Lil Bro,

I constantly think of you and apologize. I don’t feel liable; I just don’t know how to accept my lack of knowledge. ‘I’m sorry,’ my heart whispers, ‘because I never realized there would be a day when you weren’t here.’

Your birthday passed last month. Someone signed their name on a document at work and scribbled your birthday on the next line, just a date in June. But I heard your childhood voice in my head repeating the date with pride. It was your very own special day. I could hear the way you stress the long ‘u’ sound in our AAE dialect from home. The memory shattered any composure I had left.

My sobs were silent but insuppressible. I sat at my desk as tears rushed over my face. I didn’t want attention, but I’m sure my manager noticed me wiping my eyes continuously.

I always thought I would share this time with you, optimistically wrestling to become the adults we always wanted to be. I thought we would gossip and laugh over the years. I thought we would grow and learn from each other. I was an adult when you left, but losing you makes me feel as feeble and naive as a child. I never understood that your illness could be fatal. I never thought the procedure could be dangerous. I never imagined my life without knowing you. But here we are, and all three of those things are unrelentingly real. ‘I miss you. I’ve needed you all this time.’

As I looked at the document, it was unbelievable to me that you would have turned 29 years old that day. It had been seven years without you, and a part of me loathed that so much time had passed. It reminded me of all the changes since you’ve gone. How can so much have changed when it feels like just yesterday that you were here?

How do I forgive myself for my oblivious nescience all our lives? Why didn’t I realize the depth of your suffering? Why couldn’t you make it clearer to me? Why didn’t I have the words or the vocabulary to verbalize your experience? Why didn’t my mother explain what was going on with my brother? Why couldn’t I fully sympathize? ‘I’m sorry,’ my soul screams.

There’s a young guy who works with me at my job. He’s not a lot like you, but in ways, he reminds me of you and Bee when we were kids. He doesn’t always understand me when I mumble in our dialect, but we use AAE and it feels like home.

He’s not bothersome like you were toward me, but I know you annoyed me because I was your big sister. I was yours, and my attention belonged to you. He would also never be as insulting as you. In the moment your insults are insufferable, but now it’s something I miss the most. You would always come to our defense if anyone ever put us down. He’s not moody like you used to be from time to time. You and I share a certain level of disdain for obnoxious social interactions. But now I wonder if some of your moods were because of your pain…

Of course, my coworker is not you, but he makes me think of you every day. He listens to the music you’d like to hear, and he likes some clothes you’d probably wear.

He also looks at me the way you and Bee do when I do something cool, like the smartest big sister in the world.

I’m the nerdy one, the studious sister. I’m blind sometimes to the things you’re engrossed in. But you and Bee look up to me. You’re proud of me for getting good grades and graduating college. You’re proud of me for traveling the world and learning new languages. You’d probably commend me today if you saw the program I built in Excel for work using complex formulas and macro automation. My coworker loves it.

I wish you were here to see it too, to visit me and see the city, to listen to my goals and dreams. And I would encourage you in yours.

But even if you’re not here, I will live with all my heart like you are. I won’t only be the sister you needed, but I will be a sister to anyone who needs it.

We were together from the beginning, and you always believed in me. You were my first fan. You never judged me or wanted me to change. You always welcomed me with a hug and a smile. To anyone in my life, I will encourage, support, and strengthen them like a true sister should. Thank you for being my childhood little brother.

Dear Niece,

A mother’s gain, an aunt’s loss is what I experienced having you in my life and losing you. You became my third but oldest child. Having you in my household was so fulfilling to my soul. To see you smile and the gloom and fear in your eyes disappear was everything. I could feel the burden of your spirit lift off you, as I consumed it and carried it. I wanted to fulfill your desires to live with me permanently but I had been denied the opportunity. The sadness and depression I had when taking you home after the summer you spent with me, had not even scratched the surface of the pain I felt, losing you forever. Your passing taught me how to call on Jesus and TRUST in GOD when I have nothing left inside of me to grasp, to survive. To stay sane, I have accredited so many things to you in your passing as positive changes in my life.

Your organ donations impacted the lives of 6 people; which inspired me to make a difference in this world. Your one body gave way to 6 lives, to live and not die, to be able to be healthy or healed. You leaving at the tender age of 14 taught me TO LIVE NOW, because life had ended for you before it even truly began. So, two months after your passing I officially moved to the Coast. It was a profound moment because I had told you on our visit here, that I would bring you with me if I ever moved. Well baby I didn’t get to bring you physically but I have you in my heart, I have your school artwork hung up in my home, and the flower I was given at your funeral is still living, that gives me joy.

I wonder where you’d be and what you’d be doing, often I answer, “She would be doing EVERYTHING!” that inspires me to continue to keep pushing, keep fulfilling my dreams, take in the moment, and never take life for granted; never think there is always time because the loss of you taught me time is truly of the essence. I can feel your presence at times and I pray that you are proud that I chose to give it to God, the anger, the hurt, the guilt, the grief, and all that surrounded taking that loss not from the natural but by the hands of a 15-year-old. Life hadn’t prepared me beforehand but yet on the spot to FORGIVE QUICKLY! Hatred can destroy the good in people and I knew the good in you would have prevailed. It was too painful to process a child I love, taking the life of a child I love but that taught me how to GIVE IT TO GOD, vengeance is not mine. Love conquers a multitude of things and the love you gave me, I shared it in the moments that needed mending.

Even in loving your mom through it all and until the end, I discovered the true meaning of God’s grace and mercy and how sufficient it truly is. So thank you my sweet niece for teaching me about life within your short life. Your memories and everything I can imagine you would have become, I will become because you were simply amazing. Your mom told me after you passed, that you once told her, “She’s not my cousin, my aunt but MY MOM” and that if she would take your clothes to my house and place them on the porch, I’d know you were coming home. I wish that could be so but God needed you back. But, no matter the distance, from Earth to the highest Heaven, your spirit will always be home within my soul.

n the forest of memory,
where time weaves its tapestry,
A sapling once stood—its roots seeking eternity.
Its leaves whispered secrets to the wind,
a fragile plea,
As it stretched toward the sun, yearning to be free.

Life’s storms battered its tender bark,
yet it stood firm,
Each scar a testament to resilience,
a lesson learned.

In the quiet dark of night,
Across a lonely track,
Shadows stretch like memories,
and the moon scowls back.
My heart, a heavy burden,
Carrying the weight of loss,

weeping willow,
there’s much to be erased,
but who am i to cry,
when i’ve never felt your skin,
i’ve never seen your face

I’m a big guy,
But his hand swallowed mine whole
As he greeted me when we first met.
I would end up marrying his little sister.
As an only child,
I was thrilled to be part of a larger family,
Even if one of my brothers-in-law
Could crush me like a grape.
He was a mountain of a man
With a booming voice
And a hearty laugh.
A gentle giant living alone.
Never married.
Never dated much.
He certainly had friends,
But his family knew he wanted more.
A special someone
To ease his loneliness.
Not that I’m all that special,
But I should have done more with him,
As family and a friend.
Correction, anything with him.
I never reached out.
We were close to the same age.
I am sure we could have found common ground.
As I ruminate to the point of distraction,
My wife throws me a lifeline.
She mentions my career, children, friends, hobbies.
Although I had no time for her brother,
She suggests I wasn’t a bad guy.
Just busy.
She’s so sweet.
I’m fortunate she loves me.
I pretend to buy her argument
And return to my rumination.
When he got sick,
I finally did reach out
And took him to some of his appointments.
The doctors gave him time,
But they couldn’t give him health.
And then, poof!
He was gone.
Just like that,
Never to return.
Like a bad magic trick where the playing card,
Torn to pieces by the magician,
Never reappears whole again.
My brother-in-law left behind
Memories I consider incomplete,
For they should be more abundant and eventful.
Like the time we should have gone bowling,
Or to the movies,
Or just hung out together.
I’m grateful he left me something.
A lesson.
To reach out.
To connect.
To make memories.
To be a better friend.

I’m suddenly aware of frigid air;
A chill to my very core.
It’s only been a few months,
I miss you mom.
This is a cold I’ve never felt before,
Rising up behind me-
…. the air is compelling.
It shines, the air is in my sight.

Aunt Lisa, you taught me-
To see differently, to be different.
You two showed me the beauty of I…
Grandma, two decades since you were here.
I can feel your smile and smell Gardenia.
In your bed mom,
time itself stopped.
I cannot sit here much longer.
I scrub the bathtub,
I’ve always hated wet hair.
Yet I saw an orange strand or two,
I set them aside,
As the unfamiliar air continued to rise.
Rise above expectations-
Rise above the concept of perfection.
This air is so refreshing,
Cold breeze in a hot and muggy night.
I can feel the support,
A love more than unconditional.
Unbreakable, unshakeable.
An unfamiliar & unwavering support.
Personal- I feel the tears
They fall as I write,
So, as long as there’s fresh air,
I will continue to rise.

Mom, it’s been seventy days,
Since you took yourself away.
I feel my lost idols,
In my heart and around my neck.
Heaven sent pearls-
Of beauty and wisdom adorn me.
I watch the irredescent bubbles,
The heat of the water,
Contrast of cold air.
Mom I’ll honor your words,
I shan’t give into despair.

– Hillary Rosenthal

Are we filled with mourning, filled with grief
When branches release their last brown leaf
Are we filled with anguish, filled with woe
When the sun melts the last cindered snow

Seasons are a blended transition
“One day”s coming into fruition
And so is this life into the next
Letting go, while clutching to our chest
Like a dainty rose held too tightly
Watching the soft petals fall lightly
What we know, clouded by what we feel
So why does this goodbye seem so real

Are we filled with mourning, filled with grief
When the branches bud their first green leaf
Are we filled with anguish, filled with woe
When the sun brings songs of the sparrow

This is not the end, but your rebirth
Disappearing seed into the earth
Promised beauty after the stillness
Remaining joy despite the illness
We pull you close as we let you go
Goodnight kiss and, “See you tomorrow”
What we know, clouded by what we feel
So why do goodbyes feel so real

As I took a trip down memory lane
I thought I’d write you a letter
It’s a letter in your memory
One I’ll carry with me forever

It was Valentine’s Day 2011
The story of your new life begins
I wandered through the shelter aisles
I was looking for a special friend

Several people passed you by
And at first, I did too
But you wouldn’t stop crying in your cage
Begging me to pick you

I remember your big hazel eyes
And your gigantic ears
And the big red bow tied around your neck
And how your face was stained with tears

I knew from that moment you were the one
And you were the one every day after
You were sick and you were scared
But you still managed to bring me laughter

Those few years went by so fast
They were almost a blur to me
We went to the park, you learned new tricks
And sometimes you struggled to breathe

Your heart slowly began to give way
But you still put up a fight
Every moment was a precious gift
During your final year of life

But the time had come, you could fight no more
I tried everything to keep you alive
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done
But I had to say goodbye

An empty basket sat in the car beside me
The night I left the vet’s
I only had your collar in my hand
And I came home to your empty bed

I miss you every day of my life
But there are days I miss you more
You were my very first baby boy
The one I loved and adored

But you are not suffering anymore
You are running wild and free
Over the rainbow bridge
And watching over me

Okay, maybe you’re not really watching me
It’s just my silly dreams
I’ve been holding onto your memory
Since September 2019

You looked back for a moment
It was time for you to fly
Over the rainbow bridge
Our final goodbye

You could’ve been anyone’s dog
But I’m so glad that you were mine
I’ll miss you forever
My Valentine

Yes, I’ll miss you forever
Eight years just wasn’t enough time

Dear Grandma Moore,

It is hard to believe you have been gone since 2013! It feels like it was yesterday
as the words of my poetry echoed over your ashes in Kansas. I cried many tears reading my speech at your celebration of life at my parent’s church, I felt such a hole in my heart longing for more time. When I was asked to write a letter to the person who was gone that I admired most it wasn’t a hard task at all! Grandma Moore, you always taught me so much. Most importantly you were always there for me and everyone else. I admired how you listened, your encouraging words, compassion, and smile that made anyone feel at ease. You loved being a grandma, especially spoiling your grandchildren (most of all with your time and great cooking). As a child there are so many memories of when we stayed at your house, went out to eat, shopped a little, told stories, played at the park, and played board games. Our family gathered at your house for football games during the football season. It was an exciting time with cousins there as well. No grandmother could yell at the tv as loud as you grandma when those Redskins were not playing well! I loved listening to stories of my grandfather who I had never met. Even though he died before I was born I felt like I knew him anyway. It is probably the way you lit up when you talked about him! You said that he would always be your only true love. I remember being so inspired by how you lived by yourself all those years and went to work after losing your husband: naturally falling into the independent fierce woman role! Grandma, you could put a beautiful vase of flowers together. The magic poured out of those fingertips. You loved working at the flower shop. You taught me that faith is important as well as your church community. You always helped out church members, taking them to get groceries or to eat. Your heart was as pure as they come! You were a wife, amazing mom, grandma, and friend. It showed in everything you did that family came first. As I became an adult and had a family of my own; I tried to live by many of your core values. My dad is a lot like you! Family, church, and friends are his biggest priorities as well. So thank you for teaching my dad what’s important, inspiring everyone around you as they watched how you lived your life and all the lives you touched! Sending my thoughts up to heaven with love!

Love,
Your biggest fan

Lyndsey

Dear Daughter,
The day I lost you what is one of the hardest days I’ve experienced in this lifetime. I felt a piece of my soul guy that goes. My first baby and my first real loss.
When people try to console me are making me feel better angered me because they said the stupidest things.
“Maybe she wasn’t meant to be here.“ “Maybe God knew you couldn’t handle two babies; focus on one.”
Those Hurt the worst.
They were trying to cheer me up, but those words hardened My heart. How could they be so heartless?
For the time you were here you were meant to be. You were meant to experience love for 12 days now it’s been 13 years since you’ve been gone my love for you has only grown in that time. People may have forgotten, but I haven’t. I haven’t forgotten how awesome you were sometimes I catch a glimpse of who you are through your sister. The first time I got to hold in touch you was the day that you died. It felt so good to Hold you. The night the hospital called to tell me you were ready to leave the Earth, I felt I wanted to go with you. I am grateful you stayed long enough for me to say goodbye when I got to hold you, You were so warm And I felt so much love and also your labored breathing.
As you took your last breath, I begged for you to stay. To my surprise, you open your eyes, just enough for me to see their beauty and smiled at me. Then you weren’t breathing anymore. That image of you smiling in my arms is the greatest gift ever given to me. It stayed on your face, even after You went to God. Thank you for letting me be your mom. It was an honor and privilege. I will always cherish it and the memories of you. Do you remember our favorite book? I Quote the best parts each time I think of you to relieve the loneliness.
Keep shining in heaven until we meet again. I love you. Thank you for visiting My dreams letting me know you are happy. I love that for you. I will carry you in my heart always and continue to be my best self that Your existence encouraged me to be.
Love mommy

In Memory’s Embrace

When I was but a tender age of eight,
A shadow cloaked my world in sudden night,
My father’s love, a beacon strong and great,
Extinguished, leaving echoes of his light.

His memory, a whisper in my ear,
A guiding star through life’s uncharted seas,
Yet losing him was pain so sharp, so near,
A wound that time would never fully ease.

I longed to join him, time and time again,
To close my eyes and feel his warm embrace,
But life went on, with joy and grief and pain,
And I, alone, continued in this race.

Through darkened days, through trials hard and foul,
I faced a world that often seemed unjust,
Assaulted by the shadows, feeling small,
Yet in my heart, his wisdom was my trust.

I’d sit and play his favorite songs, just so,
To feel his presence, close and real once more,
Afraid that as the years would ebb and flow,
His face, his voice, would fade and be no more.

But age has brought a clarity, a grace,
His lessons etched in every act I take,
He taught me cooking’s magic and its place,
A way to heal, to love, to mend, to make.

In every dish, I feel his gentle hand,
In every meal, his spirit comes alive,
Through every challenge, firm I take my stand,
For from his strength, my own resolve derives.

Independent, strong, and full of fire,
He taught me skills to navigate life’s sea,
To channel hurt into a heart’s desire,
To find my peace, my joy, my destiny.

Though gone, he lives within my every breath,
A memory that time cannot erase,
In kitchen’s warmth, I honor him in death,
His love, his life, my everlasting grace.