Lets begin with Thank You
I thank you for letting me be free
Thank you for loving me
Oh what i would do without you
There would be no me without you
Thank you for letting me express
Thank you letting me me cry
Thank you for letting me jump around & dance
Thank you for finally standing up for yourself
Thank you for allowing me to receive love
Thank you for letting me show love
Thank you for not disregarding my feelings
Thank you for caring for me
Thank you for peace
Thank you for kindness
Thank you for smiling
Thank you for me
As i enjoy the breeze in the air
And Smile immensely in the now
I thank you for all you’ve done

Thank you for not giving up when everything was trying to tear you down
You fight unspoken battles every day
I’m so proud of you for not letting it become your new face
You are still finding your place

Thank you for searching for the smallest glimmer of hope to keep yourself around
You have learned to love what is often overlooked
Doing everything you can to find a more positive outlook

Thank you for being the light in others’ lives when you often struggle to be a spark in your own
You thrive when creating their sunshine
You’ll find yours in time

Thank you for focusing on your inner peace when it would be much easier to let your demons roam
How uncomplicated would it be to give in to the chaos
Let your soul turn to stone as your golden heart is squashed
But that wouldn’t be you
You are the gentle sound of an old record being played on a Sunday afternoon
Brightening someone’s day in such a simple way

I’m grateful that you’ve never let your warm heart turn cold
No matter what challenges unfold
In the darkest of skies, you are the moon
Always giving away your light hoping to help anyone who is feeling gloom

It’s in here somewhere, shaking, out of sight—
this gratitude I keep alive for me
that’s terrified by recognition’s light.

See!

It cowers, there. Don’t get too close; it bites,
a mangy mix of actuality
surviving off mere scraps of sacrifice,
resilience, sense, and stale tenacity.

My family gets first dibs on hearty foods.

I feed their inner praise with love-steeped roe,
exotic sprigs of righteousness in bloom,
and loaves of patience-risen sourdough,
ensuring that aplomb is absolute—
oh, look! My gratitude is nearly grown.

I know it wasn’t easy getting through those sleepless nights
When the words he said stuck in your head cut through you like a knife
Stuck in the bottom of the bottle of a nowhere town bar
You said “I can’t carry on” but you stayed strong now look at where we are
You thought his hands had stained you, the wounds were far too deep
Too caught in the flame “i’ll never be the same” your soul was his to keep
You kept your head up high as your world burned to the ground
Through all the pain you broke the chains until freedom was found
But even once the smoke had cleared you still couldn’t quite breathe
The days were hard dealing with scars that no one else could see
When I think back on those days now my heart fills with pride
That you stayed strong and carried on and for it we survived
I’m grateful I walked through the fire though I wanted to run
So thank you, me, for making me the woman I’ve become.

dearest me
By: Jim Kellogg
(The Queer Poet)
10-17-24

dearest me

thank you for…
showing me compassion and clarity
the gifts of understanding and patience
aiding me to uncover
the dirty little secrets
assisting me to repair the anguish
(defying language and raising philosophical questions)
showing kindly regard to my little boy blue –
my damaged and bewildered little soul –
helping me to move on by

your generosity of unconditional love –
a bottomless well –
has moved me to hug
the willow branches of sorrow
has empowered me to express
pride in holding my head up high
has given me bravery to stand-up
to be heard
to be counted
to be understood

because of you and
your captivating power
i have pulled the sharp and jagged knife
from my hemorrhaging heart
i have extinguished the blazing fire
ending the seemingly terminal pain of…
humiliating shame and
prosecuted guilt
i have reclaimed my glorious worth
gracefully facing the storms of life

with love,
me

Hey Leroy, YOU’RE AMAZING, the past few years has kicked your teeth in, you received COVID in a single year, your father passed, friends left you and all you can say is THANK YOU JESUS, the year wasn’t easy, but YOU KNEW in your heart your family needed you, Now as you write this your Mom is recovering from Leukemia and you feel defeated, BUT YOUR NOT, you sat through Hurricane Helena in a single wide mobile home and GOD PROVIDED, it’s easy to quit, BUT YOU HAVEN’T, your car blew up, you feel defeated, yet God makes a way, Your clown ministry made the cover of a Magazine.NO MATTER what you go through, your doing AWESOME, keep up the great work YOUR AMAZING

I have the keys to the lock of your house,
I’m having a drink in your kitchen,
I sip comfortably in my alone time,
I hear you enter,
I enter too.

I’m in the dark of your bedroom,
I’m the thing under your bed,
I’m the towel in your bathroom,
I’m the one who drinks your blood.

I’m the one who follows you,
I’m the reason it feels cold in your home,
I’m the reason you feel like you’re being watched,
I’m the reason you feel insecure,

I’m begging you to notice me.

I understood you to be my security. I understood that you wanted me. I understood that life without me was void of all possibilities. You said you loved me, unlike others. When you gave me visions for the future, you helped me see all your potential. I knew what was normal for me was not normal for others, yet I did not understand why. When the negatives came, I knew it to be my fault, for I had no other knowledge. I questioned how I could have made this happen. My perfection was not good enough to deliver the future you desired. Upon realizing what the future had to hold with my marred life, you tossed me aside.

Disfigured in disgrace, I got up again and was ready to move forward when blow after blow you knocked me down. Again, I realize my responsibility in not delivering your future to you. I look at my open hands and wonder why did God make perfection with a flaw. Perhaps you did, perhaps I did. You made something so perfect on the outside, but when you look into the center, everyone can see the imperfections, the damage, the hole.

What is left to do from here? The flaw is unmendable. It is now a part of the perfection you created, and like a crack in a windshield, the shattering is starting to spread across the entirety of the being of who I am. I wonder if others can now see the flaw in my perfection, as I can no longer hide the shattering. I should have been able to stop the disfiguring. I should have been able to be strong enough to stop the shattering. I should have been able to be more, but alas, the flaw has overcome me, and all that is left is a disgraced life. Others will be affected by the flaw, not the perfection. Others will have to see the weakness instead of the strength. Others will see a future so twisted by the past that they have to look away. Thank you for my flaw. We shall live together in harmony forever.

Mis Jess,
Well hello! How are you doing? I know it’s a silly question to ask yourself, but it is good to check-in every once in a while and assess. In case you are wondering, you are doing okay. It doesn’t always feel like it but that’s okay. Thank you for pushing through crappy parts and seeing through to better days. You have been brave through so much, thanking you for getting us this far.
I know one of your favorite quotes comes from Rent. “The opposite of war isn’t peace. It’s Creation!” You have made that such a driving force over the last few years it is beautiful to see. You take the “wars” around you and internalize that pain before you realize it. However, you have managed to channel that energy and rather than allow it to eat at your soul and sour your attitude you have transformed it into storytelling, art, and caring for others.
It is terrifying to be so different, especially from those you love, but you choose to embrace the spectrum of viewpoints you encounter. You choose to see as beautiful. You choose to seek out good in the in the worst of situations and present to anyone who will listen. Even though you sometimes fail miserably at that, you haven’t spent that time focusing on the negative or living in a state of hopelessness, or worse, apathy. Caring can often hurt but you refuse to let it defeat you.
Do you hear that word; that theme in you? You continually choose. It’s got me through some of the darkest times and it will serve you well in the future.
You struggle to see the beauty in you. Don’t we know it? While I wish we could see what others seem to see in us, do you take the time each day to appreciate how much difference you make in the world? Maybe making a difference just means accepting you are different. You are wonderfully weird, my sweet. Love yourself each day as much as I love you in this moment.

Uniquely Yours,
You

Borrowed time, tampered prime, descenigrating lapse of systems.
Taser filled opportunist lumes over sensibility. Exact knowledge of rephrased wisdom. Confiscated mishaps of vengeance paralyzing the, what if. In the midst of flavor verses favor, I prepare a table. Intense undermining of preparation, I convict thee. To serve or not to serve, the facade of the misled. The challenges exceed exhaustive state of forward movement but I stay ready. Tempting thoughts of fragmented steps so you can get ready and when you do, you stay ready!

Life has a funny way of showing you
That everything your family told you growing up
Is mostly true
Our stubbornness
Our hesitation
Our lack of paying attention
Often has us wondering
Once we get older
That the words we once heard
Now echo
As they become clearer
“You can’t please everybody”
Even when I try
I often only end up hurting myself
As a people pleaser
You fail at balancing
The very moment you don’t say yes
You are painted as such a bad person
No is definitely a part of the dictionary
But when you are so used to not saying it
It crushes someone’s spirit
Yet it feels so good
I am free to say no and not feel guilty
Not feel ashamed
Not feel the need to explain
It took a long time to get here
I’m not looking back
I deserve to own my decisions
I choose to not live with regret
I have self respect
How can I please everyone without suffering?
Simple
I can’t
I choose me
And if you can’t understand that
You are not meant to be in my life
Sorry if this offends anyone
But I’m taking my power back
I choose me first
And pleasing everyone is no longer my concern!

I would often hear people follow up a story of generational curses, uncontrolled emotions, disturbing behavior, and unimaginable situations with, “hurt people, hurt people.” I often wondered is that where the story ends? Later in life that statement would sound to me like an excuse. Same as when you hear people say “You know how they are.”

Now at 41, both statements make me cringe as I realize they are just words put together to hinder whomever that hurt person is. I once was a hurt person, unintentionally becoming every bit of the hurt I was complaining about feeling. It was a slap in the face to see that some of the things that hurt me as a child, I had recycled into my own life.

As a child, I struggled in the area of emotions, often time crying when I couldn’t understand certain feelings within me. Appearing on the outside a little off with the constant change of emotions, I found myself displaying anger when I felt vulnerable, weak, or afraid. It had become my defense until I realized I had become a very impatient parent, lashing out at my children when they expressed their true emotions.

I had become the person who didn’t take the time to listen; who was too overwhelmed to care; too quick to shut down and off and too emotionally distant to be the mother my kids needed me to be.

In 2021 I had to face the little girl in me who had thrown temper tantrums when she was hurt; and had shut down when she couldn’t probably process her emotions. I never took the time to be understanding of others when needed. I saw the hurt in my kids’ eyes for the first time and felt what my hurt was doing to them and I knew then they deserved the best version of me, not the generational curses. It was at that moment that I decided that if hurt people could hurt people, HEALED people could HEAL people and I’ve been on the journey ever since.