can’t see it except for the autograph on it.
The autograph? Oh yeah! I went to Comic Con a few weeks ago. It was so much fun! Did you know Steve from Blues Clues goes to those? I went with my brother and a friend of mine, we walked up, I couldn’t afford to get a picture signed, so I just gave him my phone case. He even left a paw on there, so Blue was there too. He gave some great advice to my friend, she wants to be an actress, you guys should definitely meet some day. She’s super fun to be around, goofy, smart, talented, y’all would crack the biggest jokes.
You also remember Shaggy from those Scooby Doo films right? You used to watch them as a kid. We met him too! He was so sweet, it was just for a brief picture but it was so worth it. I wish I brought it with me! Oh well. You’d absolutely love it.
I’m getting a bit off track, forgive me.
Hey, I know you like to curl up, can you try to look at me for a bit? I won’t stay for long, I know you need some space. It’s been difficult, I know. I was in your shoes, I know exactly how it feels, and believe me on that. I still have that going on to this day. I literally take days, if I know in my gut I’m out of sorts and if I have the time, I will do nothing, maybe sleep, maybe watch a movie or a TV series I’ve left off, or FaceTime friends, or whatever I want to do. Sometimes I just rot in bed and get all stinky too. It’s honestly not a bad feeling. It feels rather natural.
I just wanted to let you know what I’ve been up to. I know you’re scared about the future. I definitely am. I still fear what’s to come. I’m trying to turn that fear into wonder, I don’t know how yet.
I just want you to know, I really don’t know anything still. A way to put it is I feel my body is bigger than my spirit now. At your age, I felt I knew so much, and I know I did. I know you know a lot, and are still learning a lot. Although, knowing and going are different things from each other.
“Keep going.” I’ve been told a lot. I’m sure you’ve been told that a lot too. And don’t think I’m assuming here. Assumptions drive me crazy too, though I’ve literally been in your shoes. Literally. Well, actually more like your socks right now.
Anyways. “Keep going.” You just told me that, and I will.
Going comes with time. Going is an art, a mechanism, an experience, it’s where life is at. What should you do to “keep going?”
Simply what it says. Go.
What? How? How do you “go?” You ask me. I used to think that exact same thing. Why just “go?”
And the truth is up to you.
What? What the hell am I supposed to do? That doesn’t help.
I’m sorry. Let me try to elaborate. Just bare with me, are you ok if I tried explaining it? If you want to be alone, I can leave. I know you don’t mean harm or bad by that.
You good? You need me to go?
That’s totally ok. I understand completely. Space is important, you don’t get enough of it. I hope you get some rest, though I see the dirty mug, I assumed you had some coffee? Black coffee, yeah? That came to good use for me when I had socratic seminar reports to write, like the ones you have now.
I just had some this morning too, though I had mine with sweet cream.
Anyways, I’ll go. You probably need to pace your room a bit to wear off the caffeine. Oh your headphones! Here. Just be ready when mom tries to barge in.
Can I give you a hug before I go? No? Totally cool with me. I’m happy to see you’re setting your boundary right now. Keep it up.
I’m off, gotta meet my friend outside my dorm in a few.
Dorm? You ask. Yeah… so spoiler alert, I’m in college.
Oh my god, you did not. You shout.
Shit, there’s the heavy footsteps. I should get going.
You don’t have to remember anything I’ve told you, but remember this. I look at you and see me, and you inspire me to “keep going.”
And another spoiler, you’ll completely understand what that means. Trust me.
Okay, going for real now.
I love you and I don’t know where I’d be without you.

So it’s the mid-90s and you think you’re the coolest shit in your school, You’ve got a lot to learn. your young you still have a chance to do it the right way. don’t pay any mind to anyone whose negative and can’t see the good in you. You are a composer a director of you own fate. It’s crazy one minute your 5 eating dirt drinking Kool aid and getting your ass beat by a belt god knows why… Then your 13, relationships and emotions take hold. And you can’t remember if you a boy or a girl.
These are confusing times that you will always remember.
16 comes and you think your all that, you suddenly become all knowing, your to busy to pay attention and you’ve got better things to do. it all will make sense later.
If your lucky you might just remember some stupid advice that someone might have said to you when you were stubborn and thought the world owed you something.
When you have children the most important thing to remember is that you were a teenager once too.

Dear inner teenager—writer of break-up letters, potbelly pig cuddler, improv star, belter of Disney princess songs, and mermaid princess,

Would you believe it? At age 23, it is your well of resilience, courage, and drive that ignites a fire within me.

I look at old photographs and see our big, brown, otherworldly eyes. Over the years, the light in them has flickered, but never dimmed, despite my fear of that happening.

I flip through your journals and never fail to find reflections and insights you couldn’t have known then, that I would need now. You are wiser than I remember feeling at that time.

Rather than a sweet sixteen party, you adventure to Mexico with Mom. And when prom arrives, you bring your younger sister as your date, even though you have a boyfriend. You stand up and speak up for yourself when your “friends” ignore you at lunch. You wear the same dress from elementary and middle school graduations to your high school one. You are a pagan witch in a Catholic household, and the same altar you owned then, I still use now.

I can always count on you to serve as a bridge between my inner child and me, preserving her wisdom and reminding me to honor her needs. Altogether, we are an old soul moving from forgetfulness to remembrance—and that is no easy feat. Mischievous, but not malevolent, you show up as your whole self even when it comes at a cost, but you still feel the weight of grief that comes with each loss.

So often, you find yourself in scenarios where you need to make the same choice—repress or express. While neither option is free from consequence, each time you choose the latter, you’re happier than when you don’t. Every time you express your truth in the moment, you do so for you, but you also do it for the parts of us who, in our past moments, didn’t know how to.

You, wild and whimsical one, are the uncensored embodiment of our imagination. It’s no wonder Theatre and English are your favorite subjects.

But somewhere inside, you still believe the lie that you’re only loved when you’re not you. You’re deeply hurt by words spoken by those who don’t hold themselves to the same level of integrity as you.

I want you to know that a soul family awaits you in Florida, including a father who sees and cherishes every part of us, a sister who walks a spiritual path parallel to ours, and of course, goat kids. Family will come to mean something much different from what it does now, and though feelings of guilt and grief may come with the best of it, I need you to know that you are deserving and capable of being met and loved at the same depths that you exist in.

But know this too, you cannot change someone to be what they are not, no matter how much they or you may want it.

Look at us, for instance. Over the years, we have changed, yet at our core, we remain the same.

I still love everything you love—and more.

I know why you are afraid of losing all of the colors of you. But I promise to preserve them. You can revel in excitement at the many new shades you have yet to meet, that make up all that I am.

The light at the end of the tunnel is actually a reflection in the mirror at the far end of the cave. When you walk through the darkness, it is your light that guides you through. The light at the end of the tunnel is you.

So if you make your way into something, know you can always find a way out.

Only those who fear the responsibility that comes with wielding their power will attempt to dissuade you from accessing yours. It is only you who can choose to give your power away. No one else can take it from you.

What happens in life will happen. What you let it mean in the big picture of things and within your own heart is up to you. And if you do happen to give away your power, it’s up to you to take it back. No one is going to give it to you.

You—the underdog who rises, the quiet one who transforms on stage—are never defined by your best step, nor your worst misstep on the path of stepping stones into the unknown. Your imagination is complementary to your intellect, and you’ll need both to help you create something truly magical. So hold onto your belief in magic, even as others outgrow your make-believe games, and you will see when you do, our world never ceases to sparkle.

Your wise, yet carefree existence tends to trigger people who perceive this world as black or white, versus multi-color and multi-shade. Despite your best efforts, some people are just not ready to leave their disempowered states.

When you focus on empowering yourself, people will want to start recruiting you to fight their wars. But you must remember—you are a manifestor. You are here to initiate, inspire, and impact—just by being and doing you.

You help me remember that we are big and that we are here to do big things, which means we need to learn how to take up space for ourselves, in addition to holding space for others. Promise to help me master this dance time and time again, so we can always feel free to write, speak, and sing to our heart’s content.

Developing discernment will help us combat our tendency toward confusion. Differentiating our intrinsic worth from cross-contaminated opinions that surround us is a lesson to be learned, and ever-relearned. Through it all, your light reflects truth in all directions—a rainbow of authenticity that shines in the face of adversity.

Every ounce of resonance, love, and empowerment I feel now is a testament to you. Your wide range and depth of emotions contain messages that are essential to our development. Thank you for letting me know what we need, what we’ll refuse to accept, and what is (or isn’t) worth fighting for.

Most of all, thank you for reminding me to not take life so seriously, to be willing to step out of my comfort zone, and to always make fun a priority.

Your memory is a reminder that my greatest gifts have always been a part of me.

With unconditional love and gratitude,
Your older self

Hey honey,
I won’t keep you long because I know how hard it is for you to concentrate sometimes. Just put on some music, zone in, and pay attention.
I need you to know it’s not your fault. You are not broken. You do not have to hate yourself because they did not know how to care and love you. There are people who do and will care and love you. They will show you every chance, even tell you, and those are the people for you. You are worth love, dearest.
Now, breathe. In- hold – out. Continue.
Right now, I know everything hurts. I know that you cry almost every day, hiding it from those around you and I know you cry almost every night, whole bodied and uninhibited. It’s okay to feel, sweetheart. It’s okay to have emotions. I know they tell you it’s not but it is! You can cry! You should not be ashamed of having feelings. We are not ashamed to show those emotions. They are an encompassing part of you and you feel them so strongly, shutting them down hurts more. Please let them out.
Again? Breathe. In- hold – out. Let’s go.
You should know it gets better. It gets better just because you hold on and grow older. We are thirty now. Thirty! I know you didn’t think you’d make it to eighteen.
You should know it gets better because you get better. You put in the work. You are so strong, darling. You push and pull and then you work it out. You are so strong!
You should know it gets better and you beat it. Whatever it is. You win. In losing (because you can’t actually ‘win’ every time) you learn. And that’s a win in my eyes.
One more time. In- hold – out. Okay.
Grace, I love you. I know you don’t love you right now but you’ll learn.
Grace, you are so capable of so much. Even as you feel your weakest.
Grace, I know you feel desperate. But you will become independent. Stronger.
Grace, you are so amazing. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. Thank you.
Love,
Your Future Self