My message to the world would be simple. We as humankind must understand that we are not control of anything. Life happens we are on our own individual assignments. And what happens along our journey is predestined there are events that are out of control, the death of someone close , why are some able to stay and others leave this world much too soon Who we love and nurture we don’t get to choose our families, we become apart of them and they apart of us. We can’t control a person’s thoughts. And how they feel about you as much as we want them to love us , they choose not to. When can only take our thoughts captive. The journey of life is tedious and captivating . That’s not to say that are robotic we feel emotions , we strive for better in our individual ways. But at the end of everyday the fact remains we are just micro fragments in scheme of life. And we control nothing.

In the backdrop of the Wasatch mountains, a little askew from where life zooms by at 80 miles per hour, I stood with my friend on a trail, panting and staring up at a starkly blue sky. I was trying to find peace while he was droning on about the dramas of his dating life—of this twenty-two-year-old girl he was in love with and her inability to choose him. I think there was something about a forty-one-year-old preying on her, that she was letting it happen, and my own thoughts about youthfulness—about how she wasn’t at an age to know what it was she wanted. I kicked a rock and thought about how long we had been hiking, about how long he had been talking.

But did I know what it was that I wanted? After all, I had come to the mountains to breathe in the slowness, and I had selected terrible company for that goal. I’m twenty-eight but there’s not much difference between twenty-two and me, when my grandparents of eighty-three are smashing cake into each other’s mouths to celebrate sixty years of companionship. Even in their experience, they still don’t always know what it is they want for dinner that night.

My grandparents have experienced a treasure chest full of life, but life expands farther than their sheltered, walled in realm of Utah. Their treasure chest is their microcosm, their eighty years. A good microcosm, but not quite enough to have life “figured out.”

That was how my friend put it when he was relenting to my questions about this young girl he wanted to love. She thinks, at twenty-two, that she has life figured out. That she knows what this forty-one-year-old wants when he says he could see himself marrying her. I told my friend that he didn’t have life figured out either. No one did—not even ninety-year-old men who had seen everything under the sun. If they had seen war and read hundreds of books and maneuvered great political events in history, if they had lived to one-hundred-and-ten—

They still wouldn’t have life figured out. Because life is bigger than them.

The hiking trail I stood on with my dog and my friend and my backpack full of water was a microcosm in itself. It was a sliver of the greater planet that had eons of history embedded in it. It was a fleeting conversation between friends on the matter of life and love, truly young minds trying to grasp something abstract about living that they’ll never be able to grasp. Not a single person on this Earth has life figured out, and probably won’t until death.

From where I started to where I am now, helped me realize how quickly we can arrive at our destinations.
Soon after, these destinations become pit stops on the journey to our next location.
We rarely stop to take in all that we accomplished, and rush to do or be more.

I often remind myself to ‘lighten up,’ as I know I am walking in the right direction.
Sometimes I feel as though time is just passing me by while I stand in place.
Then I look back and realize I’m in a spot I once longed for.

Be sure to stop and acknowledge all you have accomplished so far, and use that as motivation to further yourself.

We are forever evolving and there is no time frame for growth. Embrace your journey with a whole heart and at your own pace.

Have you gone stagnant with life
And lost your sense of control
Pick yourself up no matter the strife
Learn to love your soul

Open your heart for all to see
Don’t let anything hold you back
Allowing someone to control thee
You’re life will always crack

Your journey is a learning one
It’s truly for you to feel
If you can read you’re not done
It’s a time to live and heal

Sometimes when you don’t understand
Where the roads seem to go
Someone will come take your hand
And love you from head to toe

If you’re feeling unloved in anyway
Send prayers up above
Open your mind everyday
And God will send his love

Dear Unsealed readers;
You may find my letter cliche in its content. The roller coaster I’ve been on since my illness, I assure you is compelling fiction. Growing up we are told to be grateful and appreciate what we have. I never truly understood that life lesson until I got sick.
Starting my 30’s already stressful. Add an extremely unplanned pregnancy after 8 years of just me and my son! Topped with a move, promotion, and progressing strange medical issues. Fast forward 7 years, surviving breast cancer every day. Along with navigating my life around my paralysis due to a rare side effect of cancer, Paraneoplastic Syndrome. Both my children live with my mom, who I’m grateful for. It’s the smaller things we forget as a “normal able body” person. I’m talking about things even as I type them that seem silly; using the bathroom when and where you want, standing up on your own, wiping your own vagina, driving, stairs, not being limited to public places because of stairs or small doors! Don’t get me wrong, I have always been a person who appreciated and was grateful for everything. My lesson is to show your gratitude and appreciation. Telling people in your life how much they mean to you. Thank often!

Your first attempt
Shot down.
He implied
Success not possible.
Your life-sustaining health constraints
The weak point.
Alternative for you suggested.
Disregarded.
Dream denied.
Your tenacity at play,
Second chance requested.
Humanitarian assigned,
Acceptance granted.
Ultimate goal
Shining.
Despite tough and demanding roads,
Obstacles of academia,
Dates with the machine three times a week,
Your grit and perseverance
Enhanced the drive
Uphill to victory.
The glory of adversity deflected.
Strength of the heart
Reigned supreme.

Since I was young,
I dreamed and dreamed of a day,
Where I’d find adventure,
And it would lead me away.
An experience to take me out of my comfort zone,
I dreamt of adventuring with someone,
Not just on my own.
I made up stories to write about,
I fantasized, romanticized, until my dream of adventure appeared in a time of doubt.
Falling at my fingertips,
There it was.
In the form of another,
Through a screen,
Unexpectedly, I met my dream.
On life’s journey, at the same pace as me,
We happened upon each other,
While in separate countries.
I asked the world; what does this mean?
And it replied that the answer lies in the depth of life’s mysteries.
To know true meaning,
One must immerse themselves in the unknown.
And with that, I leaned in further and further until my heart whispered, ” Let’s go!”
Because dreams and adventure are about diving in, letting go, and figuring it out,
So I dove,
I let go, submerged myself in the murky water below.
I got lost,
And fell in love;
And so began the greatest adventure I’d ever known.
We went exploring,
Saw alligators and Grizzlies,
We hiked the Appalachians and wandered the magnificent Rockies.
We visited new cities and tried delicious food,
We decided on forever and in font of a mountainous backdrop exchanged “I do’s.”
As in many adventures sometimes you lose your way,
He took a wrong turn in the dark,
And I ended up caught in the rain.
Trudging through the mud that wanted to bring me down,
I heard the wind whisper to me that at times we have to be lost in order to be found.
To walk the woods o the unknown,
To weather the rain, the wind, the snow.
To learn that with love there comes pain,
And life’s challenges bring experience to gain.
This is what gives ‘living’ life,
Finding myself in the depths of the mud realizing I had never felt more alive.
I knew now what the wind meant and what I was made to go through.
I was meant to find myself alone and afraid, so once beyond the rain,
I could look at myself and say,
“You are strong, you are brave”
And know it to be true.
Beyond the darkness and the storm,
I viewed my dream in a new form.
I was no longer scared of going the adventure on my own,
And it was when I was afraid that I’d really grown.
I kept walking the path,
Not knowing if our shared adventure would last, hoping we’d find our way back.
Back to each other, changed on our own journey.
And there he was wanting to repair and continue adventuring with me.
We interlocked fingers, walking hand in hand,
We spoke of the hurt and sought to understand.
And thus I had my dream come true,
And the dream hasn’t stopped.
I dreamt of adventure,
And adventure is exactly what I got.

You ever try to envision your future — and it looks pitch black ?
Ppl ask you who you wanna be or what you wanna do — when you grow up
Your single mother was livin in survival mode just like you — doing the best she can
Too busy to sit you down and ask —
“Baby, what you wanna do when you get older? — We gotta start to plan”

Before she knew it — your life began
You’re 17 and graduating and the years flashed right before — her eyes

Now her little girl is pregnant & must grow up and time just passed her by

But don’t get sad on me now — momma — just hold on — hang tight

This is just the beginning — This is not the end

Lucky for her — she was never alone, God had her back… & he became my best friend

You see — For many of you in my same situation
I too grew up w/out an earthly father — to help raise me
but as it turns out — I never really needed him — anyway

My heavenly father picked up his slack . . . Im just another witness & reminder of that —

He placed the right ppl in my life
to help guide me down a — virtuous path

I just had to shift my perspective & be open — to accepting his plan

Gods timing is perfect, he’s never late —
he was just waiting for me to take hold of his hand — on the other end

I had to keep my focus on someone that was beyond me & my current situation
Had to let go of any self pity and all excuses I had created
I could say lucky for me — but most my life — it felt far from it

Regardless — It was never luck or chance
Just a shift in perspective & a blessing in disguise
We all have those — everyday — we just gotta be willing — to open up our eyes
So pls — don’t let yourself be minimized

By yourself — or your surroundings
or anything else — you may be lacking
He makes something out of nothing —
time and time — again
Live life — like it’s already yours — and in due time — it will come — you will win

My first step in achieving my goals came from finding my greatest weaknesses —
Had to figure out how to turn my weakness into power — so I laid them — right beneath him

But first — let’s take it back to beginning— before I started winning

It was my big bro & my middle school sweetheart
That’s who did it —

My big bro held a lot of anger inside — while tryna figure out who he was — and what he believed in

As for my baby — He was born into a different lifestyle than mine — and I wanted nothing more than to — save him
I didn’t want to lose him — in more ways than simply just — our relationship

I had To try to prove to myself and to them
why the man up above
was the one to believe in

I’d not been able to overcome and succeed in all that I have — if it wasn’t for God — & his strength in our weakness

I wanted to show them a love — so pure
but first — I had to start — by believing

I wanted to show them his love but I knew — it would take lots of time — and patience — for them to see it

I Had to do it in a positive way
not too pushy— or rushed — or forcefully done
Cus the God I knew, taught me — early on — that’s not what real love was

Unfortunately — my current circumstance didn’t yet reflect the God — that I knew & loved
I was only 15 yrs old & hadn’t lived long enough
I didn’t have anything to prove or show for it — just yet
So I had to put my words into action even tho it was hard
I always suffered from anxiety and lacked concentration and because of it — I struggled bad
I was made out — to always feel dumb
but — I was far from that
The worlds a cruel place to live in — and at times
I believed what theyd sung
But Gods words over me and my life were different
and they’ll also speak life unto yours
So I had to live by the words that I preached
so I too could believe the words — that he spoke
it’s been almost 15 yrs since than and I’ve accomplished a lot in my life that I sought out to do
I’m still so far from done but I’m doing what I can —Lord — to make sure — it all points back to you
So here are some of my goals he helped me achieve — (he helped me come true)

I knew nothing about kids and babies
Not a clue how some day i would become a mommy
So I went to school for childcare
and became someone I’d never known
I became a infant toddler teacher and got to hold lots of babies and watch them grow
I was able to raise my baby boy — good
even tho a few yrs back I would have never thought or knew …
Remember when I sd i used to see pitch black
—Well things changed real fast when
God said to me — nahhh bby girl — wait —till you see —what I’ve got in store — for you

next up— I decided to get certified to become a foster parent
but that’s something I still have to do

I decided I wasn’t done just yet tho
so I went back to school to became a nail tech
Too
& still I thought that wasn’t enough so , I said,
how bout a barber too

Life’s been a whole lotta up down rollercoaster wild ride adventures — this is true
But pls don’t get discouraged by my accolades thus far
cause they come and go the same way we do
They will all fade into dust someday but one thing will remain to be true
My biggest goal that i accomplished & the one that matters the most
is — that even — if no one else will believe—
I proved to myself — God is true

It started with your love of movies and books,
You will read at lunch ignoring the looks,
Mesmerized by the punch line , climax ad hooks,
Diction, characters, performances that shook.

You struggled a bit with word composition,
Was it your honest young views or rough diction,
But when your mind meshed with your creative fiction,
It may take you as far as jurisdiction.

Today your composition is better than all,
You now stand and write books while I stand and walk tall,
Sorry for the long buildup, no more talk,
A youth with books under his name is no ball.

When asked the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up,” no one responds a low level employee at a mega department store. However, that’s where my life’s journey took me. Initially I planned to be there for three months which became three years.
During my time working there I faced many life altering challenges such as domestic violence, a house fire, failing school, homelessness, financial instability,etc. It seemed to ME that the only thing I was good at was my job. Work and became my safe haven from the chaos of life so I invested all my creative energy into making my department the best. I began to build my whole life around the demands of the job and the more I gave the more they took. It didn’t matter to me because it made me feel good to be great at something.
Although I did acquire new skills, I settled and became complacent. I accepted this was my life, but subconsciously I knew I deserved better.
Working in the bakery gave me the most joy. Eventually I became a cake decorator and it gave me pleasure to create beautiful things for others to enjoy. Management offered me a temporary position as bakery manager, which I declined. However when I was told the offer was permanent I accepted. At the time I made a lot of internal and external changes in my life and I felt it was only up from here.
I worked hard for what I felt I earned. One day they called me in the office to tell me although I was doing phenomenally, they were giving the job to the old manager. Initially I protested and asked questions to no avail. When I reevaluated the paperwork I signed my heart sank. Although I was listed as a permanent manager in my profile the contract said overlay which meant they could give it to the old manager at any time. I felt betrayed and hurt. My choices were made simple relocate as a low level employee or quit. With that came a pay cut that was lower than my initial pay rate before I was promoted.
After I cried, I calmed down and meditated. I realized there was another radical option. I could start my own cake business. I possessed the skill and tenacity, so what could stop me but fear? Would I continue to stand in my own way?
With considerable research I realized it was very possible with little cost. I had to release limiting mindsets and confidence was the key to being as successful as I wanted to be. If I could invest creative ideas to build up a multi billion dollar company why not in myself? I still had some doubts, but within a week I made my first sell.
I am currently in the process of opening my business, working part time and restarting school with a new goal in mind. I have more time for myself and my children.
Remember your dreams and know you deserve better. Be who you want to be. No matter how much time it takes or who thinks you’re unworthy. You determine your value. Speak positively and give yourself grace. Every breathe is an opportunity to make those changes. You have the final say, so never give up and I’ll see you on the other side!

You will be a poet
You will be heroic
You will feel stoic
You will love yourself more
You’re strong and know it

You won’t be nothing
You’re hopeless
I don’t even understand
why you wrote this?
You live inside your head too much
I need you to focus

Prone to depression
The cause is unknown
Maybe from a broken heart
My house is not a home
I can’t tell anyone what’s going on
So instead I sing my sad song …

I wish to be a poet
I wish to be heroic
I wish to feel stoic
But I won’t be nothing
And I knows it

Ms. Lisa ,
A women with a good head on her shoulders
And an attitude so bold
Even though she’s my teacher
She also plays a motherly role

A leader that can follow
And take control
Been through trials and tribulations
Just a Testimony to her soul

She bends down and look me in my eyes

Listen Lisa,
Do not compromise
Your heart will not be your demise
Your emotions are the prize
The same thing that cause your fall
Will be the same thing to help you rise

WAIT, IS THAT ME ?
How could that be ?
I look down at my journal entry

You will be a poet
You will be heroic
You will feel stoic

Learn to love yourself more
You’re strong and know it
-Love Lisa