Sometimes I catch myself thinking back
To the version of me from a few months ago,
The me who sat outside your downtown apartment
For the last time.

I can picture that day—crying, screaming,
My heart, irrational
Begging my feet to walk back up to your door,
While my mind, logical
Pleaded for my hands
To put the car in reverse and drive away.

Long story short, my mind won.

I think of that version of me sometimes,
Like a ghost lingering behind my eyes,
Not there to haunt me,
but to reveal itself once in a while.

Although that version of me
Is not too distant in the past,
It feels like a lifetime ago.

My heart was so sad,
Yet unaware I was on the edge
Of something so beautiful and great—
I just couldn’t see it through eyes blurred with tears.

Now I’m lying in my own bed, alone.
In the green light of my lamp,
Listening to the bubbling of my humidifier,
Surrounded by walls we painted orange together,
But only I now can feel the color’s warmth.

I am lying here with my head at the foot of the bed,
Because oddly, over the past few months,
I have found comfort in feeling misplaced.
I have learned I can feel peace
Even when I am in pieces.

I feel relieved to climb in bed alone,
To hold nothing but my stuffed animal,
And feel no other touch except my own
And my dog at my feet.

I lie here wondering
How could there have ever been a time
When I hurt that much?
In the same thought, I remind myself
I will love something so greatly
That one day I will hurt that much again.

In the meantime,
I can lay here in my bed,
Relieved, alone, and okay.

I stare out at the skyline between his chestnut ears, the heat from his body meets the cool crisp air forming a mist around us. Hoofbeats stop, but they echo through my soul.

The way the snow dusted mountains touch the sky with a simple ease of purely being. They don’t reach. They don’t try. They just are.

The never ending blue hits the white peaks creating an abrupt boundary between infinity and its end. Such a fine line between now and forever.

How we wonder what lies beyond them. Out there in the abyss where dreams hide and the sun sings. We know tomorrow isn’t promised. When might we end up there?

Our two hearts beat in rhythm with the wind as it takes my breath with it. We don’t know where we are going, but we know where we are. This is it. Today is all we need.

I’m learning how to receive
I’m not there for the harvest but i take part in the seeding
Watering fickle trees
I play in the dirt on my hands and knees
Grounding in a foundation that works better for me

Dearest readers,
Mozart once said “The music is not in the notes, but in the silence between.” And in the world we live in today, music is everywhere! It’s in the trees, when the birds sing, when the wind blows and even in big cities like NYC! I feel most at peace when I can hear music in my everyday life. I love trying to figure out the melodies in nature and I love trying to hear every day songs in those melodies also. Music has always been a huge part of my life and I hope it never goes away!!

I feel most at peace when the rumbling of my conscious cease. It’s always been me and my nibbling conscious, spilling words from my psyche to the ink from this pen. It’s Sunday morning and my heart has been ash gray since last May and somehow it’s May again… and somehow I’m here again.

It’s always been me and my nibbling conscious and though she is my closest friend, she is always nibbling… always rumbling… always… always… And she’s loud I may add… and she’s angry I may also add… but more than anything, she’s suppressed, I will lastly add. And maybe rightfully so.

It’s always been me and my nibbling conscious and on those rarities where she is still… when the rumbling quiets down and the ash settles… I feel peace. When my conscious ceases and I’m able to pick up the peaces, that is my peace.

I am a snowy sculpturer
Carving waves of welding down the chute

I spy a young racer
riding a magic carpet for the first time
Into the bluebird forest

A witch floats overhead
Mesmerizing us with her backflips and wildcat ways
A chef making pizza nearby devours every bite

As each dreamer creates their own masterpiece,
I inhale frosty air
and transform into a helicopter
Gliding uphill and experiencing the aerial view
In all its wonder

I arrive at the white crown
And dismount
A new friend emerges, a snowcat,
She welcomes me with champagne

Encouraging me
to savor each elevation
and remind me halcyon days are here

Like cars on a highway,
time goes rushing by.
There is so much going on,
that often it gets pushed to another dawn.

Between everything going on in a day,
it is often hard to remember what others say.
Repetition and writing it down is helpful,
so we are not as forgetful.

Sometimes more action is needed,
so that memory can be succeeded.
Relaxing the body and the mind
is a good route to find.

What works is different for each.
For me it is the beach.
The soft, shiny sand
is one part as it sticks to my toes and hands.

Other than bathing in the sun,
there are many other ways to have fun.
I always have been someone to love the ocean.
I incorporate it into as many activities as I can.

The sun on the water glistens
as you awe at it and listen.
Like someone abruptly leaving,
the power of water makes it not always pleasing.

The waves constant back and forth is expected,
however, the currents can be unexpected.
This combination makes the ocean soothing
while also making it perplexing.

Add the birds and laughter
all through the atmosphere,
and I am put in serenity
when I am in an ocean’s vicinity.

When the sun beams
down, the sand gleams.
With the sand gleaming and the water glistening,
the body and mind relax and become fully positive thinking.

The beach makes me tranquil,
and it helps me return with an improved memory and drive still.

He goes for a run 
So I lay in his bed and stared out the window
I watch the wind move the grass, the flowers, the weeds in the garden next door 
I’ve been in a season of cover songs
So I play one I know will make me think and feel and yearn
I’m so acutely aware 
Of how present moment I am 
And I never want to forget it. 

I never want to forget the smallest of moments I felt safest in. 
I never want to forget in the moments of terror, depravity, and heartache I’ve lived; there are moments of peace in the easiest of places if I want to pay attention 

A neighbor’s flower bed
Feeling the wind’s chill through an open window under a lover’s blanket 
A new take on an old song that blows your mind 
A quick phone call to a loved one ending in an “I love you, goodbye.”
In giving and receiving space for and from others
In recognizing I’m allowed to take up space.

today i found new places i wish to kiss you
where the trees kiss our faces as we walk by
our bodies sway with the bamboo
the rustling and crunching of our feet in the leaves
joining the birds in song
our hair mingles with the grass
our bodies intertwine with the vines
our lips touch like the petals of an iris
puckered like the center of a daffodil

delighted by the scent of the cherry laurel
almost as delicious as the scent of your skin
the taste of honeysuckle on your lips

we lay under the cherry blossoms
in the petal-dappled sunlight
we speak soft words of adoration
our bodies melting together
sinking into the dirt
returning to the earth

Time unlimited
When it is at its weakest
Unlimited Time

Fendi and Gucci are idolized
remaining sane is ostracized
when you stand up against the man, you will be demoralized
my pain runs deep like it’s crystallized
I can’t even front I became hypnotized
I can’t run forever, shit, I’ve already been traumatized
I’m in therapy, like bankruptcy to reorganize
my life changed when I prioritized the beautiful sunrise
it is in this time I came to analyze, and visualize my next sacrifice
I plan to live forever in this paradise

What is peace to an artist if we feel emotions the hardest
The most beautiful work comes from broken homes and heartache
I could elaborate in happiness but my happiness isn’t peaceful
Is intoxicating, exhilarating,
And my sadness is devastating
To feel wrecking frustration
and world building indignation
Peace could be defined as internal war’s cessation
So to think of peace in a lovers heart somewhat feels like limitation.
So the answer to this question,
without prompting an intention;
Is that I’ve learned to find peace in the chaos’ reputation.