YOU taught me this…
I believe the most important things you taught me in life – through your words, your knowledge, your kindness, your example, your love – are here for me in your death. And I also believe what you felt I taught you in our short time together sustained you in life. Now is the time I understand completely just what we were doing together.
The things I have learned in the last two years seems like a lifetimes worth. I see things so differently now. It’s strange just how different I am; in my soul.
I see myself through YOUR eyes. I always saw myself through my own distorted view. While I may have had confidence when you met me it was never a true sense of worth. It is truly an amazing fortune to know what unconditional feels like. I know now exactly who I am and I am not afraid to be myself. I liked me before, but you loved me – in all my goodness and my flaws. I never had to question your feelings for me and you showed me that is a real and possible thing in this life. You are not here but this sustains me.
”You’re not picky. You just know what you want” – there is a very huge difference and it matters. I hear these words all the time now. I say them to the people that are most important to me. When you know you have value you will NEVER settle. In my life now, those I meet and actually want to become friends with, will have the qualities I want and need in my life. There is ZERO time to waste on anything less. You are not here but this sustains me.
You taught me to let go, and I have. I let go of the fear; the fear there is no where to go from here. You told me I was a beautiful, strong, independent woman – all the time. I know ALL the girls in your life heard these same words – YOU built the confidence to help me find my way ahead. You are not here but this sustains me.
The constant battle to control my mind and heart is part of an exhausting emotional war for my soul. On some days I win the battle, take back control, my mind speaks and my soul can breath. Other days I lose and my heart finds its footing, my soul takes its dying breath…I slowly find my way to sleep – albeit troubled and restless – so I can find the strength to fight again tomorrow. The war I wage is to fit my heart, mind, and soul into a reality not of my choosing. But I will remember ALL the things you taught me in our life together and will find my path. You are not here but this sustains me.
I will NEVER settle – you wanted nothing less than this for my life.
You are not here but THIS sustains me…


Treading water

Just once
Can I see you

Desire
Surprise
Excite
Thrill
Joy
Love
Glory

The AWE

Slipped away

My First
My Only

Shocked
Sadness
Fear
Anger
Guilt
Panic
Emptiness

The Lonely

Head high
Patiently waiting

Clouds of pleasure

Whimsical
Gentle
Bright
Curious
Amazing
Inspires
Cherished

The TREASURE

Until we meet
In Heaven

Together

She doesn’t know
How she got here
She thought she was more
Than a slave to her fear
He once held her hand
So close to his heart
And now all she feels
Is what keeps them apart
He now watches over her
And the two girls she carries
Whose eyes match his
Even though he is buried.

Her eyes never forget
The stories his told
She once thought she knew
They would always grow old
Together they shared
So much it just ached
To know it no longer
Would be what she placed
Hope for the future
She’s now bound to the past
Memories cling to her mind
She wishes they’d last.

Now she tells his stories
To his girls every day
So they don’t ever forget
His love never goes away
With his dying breath
He knew he’d never part
His professed love for his girls
Came straight from his heart.

He was so young
To leave this earth behind
Now she must rise up
And trust she will find
The strength to go on
Despite what she feels
Or doubts in her mind
Though this is too real
It’s not the end for her
But a new beginning.

With his invisible hand
Holding hers at her side
She knows she will always
Be forever his bride.
No matter what happens
Or where she might go
She knows she will never
Be truly alone
His spirit is with her
His heart lives on
With her children she sees him
It was there all along.

Dear Great Granny,

I understand.
Believe me, I do.
I would have loved
to have met you though.

I know from old pictures
that you were a treasure;
a formidable force
but also a treasure.

Born in rural Kentucky,
or was it Missouri?
You had a fraternal twin brother
who died.
Do you realize you do not have a birth record?
And your brother does not have a death record?
In any state,
according to Ancestry?
Only hearsay,
as shared with the following generations.

(I have a theory about your mysterious beginnings.)

In life,
you were ahead of your time.
You never backed down.
You had nine children;
eight daughters who were my great aunts
and one son; my grandfather.
He thought the world of you.
One of your baby girls died
the day she was born.
You were left widowed young,
alone raising all those kids.
How did you do it?

You bought land in Virginia,
and built a house.
You had determination,
ambition,
grit
and
resilience.
You raised your kids and grandkids,
while everyone else worked outside the home.
You took charge
when times were hard.
You looked tough,
and tall,
with strong arms and a square jaw
but were also
kind and nurturing.
You were fair but did not accept nonsense.
You had boundaries,
and you knew how to use them.
You got the job done.

When I was adopted,
the agency blamed you.
The social worker
told my parents
that you made my birth mother relinquish me,
because no one could care for me right.

It’s not your fault.
I believe this.
I know this,
because I found your family,
which is my family too now.
They were close, but
filled with drama
and unpredictability
at the time.
You had my sister and four cousins to look after.
You were in your 70s.
Who was taking care of you?

So I get it.
I never heard your side of the story,
as you saw things,
but I feel it.
You were a strong (physically and mentally) woman,
for many people
and probably the biggest reason
why my sister
and cousins
are such fine folks today.
You taught them to do the right thing.
I thank you for that.

You and I have many things in common.
We are fiercely loyal to our families,
and we spend lots of time with grandchildren.
We are resourceful and focused.
we deal with life’s emergencies,
and we survive.

As for my theory regarding your and your brother’s missing birth records:

In spite of never having met in person,
I believe that you and I have one more big thing in common.
The difference is you never knew,
and I did.

Perhaps you were adopted also.

Theresa, may I see you
As it is this day?
May I take one final breath,
And with you fly away?
Who is there,
What do you see?
Have I questions aware,
That you come back to me…so fair?
Woman, I caught-another’s’ power
And so missed you on your final hour.
Honey, woman, darlin-Dear…
I know the One who answers clear.
May I not let this tear me up-
My knowing your there is comfort enough.
May now I see you? Bet!
I’ll stay in 2nd heaven soon,
On the Moon of my regret…
You’re alive in my heart-And True.
2 lines alive-one for me, and one for you.

Sincerely, Timothy

Dear Pappy,
It has been 10.5 years since you left us for greener pastures and those golden, pearly gates were taught as children. You only knew me for about 6 years of the 15 years you knew your oldest child had adopted three little girls. By the time I knew your name, you had forgotten mine. Oh, how we miss you. We miss your laughs, your candy jar in your milk house, your coffee cups sitting in your truck and how you loved to play with the youngest children. I miss your stories back when you were younger. I miss you scaring us kids with your false teeth and I miss hearing you say “Now, I love you guys but, I don’t want you fighting.” I miss your kisses on my cheek every time I left your house and mostly, I just miss you. I hope you are taking care of your border collies up there and I hope you are proud of your kids, grandkids, great grandkids and the unborn great-great grandkids that are bound to come into our lives at some point. I wish I could have told you goodbye on your last night but, I know you are no longer in pain and you now know all of us, even those you never got to meet.
-Shay

His legal name is Marcus, to my sister, Pops.
To me he’s always been Nam, from the age of 3 and 4 to even when I was working at IHOP. Large in stature, and quite a clown. I was seldom sad with him around.

When I was a little girl, you were the greatest daddy in the land. Over time, we grew apart, I saw the chinks in your armor, you saw my attitude. Sometimes I thought life dealt me a bad hand.

You see, I like your humor and your deep belly laughs. Sometimes I needed deep, serious conversation when I would beckon, “Dad?”

Through the lessons in life and the things I learned in school, I realized despite your shortcomings, to deny your love for me would make me look a fool.

Seldom would a tear come to your eye; but, you cried rivers when you thought there would be no more you and I. My bio dad said you wept on his shoulder begging him not to take me away. You received new hope and faith when you learned I was back to stay.

You were there for my operation, and when I was so weak from my ED I needed to be spoon-fed. Helen Keller could see how much you love me; and, how fortunate I am to call you Dad. I know now you couldn’t give the kind of support you never had.

To think I could unlove you was such a mistake. When I read the words, “He has cancer and three months to live” caused my heart to break. I came back to the nest to be by your side. I held your hand, played your favorite songs, and listened as you cried.

You told me the song you would want to hear for the father-daughter dance on my wedding day. It pains me so to know you won’t be able to give me away.

You always sailed through life, never as rigid as I. Therefore, in your honor, as I end this, I’ll resist the urge to rhyme.

Nam was but a mere nickname without meaning for so long; but, realizing that we share are connection so deep that is never beyond repair, here’s what Nam now stands for:
Never give up
Always have faith
Miracles happen.

Instead of Namaste, Nam, I’ll stay cherishing the many memories of you. Our journey inspires me to stay strong knowing that no matter what, love is the most powerful force that can keep me afloat amidst the most trying times. As you’re looking down on me, I’ll keep moving forward with my head up.

Your love for your family is admirable.
To think otherwise would be abominable.
You would always be great at puzzles
they would be finished on the double.
You loved to support Alabama
And stay in your pajamas.
You’ll be loved and missed
For as long as we exist.
You loved with all of your heart
We’ll never truly be apart

Looking back… man… we were all so young…
Back before any of us had a story to be sung
I remember us being little kids, kicking soccer balls on the field
The years spent in school, back when we all thought we were so cool
Man it felt like back then, time would just yield
Then we graduated and went our separate ways
But I still remember that day, years since I last saw you
The sheer excitement and joy on your face to see me, pierced me right through
Living your life so light hearted and care free
The encouraging words you spoke to me
Were the push I needed to finally publish my book…
When I got that phone call, my whole core was shook
And my breath took a pause
As I heard you were mercilessly beaten without cause
Cast down to the waters below, where you drowned
Spending your last moments alone, with no one around
When reality struck, I couldn’t control how I flailed
Or stop the tears that I wailed
As I was thrown into utter travail
The whole community felt the void
As the life of one of our own was destroyed
But I believe there was a beauty in the floods of people who gathered to grieve
For it was a truly remarkable sight to see
The unfathomable amount of lives one young man had impacted
And that’s a fact, it can’t be retracted
Yours was a life taken too young
But I refuse to let your story go unsung
You were always there to lift people up when they stumbled
Your motto’s eternal: be kind, give thanks, stay humble

I think about you now and then,
a smile on my face
and hope you’re running free, my friend,
with classic Richie grace

or dancing on a fresh-cut lawn
to upbeat oldie tunes,
not caring if the world looks on–
to judgment, you’re immune.

I’m sure your whoops of simple joy
are heaven’s favorite tolls–
endearing is the singsong voice
that echoes in my soul

so savor your eternal feast
and endless mugs of ale–
especially the sips you thief
from Christ’s own holy grail.

Until we reunite once more,
I’ll use your echoed cues
and not be such a dreadful bore–
it’s happiness I choose.

Dear Unsealed,
Today as I lay across my queen size bed,
As though the universe led
Me supernaturally to this phenomenal sad,
But a joyful photo of me and my dad.
I am a little Vic.
My poppa was a big Vic.
The photo was from long ago,
In my reality of the 1980s highs & lows
Of experiences in Hollywood &
Beyond with my dad, big Vic.
Time goes by so quickly,
Like a bite of an avocado
As I swallow the last bite.
My pop, Victor was my hero.
Vic was always my rock to lean upon.
No matter what I said or did,
In those days of growing up singing my song,
Vic was always there to teach me right from wrong
& to work hard, study hard, smile,
While all the while
You ‘wanna’ cry,
Ask why,
Or just hug the world
As you travel the road I chose.
My poppa Vic
Passed away as he was sick
With leukemia.
I was there by his side
To hold his hand as he died.
I bent over to kiss his forehead,
Telling him thank you for always having my back.
I now look at the photo
Faded from decades of dark & light.
My poppa Vic
With his baby girl, Vicki
As we sat at the celebration dinner party in LA.
I had rented a dress from a costume shop in Hollywood,
Judi Garland’s once upon old black sequin dress.
I wore my late Grandma Carrie Soleta’s beads,
I had cut my hair so black and short with waves,
To help me smile & celebrate the event.
That was so special that night.
I look at the old, faded photo,
I smile as I remember my big Vic,
My hero always there to catch me when fell
Or celebrate me when I stood up,
When he was there to pull me up,
“Sister, everything’s gonna be okay. A hundred years from now you will forget about it.”
“Yeah dad, in a hundred years we will be dead. So, forget about it.”
That was my poppa Vic!
Now I remember those words of inspiration alert
From big Vic.
I loved my poppa Vic,
My hero
I still feel him around
To keep me sound
& so,
This letter is dedicated to my late poppa Vic,
So handsome, so sweet
To everyone he would meet.
I dreamed of my big Vic & my mom, Thelma,
One-night years ago
Before I moved back to LA
2016.
I was living on the south Texas beach
With the Jekyll & Hyde dude.
Poppa Vic knocked on my bungalow door.
I opened it, “Dad, Mom, hello, OMG!
My poppa said, “Come with us sister.”
I stepped out the door
To leave that bungalow door
Adobe behind to never go there, nevermore.
We drove over the mountains, the desert,
To LA.
Then as I stepped out to pray
To thank God to be back in LA
After a long trip
With my poppa my late mom & late poppa Vic.
They disappeared like a puff of smoke
As I awoke
To daybreak.
Three months later I was on the train to LA
Over the deserts & mountains night & day.
I stepped off the train,
Kissed the ground, so glad to be back in LA.
My poppa, big Vic was there in spirit for me
To bring me home, no more to roam.
“I love you my poppa Vic.”

It’s been almost a month now. In some ways it’s easier. I cry less, and the span of time between thoughts of you is ever-expanding.

It hurting less though hurts more, if that makes sense. Like it’s ok you’re gone.

It’s not.

I keep thinking about everything I could have done better. Cliche, I know.

I’m happy you stayed long enough to meet my baby girl, that there was a cross fade between your two lives because in a way it means you’ll live on forever in our family. There will always be pictures of you and her in our home. There will always be memories entrenched with your energy.

But the timing was so hard on you. So many days your being was a disturbance or a distraction to a newborn baby and a newborn mama, so I kept you in a separate room after so many years of doing everything side by side.

I kept saying, tomorrow.

Tomorrow I’ll spend time with you. Tomorrow I’ll take you on a walk. Tomorrow I’ll get on the floor and scratch your ears the way you like. Tomorrow I’ll take you to the vet to check out the cut on your elbow.

Fourteen years together can make one complacent. Fourteen years together made me delusional with a subconscious belief there’d be fourteen more.

Your body had other plans. Your spirit was tired. You were ready.

And when the time came I was the only terrified one, the only heartbroken one, the only hesitant one. You were, and you are, so at peace.

I can’t stop thinking about the time we had I did nothing with. The moments, each one a precious gift, I squandered. Wasted breaths not loving you the best I could.

In my dreams you emphasize your love for me, your love of our full lifetime together. You continue to offer yourself beyond death.

It’s not possible, I know… I wish for one more summer. To give you absolutely everything.

But I can’t.

Now I see the heaviness of all my relationships in the abrasive reality of temporality. I keep seeing how often I whisper tomorrow, instead of diving deep into right now.

I don’t want to come to the end – be it of my life or another’s, a move, a change of any kind – wishing I had made more meaning out of what I had been graciously given by existence itself: TIME.

I’ve found myself in these last few weeks walking back up the stairs to pet the kitty’s head as he waits at the threshold looking down at me. Staying longer for coffee with my dear friend instead of rushing to get home because I’m tired, because of the never ending list of chores. Holding tighter to my lover in the quiet of late night when we’re finally alone instead of being lost in my head or in my phone.

The magic you have is one of a kind. You continue to show me the way. To light the path of a more intentional, a more beautiful life. After all, it goes so fast. It never comes back. And we just never seem to see it coming.

You inspire presence in me, sweet Beargirl. I wish I had more of it when you were still in the physical realm, it’ll be something I forever look back on. All our beautiful time together, and all the beautiful time we could have had together.

But in this way, you’ll always be by my side. Your silly little strut, the look back with enormous perked up ears, reminding me – this is it babe, this briefest of seconds is all you got.

You’re gold.

You’re beautiful.

You’re perfect.

Your soul is entwined with mine, till the end of time.

Thank you for the moments you gave me.

Love you forever, and ever and ever.

It’s been six months since you said goodbye
It’s been six months since you died
That night when you took the pills
Because you no longer wanted to feel
Into the darkness you were swallowed whole
Trying to find peace
And quiet your soul
That night you died
The piece of me
Where depression lied
I felt my fate
And knew it was too late
For me to stay alive
I was already dead inside
They took my body away that night
And I was renewed from the ashes
Like a Phoenix in flight
Emerging from the darkness
Flying into the light
A new soul reborn and ready to fight
I shed old skin
And doubts that held me down
I’m embracing this new beginning
In which I’ve found
Reminiscences of you are what keeps me strong and alive
So I’ll only keep you as a memory in order to strive
So Rest in peace
To the being
That’s no longer inside of me
The one who threatened
the life of me
I will always love who you were in every way
Because you made me who I am today

You’ll come to me in whispers

And you’ll visit me in dreams

I’ll awaken from your kisses

Softly lit by radiant beams

In the echos of my life

I will catch your sweetest voice

I will hear our love’s pure song

And my heart will then rejoice

I will strain my tired ear

For each whisper that you gift

As I listen most intently

In our memories I will drift

And one day your gentle whispers

Will be louder and quite clear

We’ll be standing face to face

And our love’s song all will hear