Walking this Earth,
Taking the (E and h)
Out. Creating “Art”
Then ill rearrange the letters,
Putting the “h” in front,
As I leave a piece of my
“Heart” here on this Earth.

I love my dogs,
I really really do…
But there are some aspects,
like when you take a back-step,
and wind up stepping in pooh!

They chew, they bite,
they scratch, they knaw.
When you’re watching a movie,
they’re licking their paw!

You’re sitting at the table,
waiting for dinner to start,
when along comes your dog,
and lets out a fart!

You all start gagging,
and gasping for air.
His tail starts wagging,
He doesn’t even care!

When you meet new friends,
and go to their door.
Your dog walks in,
and pees on the floor!

They dig, they shed,
they claw, they shred.
They get in your laundry,
and make their bed!

With all that they break,
and all they destroy,
they’re still the best little girls,
and good little boys.

When you come home,
from a long hard day,
they’re always right there,
and ready to play.

They love us so good.
They love us so well.
Even when our world,
is going to hell.

When my heart is broken,
and the tears start to flow,
I run to your shoulder,
and let it all go.

You won’t be here forever,
so I try to make it the best.
I focus on the good things,
and forget about the rest.

Whenever our bond is broken,
I know it always will mend.
That’s why they call you,
“Man’s Best Friend”.

Dear Former Self,

I know life is hard for you. I understand how just existing is painful. Once you dreamed of being happy, or at least content. Now you only dream of death. Don’t give up though little one. Start believing that happiness is within reach, that you can and will find it someday.

You think you’re so wise, but there’s things you still don’t know. Someone should have told you that what you’re feeling is a sickness of the mind. Instead they let you believe you are bad – antisocial to hide away, stubborn not to eat, and “always airing your dirty laundry” when you finally do speak. This sickness, this clinical depression, has eaten away your confidence, overwhelmed you with sadness, and closed you eyes to hope. It’s trying to kill you and right now it’s winning. But you’ll get strong, find the help you need, and beat this thing back.

Someday those endless stream of doctors will lead you to some good medicine. You’ll have to keep up with a lot of pills, but it will quell that mad misery plaguing you. You will get to know your sickness inside and out, including how to zap it’s energy and hold over you.

I will not lie. You will never kill the beast. But your dream of happiness is still achievable. You can learn to tame the monster, hold it at bay, and when it grabs you, you’ll be able to loosen yourself from its grip. As you grow bigger, it’ll get small and weak.

Someday you won’t be alone in your struggle either. You’ll find love and understanding in real friends and a life partner who takes care of you when you can’t care of yourself. This love will fill your dry well of loneliness and you’ll feel warmth instead of that chilling cold.

You’ll manage a semblance of normalcy – and not as a show, but genuine stability and satisfaction. You won’t be happy all the time, but you will come to a place where you realize you’re happy with your life. No longer will you dream of death. Instead you’ll dream of exciting new adventure lying ahead. Oh, and adventures you will have – summitting snowy peaks, riding trains through India, making wine with your cousins in eastern Europe, skinny dipping in the Pacific Ocean, studying under the Dalai Lama, and so much more.

So don’t give up little one. It may take a while, but some day your dream of happiness will come true.

You may call me a freak,
But I prefer unique.
You may think my thoughts strange,
But at least I’m not deranged.
So let me explain
Why weird is better than plain.

While others follow the herd,
I fly off like a bird,
Forging my own route
Where my dreams can sprout.
The path may be rougher,
But it’ll only make me tougher.

Alone you may find me.
Though lonely I will never be
For I am friends with the best,
The beasts, and bees, and all the rest
Who don’t ever mind
That I am different than their kind.

Uninhibited, but aware,
I slip through the snare
That society has laid to trap,
Baited with shiny, useless crap,
To keep us caught in the machine.
Shedding social mores, I flee the scene.

Travelling far and wide
I’ve found others on my side.
They do not talk or dress like me,
But they, too, long to be free.
Together our mix-match crew
Form fine families anew.

So, you see, in the end
I will not break or bend
For fitting in is not my worry,
Nor am I sad or sorry
About those who’ve shut me out.
It’s their loss only, without a doubt.

How do I weave these words without a stir,
When fate and I engage in a silent war?
Who shall bend, who shall break,
In this quest for love, for dreams that wake?

Forever I thought, we’d be side by side,
For without you, my heart cannot abide.
But love, elusive, a cruel friend to me,
Fate clings tight while I seek to be free.

In shadows of doubt, my faith slipped away,
Mankind fractured the fairytale I’d play.
Yet a whisper urged me to pause, to refrain,
To gather my strength, to rise once again.

Before I speak to the one I adore,
May I pen you this letter, a wish to explore?
How do I express this without causing fear,
When all I hold dear is right here, near?

Once a believer, now lost in despair,
As the years turned cold, I paused to repair.
Yet in all the chaos, your love shines bright,
A shield for my heart, a guiding light.

She sees me, all of me, calls me to stay,
To turn from the fear that might lead me astray.
With devotion, I stand, no trespass intended,
Ask for your heart, a journey unended.

If I must depart, I promise, I swear,
Your heart will be tender, beyond all compare.
I fear not the path that love leads me down,
For with you, my darling, I’ve found solid ground.

When you know, you know; I spoke with my fate,
Not just a dream, but my future awaits.
Eager to share this life, hand in hand,
With Heaven above, blessing our land.

Pride laid aside, with desires fulfilled,
In your radiant presence, my heart’s gently thrilled.
Every want and every need, no longer concealed,
I’m enraptured by you, our bond revealed.

Breathtaking and brilliant, both heart and mind,
I pinch myself daily, in awe of the find.
Is this love, this wonder, beneath my feet?
A reality blossoming, beautifully sweet.

So here’s to the journey as I’ve fallen anew,
All fears that once haunted have melted from view.
For she sees all of me, and I wish to stay,
As love blooms between us, come what may.

What you see is what you get.
If I’m showing interest
You probably feel it,
If Im ignoring, you’ve
Lost my interest.
I’m no longer seeking
Another relationship.
I’m now looking for my “best friend”
As she will do all the goofey
Things laugh and play,
Argue and disagree
while still remaining
A friend in need.
That’s the only relationship
I’m looking for.
What you see is what you get.
Somedayz I’m confident,
Other’s seem like auto pilot.
Somedayz I’m quiet,
Stuck in my thoughts
Lost in my head
Probably feeling a Lil depressed.
Somedayz I’m happy As can be
Feeling like,
Nothing can bother me.
And there are
Somedayz that I could feel
All of these feelings.
What you see is what you get.

The current weight of the state, that I left me in; almost done me in.. How did I get here, AGAIN?! Ah, I see.. I lost the traction to believe – in ME; Not the ‘me’ imprisoned by fear, failure and lack; but the young one, tucked way deep down in the back.. The back of mind, heart and core; laced up with ribbons of dysfunction, pain and trauma from all the years before; Her voice ever softened crying out for solace- HELP ME! I plead.. save me from this space – place seeded in me – help me escape this world- this construct; empty and fake. I can feel the echoes of her small trembling voice reverberating in my ears; “Why can’t I be like my peers?” Heart and eyes swelling with tears.. arms outstretched longing for someone to hold me, console me; not scold the the unsalved bits of my soul.. It’s deafening and it’s taking it toll; pushing with a force, a steady strength and pace.. ever inching to the ledge; the edge of my escape or fate? Then I hear it, my voice of most high ”Remember who you are! You will not roll over, give up, throw in the towel or say goodbye! For salvation, peace and true freedom is nigh.. Your work here isn’t finished, there’s still so much left for you to do; You my sweet child have NOTHING TO PROVE! Just share your truth.” Here is the secret to dismantle the chaos: When you’re standing with your back against the wall; looking into the eyes of those awaiting your fall – release the breath you’re holding; dreading the notion of having to start again at a crawl.. Let the cards and mask, drop, fall where they must – without a whimper, tear or fuss; for you are not alone: and there ARE ones you can trust. Let them hear you my darling; for this is your calling! Can you hear me, my tribe? NO VOICE is too small; It’s why we have each other in this life; after all.
*With all my unconditional love, Shell*

a line we draw,
Ever changing yet-
Rarely executed as conceived.
An idea beyond your skill level-
You draw the line,
You make up your mind-
You’ll accept nothing less…
Then it stretches and breaks,
You’ve got a chance to draw again.

It takes a lifetime of mistakes.
Or perhaps one very enlighteneing day-
Your lines are yours to draw,
Your choices yours to color.
bounadries are yours to make,
With each relationship or day-
They change…
that’s okay.
Some people never find them,
Some never pick up the pencil-
To draw a line for their being-
To ask themselves what they believe in,
Draw your lines- confidently.
Devote yourself to them
As if you are someone you love-
Stick to them unfailingly.
Just like an etch a sketch-
Always feel free to give them a shake.
When YOU are compelled-
Your life is yours to draw the lines & create.

Half a lifetime ago,
I buried a future
in these woods.
 
Vowing then 
never to return.  

Refusing to revisit
a painfully lost vision
left broken in a history
full of revision and derision.  
 
But, tonight 
I returned.

To seek forgiveness,
from the lost life 
I buried alive.

Drawing a deep breath,
I stepped into the past.

Following old instincts
down lost winding trails
in the late evening heat.

As songbirds flew quiet overhead,
and dry leaves cried under my feet.
 
Rushing, familiar winds
      howled in both ears,
feeding old, tired fears.
 
Everything has changed, but still 
everything is the same.

I walked through mangled 
forgotten trees,
that ceased being haunted
but were clearly diseased.

Her screams cut through my anxieties.

She remembers me.

I ran, frantic, 
without thought.
I still knew the spot. 
 
Dropping to my knees 
as dark clouds stole
the last light.
 
I dug.
I clawed.

I fought to find
the part of my mind
I was working to refine,
but buried alive  
before its time. 

Is this it?
Is my future over?
Is this the end? 

A deep coldness
crept over my skin,
as I began to give in.
 
It was then.
She took my hand. 
A fiery grip from within.

Light rushed into my heart.
And courage flashed in my eyes. 

For the first time in so many times,
I stood with a rush of adrenaline.

Finally, 
ready to live again.

Love still lives on

There are promises that surpasses this world,
often filled with things in life we can’t comprehend.
Yet when we take a moment to be still and believe,
there is a song that’s being played on the wind.
When the breeze caresses your tear streaked face,
when you grieve in despair that they’re gone,
we must remember that love never dies
in the light and in our hearts love still lives on.
When the raindrops fall and mingle with tears,
when the sun rises and sets on days hard and long,
allow the rays of God’s love and light to engulf you,
for in God’s embrace is proof that love still lives on.
That random butterfly or strange cloud in the sky,
that whisper or suddenly you hear that special song.
Our loved ones are always near and with us,
giving those signs that their love still lives on.
To grieve is human and we know,
that the process is never a straight line.
There are moments when you can laugh and smile,
there are moments when you may feel out of your mind.
Beloved feel what you feel when you feel it,
for each of us will grieve in different ways.
Yet be compassionate to others and yourself,
it’s a path we all have to walk and ultimately take.
Allow your village of lights to surround and lift you,
may the Lord comfort your hearts all along,
for the word says “I will give everlasting life”
that’s a promise from God that love still lives on.
Fill your spirit with affirmations and memories,
know that in the midst of life’s storms you are never alone.
May God strengthen you always with heavenly kisses,
a reminder that love never dies when love still lives on.

I am not where I come from
That’s not my identity
Though it somehow fashioned me

The way I talk and the way I walk
Always looking round me
That’s that city mentality

But it doesn’t fully define me
I am more of where I’m going
The place that awaits me

The welcome mat of glory
That’s my destiny

The beginning was just the start
of this journey that takes me
to where I long to be

It was a time and place for which most will forget
But that which lies ahead,
That’s majestic yet

So it doesn’t matter where or how I started
What matters is where I will be
Eternity

This tainted skin
the crevices found on my body
the cuts and scrapes
the tears that remain

the weight on my shoulders that pressed down so deeply
That I could barely breathe deeply

None of that fully defines me
for this is just the journey

And yes there is value to this journey
You gotta look around and breathe it in take it all in
Still what matters most is what lies ahead in the distance, in the horizon,
The shining glory,
that’s where I’m going to be
that’s me

“We’re led by a force that we believe is outside of ourselves. Pulled to the most beautiful things, we subject ourselves to experience the most wretched—duality in and of itself. Each experience separate from the meaning we assign to it, unique to every one of us. And so, in the end, when all of my life is behind me, I will still never know yours—except in passing.”