Dear Layla,
You sweet baby.
I ask that you start showing yourself grace. This won’t be easy especially when you feel as if your weight defines you, you’re lost, and unbearably alone. First things first, your weight has never and will never be an indicator of who you are. In a time where you should’ve been learning to love yourself for who you are, you were taught the opposite. You’re a big girl, so what! Don’t skip that meal when you’re hungry, don’t get nervous to eat what you want in front of people, and don’t feel you can’t do or be who you want because of your size. Being a bigger size does not mean you have to love yourself any less. If anything there’s more of you to love and every inch of you deserves a piece of it. Start learning that nobody, no matter who they are to you, defines you. You define you and Layla, my darling, you are beautiful. I know you don’t hear it enough or sometimes it feels you don’t hear it at all but, you have to start believing it.
You have to start believing in yourself. There is so much doubt in your head about what you should be doing you can’t see clearly what you are capable of. Right now pleasing mama seems like the direction you have to take because you feel like you have no direction for yourself. She’s such a powerful force who seems to have it all figured out not just for herself but you as well. She’s created this whole narrative of what you should do and who you’ll become so it seems all too natural to follow her lead. Unfortunately, the confusion is still in your mind and you can’t figure out why. It’s because you are not as lost as you think. What you have seen for yourself and what is expected of you don’t align. Creativity runs through you and trying to stifle that part of you has led to your confusion. Lean more into what pleases you and not what will satisfy mama. As powerful as she is, she does not have it all figured out. The only reason her vision of you has been pushed on you so hard for so long is because you didn’t believe in yourself enough to push back. Push back! Yes, it would be amazing if she supported you fully in all your endeavors but that’s not her. Yes, it hurts because it makes you feel as if her love is conditional but you cannot let this hold you down. If living your life the way you see fit disappoints her but makes you happy, what are you willing to choose? Your happiness or her acceptance? Choose happiness. Choose you.
Now, throughout the years you found out the hard way how cruel this world can be. The first man a daughter is supposed to love and trust in her life is her father. You were told he was that for you as a little girl but, as you grew older he became the consistent reminder of being careful who you let into your heart. This didn’t stop you from letting people in because baby, as much as you try to hide it now, your heart is as big as an ocean. Sadly, some of the people you let in have slowly chipped away at it. You need to know that as cruel as this world can be at times, you don’t need to harden your heart to be a part of it. Everyone in this world has some type of pain or struggle they are going through. While this is not an excuse for people hurting you, it can give you some insight and maybe comfort that their reasoning for doing so is not because of you. Stop pushing yourself into seclusion for fear of being hurt again. Pain, disappointment, fear are all part of the human experience and it will happen time and time again. All these feelings are only temporary. One day you’ll come to realize you aren’t as alone as you think. You will have people come into your life who see you for you. They accept you for you. They love you for you! You just have to be willing to let them in. As cliché as it is to say, listen to your gut, it will always guide you in the right direction. When you do this you’ll see who’s always been there for you, they’ve been attached to your soul for longer than you know.
If there is anything that I want you to take away from this whole letter it’s that you are a beautiful, creative, and resilient being. Believing in yourself even if you feel no one else does will never steer you wrong. Finally my darling, you are deserving of the world and so much more.

Sincerely,
Future You