Our minimum 14 poses at every teenage girly photoshoot:

“Let me carry you”
Hang upside down pic
Tackle pic!
CHEERS
“Wait-I wanna show my sunnies”
Show me those baby blues ….
Silly pic !
Now, Serious face.
Okay real picture,
Laughing,
Dancing,
Candid,
Dabb
Photobombed by strangers and made new friends

Now that you’re gone, those silly photos aren’t so silly.

Worry.
A tradition of the mind
that was not made for the soul.
A symptom of the lost
who forgot to come home.

A place where the mind runs free,
basking in the joy and abundance
Of the world around.
My little darling,
You do not have to be found.
For you are right where you need to be
in every moment
of every day
exactly where you are
letting your soul run free.

So do not worry.
For you will lose yourself
Running around each day
thinking how could this be?
When all along
All you had to do
Was put trust in your hand
and let life take the lead.

Dear Future Self,

I know you feel like your life could not get any worse. The constant feeling like you are never good enough. It is hard to wonder if the next bearing you encounter will kill you. Your life goal has been and will be to remove yourself from this situation.
To be honest there will be a few times in your life that this happens to you. The best part is, after everything you have been through, it all makes you stronger. Through it all you have persevered and accomplished so much. Even as a young mother, you pushed yourself to ensure your boys had everything they needed and wanted.
You never stop learning. When this letter is written, you have already achieved two Masters degrees and published two books. Currently, your job is easy and you enjoy what you are doing. However, you never stop learning and continue with writing. Writing has become your life mission and career while continuing to work, sadly writing does not pay the bills.
You will never have to worry about your future. Throughout your life, you have acquired enough funds that if you do not want to work, you do not have to. The second book you sold has given you a few extra dollars to keep you going. While keeping your future open, you invested some of your money. This also gives you some funds to work with. You work because you have expensive hobbies and love to go Jeeping. This is a hobby that you spend the most amount of money on. Be very careful so you do not go too crazy.
I hope this information gives you peace, knowing you will be okay. Keep your head up and stay strong. Life has a way of turning tricks and you need to be careful you don’t trip. You are smart and well-educated. You can do anything you put your mind to. I wish you the best! Remember that I love you and to love yourself.

Warmest Regards,
Ashley Zuidema (Current Self)

Dearest sweet, young self,

Take a deep breath, relax, and trust.

Ease your mind about what’s to come.

I say that not because everything turns out fabulously, beautifully, better than you could have ever expected. Rather, I say it because worrying about your future is an exercise in utter futility. Whether you worry or you don’t won’t change a thing, other than how you experience your current life. My darling, please don’t rob yourself of your present.

I know that’s elusive advice to heed right now, so let me ask you this: why are you fretting about money when fretting about money makes you no money? Either do something to make yourself more money, or don’t. Why are you worried about being single when worrying about it makes you no less single, just more sad? Spinning your wheels of fright solves nothing.

Here’s a secret you’ll soon learn: a worry is nothing but poorly allocated creative energy. It’s pouring fresh, fragrant imaginative juices down a non-functional well. Every worry is a story. You, my darling, are a masterful storyteller.

Right now, you use your storytelling to paint bleak scenarios in your mind – with exquisite detail – about the potential pitfalls of your future. I’m here to tell you, you can use that creative energy to craft stories which inspire, uplift, and entertain – not stories which give you ulcers and anxiety.

All that time spent wondering if it will all turn out okay doesn’t actually make it turn out okay. Enjoying yourself and following your passion makes it all turn out okay. Spoiler alert: you won’t give up on yourself. Remember that little spark of imaginative passion that enthralled you as a child? It won’t go away. Rather, it will grow. You will feed it until the flame engulfs you, in the best way.

I would love to write you and say, “get excited, because all your dreams come true!”. In all sincerity, though, things will turn out…differently…than you imagine now. It’s not a bad thing. In fact, you will become the person you’ve always wanted to be. You will show up in the world in a way that will wow you. What’s more, you will learn to trust that this path is your correct path. Don’t try to write your future, darling, because a greater Author is already hard at work. What you can do is write your own experience of it. Life isn’t what happens to you, it’s your relationship to what happens to you. Choose your relationship to time, to your fears, to your past, to your career, to your hopes, wishes, and wants. Relate to your future as your ally, not some malefic, frightening unknown.

You’re going to learn lessons and grapple conundrums you never would have imagined, but you don’t even need to think about that now. Focus on what is. Savor every moment. Trust the future will arrive one way or another – because it will. Whether you love it or not is completely up to you*.

Love,
Your future self

*(FYI: you do!)

I’m currently 13 and the only thing that makes sense is sadness
So, to cope I like to hear melodies caress my ears because I’m too damaged to hug myself
Then I’ll let my pen tell stories of love and horror for the simple fact that I’m afraid to love myself away from depression
I get the impression that an early death is the only way to escape to peace
But I’m afraid so for the time being I’ll clean my room since I can’t find the energy to organize my life
I just found an extra cassette tape in my music collection next to the pile of CD’s and Records
Complementing the art hanging on the wall adjacent to my mood
I think to myself: curiosity let’s have a conversation where you tell me all the secrets Victoria victories made me hate
The tape starts with no words
The opening scene let’s nature sing before the score interrupts
Then some old guy starts speaking about life like he knows me, I’m in no mood for a lecture but I have time today
After all I was just thinking about ending it all, how could this hurt more
He says: There’s a wealth beyond financial peace within the things we blink past every 24 hours
Try not to take for granted the natural order of life around you
I know the stress will have you crying rivers on the inside that you never let water your cheeks
But you need to face your fears, or the dam will explode
You need to Yoga flex your way through the challenges less flexibility become a weakness
Not your strength; muscles are for show, but the morality of your core can lift you past anything if you water your flowers of dread
“Be like water my friend,” and if I’m being bru-tal-ly honest you lie to yourself too much
Fright has kept you in third place longer than you should have been
Unable to reach the heights you are meant for
Remember the natural order of things, but know a long list keeps your further from progress than small steps of truth
You’re 34 now and just entering your prime
The next decade will be the soundtrack to the whole of your life
The season from the age of 13-32 was just a small slice
My teenage brain begins to become bored and 34 is forever away
And right before I was about to stop the tape he said something that made me think, maybe he knows a little something:
“You are the most coveted rose”… you see I love the floral print of life
And this statement was the first time outside of my parents that I felt worthy
He then went on to say
You’re beautiful in full bloom but still walk like a sunflower with its head down
It’s ok to be a lazy daisy sometimes but remember the sun never stops smiling and the moon never stops dreaming
So, neither should you
Your tulip words are meant to be heard by the world
And one day they will, as sure as a daffodil
Will blow it’s horn of victory past everything that has held you back
Just keep fighting and I promise you will win
p.s. don’t be afraid to cry…

Dear Younger Me
Worried.
Worried about the future.
Who will I be?
Where will I go?
Will I be alone?
All these questions in my head fill my mind with dread.
If I could go back and know what I know now-
things would surely be different somehow.
Dear younger me, it’s going to be okay.
Enjoy your life and you will see along the way.
Just how awesome it will all turn out.
The joy and peace you experience will wash away the doubt.
Life will always be full of problems-of this I am sure.
Don’t let that hold you back for all that is in store.
You will overcome even when it feels like the end.
Your broken heart will one day mend.
You’ll discover what is truly important.
All the other things will fade.
What remains is love. So let that fill your heart, not hate. Not anger.
Not regret.
Not mistakes.
Dear younger me, it’s going to be okay.
I promise you.
Just take it day by day.