Thank you for not giving up when everything was trying to tear you down
You fight unspoken battles every day
I’m so proud of you for not letting it become your new face
You are still finding your place

Thank you for searching for the smallest glimmer of hope to keep yourself around
You have learned to love what is often overlooked
Doing everything you can to find a more positive outlook

Thank you for being the light in others’ lives when you often struggle to be a spark in your own
You thrive when creating their sunshine
You’ll find yours in time

Thank you for focusing on your inner peace when it would be much easier to let your demons roam
How uncomplicated would it be to give in to the chaos
Let your soul turn to stone as your golden heart is squashed
But that wouldn’t be you
You are the gentle sound of an old record being played on a Sunday afternoon
Brightening someone’s day in such a simple way

I’m grateful that you’ve never let your warm heart turn cold
No matter what challenges unfold
In the darkest of skies, you are the moon
Always giving away your light hoping to help anyone who is feeling gloom

It’s in here somewhere, shaking, out of sight—
this gratitude I keep alive for me
that’s terrified by recognition’s light.

See!

It cowers, there. Don’t get too close; it bites,
a mangy mix of actuality
surviving off mere scraps of sacrifice,
resilience, sense, and stale tenacity.

My family gets first dibs on hearty foods.

I feed their inner praise with love-steeped roe,
exotic sprigs of righteousness in bloom,
and loaves of patience-risen sourdough,
ensuring that aplomb is absolute—
oh, look! My gratitude is nearly grown.

I know it wasn’t easy getting through those sleepless nights
When the words he said stuck in your head cut through you like a knife
Stuck in the bottom of the bottle of a nowhere town bar
You said “I can’t carry on” but you stayed strong now look at where we are
You thought his hands had stained you, the wounds were far too deep
Too caught in the flame “i’ll never be the same” your soul was his to keep
You kept your head up high as your world burned to the ground
Through all the pain you broke the chains until freedom was found
But even once the smoke had cleared you still couldn’t quite breathe
The days were hard dealing with scars that no one else could see
When I think back on those days now my heart fills with pride
That you stayed strong and carried on and for it we survived
I’m grateful I walked through the fire though I wanted to run
So thank you, me, for making me the woman I’ve become.

dearest me
By: Jim Kellogg
(The Queer Poet)
10-17-24

dearest me

thank you for…
showing me compassion and clarity
the gifts of understanding and patience
aiding me to uncover
the dirty little secrets
assisting me to repair the anguish
(defying language and raising philosophical questions)
showing kindly regard to my little boy blue –
my damaged and bewildered little soul –
helping me to move on by

your generosity of unconditional love –
a bottomless well –
has moved me to hug
the willow branches of sorrow
has empowered me to express
pride in holding my head up high
has given me bravery to stand-up
to be heard
to be counted
to be understood

because of you and
your captivating power
i have pulled the sharp and jagged knife
from my hemorrhaging heart
i have extinguished the blazing fire
ending the seemingly terminal pain of…
humiliating shame and
prosecuted guilt
i have reclaimed my glorious worth
gracefully facing the storms of life

with love,
me

Hey Leroy, YOU’RE AMAZING, the past few years has kicked your teeth in, you received COVID in a single year, your father passed, friends left you and all you can say is THANK YOU JESUS, the year wasn’t easy, but YOU KNEW in your heart your family needed you, Now as you write this your Mom is recovering from Leukemia and you feel defeated, BUT YOUR NOT, you sat through Hurricane Helena in a single wide mobile home and GOD PROVIDED, it’s easy to quit, BUT YOU HAVEN’T, your car blew up, you feel defeated, yet God makes a way, Your clown ministry made the cover of a Magazine.NO MATTER what you go through, your doing AWESOME, keep up the great work YOUR AMAZING

I have the keys to the lock of your house,
I’m having a drink in your kitchen,
I sip comfortably in my alone time,
I hear you enter,
I enter too.

I’m in the dark of your bedroom,
I’m the thing under your bed,
I’m the towel in your bathroom,
I’m the one who drinks your blood.

I’m the one who follows you,
I’m the reason it feels cold in your home,
I’m the reason you feel like you’re being watched,
I’m the reason you feel insecure,

I’m begging you to notice me.

I understood you to be my security. I understood that you wanted me. I understood that life without me was void of all possibilities. You said you loved me, unlike others. When you gave me visions for the future, you helped me see all your potential. I knew what was normal for me was not normal for others, yet I did not understand why. When the negatives came, I knew it to be my fault, for I had no other knowledge. I questioned how I could have made this happen. My perfection was not good enough to deliver the future you desired. Upon realizing what the future had to hold with my marred life, you tossed me aside.

Disfigured in disgrace, I got up again and was ready to move forward when blow after blow you knocked me down. Again, I realize my responsibility in not delivering your future to you. I look at my open hands and wonder why did God make perfection with a flaw. Perhaps you did, perhaps I did. You made something so perfect on the outside, but when you look into the center, everyone can see the imperfections, the damage, the hole.

What is left to do from here? The flaw is unmendable. It is now a part of the perfection you created, and like a crack in a windshield, the shattering is starting to spread across the entirety of the being of who I am. I wonder if others can now see the flaw in my perfection, as I can no longer hide the shattering. I should have been able to stop the disfiguring. I should have been able to be strong enough to stop the shattering. I should have been able to be more, but alas, the flaw has overcome me, and all that is left is a disgraced life. Others will be affected by the flaw, not the perfection. Others will have to see the weakness instead of the strength. Others will see a future so twisted by the past that they have to look away. Thank you for my flaw. We shall live together in harmony forever.

Mis Jess,
Well hello! How are you doing? I know it’s a silly question to ask yourself, but it is good to check-in every once in a while and assess. In case you are wondering, you are doing okay. It doesn’t always feel like it but that’s okay. Thank you for pushing through crappy parts and seeing through to better days. You have been brave through so much, thanking you for getting us this far.
I know one of your favorite quotes comes from Rent. “The opposite of war isn’t peace. It’s Creation!” You have made that such a driving force over the last few years it is beautiful to see. You take the “wars” around you and internalize that pain before you realize it. However, you have managed to channel that energy and rather than allow it to eat at your soul and sour your attitude you have transformed it into storytelling, art, and caring for others.
It is terrifying to be so different, especially from those you love, but you choose to embrace the spectrum of viewpoints you encounter. You choose to see as beautiful. You choose to seek out good in the in the worst of situations and present to anyone who will listen. Even though you sometimes fail miserably at that, you haven’t spent that time focusing on the negative or living in a state of hopelessness, or worse, apathy. Caring can often hurt but you refuse to let it defeat you.
Do you hear that word; that theme in you? You continually choose. It’s got me through some of the darkest times and it will serve you well in the future.
You struggle to see the beauty in you. Don’t we know it? While I wish we could see what others seem to see in us, do you take the time each day to appreciate how much difference you make in the world? Maybe making a difference just means accepting you are different. You are wonderfully weird, my sweet. Love yourself each day as much as I love you in this moment.

Uniquely Yours,
You

I know you’re thinking about who you will become & what you will do.
Little me, know that it’s all up to you.

Know that sometimes things will get rough.
People might tell you that you are not tough.
Little me, know that you’re more than enough.

I know that the future can make you worry.
Life passes so quickly that it can be blurry.
Little me, know that there’s no need to hurry.

You have time to figure out your career, 
so remember to always just let God steer.
Little me, with Him, there’s no need to fear.

There’s no need to fear the unknown,
before you know it, you’ll be all grown. 
Little me, you won’t have to do it alone.

Life will be hard, but don’t be scared.
You’re not alone, I am always right there.
Little me, I promise I’m not going anywhere.

Dear little me,
I am stopping by to say:
“You no longer have to carry the heavy stuff; I am here now.”
The things that concern you about the future, are being worked out and in favor of your purpose. Worry not! The character traits that you think are your weaknesses turn out to be your strengths and little lady you’ll develop quite a knack for playing to your strengths. Your uniqueness has been the most uncomfortable part of your childhood/adolescent years and yet will be the very thing that has a positive impact on every room you enter in your adult life. Even the parts of you that struggle with the complex nature of your emotions and being vulnerable with others, find a way to be so transparent that it’ll become your most powerful tool for growth and development. You lack the ability to see your inner beauty because you are not confident in your external appearance. However, this is soon to be counteracted by your love for individualism and fashion. Then enhanced by your spiritual practice of accepting yourself at every stage and season of your life. Falling in love with your mind will do wonders for your level of communication and understanding self. Therefore, understanding others better. The fear that you’ll be lazy or unproductive is a complete myth in the future. You hold the title of “Jill of all trades” and at a point in your life, you wear roughly three different hats a day. Every goal you set out to accomplish, you execute. Be not so hung up on deadlines. ALL happens in proper timing. No need to worry. In the future you find it in your heart to celebrate the life of your mother opposed to being consumed by the pain of her passing. You learn to be grateful for everything you have in advance and the balance of every season because you find acceptance of your favor. As the saying goes, “To whom much is given, much is required.” You grow into a conscious, accountable, wise, intentional and highly creative young woman. Worry not my love, you are a warrior!
I Love You….
Though you don’t always feel loved, know that I love you!

No one saw you stare out that window
And lose yourself in the wind-
They never noticed those blades for nails
You replaced to survive while
Replacing such horrors from your fairy tales
It is your escape now, and you’ll understand soon
Those birds that nest in your bed
Are vultures and they tear you to shreds;
Just because they are blood does not mean you owe them love,
A myth that is destroying you,
You have every right to be confused and to cry
In the arms of yourself when Mom’s not around
That animal breaks all your bones,
And while she wastes time out the house,
Your fear is his throne;

And while he cries wolf
You lick your own wounds
That doctor who should’ve protected you
Feeds on your pain-
Lovely girl, people are refusing to see all those
Horrors inside your world
Like the monsters that hide under a child’s bed when they sleep
Though it would always be a dream,
For you this is different
And people aren’t who they claim to be
The one in your closet is real
And it’s scary
And you’re anything at all but the cage of a word “crazy”
I know that your memory is hazy
Just know that doing nothing to stop it
Does not make you lazy
Oh Ellie, it makes you stronger than diamonds
And shinier than gold
And brighter than the shooting stars you wish upon
And a price that can never be sold;

You pray every night that those monsters that
People call blood are nothing but
Swordsman with the kindest of words
You make sure to name every name of these people-
Who claim that they love you,
And Baby Girl, I hate to break it to you-
But love does not mean begging for forgiveness,
And it doesn’t mean letting him have his way with you,
And it doesn’t mean accepting that maybe you’re worthless,
Because you are anything but this
Ellie, your light is so much bigger than
You dare to understand
It makes sense that you throw it away
Don’t blame yourself for feeling cold
You lose yourself in the plaster above you
Because it’s all you’ve ever known;

Ellie my dearest,
You’re a princess in shining armor
Etched in perfection
It’s not their business what lives beneath that skirt-
And please do not blame yourself for
Not knowing why this is happening
And when they tear at your gowns
Just know it is FAR from flattery
You are beautiful and chosen
The fabric of life that you’ve woven
And the seams that they’re ripping with ease
And with greed and while crying
They destroy your castle of a body
Ellie, you’re not a temptation at 8 years old
You were also never asking for it
You were just doing what you were told;

And Ellie my love,
Your lips were crafted to bring judgment
Speak poetry
Sing sonnets-
Your hands were made to paint murals
Build castles

Change planets-
Your mind has been gifted to hail justice
Fight fire
Love endless-
Ellie I promise you this:
It is going to be okay,
Someday you’ll be safe,
You’ll get it when you’re 20 years old,
And you only have the animals to blame.

Sincerely, You from The Future