A Girl with a Watering Can by Pierre-Auguste Renoir is the most vivid of my childhood memories. Mounted on the living room wall, I would lie on the floor and stare intently at the blond-haired, blue-eyed girl attired in my favorite hue and transport myself to that ethereal garden. I longed to be standing amid the colors of our creator, engaging in the tranquil scene where life seemed simple. A watering can and flowers, listening to the birds sing where monsters didn’t roam.  
The delicate balance of staying present but sending my thoughts to wander where I’m not that little girl whose innocence was lost.  I belonged there, standing with confidence that I was protected from seeing the world with ghosts that forever linger in my memories.  The scene calmed my desire to disappear as a teen when I opened the door and welcomed yet another attack on my young body.  If I closed my eyes tight enough, I could smell the fresh scent of spring and breathe out the marred reflection of my battered soul.  
Were the angels crying when they saw the destruction of my once fearless spirit?  My heart drops when my mind retraces the hours spent secluded in unwanted noise.  The endless nightmares that interrupt my slumber and consume the midnight hours with fear, the flashbacks and panic that attack without warning. 
One moment can alter the trajectory of one’s destination in life.  For me, this moment lifted the fog I had been existing in for more than three decades. The veil came off. One person’s presence in my life, though they may not have realized it, was a turning point that awakened me to my value and deservingness of a more fulfilling existence.  My angel on earth who reminded me of my worth. Conversation without judgment, presence without pretense, and love without condition became the key that had been lost and could now open the lock to restore what had been hidden.  The revelations that came with that were eye-opening. The beginning of everything that was buried. Years of collecting dust brought me to this uncomfortable yet necessary pivotal moment in my life. 
The murmurs of the pale blue corolla, only outdone by the fragrance of the perfume scenting my space bring me back to childhood days where time spent outdoors felt carefree and unburdened. The pretty blooms greeted me as I headed outside to spend the day. Though the blooms only last a short while, the timing is magnificent. A tender beginning into longer days, brilliant sunshine, and joyous memories. Beauty enters at a time when everything else has yet to shine. The hope that all would be right in time.
Hope. Peace. Joy. Love. These are the words I want to live. I want to remove the words that bring no purpose. Discard any that brings pain and grief. Concentrate on one at a time but knowing that one will lead to two and so on.
However, before I could get there, I had to heal myself. I must love myself and I’m not sure if I ever had. I always thought that I did but it’s become obvious that if it had once been true, it ceased to be at some point along the way. Maybe it was a little at a time and I just took no notice. It’s possible I never quite knew how to love myself and thinking that it was selfish of me to do that. I’ve always felt guilt where guilt didn’t belong. I couldn’t see how loving yourself manifests into a better life not only for me but also allows healthy and safe relationships for those who enter our lives along the way. I was always great at taking care of my body, but I lacked in the area of my head and my heart. I never felt I had earned it. The hard part was believing I deserved it and holding fast to that commitment. Maybe it needs to be read: Love. Hope. Peace. Joy. Love. The first love is for me and then the healing is followed by the rest.
It’s in our nature to take pictures of only the good times to reminisce about.  Those moments of our lives that were captured on film, the celebrations, the birth of children, family get-togethers.  Mostly happy, joyous occasions that showed those in attendance with brilliant smiles or immersed in laughter that more often than not included a few tears from the sidesplitting cachinnations.  Brief seconds where expressions of love or contentment were captured to look back and hold onto that feeling.  I found very few solemn times captured that would dampen our moods.  I did find a few though.  A smile was missing or there were tears in my eyes.  If only I could go back and hug that girl and tell her she is loved.  
The hesitation to love my body completely has always been greater than the acceptance. To truly appreciate what God has given me. I had only seen the imperfections, the scars. Those on the surface and others hidden inside. This body, the one that holds the best parts of me, my mind, heart, and soul is worthy of praise. It’s traveled with me on quite a journey and deserves respect and admiration. The thought has crossed my mind that I’ve never realized the magnitude of all it has done for me.
The vault that holds my memories, the enchanting moments sprinkled throughout the years. The key to opening all that is my imagination and the sparks that have taken flight from it. The wounds that have been mended, though many carry the secrets better left unsaid. The ability to heal and endure is magical on its own. The miracles of life that were created and brought into this life are joyous accomplishments. The arms that cradled the tiny beings to the breasts that nourished their bodies are elements of love and nurture. They were conceived and survived within this flesh. To be in awe of the wonder of motherhood. The strength to continue each day no matter what obstacles are placed in its path.
This canvas of flesh has persevered and shown unyielding resolve with each confrontation or denial of self-love. This impermanent model God felt worthy enough to mold is incredible. A symbol of bravery, strength, and beauty deserving of garnering unwavering attention and affection. The time has come to cast the shadows aside and nurture my mind, speak kindly to my heart, and whisper to my soul that I am worth every beautiful opportunity and acknowledgment I am given. I am still here breathing and healing. I was never broken. I just needed to bloom.
 I sit and watch the sunrise on a beautiful day.  It’s spectacular. Seasons change as life does. The cool crisp air awakens my senses and fills my lungs with the scent of renewal.  I find solace in nature’s cyclical rhythm.  The leaves, like memories, rustle, and fall, making way for the promise of spring.  Today’s beauty is eternal, unfettered by the limitations of human life. The sun’s warm touch ignites a sense of gratitude within me.  Each breath is a gift.  Each moment is a treasure.  The seasons have taught me to cherish each moment.  To find beauty in decay and rebirth.  In this fleeting dawn, I feel alive.  The world awakens, vibrant and pulsing.  
 Birds sing their morning hymns, as God’s creatures begin to stir.  I seek simplicity, a sunrise, a breeze, a loved one’s touch.  Life’s complexities fall away, leaving only room for love.  As Autumn’s palette paints the sky, I am reminded:  that every ending marks a new beginning. And in this acceptance, I find peace.  Time, once a linear path, now unfolds like a lotus.  Petals of memory unfurl, releasing the fragrance of the possibility of a better future. Today’s radiance assures me every moment is a masterpiece.

The anticipation of a conversation
a moment’s pause, a heart’s sensation
An expectation of words unsaid
A binding connection, a delicate thread

The fabric was woven, the story was told
a legacy kept, forever to hold
A journey of words, a longing to know became a tapestry rich, a narrative to grow

The art of conversation, a gentle guide
leading me through the labyrinth of time
To listen to memories, a heart’s treasure a mind’s archive, a soul’s measure

All that you were and the joy you spread became part of me, of who I am
Reflections of my younger days your voice, your presence, your beautiful face

Our memories, an album of distant times
keeps the joy of better days alive
Reluctant to embark on unknown paths
comfort comes from waves of our past

Your existence upon which I became
was a guide, a light, so much more than name
The courage you showed throughout your life
echoes deep within the depths of my mind

In that stillness, I found my voice
A sense of clarity, a heartfelt choice
The silence beckoned, I found my way
to a place of peace, where love will stay

Streaks of gold sift through the slits of wood as I wake to feel the warmth caress my face.

Lips brushing against my forehead with silken kisses gently encouraging me to open my eyes.

A quiet conversation while slowly sipping cinnamon tea. I feel the heat in the curve of my hand as it transfers from my favorite ceramic mug.

Bringing me peace as I embrace the tranquility of the moment. The aroma enveloping my senses and perfuming the room.

I casually let my fingers slide over my wardrobe as I create my ensemble for the day.

The beauty of feeling unhurried and able to relish in the pleasure of selecting garments showcasing my individuality.

I fold my body into my girl, a brilliant blue Jeep, made naked as to relish the scents of spring and the whispers of the wind.

The destination not the priority. A leisurely excursion to escape the restlessness.

Taking in the warm breeze on a sunny afternoon. The radio playing my favorite songs, bringing back memories of times past.

The path followed as I sail through the countryside leaving thoughts of my younger years and dreams left along the way.

Stopping midday at a favorite cafe to indulge in a meal with my closest friend.

The conversation bringing joy to my soul as we talk lightly and laugh loudly without reservation.

Smiling as I head back home with the hours on the backside of the day. Time moving slowly and shadows appearing as the miles drift by.

I lace my shoes and head out into nature to indulge in the solitude of running alone. This too invoking feelings of pure satisfaction.

Allowing for silent meditation and a chance to release the burdens held within. The one true moment of peace as I feel the calmness radiating throughout my body.

As day cascades into night I welcome the quiet of the evening with the one I hold dear.

Welcomed home with a sweet embrace. The beauty of detailing our day in an encouraging exchange.

The sun slowly fading and capturing the last remnants of this beautiful moment in time.

I climb into the comfort of our bed with the arms of my beloved pulling me near.

I drift off knowing I wouldn’t change a thing. Time stands still as I recall the perfect day.

Darling,

It’s been way too long. Where do I even start? I’ve been waiting for the right time to send this and realized I should have sent it when I saw you fighting your way through a storm. Please forgive me for taking so long to connect. I may have been silent but you have always been on my mind.

I am so sorry you were put in a position where your confidence was whittled away until you were left with only the shards remaining of your once fearless spirit. I’m amazed by your strength and resiliency though. Your determination to get back to that place where self-assurance radiates from deep within is impressive. I love that although your journey has been anything but easy, you are finding the beauty in uncovering the person that had slipped away. You are discovering new ways every day to mend your wounded soul. I promise to be there for you to steady you through all of the maelstroms and to show you how deserving you are of a life overflowing with love and joy.

Exquisite woman, take this moment in. You put yourself in a box with no openings for far too long. You thought you were lost forever. Buried so long, it seemed impossible that you would ever be uncovered. Years of torment that only you can describe. The seed was planted long ago but the clouds overshadowed when the verbal assaults aimed at you started to invade your thoughts as you tried to determine if the words rang true. The rain dried up when your body became a battlefield for the anger and intolerance. You weren’t given the opportunity to grow the way you deserved but you have shown your strength. The sky has opened and the sun is peeking through.

You have taken the shattered pieces of your soul and crafted them into a mosaic of learned lessons, new discoveries and recovered blessings. I hope you see all the incredible qualities that we do. Your gentle spirit, your kindness that has no limits as well as your ability to see the good in all. You have managed a career and a household and through it all you have kept your sense of humor. The care and nurturing you have shown your three wonderful sons has well-prepared them to go out and tackle the world. You are brave, strong and intelligent. You are beautiful inside and out. You are enough and have always been enough. Your uniqueness and your confidence in embracing it stands out. My heart smiles when I think of you! I hope you know how valuable and cherished you are. I want you to feel peace like you have never felt before. My wish for you is to emerge from the chaos feeling more courageous, happier and deserving of the greatest kind of love.

The next time you look at your reflection in the mirror and you are trying to determine what to prioritize next, I hope that you look at that gorgeous girl with the beautiful smile and say pick me and you do. Remember your worth. There is something inside you that is greater than any battle you encounter. Keep breathing new life into every day and shine on. Hold on to those dreams. Your wild imagination will help you take flight and soar to heights you thought impossible. I can’t wait to stand with you as you step into a marvelous future and a life filled with happiness.

Love Always,

The Girl Inside

P.S. Keep going, you are doing amazing!