Dear me, thank you.

I remember when you were starting school in third grade; transitioning from being home-schooled to public school, the same year that you bawled your eyes out because the doctor said needed eyeglasses. I mean, once you realized you were allowed to pick out your own frames, your tears cleared right up and those round, dark pink frames quickly became yours! Being excited about the new element added to your style, Dad didn’t have a hard time convincing you to get a super short haircut…but don’t worry, you never, ever did that again! However, I do admire the confidence that you had going into that school- knowing you didn’t have any familiar faces in class, but still having no problem being your authentic, weird self. I’m proud to say we do have that confidence today, but that unfortunately we did lose it a bit in-between.

Getting through middle school wasn’t bad. You did well in school and you got along with your classmates, but what you lived for was hanging out with your best friends back at the apartments that you grew up in your whole life. Having friends in the apartment complex made it easy to say that home was such a fun place to be, even though deep down you knew that inside that two-bedroom apartment, any happiness was gone after 6pm. You were lucky in a way, it’s not like your parents were leaving you with random sitters while they went out to the bars like your neighbor friends dealt with, instead your parents would just drink at home, and you had to be witness. Your parents seemed to care more than the other parents because they were always helicoptering around and trying to keep you safe, but that started to bother you more and more as you grew older.

When it was time for high school you started to feel suffocated. When you observed the younger neighbor friends having more freedom than you, it felt unfair! They could take their bikes to the store down the street before you could, and they’d all talk about their Facebook accounts while your parents were telling you that you couldn’t have one for another few years. The anger inside only grew as you finally got more freedom, because that only came with constant texts and calls asking for pictures to prove where you were. You weren’t out doing drugs or partying, you had good grades, but you were treated as if you were not trust-worthy or responsible. It didn’t help that your parents’ anxiety of the world worsened, as well as their anger towards each other. At home, you unfortunately had to hear all of it, and it had more of an effect on you than you knew.

As you overheard the loud, explicit sluts being spat back and forth, your body was coregulating with their anger and angst. As you overheard horrific truths of family pasts, your brain processed these things in an unhealthy, self-limiting way. As you started to join in on arguments trying to mediate or defend, you fed into your already developed control issues. There is a reason that psychologists tell parents not to involve their children in adult issues. This was in no way your fault, but when you finally were able to escape, you quickly learned that it was your responsibility. Although it feels easy to blame your parents for your anxiety and depression, it feels so much better once you realized that they were doing the best they could with what they knew, and it feels even better when you realized that you were the one in control of your life.

You escaped your parents’ home at age 19 and moved into an apartment with your high school sweetheart. Even though you had never had a boyfriend throughout high school, when you saw him come into your class junior year and you got that feeling that you had to talk to him…you were right to go with your gut. This man has been such a blessing throughout your life, even though at times you didn’t treat him that way. There were times where your anxiety got the best of you, your anger issues were not managed well, and you felt completely out of control. There were times where you found yourself in panic attacks, crying so hard to the point of headaches, but you made it through, and he was there the whole time. He was so patient with you, and although there were rough times during the relationship, he never left your side. Even though you thought you were such a burden and terrible person to be around, he never saw you like that-he saw you for you.

You had a hard time accepting this love for many reasons, but the main one being that you did not love yourself. Your brain absorbed Dad’s constant comments like “You dumba**” or “Stupid b**ch,” even though those were never true. You took on blame and guilt for things that didn’t even involve you, and it aided in the self-loathing patterns. I won’t sit here and say that at age 27 you’re completely healed of all traumas and you float through life with no problems; you still have triggers and definitely some control issues, but you are healing every day. After years of trying different medications and therapists, you’re feeling regulated without prescription drugs, you have a therapist you love, and you are finally feeling like that confident, curly-headed eight-year-old girl with glasses strolling into her first year of public school. Looking at you, I see that you always confidently knew yourself, and you trusted your gut. You tried to stay out of the way of chaos and remain in your own peaceful world, and that is something we still practice today. As I continue to heal my nervous system and work on self-love, I have realized that I truly can trust my gut feelings; and for that, I thank you.

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Hello younger Donna! I know this sounds crazy, but I am you from the future. I am 21- year-old you to be exact. No, we don’t have flying cars, or talking houses. We do, however, have self-driving cars and robot dogs.

I believe that you are 13 now, and are getting ready to go into the 8th grade. I know you are excited because you just went to Disney World, you are on the cheer team, and you are expecting another little sister; but I am going to give you some advice for this school year and the years to come. 8th grade is going to be the hardest year of your life. Not only will your classes get harder, but you are going to learn some hard life lessons, but a good thing to remember is this year is going to make you stronger.

You will learn many new things this year that are hard to understand, like how the people that are closest to you will most often be the ones that hurt you the most. You will lose many friends and family members this year. Some chose to leave you, and some had to leave you; although you may not always know the reason why. Keep in mind that everything happens for a reason.

On Thanksgiving, towards the end of your family’s Thanksgiving celebration, something scary will happen. Your sister will be born 10 weeks early, at 1 AM Friday morning. She will be the smallest, cutest baby you have ever seen. She will have to spend 6 weeks in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Your parents will finally be able to bring her home in early January. You will have 2 weeks with her before the unexpected happens. Just know that when this happens it is not your fault, and there was nothing that you could have done, it was just her time to go.

The next few months are going to be the hardest for you. Some people that you are close to are going to leave you. Just remember they did not mean to hurt you, and to be your forgiving self and don’t hold a grudge. You will later find out that you are expecting another little sister, and she will be one of the best things to ever happen to you. Your life will start to turn around for the better.

I also remember you wanted to go to the same college mom did, and start working at the Veterans Affairs (VA) hospital. I don’t want to give too much away, but I will say that not everything will work out the way that you planned it to, but it will work out the way that you need it to. You will end up doing something that you never thought you would do, and you fall in love with it. You still help the sick and injured veterans and their families who served, you will just be serving alongside some of them. You will make not only yourself, but those around you proud, because you will achieve some really hard accomplishments.

Your goals in life will change, as you grow in your career. You will want to do things that you never would have thought of. Yes, these goals are going to be hard to reach, but I know that you can do it if you really put your mind to it. As I finish off this letter I will leave you with a few words of advice. Remember to always be yourself, and stay true to who you are. Always forgive people for their mistakes, and never hold a grudge.

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Sincerely,

Dear Lindsey,
Life started off rough! And it will get a lot harder if you don’t follow this list. (You know how much we love lists!)
1. Remain unapologetic with who you are and what you like! (This is critical: many people will try to tell you what’s best for you, meanwhile, most of them cannot even tell you who they are.)
2. Your body is not the first thing you sell when you choose to embark on entrepreneurship. (Actually, don’t ever sell any of your body parts. Mentally and emotionally it is going to set you back like 15 years…..ugh)
3. Learn to love money. Not the paper itself, rather all of the cool stuff we can do with it. Travel, eat great food, buy great gifts, a beautiful home, help the less fortunate, and buy great clothes for you and your beautiful family.
4. Your parents and elders were not taught to heal themselves. Continue to show them compassion, without judgement.
5. Never tone it down. People won’t like you all the time, but as long as we can look ourselves in the mirror every night and feel good, that is all that counts.
6. Don’t judge yourself for the mistakes you make. (Players f*** up!)
7. The way other people treat you is not a reflection of you. The way you choose to respond is.
8. Love is forever your greatest asset. It won’t always feel like it but there will come a time when you’ll take pride in being the most loving person you know.
9. Never stop helping people. You’re doing the work that many people run from.
10. Dance!!! Twerk, jump, scrub the ground, be dramatic. This is the only exercise we like.
11. Never smoke, drink, or do drugs. It makes your breath stink and gives you wrinkles. (Plus, not to mention these things will kill so many people that you love.)
12. Your feelings always matter. If no one listens to them, remember that there is something so much more powerful, that is listening, and you will get everything you could have dreamed of.
This last one is the most important of all. If you don’t follow this one, it will cost you your life. Well obviously not, but you will lose your mind. Then you’ll have to spend an entire year in therapy, talking to a lot of different therapists because you are not easy to please.
Lucky number 13: Stay Alive! At all costs. Never give up on you because no one else has. The world is waiting for you to show them how to do it.

I hope this helps. You know what to do with it. Trust yourself and if you ever get lost, its fine. You will always find your way back.

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With Love,

It is all okay
No matter what you or anybody says, no matter what happens
No matter if you belong to that group or that club or have that job
Or stay married to that man or woman even
It is all okay

Consider the lilies in the field, they neither toil nor slumber and God takes care of them

And tomorrow will take care of itself, just take care of today

For all your life, each day will be starting over
Each day will be a new opportunity to be alive and to be happy and joyful
That is your contribution
That is what the world needs
That is what you will always need

Do your meditation
Go meet Thich Nhat Hanh  (pronounced tick not hon)
Do your exercise
Go find teachers and trainers
Ask questions
Don’t know the answers
Keep asking

Warning against getting your feelings hurt and feeling useless and depressed
That is why the meditation and prayer, and Bible and exercise is so important

You were gifted with incredible parents
Use that gift every day
Be aware of it
Not everybody had that gift
It is yours and cannot be taken away

And you can give from that deep reservoir

Sense of humor
The Tattooed lady Song
The lasagna and and garlic baguette
How to hammer a nail and grow a rose bush
How to be a moderate drinker
How to weigh the same thing all your life
Water skiing
And snow skiing
Cooking and entertaining

Tracking things
Having goals and projects and lists
Part 2
Your younger self could be in a war, or hurricane or flood,
Even then, these lessons of being present apply
Even when your brother dies at 20 in a car accident and your father said a prayer of thanksgiving
And your grandson doesn’t want to go on
And your sweetheart just criticizes and ultimately leaves and your brother teases
And you gain so much weight
Still haven’t learned Spanish
And your attic or basement or garage may be full
Just stand up and be and contribute your best loving self for the war and turn your other cheek to
your sweetheart and brother
They love you
They are where they are
You have infinite wisdom that life is a joy and we are forever learning
Tell your children and grandchildren and friends how proud you are of them and that you love
them. In law children too

And expect nothing in return, no credit, even being ignored is fine
Be a space for healing and wonder and nobody knows what hit them but they are all good or as
the grans say
All good bro
Have a meditation and writing practice
And follow the one day at a time rule
And keep it simple and easy
It is amazing to be a human being
And there are so many versions to observe, learn from and write about
Everybody is your teacher, especially the ones who are hard for you
So no shortage there

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Much love-