I come from broken windows, broken doors, and broken domes.

I come from broken hearts, broken trust, and broken homes.

I come from broken words, just trying to help the children sleep at night,

Hoping that my careful words were not completely lies.

I can’t believe I’m still alive,

Scars like poems written from the night,

I can see from the fire burning in my eyes,

There are still stars in my sky.

Year two thousand and twenty-five,

I want to come home to fixing drywall, fixing leaks, and fixing lights,

I want to come home to fixing the pieces that were broken all my life,

I’ll tell the children to hush now, that they can close their eyes,

I’ll sing them quiet poems and make up lullabies.

I come from making mischief, making fun, making trouble.

Since I was the second child, trouble turned to double.

Silly lies, secret spies, cherry pies, and starry skies,

I didn’t understand this world, but I didn’t care to try.

I come from faded paint, faded wood, and faded jeans.

I come from faded hopes, faded wishes, and faded dreams.

I come from faded pictures, never as colorful as they seem,

My parents as faded as the promises they didn’t intend to keep.

Year 2025 I want to repaint my life, too long it’s been so blue.

This year I will not dwell, I want to become something new,

My child has so many dreams that I will never crush or bruise,

My child has so many gifts that I will never hide or use,

I hope the only thing that will fade will be her smile as she falls asleep,

I hope the colors in her world will always be hers to keep.

I come from the darkness, catching in my throat like thick pounds of smoke,

But I have caught my breath and spoken: “I am not a fucking joke.”

I will take steps every day to making everything okay.

My only goal for 2025 is that this year I will finally be awake.

100%

Dear Self-Doubt,
I hope this letter reaches you at your worst, I know you remember me. I refuse to begin this letter with warmth and love. There are no season greetings to be received because there was no joy or celebration when you were around. The cloud of darkness you had invited on my journey, without my authorization had made my vision almost blurry. Self-doubt you sat on my shoulders weighing me down like an animal chained to the floor. You’d constantly force my head to turn in the direction you saw fit but, for yourself. Selfishly you’d push my well-being to the side just so you could shine causing my once vibrant light to become dim. You’ve shut the doors on my ideas leaving me on the other side franticly looking for the knob to break free, but you destroyed the handle causing my creativity to grow cold and my ideas to scatter across the floor. The opportunities that I knew I could have, that I should have!

Wait…I don’t see why I am even writing this. I know with my temperament I should take it easy, but I just had to let you know self-doubt you’ve had me stuck for so long. I blame myself for it all, you were my solace. Welcoming you in thinking that there would be some type of benefit, but the only gain was loss of self. I began thinking it was something normal, I had already accepted my fate. I was willing to let my dreams die because I feared you. The dark cloud you walked around with you locked it in the room with me and so it remained. It was fixated on me while I glared at the door hoping you’d come back to save me like you did before, but this time you didn’t.

Like a caged bird I needed to break free; I needed that light to shine on me even if it meant shining on me for the last time. Self-doubt you kept doubting my ability to be accepting of change. Unbeknownst to you I had a trick up my sleeve, I knew your weakness. I knew you’d try to convince me that it was safer to stay hidden and put, but this time I promised myself I wouldn’t believe you. My resilience still hadn’t failed me at that moment, so I took the chance. I didn’t give you enough time to alter my train of thought. I reclaimed my spot as the conductor. That’s when I realized how small you were, I was sure I could make it through this journey without you. Self-doubt, you only mattered as much as I let you. At that moment I realized you mattered nothing to me at all. That dark cloud became the smoke I left behind because I was now stations ahead refusing to look back. You were now left all alone like you had me. My creativity and ideas danced their way back and I promised them that doubt would never play a part in the making of myself ever again.

Self-doubt I no longer fear you, I haven’t for a long time now. But, without you, I wouldn’t have known the strength I harbored. There is so much beauty in my mind and the creativity that flows through my fingers is something magical I wish you could see it, but then again, I don’t. It took me allowing you to bring me to my lowest for me to realize that I could no longer allow you to alter the outcome of my success. Self-doubt I do not wish you well, but I thank you. Just so I don’t forget there is no address or phone number for us to keep in touch because you don’t deserve that, you never did. I want you to read this letter and be engulfed with guilt and regret. I know this letter will play tug of war with your peace, for a fact you will lose, there’s no doubt of that.

Yours Truly

For 25′ I want to be AL(I)VE;
AL(I)VE in my fullest expression without self-suppression;
In 24′ I learned a great many lessons;
I was hesitant to embrace SO(U)L and L(I)GHT and as a result I was the culprit behind the robberies of my opportunities and blessings;

I left things undone, continuously making a bigger mess;
Yet I accomplished , more or less, just not at the level that I desired;
At times I questioned whether or not I was equipped with enough willpower because I often found myself dropping the ball when it mattered most;

A light shines bright inside that EYE was blind to too, not just the ones EYE wanted to really see me;

But how could EYE expect others to see me if I didn’t fully utilize the courage to truly be me;

L(I)FE starts through a single spark;
From a spark I came and a spark I AM;
I desire to know what it means to be AL(I)VE in 25′;
I no longer want to hide what’s (I)NSIDE;
So that spark within, that spark that I AM, I set ablaze until my entire being is engulfed in flame;

My only goal in 25′ and in L(I)FE is to experience the L(I)GHT that fills my world when I choose to shine

!This letter contains harsh language!

To My Uncertainty,
Fuck you, you don’t control me. I have waded through oceans of doubt before and come out stronger. The seeds that you plant in my beautiful garden only wither and die because roots cannot take hold because of the tending I have so carefully done to let these blooms thrive.
To My Anxity,
You can also kindly fuck off. There is nothing for me to worry about because though every thing life has given me, I have only learned to adapt and do better. How to care for myself when feelings of being unloved and unlovable consume me. When I feel like I am a failure and a burden to though around me — Though I know I am not. That I can lean on my family and friends to carry me through the hard times. That I can try new things and be excited and not fearful of failure.

I don’t fear. I expect someone to judge me for how I look, act, using my mobility aid (or not). My fear manifests as your anxiety, a stronger, more powerful fear. It isn’t how can I overcome it’s how can I manage and push forward. You have been a part of me all my life. In ways, I thank you for protecting me, but now it is time to FUCK OFF. I want to live my life. Going out with my boyfriend and connecting with the monster drag community is something I want to do. I want to work on my writing and not wonder will spend all that money and a very stressful two years worth it.
You know Alicia very well and I think you like her because you let me tell her about things. I remember when that wasn’t quite the case. We have grown, but there is so much more we can do this year. Like, next month for the Monsters in the Making drag show. We can absolutely kill it, you heard Churb and the others. I am a born performer there is nothing to worry about and there will be so many people there
cheering me on. Use the fear to work that stage.
Writing is a more side thing, but there is this book. It’s only a quarter way done. I want to finish it. I think it is really good but anxiety gets in the way and says I need to have something steady to make money. My head is my worst enemy. I love writing. I know I can make a good story, but a first book doesn’t pay student $48,000 of student loans. But fuck getting a 9-5, Dolly said it best. “They never give you credit” I have worked so many jobs not getting the recognized like I should and writing will let me get that. Plus, it is a creative outlet for the millions of crazy ideas in my head.

Anxiety, I know, can help me get to my goals. It’s not just a bad thing, it’s a survival tool we all have. The key to meeting goals and overcoming intense fears is transforming anxiety from enemy to friend. Medication and a good therapist also help a lot too. It is also challenging to lean into change with anxiety and ADHD; consistency helps calm the mind. With the help of Alicia, I have been more willing to go out and try new things, more so now than in the past. Especially after losing my last job. “I trust fear. Fear exists for one purpose: to be conquered.” – Capt. Janeway.
I often find myself thinking of this and the one quote by Teddy Roosevelt, but I like Captain Janeway better. She is a kick ass woman of a starship who beat the Borg and got her crew through unknown space. She wasn’t afraid to run into the battle for the sake of her crew and, just overall, she’s a badass. I want to be more like her.

Ilkanic
They/them
Style score: 81%
—

Dear 2025,

Hello, there! It’s me, Heather. A woman who each year has so many dreams and goals to accomplish for the new year ahead. A woman that always walks with her head held high and mind set to open. The woman who each year makes a personal goal to better herself. Intellectually and sentimentally. This year though, it’s more about health and taking care of the body in a physical matter.

This year, I want happiness. Not just for my outer layer, but for my internal layer as well.
I want laughter. Not just from social media or television, but from reality. From sincere places.
I want clarity. Not just from words from others that are relatable, but from my mind and soul.
I want adventure. Not just with familiar faces, but with just mine and the open road.

2025, it’s you vs. me.
Your experiences vs. my courage.
Those reminders you send out vs. my achievements.
It’s your arms with the fastballs vs. my open arms, ready to catch those throws.

2025, I’m ready for your experiences.
Ready for your daily reminders.
I’m ready for your fastballs.

I. Am. Ready!

Writing style: 100%

What are my goals for 2025?

To dig my toes into the sandswept shores of the Pacific Ocean

To feel gentle waves breaking and the cool water against my sun-tanned skin

To see sunsets with colors that can only be matched in Heaven.

To sip Cabernet in a Californian vineyard while a sommelier teaches me and my sisters about the wine we are drinking and how it was made.

To see the Golden Gate Bridge in all it’s grandeur

To explore underground caves taking in the beauty of stalactites and stalagmites

To watch seals as they lazily sunbathe as the waves crash around them

To take in the sights, sounds, colors, and culture of California.

To be carefree and in the present moment with the ones I love.

To snuggle up so close to them that I can hear each beat of their heart

To soak in every moment

To travel

To achieve these results will take sacrifice

It will require saying some “no’s,” so I can ultimately say “yes” to time with my family

Will take a re-evaluating of my spending habits

Will require learning to distinguish a “want” from a “need”

Will teach me different ways to save.

This year my goal is to be financially responsible so that I can spend the thing that is most precious

Time with my family and those I love.

The unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. It sounds so matter of fact and easy to avoid. But most humans, not all, live most of their life based on fear. It is a sad fact that we rarely examine in our own lives unless we have suffered enough in order to do so.

Fear is one of the most potent emotions that may either paralyze humankind or drive us toward evolution and change. I currently want to choose the higher roads. I’ll admit that there are still things I do that are anxiety-driven, and I am destined never to be pure perfection. However, from my standpoint, failure or forfeiture is not an option. It never should have been that way, but sometimes people quit, give in, or just collapse.

Anyhow, my fears won’t win anymore. They will always exist, but once you can differentiate rational vs. non rational and persevere through obstacles in your life, you become more powerful. Confidence, clarity and mindfulness can go a long way. I hand my fears over to something greater and more powerful than myself daily. It keeps me humble and reliant on my faith.

I now own a metaphorical tool belt and toolbox. It comes with me everywhere I go. I add more and more tools to it as life goes along. Things that used to be baffle me beyond control, or cripple me, are now being handled with more ease. Things that I would never attempt, I’m now doing. Not only am I doing, I’m accomplishing.

With my tool collection, motivation, and consistency, I’m on the path towards tranquility and a greater degree of happiness than ever before. I don’t plan on reversing my ways now. So, after all the torture for so many years, I won’t mourn you. I will only remember you so I can explore further into the depths of my soul. I won’t cry for you or miss you. Will only think of you, then dismiss you! For now, goodbye fear.

I made a pact with the mirror one day,
To stop hiding my dreams, to clear the way.
Pen to paper, my soul I’d bare,
Not just for me, but for others out there.

For the foster youth who feel unheard, I’ll give them a voice, I’ll honor their word.
A guide, a light, to show what’s due, to teach them the power of “I deserve too.”

This blog, this space-it’s more than a goal,
It’s the healing of hearts, the mending of souls.
A place where stories rise and thrive,
Proof that every struggle means we’re alive.

I write my truths, I ink my fears,
Short stories, poems-through blood, through tears.
I signed a contract, sealed with resolve,
to grow through creation, to steadily evolve.

They say I’m late, but I know my pace,
Dreams ain’t a race, it’s a journey to grace.
Even blooms in winter can break through the frost,
No time is wasted, no dream is lost.

So here I stand, a see reborn,
A life once frayed, now no longer torn.
For those who need hope, I’ll always scream:
Even the late bloomer can chase their dream!

Facing the Fear That Drove Me
I do not remember when you first arrived in my life. Sometime between the death of my mother and the first time my father beat me, you took up residence in my rib cage. My protector, you swept in—deigning to save me from a punishing world where those who should have loved me stole my safety and dignity for the smallest of mistakes. I want to invite you to explore a new world with me.
I have so much compassion for you, Fear. We were six years old and trying to save my life, keep belts off my skin, keep my bones in all their rightful places. That was too big a task. After all, you were only a child. We have been carrying that weight all these years.
Since your arrival, you have been the hardest worker I have ever known, immersing yourself in the endless pursuit of being good—good enough. To achieve this, you developed rigorous standards by scrutinizing our environment—books, conversations, and examples—to determine who I needed to be. You made creative decisions to help me meet your standards. Rest was never an option—no days spent snuggling under the covers in bed.
I see how you believed in my ability to improve, grow, and, in doing so, become safe.
Thank you for your relentless dedication to keeping us safe. Your vigilance was born in a time when even the smallest mistakes had devastating consequences—when safety, food, and dignity were bartering chips.
When you came into my life, minor mistakes could jeopardize our safety—our bones, food, and identity—by those who should have loved us. You were only a child, so you believed them when they said that working harder would set us free and being better would keep us safe. You remain frozen in that place of trauma, still fighting battles that no longer exist. But while you have fought without rest, I have grown. It’s time for me to take the reins and chart a fresh path for both of us.
I know the truth now–nothing we did could have made us safer. When the world wants to hurt you, nothing you do can prevent that. Life doesn’t require avoiding or defeating every evil. The beauty, the fun, and the love exist despite the darkness and the pain.
My friend, you fear ceding your role, but I can keep us safe in more constructive ways these days. I’m not asking you to leave, Fear, but to transform. Your vigilance has served its purpose; now it can help us create something beautiful together.
The thread connecting me to my father, his monstrosity, and his humanity, is you, a product of his fallible human self. It’s time to release this thread, this legacy of fear passed down through generations.
It’s time to let you rest and take on a new role—one that turns us toward the sun, to the beauty and peace already around us. A role where you still search, scan, and look, but now use your creativity to help me thrive.
The new title: The Persistent Pursuit of Joy. I want you to seek the moments in life made of sweetness, brightness, and abundance—like the sun on my skin, my grandmother holding my hand as she tells me she loves me, or my husband kissing my forehead while I sleep. Use your creativity to find more joy, ease, and love. Place me in the sunshine so I can open my ribcage and fill my whole chest with the warm glow. Help me notice the beauty I’ve overlooked while trapped in the past.
Through your relentless protection, I survived, but through letting you evolve, I will thrive. Fear—or should I call you your new name, Pursuit—I am so excited to embark on this new journey with you.
Together, we will lie down the burdens of the past and step into a life filled with joy, peace, and possibility.

Style Score: 100%, Spelling 100%, Grammar 100%

What is a book?
Is it just a collection of letters,
Sorted into words,
Arranged into sentences,
Grouped into paragraphs,
Bundled into chapters,
Bound together by a central theme?
If that’s the case,
Then I’ve written a book.
A couple, actually.
But it doesn’t feel like it.
My books are digital only.
That’s the way to go these days,
Isn’t it?
Print is dead, right?
Then why do I feel as if
I have NOT written a book?
Maybe I’m just being foolish,
But I want more.
I want my book to occupy space
On my bookshelf
Next to the fireplace.
I want to be able to read the title and my name
On the spine of the book as it is
Nestled in the bookshelf,
Uncomfortably squeezed literally and literarily
Between classics like Ulysses and Moby Dick.
I want to physically hold the book
And curl up in a comfy chair with it.
I want to riffle through the pages,
Creating a breeze I can feel on my face.
I want the tactile experience of the printed word,
As I rub a page between my thumb and forefinger.
I want a book that can be ruined
Should a page be torn from it.
I want a book that has some staying power,
Whether on a shelf or in a storage box gathering dust,
While the owners forget what’s inside.
I no longer want my book to be only a digital file
That can be deleted with a click on a trash bin icon
Or lost forever at the next hard drive crash.
I want a sense of permanence for my book.
At least I want it to outlast me.
Perhaps this may be a flight of vanity.
I prefer to think of it more as a legacy
That proves I was here,
That I had thoughts,
And that I recorded them for posterity.
For those reasons and others,
I will publish a book in print this year.
I will riffle the pages
And breathe in the smell of the newly printed paper.
Then I will place my book on my bookshelf.

My goals in 2025 include healing and allowing myself to move forward. Here is my poem of hope.

Can you take an axe
A pick or a maul
And hollow a space in the stone the width and breadth of two
And I will use the hand plane and the lumber and I will use bolts and braces
To fashion a door for the hollow
Latch it
Strongly.
Once we are both inside,
And the world is fully outside
We will cry the racking sobs that have nowhere else to go
Held back fourteen years and some
Odd months or so
When we emerge
You will be iron and I will be alloy
And the sun will warm us
And can you
If you are able
Undo the lashings holding this pack
It is heavily filled and spills over
With sorrow and regret
Causing me to stoop
Can you if not such an imposition
If you have the strength
Help me drop it in the river
Then
We will build a table of oak and maple
And we will set it with all good things
And eat our fill of it
Til joy happiness mirth and innocence
Are the only things we can hear ringing in the forest

Wow…it’s already 2025…
Yet my brain still feels like 2020
Is shifting into a winter’s breeze
Welcoming us into a New Year’s kiss
And a hopeful embrace hidden in the folds
Of snowy blankets stretching out once again… I wonder

Will this year be kinder to us?

The onslaught of tears pool in my eyes
My throat tightens, and my hands grow cold
Yet they won’t fall.
…because you wouldn’t want that…
Locking myself in the past would do me no good.

I can hear you now…
“You’re a writer, aren’t you?”
…Telling me to write about it. (Is this what you meant?)

I remember you asking me
for a new story (I’ll get to it…I swear!) …
Just like you once asked me for longer hair…
To take better care of myself…
And to see what you saw in me…

You amazed me…
Your warm smile, generous heart
And brightening soul…accepting me without an ounce
of your blood running through my veins.

I’ll take your words to heart
And start believing in myself
Just like you did until
I see what you see within
The mirror you gave me.

And yeah…I might as well try to finish that novel.
It’s 2025 after all…new year, new me?
Hopefully, I’ll believe in myself enough
To submit it this time
Just for you, so I can grow…
To be at least a bit like you come 2026
That is my goal.

For 23 years I have been a lube tech and I have been a REALLY GOOD ONE, I have been driven and focused and Was told I’m REALLY GOOD, but I wanted more for my family and I knew when I started this I could do more but I would find a REASON to not move up and my Mom encouraged me and NOW my wife has INSPIRED ME, well after my mom passed away and a job I thought I could do backfired , after 24 years I’m going back to where I started but this time as PDI TECH, and I’m not going to Lie, I’m scared, but My wife and now Angel momma inspiring me, I have ONE LAST RUN in me and I’m going to make my family ALL PROUD of me, but MOSTLY MYSELF, IM GOING TO MAKE MYSELF PROUD and I WILL WIN AND I WILL WIN.PH4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me

2025 is going to be My year, sadly my mom passed away December 22nd and We ARE ALL STUNNED, but my Mom taught us TO NEVER GIVE , she taught me that NOTHING IS TOO SMALL for me to accomplish it, I just have to go after it, so my goals this year to ENJOY LIFE, smile and CHERISH EVERY MOMENT, there’s good if we look for it( just like bad) I am NOT GOING TO COMPLAIN about the guy cutting me off or losing a football game online, my other goal is Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, I have always been told I CAN’T DO SOMETHING, you should try smaller, well I don’t believe that, I believe I have to give my all and I at least TRIED, ( I would rather try and lose rather than to Never try at all) So this year I plan on being MORE POSITIVE and Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade is the ONLY PARADE, I want to be in this year. Stay positive and remember Luke 1:37 For with God nothing shall be impossible

Another year is knocking,
But I am not ready to answer.
Don’t they know rebirth doesn’t happen in winter?

I am still unbecoming.
I am still busy undoing.
My bones are still tired.
I don’t feel like pursuing.

I will leave the Christmas tree up.
I will continue to rest.
I had to learn this the hard way:
There’s no use trying to be best.

I do not plan to start anew.
I do not wish to have a goal.
I will not write out things to do,
Or make a vision board of it all.

I have done enough.
I saved more than money.
I saved my life a few times
And still haven’t tasted honey.

It is not me who needs to be sweeter.

I do not need to be better.
It is the years who need to be better to me.

Keep going, the theme of 25
We didn’t think we’d make it, past 25, let alone to 2025.

Keep going.

A Goal is nothing without a plan.
2024 was spent planning,
2023 was spent learning,
2025 is filled with goals

Goal 25,
Be around more people.
Goal 24,
Advocate for me more.
Goal 23,
Make more memories.
Goal 22,
Learn freedom without a car.
Goal 21,
Finish my book.
Goal 20,
Make amends.

Keep going.
Goal Post 25.

But remember,
Life is the journey, not the destination.
Allow the goalpost to change and give yourself grace in the face of it all.

Goal Post 25

I stand battered and bruised just for a moment. Turn to face my reality from where I just came. To stare at a monstrous land. A landscape full of dark, gnarly woods. Swamps of tar that boil and sputter. Thorns are ready to pierce the flesh. Full of shadowy creatures that lie to grab anyone in their path.

This land that I have created from an enormous imagination. For my fears give it fuel to thrive. Fears through every stage of life. One fear from childhood is of not being loved. Where it was said three magic little words. There was no amount of action behind those words. All in extreme opposite of your loving home.

A fear from adolescence is of abandonment. Have been denied in public and denounced as a daughter. My grandmother who gave her last breath. Being left behind and all alone. Another would simply be atelophobia. Multiple regrets as the past rears its ugly head from young adulthood. The most gut wrenching fear is losing my sanity again. Where all my nightmares come to play with me. My fears rule supreme in my very core.

Fear generates its evil intent. To destroy peace of mind, even your self-worth. How is it? That I have made it thus far? I must truly appreciate my family and trusted friends. Who shown me a love that I can trust. To those who were patient with me. Strangers that were kind. Loved ones who saw my struggle but believed in me. I must not let them down. Fight instead of flight just to be whole.

My faith has always given me hope. A hope that overcomes the fear and stills my pounding heart. By realizing my truth. That I am no longer a victim but a survivor of circumstance. Noticing events were out of my control. I stopped blaming myself. Determination was a major player in taking back my power.

As I look back over that treacherous terrain. I realized how I managed fear through it all. By carrying on my journey through life. I turn away to face a gargantuan mountain called healing. Towards an astonishing new horizon. My journey from this point onward begins anew.