To my unborn child,

The first love I ever knew, and first pain I was introduced to, was my mother’s. And if you ever get the chance to come through me into this world, I’ll be yours too.

Because you’ll have grown inside my womb, where you’ll have eaten what I ate and felt all that I feel. And all of my patterns, whether I want them or not, will become somatically inscribed into your genetic coding. So that even after the umbilical cord is cut, we’ll still be connected.

Even now, strangely, I feel we are connected in spirit.

Because even now, my body carries the egg that might one day become you.

Stranger still, my mom once carried us in her womb. She carried the egg that became me while she was still inside of her mother.

Though you aren’t born or even conceived, when and if you were to be, I’ll want you to know that mother is a spirit. And sometimes, a mother in her human form, for whatever reason, can’t or doesn’t always know how to embody the mother spirit. So we may, at different times in our lives, find a mother in another — person, place, or even within our own selves. Know too, that Mother Earth is all around you.

I want to be the best mother I can be, but I am scared, so I write to you in my journal.

Because one day, I might be gone, and I’ll want you to know that even then, you can always find a mother inside and step into her when you need to. You can never be without me because I am her, and she is in you.

I understand that it isn’t my responsibility to shield you from the wears and tears of life, but I do feel like it is my duty to prepare you for them as best as I can. So if any C-PTSD or abandonment wounds show up for you, here’s what you need to know.

My mom, who is your grandmother, was abandoned from the time she was a baby until she was six years old. She was raised by her aunts in a rural village in Thailand, and was breastfed by her grandmother. For the longest time, she referred to herself as “the girl with no mother.”

Upon returning to her homeland with her in 2015, I watched as those aunts that once fed and bathed her, remembered and embraced her with open arms and tear-stained cheeks. And then I knew, for the first time in my life, that she had been loved after all. Maybe not very well by the one woman who should have loved her most, nor by the man she chose to marry, but at least, well enough by those women. Enough, anyway, that she was able to love me well enough to want to gift that same love to you (with my own spin on it, of course).

But my mom, for a long time, had been disconnected from her roots, and that disconnectedness manifested physically in 2020 as colorectal cancer. Located at her root chakra, her emotions, past traumas, and hurts that were never addressed or processed rose to the surface, demanding her attention. Because the body remembers, even when the mind forgets. All this, I want you to know too.

For the last few years, I’ve been rewriting my mother’s narrative from “the girl with no mother” to “the girl with many mothers.” And I’ve noticed that as one of us heals, so does the other, and I’m hoping that it continues down the line.

In rewriting the stories she had always told herself, my siblings, and I while we were growing up, I realized that I too, could rewrite my own stories at any point in time. I didn’t need or want to abandon myself in order to be loved anymore, nor do I choose to surround myself with people who self-abandon or that emotionally abandon me.

And this lesson I’m re-learning every single day, in every relationship, including the one with myself.

If I could tell you one thing, it’d be this — I want you to choose you.

Choose you, when given the choice to wrestle someone out of their own karmic entrapment. Set yourself free and potentially inspire them to do the same.

Choose you, when faced with the dilemma of making sacrifices. Distinguish between the two by observing that offerings are given freely while sacrifices tend to be bargains in disguise, that in time, lead to resentment if the return on investment fails to arrive.

Choose you, when this world or any force within it tries to silence your voice. Your voice is powerful and each time you roar, you do so for you, for me, for your grandmother, and all others who came before.

Choose you, when your intuition guides you to your calling. If you don’t answer, it will keep ringing until you do. Any good karma I’ve been generating, I hope will be passed onto you.

Because everytime you choose to honor your truth, you become empowered. And the love that ripples from the changes you consciously make within your being, slowly but surely heals the fabric of our collective humanity’s consciousness. When you come into this world, you will have inherited ancestral gifts too, not only traumas. And if you let them, those gifts can become a reservoir of innate strength.

Choose you — because it is your life to live, and no one else can die for you.

As I write these words, I’m writing them to me too.

That might be the strangest thing about becoming an adult, let alone a parent. As soon as you think you’re ready to teach, you realize that you never stop learning.

Most of all, know that I love you always. And one day, if I’m ever ready, when the time is right, I’ll be honored to meet you.

Love,

I was hanging out with a good friend of mine the other day, and she asked me something that got me thinking. She said to me: “I’ve noticed the last couple times we hung out that you talk about the future and having kids, is that something you think about a lot?” I sat there for a minute reflecting, and then I responded; I explained to her that I do think about it in the aspect of knowing the person I want to be when I am a mother, as well as the steps I need to take in the meantime before family planning starts. She took in my response and then took the question a bit further by asking if I think I am doing everything I do now for my future children, or if I am doing all of this for myself. Quickly sifting through the thoughts as they rushed in, I realized it may seem like I am living my life for a future that could not even happen (I mean, life doesn’t always go as planned). After a short pause and a breath, I stated that I honestly feel like I am doing this for all of us. I let her know that I am working on being the parent that I wanted as a child, and there are things I know I want to do for my child(ren) that requires my current dedication to my wellbeing, both physically and mentally. I also mentioned that I would be upset if the time came to start a family and I looked back at the past couple years and didn’t see any progress towards my goals. In that regard, I like to keep that on my mind as it keeps me focused on my intentions and values.

For the past several years, I have been working on my mental health and regulating my emotions. For years I suffered with anxiety; I constantly worried about the worst-case scenarios in every part of my life, I’d often have angry outbursts that were followed by uncontrollable sobbing, and I felt like I had no control over any of my thoughts or feelings. All of this left me with a feeling of hatred toward my brain, and therefore my entire self. I would find myself “people-pleasing,” because I never wanted to let anyone down or feel like a bad friend. Behind the constant saying “yes” when I meant really meant “no,” and over-extending myself to the point of burnout, deep down I did all of these things because I just felt horrible about myself and I didn’t want anyone to see me the way I saw myself. Fortunately, with the help of my therapist and your father (he’s truly the best, I know you’ll love him so much), I have since come to realize that I am not the awful person that my anxiety tricked me into thinking I was, and I am finally learning to love every part of me, including the parts of me that I once despised.

As I have been on this journey, I have been learning about psychology and how certain events or situations can impact a young child’s brain. I have been learning about how humans coregulate with other people around them, and how important that is when a young child is growing up. I know that if I were to have had you a few years ago, in the midst of my worst anxiety attacks and self-loathing patterns, that would not have been the healthiest environment for you to be in during your early days. As I continue to work on my patience and learning about my mind, oftentimes I about you and your future. I think about you having a calm, content mother who happily lulls you to sleep and is there to comfort you in times when you feel distressed. I think about you witnessing your parents emulating the true meaning of love, and also feeling that same incredible love from us. I think about how I want you to be curious and ask questions and be confident in who you are, even in times when peers or others around you may try to influence you. I think about how there are times where you may not like me so much or I may fail you in some ways, but that I hope as an adult you will be able to understand that I am doing my best and still learning as a human being. So yes, I do think about you a lot, and I do what I do every day for you. There is a well-known quote that reads: “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” so I make an effort every day to make sure I fill my own cup first, so in the future, I can fill yours.

To my future child(ren), I love you already.

Representation to me means the whole entire world and takes on a whole new level when you weren’t born the so-called typical way and your body doesn’t fit the mold. I have a form of Cerebral Palsy known as Spastic Diplegia which translates to both of my legs being affected resulting in difficulties moving around. I use all different types of things for mobility aid ranging from leg braces, a walker and occasionally a wheelchair for longer distances. A little bit of a back story. I’m a triplet as a result of in vitro we came into this world at thirty weeks so when you come to think about it my family and I are truly blessed as things could have been a whole lot worse. Under no circumstances does that mean I’m not deserving of being seen. I have so much to offer this world but don’t have as nearly as many audiences to show as I should. All throughout my years of elementary, middle and high school I had something called an individualized education plan which had my specific needs documented such as extra time on tests and so on including the therapies I received physical and occupational. I have fine motor difficulties however they are not as prevalent as my gross motor ones. There will never be a time when I don’t need physical therapy. I attend an intensive place bi weekly and at the end of every session I feel so proud of myself. It can be absolutely grueling at times but it’s so worth it. Another thing I had in school was a one on one aide to help in making sure I navigated from place to place safely. Fast forward to after high school graduation and I no longer have either of those things. I in a sense fell off the face of the earth. There is literally nothing for me now as all my life I have been told I fall in the middle somewhere or am too high functioning, but then again keep in mind things can be too advanced for me as well. A number of programs I have reached out to don’t even bother responding I shouldn’t have to experience what I do on a daily basis boredom beyond measure because I have very few things to occupy my time which is off the scale frustrating because not to toot my own horn but I am very smart I just need a different approach than most. For example when I was in eleventh grade I was inducted into the world language honor society and took it a step further and filled out an application to become an officer ultimately becoming the secretary. I have a love of learning but regular college run classes have never been suitable for me as I get extremely overwhelmed with the pace. I have had six surgeries to date and the uncertainty my life presents can be paralyzing some days but I will never ever give up and do not let anything stop me. I have gone rock and boulder climbing reaching the top both times thanks to my amazing friends who to say I’m lucky to have would be an understatement. This applies to my family as well. A support system goes such a long way but now it’s time we reach the highest grounds and soar. I also did adaptive skiing, zip lining, a flying trapeze and will be looking into adaptive surfing for next summer. I get a lot of enjoyment riding my adaptive bike too. Another thing I am working towards is ice skating. In preparation for this I have been practicing in therapy by ambulating with scooters under my feet. Life has thrown me a bunch of curveballs so I want to remind everyone of this, you truly never know the depth of what someone may be going through so in a word where you can be anything just be kind. Here’s a bonus: being kind doesn’t cost a thing plus it’s a two way street you will begin to reap the rewards too trust me on that. I don’t know what job path I would like to go down just yet but I do know one thing for sure: I want to spend all of my life using my voice to help others. This was fueled more so than I could have ever imagined back in 2019 when I became a volunteer suicide mental health hotline operator. It’s fully online through texting. It lit a fire in my soul that I never saw before and I don’t plan to ever stop feeding that passion of mine. When you’re in tune with your own voice you have the power to move mountains, and that is my exact mission in life to do just that, envisioning the best possible future for all. After the conversation you have with the person they have an option to anonymously write something if they want to, like feedback of how we did. They are all very nice but one in particular made the happiest tears flow out of me and I will never forget it as long as I live. It changed my view of literally everything. They called me an angel saying I saved a life today and that I should be proud of what I do. I have every reason to be. That statement leaves me utterly speechless miracles happen in our everyday lives if we look hard enough. To tie back to the theme of this letter representation I always say to myself if someone was in my shoes or anyone with challenges it would be a different story as they would see where I’m coming from. I will always use my voice for all especially those who can’t voice their thoughts to ensure that those with physical challenges on all degrees can have just as much visibility as everyone else I think it’s absolutely wonderful that when it comes to cognitive disabilities like autism and Down syndrome that the world recognizes it as that’s how it should be however we should be represented just like that I hope for this to go viral and be seen by as many possible those in the higher education field would be an ideal start.

Dear Chloe Hayden,

You don’t really know me and you’ve only responded to some of the things I’ve tagged you in, but I’ve been a fan of yours for about three years now. Even though we’ve never officially met, we have some things in common; we’re both autistic writers, actresses, and advocates. We’ve both challenged how autism is represented; you’ve done so through your book and your appearance on Heartbreak High, and I’ve done so through my articles and plays. I may not be as well-known as you, but I admire you and hope to do what you’ve already done. I aim to have a published and well-reviewed work about autism, and I would love to play an autistic character who truly challenges how autism is portrayed in the media.

I’ve recently ordered your book and can’t really comment on it yet, so I’ll talk about your character Quinni from the Heartbreak High reboot. The moment you made the announcement about your casting, I was hyped. I was never really into teen dramas at any point in my life, but I was willing to give the show a chance because you were in it. I’m glad that I did because not only did I get to witness an amazing show with excellent writing, but I got to see the best depiction of autism I had ever seen in my life. I’m sure plenty of viewers have already told you this, but you have no idea what Quinni means to me.

I was diagnosed as autistic somewhere around the age of three, but my parents didn’t tell me until I was seventeen. At that point, I was already an outcast with very few friends. Since I grew up with a secret negative view of autism, I didn’t take the delayed news of my diagnosis very well. That is, I didn’t take it very well on the inside. I looked surprised and confused on the outside when my parents told me the truth, but my insides were slicing themselves up from the center and working their way up to the barrier between my skin and muscle. Sorry for getting a little graphic, but that’s exactly how I felt, and it took me years to finally accept this part of myself.

The main reason why I took the news so hard was because of the lack of proper representation of autism I had growing up. The bit of representation that I did see on TV was just recycled Rain Man and not really anything I could really relate to. Although I did grow up with some autistic-coded characters who were similar to me like Lilo from Lilo and Stitch and Ariel from The Little Mermaid, there were no autistic characters that made me say, “Look! She’s just like me!” If I had seen an autistic character like myself on TV before my parents delivered the big news to me, then maybe I wouldn’t have slipped into an even bigger depression.

If the Heartbreak High reboot had come out when I was a teen, it would’ve helped me through a lot. I could’ve shown some scenes from the show to my friends in order to properly explain what I went through on a daily basis. Only one of my high school friends knew the truth before I finally came out of the autism closest in college, and maybe the Quinni scenes would’ve made me more confident to come out sooner. Every scene that she appears in just oozes autistic accuracy, but there’s one scene in particular that I need to praise. No, it’s not the “Ok Sia” scene that everyone talks about, although that scene is straight fire. I want to talk about Episode Six where Quinni gets to meet her favorite author. The entire episode was relatable from Quinni getting ready for the day to her suddenly having to fit Sasha into her plans that she had set weeks or even months ago to the pure joy on her face when her favorite author encouraged her to write a book. The scene that I want to point out is when Sasha pulls out the victim card and tries to blame Quinni for taking her to the book signing, even though she invited herself to the event that her girlfriend had planned to go to even before they started dating. Poor Quinni just assumed that Sasha actually wanted to go, only to be gaslit as she’s joyfully declaring that she wants to write a book. Her own partner couldn’t even be happy for her and only cares about a party. Then Sasha acts like it’s so hard being a neurotypical person with an autistic partner, but Quinni points out that she’s the only one of the two who actually has to live with autism and runs home in tears.

This scene hit me harder than any other scene in the show because I’ve been there so many times. I’ve lost count of how many times someone I cared about offered to do whatever I wanted to do, only to gaslight me and act as if I’d forced them to do it. I can do whatever my loved ones want me to do without admitting that what they’re putting me through is pure sensory hell, but I’m the villain if they offer to do what I feel like doing. It’s like whatever makes me feel comfortable or happy is wrong. It’s a situation that just about every autistic individual has been through, and yet I hardly see it depicted on TV. I can imagine how hard it must’ve been to film that scene, so I applaud you for bringing it to life. It’s a common autistic experience that more neurotypicals should be familiar with.

I know that you already know this by now, but you’ve changed autism representation for the better. I really hope that I could follow in your footsteps and bring a new autistic icon to life. Keep doing what you’re doing, love.

Your fan,
Catherine Burford

Dear Mom, Dad, Brother & Sisters 
I cherish every good time we had (And still have) together. But when December came around during my childhood, it was always an exciting time. I’ll never forget helping you all put up the Christmas trees. We always had a big tree in that trailer! It was a lot of fun looking at those beautiful Christmas lights in the living room at night with y’all.

Singing Christmas songs with each other was also a joy. My favorite song we would sing together was Twelve Days Of Christmas. It was funny trying to remember each of the things that match each number. But when we sang that song, we SANG the song! 

The closer Christmas Eve & Day got, the more our excitement rose. School added to the excitement by having us students watch Christmas movies, making gingerbread houses (Those were so good!), and eating Christmas candies. 

I’ll never forget dad when you told me the tale about Santa Claus and what happens if he catches you awake at night. You said he’ll put salt & pepper in our eyes if Santa catches us peeking. I remember hearing who I think was Santa one time during Christmas in the early morning. That story made me stay in bed until Santa left our trailer and went to another place. 

Santa never put salt & pepper in our eyes, so I’m grateful for that. Whew! 

Christmas Days were the best. I was always the first to go into the living room and see what Santa got for all of us. The happiness, joy, and wonder I felt each time at looking under the Christmas tree was everything. Seeing you all also happy and opening presents was great to see also. 

I remember my brother and me playing with our new toys while mom and dad were cooking Christmas dinner. My sisters would be in the living room with us for a while before heading to their room and playing in their own world until Christmas dinner was ready. Haha!

I miss those times when we would have Christmas together, before my siblings and I started having our own lives. I’m forever grateful for those times though and hope we can all get together again soon. And mom, I’ll save you a plate so you can eat yourself silly.
Gerald

Dear Grandma Urdang and Grandpa Urdang,
Growing up Mom and Dad took me almost every weekend to visit you in Greenich Village. We either drove into the city or in later years came down the palisade parkway to visit you on the very cool west 4 th street in the west village. You lived in a 100 year old nyc city historic landmark apartment building on the 3rd floor without an elevator. Your apartment was far from fancy or nicely decorated. It was dark and a bit dreary but I had the absolutely best time coming to see you and Grandpa. When I was very little you both would kiss my hands and face and call me shana maidela (which is Yiddish for pretty girl). You made me feel so beautiful.
Homemade chicken soup was always the meal we shared. Yum. delicious. When I was 14 my parents told me I could take the bus from Rockland County to the 42nd street bus terminal by myself to come visit you. I loved those times I had you all to myself. Unfortunately, in later years it was just you grandma. I think at that point you were starting to face your mortality so you decided to give me money every time I came to visit. Now I want you to know that kind gesture that you insisted on giving me touched me but that was nothing compared to the affection and love I received from you. I felt like I was your favorite grandchild. Maybe all your grandchildren felt that way. It did not matter. I so cherished the loving bond we had. I hope I gave you as much joy as you gave me and I hope I always made you proud. I know the life I have lived and the love I am able to give my family is a direct result of the sweetness you surrounded me with throughout my childhood. I so miss you both.
Your shana maidela,
Shelala

Dear Mom and Dad,

When I was a child, we went on trips to Disney World, Aruba, California, and Vermont. We went to zoos and parks and all sorts of places. I played soccer worldwide, as we traveled as far as Italy to compete. While each of those memories is special, one of my favorite memories growing up is a bit simpler.

Every day from first grade until my senior year, one of you drove me to school – sometimes a half hour away. I played soccer for teams all over the state, and you drove me to practice and games several times a week. In addition, you also took me to girl scouts, Hebrew school, tennis lessons, dance, acting classes, and who knows what else. With all these activities, it was often just one of you in the car and me. If it were dad and me, we’d often talk about soccer or school. Dad, you’d pump me up and build my confidence. It was in those car rides you told me I could do anything I wanted in life.

Mom, if I were in the car with you, we’d blast music like NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys and talk about life. On one of those car rides, while cruising down the New York State Thruway, we decided the song “This is My Promise to You” by NSYNC would be OUR song.

Those car rides are some of my most cherished memories from my childhood. It was moments I had your full attention – while me and the road, of course. I could talk to you about anything, and we weren’t distracted by other people or the noise of the rest of the world. It was just us. The attention made me feel loved and important. In those car rides, I found a safe space to share my fears and doubts and tell you about whatever was on my mind. Dad told me stories that included life lessons, while mom always was positive and reassuring.

It was in those car rides I learned to believe in myself.

While sometimes, we as human beings try to create great memories – planning big trips or throwing huge parties – for me, the best memories have always been the ones we didn’t even realize we were creating.

I Love you both.

P.S. I owe you some gas money