Dear Lindsey,
Life started off rough! And it will get a lot harder if you don’t follow this list. (You know how much we love lists!)
1. Remain unapologetic with who you are and what you like! (This is critical: many people will try to tell you what’s best for you, meanwhile, most of them cannot even tell you who they are.)
2. Your body is not the first thing you sell when you choose to embark on entrepreneurship. (Actually, don’t ever sell any of your body parts. Mentally and emotionally it is going to set you back like 15 years…..ugh)
3. Learn to love money. Not the paper itself, rather all of the cool stuff we can do with it. Travel, eat great food, buy great gifts, a beautiful home, help the less fortunate, and buy great clothes for you and your beautiful family.
4. Your parents and elders were not taught to heal themselves. Continue to show them compassion, without judgement.
5. Never tone it down. People won’t like you all the time, but as long as we can look ourselves in the mirror every night and feel good, that is all that counts.
6. Don’t judge yourself for the mistakes you make. (Players f*** up!)
7. The way other people treat you is not a reflection of you. The way you choose to respond is.
8. Love is forever your greatest asset. It won’t always feel like it but there will come a time when you’ll take pride in being the most loving person you know.
9. Never stop helping people. You’re doing the work that many people run from.
10. Dance!!! Twerk, jump, scrub the ground, be dramatic. This is the only exercise we like.
11. Never smoke, drink, or do drugs. It makes your breath stink and gives you wrinkles. (Plus, not to mention these things will kill so many people that you love.)
12. Your feelings always matter. If no one listens to them, remember that there is something so much more powerful, that is listening, and you will get everything you could have dreamed of.
This last one is the most important of all. If you don’t follow this one, it will cost you your life. Well obviously not, but you will lose your mind. Then you’ll have to spend an entire year in therapy, talking to a lot of different therapists because you are not easy to please.
Lucky number 13: Stay Alive! At all costs. Never give up on you because no one else has. The world is waiting for you to show them how to do it.
I hope this helps. You know what to do with it. Trust yourself and if you ever get lost, its fine. You will always find your way back.
Lindsey each piece of advice here is so wise and so insightful. I think each one of us can read your letter and learn and grow and live a better life because of it. Also, fyi, I don’t smoke, drink or do drugs, and people think I am ten years younger than I am, so you are definitely on to something there :). I am glad you learned the importance of…read more
Lindsey, I’m glad that you were able to give your younger self a roadmap to success with amazing advice and steps towards a better life. You’re doing incredible and mini you would be in such awe of the person you became today. Keep motivating yourself and making wise choices in life and when you make a mistake pick yourself up and dust yourself off.
I remember when you were starting school in third grade; transitioning from being home-schooled to public school, the same year that you bawled your eyes out because the doctor said needed eyeglasses. I mean, once you realized you were allowed to pick out your own frames, your tears cleared right up and those round, dark pink frames quickly became yours! Being excited about the new element added to your style, Dad didn’t have a hard time convincing you to get a super short haircut…but don’t worry, you never, ever did that again! However, I do admire the confidence that you had going into that school- knowing you didn’t have any familiar faces in class, but still having no problem being your authentic, weird self. I’m proud to say we do have that confidence today, but that unfortunately we did lose it a bit in-between.
Getting through middle school wasn’t bad. You did well in school and you got along with your classmates, but what you lived for was hanging out with your best friends back at the apartments that you grew up in your whole life. Having friends in the apartment complex made it easy to say that home was such a fun place to be, even though deep down you knew that inside that two-bedroom apartment, any happiness was gone after 6pm. You were lucky in a way, it’s not like your parents were leaving you with random sitters while they went out to the bars like your neighbor friends dealt with, instead your parents would just drink at home, and you had to be witness. Your parents seemed to care more than the other parents because they were always helicoptering around and trying to keep you safe, but that started to bother you more and more as you grew older.
When it was time for high school you started to feel suffocated. When you observed the younger neighbor friends having more freedom than you, it felt unfair! They could take their bikes to the store down the street before you could, and they’d all talk about their Facebook accounts while your parents were telling you that you couldn’t have one for another few years. The anger inside only grew as you finally got more freedom, because that only came with constant texts and calls asking for pictures to prove where you were. You weren’t out doing drugs or partying, you had good grades, but you were treated as if you were not trust-worthy or responsible. It didn’t help that your parents’ anxiety of the world worsened, as well as their anger towards each other. At home, you unfortunately had to hear all of it, and it had more of an effect on you than you knew.
As you overheard the loud, explicit sluts being spat back and forth, your body was coregulating with their anger and angst. As you overheard horrific truths of family pasts, your brain processed these things in an unhealthy, self-limiting way. As you started to join in on arguments trying to mediate or defend, you fed into your already developed control issues. There is a reason that psychologists tell parents not to involve their children in adult issues. This was in no way your fault, but when you finally were able to escape, you quickly learned that it was your responsibility. Although it feels easy to blame your parents for your anxiety and depression, it feels so much better once you realized that they were doing the best they could with what they knew, and it feels even better when you realized that you were the one in control of your life.
You escaped your parents’ home at age 19 and moved into an apartment with your high school sweetheart. Even though you had never had a boyfriend throughout high school, when you saw him come into your class junior year and you got that feeling that you had to talk to him…you were right to go with your gut. This man has been such a blessing throughout your life, even though at times you didn’t treat him that way. There were times where your anxiety got the best of you, your anger issues were not managed well, and you felt completely out of control. There were times where you found yourself in panic attacks, crying so hard to the point of headaches, but you made it through, and he was there the whole time. He was so patient with you, and although there were rough times during the relationship, he never left your side. Even though you thought you were such a burden and terrible person to be around, he never saw you like that-he saw you for you.
You had a hard time accepting this love for many reasons, but the main one being that you did not love yourself. Your brain absorbed Dad’s constant comments like “You dumba**” or “Stupid b**ch,” even though those were never true. You took on blame and guilt for things that didn’t even involve you, and it aided in the self-loathing patterns. I won’t sit here and say that at age 27 you’re completely healed of all traumas and you float through life with no problems; you still have triggers and definitely some control issues, but you are healing every day. After years of trying different medications and therapists, you’re feeling regulated without prescription drugs, you have a therapist you love, and you are finally feeling like that confident, curly-headed eight-year-old girl with glasses strolling into her first year of public school. Looking at you, I see that you always confidently knew yourself, and you trusted your gut. You tried to stay out of the way of chaos and remain in your own peaceful world, and that is something we still practice today. As I continue to heal my nervous system and work on self-love, I have realized that I truly can trust my gut feelings; and for that, I thank you.
Aww Jena, this is really powerful. I give you so much credit for having ability to say, “I am going to take control of my life and my healing.” That’s an incredibly strong thing to do. You didn’t have it easy, but you are creating a different environment for yourself.
I am glad you found such a terrific and caring partner. You’re really lucky.…read more
Wow Jena, that’s really powerful. I can’t imagine what you have gone through to get to this place in your recovery. I am so proud of you for doing this for yourself. It’s been a long journey, but now you are getting to the end of that road and I know it is going to be beautiful.
Thank you, Kayjah, for your kind words! It definitely has been a long journey, and I know life will continue to throw things at me, but as long as I stay focused on myself and my healing, I will be able to handle anything thrown my way. I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply!
The world might not make much sense to you right now and I know you are just trying your hardest to find a place where you feel seen and heard in the way you see and hear other people. I can’t promise you that people won’t break your heart or mislead you, but I can promise you that every twist and turn you take will be your very own journey into a world that makes sense to you.
You’re going to be known as the helper before you ever truly feel helped. You are going to the big cousin, big sister, best friend, and even the parent sometimes. And you are going to be great at it because you have a natural ability to connect with and care for people. There will be a lot of times where you feel like too much is being expected of you and that you just can’t do it anymore. I want to let you know that for every moment you push through, you grow into a stronger version of yourself and encourage others to do the same.
Little Sunshine, I need you to know that you light up rooms when you walk in. I see the way you bring love and inspiration to people three times your age. I see the way you check in on others to make sure everyone feels included. I see that your mind never stops racing and your body never ceases to move. I see that you are as full of love as you are fearful of it.
I know those around you are impressed by your self-sufficiency because they don’t know it was your only option. I know that you’ve been given too much responsibility at a young age and just want to make mistakes. I know you feel neglected, but still show up for everyone. I know it hurts to think you always have to give more than you can receive, but I want to assure you that your incessant desire for curiosity, connection, and care will motivate you to be a pillar of love and creative expression in the lives of others.
That light you shine because you feel so overlooked, will teach others to unashamedly be themselves. That depth you possess because you’ve seen so much in such a short amount of time, will teach others to take time to learn themselves. That warmth you radiate because the world is just so cold, will teach others to be kinder to themselves.
So, when your heart hurts, don’t turn away from those in your life who never did you wrong, remember to lean into the love that surrounds you and multiply it. All the boys and girls, friends and foes, family members and strangers, who made you question your heart, hold them closely like they couldn’t hold you and I promise you that your life will be so much better because of it. I don’t ask that you stay strong and silent when the world doesn’t give you what you need, I ask that you stay soft and resilient. I ask that you continue to be an example of the shining, permeating, unwavering love you wish to feel. You will change the lives of so many others because of it.
I love you, Little Sunshine and I am so proud of you
Alicia, this piece is very well done. I am sorry you had so much responsibility so young, but the way you’ve handled it speaks to your strength and your heart. I am sure you are light for so many people around you.
I absolutely love this line, “I don’t ask that you stay strong and silent when the world doesn’t give you what you need, I ask tha…read more
Wow, you are so strong, Alicia. You remind me of my older sister because she had to wear the big pants in our family when it came to taking care of us. After all, my mom was a gambling addict and she was never home. It makes me love my sister even more because she could’ve given up and not taken care of us but just like you, you continue to be s…read more
Hi Alicia
Wow what an amazing letter. What an incredible outlook. So incredible that you had so much responsibility at such a young age. Great advice. Not everyone is cut out for that kinda stuff. Clearly you are. Amazing 🙂
Jim
Hi Alicia. Here is the letter I told you about. The one about my dad.just wanted you to see it. Im very proud of it. Have a great day 😊
Perseverance learned from the best
This is my story about perseverance, a perseverance I didn’t know I had in me. But as with many things in life, sometimes you find things out the hard…read more
Lindsey each piece of advice here is so wise and so insightful. I think each one of us can read your letter and learn and grow and live a better life because of it. Also, fyi, I don’t smoke, drink or do drugs, and people think I am ten years younger than I am, so you are definitely on to something there :). I am glad you learned the importance of…read more
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Lindsey, I’m glad that you were able to give your younger self a roadmap to success with amazing advice and steps towards a better life. You’re doing incredible and mini you would be in such awe of the person you became today. Keep motivating yourself and making wise choices in life and when you make a mistake pick yourself up and dust yourself off.
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