Daddy, nobody told me the pain life would bring,
How the world would feel empty without your everything.
Birthdays now haunt me, and Father’s Day stings,
Each moment without you, sorrow sharply clings.

The day you left, my heart broke in two,
A piece of me faded, forever with you.
Every tear I cry, every ache I feel,
Speaks of a loss time cannot heal.

Call me selfish, but I need you near,
The one who gave wisdom, who chased away fear.
You lifted my burdens when troubles would rise,
Balanced my world and wiped tears from my eyes.

Daddy, you were my anchor, my first real love,
My guide in the storms, sent straight from above.
Nobody told me this pain would stay,
Missing you more with each passing day.

Love has never been a friend to me,
Yet I keep hoping, blindly, desperately.
Thinking, just maybe, this time it’s real,
A love that will mend, a love I can feel.

A love to heal what others have torn,
To soothe the ache from promises sworn.
They vowed they’d never do what others do,
But left me questioning if love is true.

You claimed there’d be no pain, no doubt,
Said you’d bring joy where life ran out.
You’d lift me up where others had failed,
But like the rest, your promises paled.

You stepped in while my heart was sore,
Made vows, then left me hurting more.
No better than the lies of the past,
Your love, like theirs, would never last.

Love has never been a friend, it seems,
Just a thief that haunts my dreams.
It collects my tears, then walks away,
Leaving me broken, day by day.

All it gives are scars and strife,
A cruel betrayal disguised as life.
Love, the foe I thought was kind,
Keeps tearing apart my heart and mind.

I’m not mad, just deeply let down,
By the ones I let in who only pulled me down.
Every chance I gave, every risk I took,
Led to heartbreak in places I forgot to look.

I’m not mad, just disappointed in me,
For holding on to what was never meant to be.
Friendships I knew were never real,
Yet I clung to them, ignoring what I feel.

I’m not mad, just disappointed inside,
For letting family, friends, and love decide
How much peace I’d lose, how far I’d stray,
From the light I fought for, day after day.

I’m not mad, just disappointed in the time I lost,
The years spent paying such a heavy cost.
Loving those who never cared at all,
Their gains were plenty, but my heart took the fall.

I should’ve loved myself first, poured it all in,
Let go of the ties that kept me within.
Unnecessary bonds kept me from flight,
While my heart stayed tangled in endless fight.

I’m not mad, just disappointed in my fall,
For letting their darkness cover it all.
I’m stuck rebuilding, but never quite free,
Still chasing the growth that was stolen from me.

So no, I’m not mad—but disappointed instead,
For all the time wasted in a cycle I fed.

I stopped searching for love,
Because I knew.
Every time I look for it,
I end up with distrust.
The moments we spent.
Caused momentum fueled by lust.
No love found, no love lost.
Just another thrust,
To combust another nut.

I am tired of standing in the same old place,
While the world moves forward, I’ve lost the race.
Clinging to energy that’s no longer mine,
Holding to bonds that have passed their time.

The lessons I’ve missed, they circle again,
The same disappointments, the same old pain.
Year after year, the cycle repeats,
Dreams left behind, hopes in defeat.

Depression whispers, and sadness calls,
As I crumble inside, behind these walls.
I tell my dreams but never pursue,
Afraid to break free, afraid of what’s new.

God is calling, “Step out of your zone,
You must let go to truly own
A life that is new, a heart that will grow,
But change requires you to let go.”

What’s the point of change if the mind won’t shift?
If you cling to the past, no life will lift.
Familiar tears, familiar hell,
The comfort of sorrow, your own prison cell.

So if I am tired, I must take a stand,
Let go of the familiar, reach for God’s hand.
The power to change is within my soul,
To rise from the ashes, to finally be whole.

What becomes of he who deprives the world of a smile?;

I found the answer to such a question when I realized just how much of my energy I had given my insecurities;

My smile, my hair, my body;
I solely identified with my “imperfections” and paid the price;

The price being peace;
To govern l(i)fe only by tangibility disrupts so(u)l;
Hiding through my own personal shame, I dwindled the ultimate flame;

And I also sabotaged;
Sabotaged opportunities so that the audience I “knew” wouldn’t dare see me as I saw myself;

Thoughts of possible laughter agonizing my psyche;

Though a shell I was;
Though a shell I chose to be;
This shell has always contained the l(i)fe desired to be experienced;

As a token of my appreciation I now listen to yo(u)r voice, yo(u)r requests, yo(u)r vision;

I don’t wanna hide, though hiding means survival of my ego and pride;

I wanna reside in so(u)l and l(i)ght;
And so I smile;
I smile for the 10 year old boy who denied himself l(i)fe because of an insecurity;

I smile for the teenager who saw himself as unlovable due to a unique smile;

I smile for the man ready to live in his l(i)ght;
I smile for the world because the world is who/ what I choose to be

Brain lit from a few toxins,
Feeling good.
Endorphins flowing from this
Concentrated THC. This lovely lady
Mary Jane squeezed out for me.
She a lil thick like honey,
Gets a lil sticky
And her aroma is soo intoxicating.
Has my mind working,
Thinking about…mmmm,
Many things! Brought her out with me
As I consume a few drinks.
Euphoria hits! Once we start to mix.

Dear Unsealers,

It’s the second day of December. I hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

I had an extra reason to celebrate this weekend, as it was my sister & I’s 39th birthday yesterday. From all the well wishes, to afternoon tea at the Warren Street Hotel in Tribeca, it was an overwhelming day filled with joy.

With the birthday celebrations completed, it’s time to properly welcome in the month of December. Mother Nature signaled the change in month as it’s freezing cold here in NYC.

I can’t believe that we’ve reached the last month of 2024 already.
It’s time to close out the year on a high note.

Now, for the welcome to the month of December…

Welcome to December
It’s time for the last shout!

Thirty-one days left in 2024
The magic of the holidays arrives

Birthdays, Hanukkah, Christmas & New Year’s
Times celebrated in good company

Fall will become winter on the 21st
Daylight will slowly, surely return

A time to reflect on where we are
And where we want to be next year

There’s melancholy flipping the last page of the calendar
Wondering, “where did the time go?!”

Let’s make the most of these days
2025 is on the horizon

Spring, not sprung.

People can look like they’re fine, but inside they’re crying.
Many are trying, too many dying, I’m flying on some parachute of prayers.
To the God’s who will listen. To the points of the cardinal directions.
I look up and no longer see Orion who has always been my protector.

My hands fall short of magic. My generosity exceeds in deeds, grateful to bless, but somehow not enough to me. I know life is unalome, never even keel- my path made me stronger, wounds have healed.
Although the deeper I dive, the pain becomes real. I deal. I’ve observed on every level, inhaled, exhaled and weighed it on the scales. It tips. Balance is off-
When the whole world is upside down and right side up, I still live in my bubble. When I’m lost, I retreat. No white flag, no olive branch, no phone calls, just me- in the corner with a pen and paper, crying. For everyone I’ve lost, for everyone I’ve ever loved and had to walk away from, for everyone who bears the weight on their shoulders but wakes up and smiles at the world, I am you.

Spring, but not sprung.

Let me feel the rain on my face as I know it waters the flowers that blossom in the spring.

I miss my family and friends who are in another realm. Let their energy protect mine. Allow me to shine like gold in a river on sunny day.

I need my magic or I am useless.

To the God’s~ Please protect us.

the clockmaker’s bride

they can’t go where i go,
they can’t see what i see,
they don’t know what i know,
that can’t be what i be//i believe i’ve been living for myself- i have been living for life.

knowledge that belongs to you will find you.
what’s yours will come to you.
the focus on the future blinds you from the opportunities you are surrounded with today.
you would not be in this space if you weren’t wanted.

so why do i feel like you’re trying to prove yourself? your worth?
what is there to earn//i have nothing to give
are you entitled to the approval of others//are you too ashamed of your experiences to approve of yourself?

is it your experiences that make you, you?
is it your beliefs that makes you, you?
is it your actions that makes you, you?
what is there in the world that you claim as the creation of others//i claim that which i create
i don’t know.
i have no clue to be entirely honest.
consider this: am i what you decide to call me, or am i what i say i am because i’ve decided to be?

in one way or another, existence supposes definition,
you are something to someone, even if that someone is the ground you walk on. the plant life you trample over with the careless entitlement to destroy.
are you going to allow yourself to be defined?

frankenstein’s monster. he does not have a name because his creator never gave him one. although he could decide to name himself and shape his own identity, he could never cut the ties that bind to his father. the bond is why you seek approval. the bond is why apathy is worse than disapproval; those who are not acknowledged are the ones that destroy. you need to be responsible for everything you create, whether it be art, technology, literature, or life.

never give your creations to the world to be defined by the world,
they will never deserve what you are.
in approval or disapproval, acknowledge what you’ve done.
thank accountability for it,
take ownership of it,
the way every influence in your life have taken ownership of you,
how they’ve taken care of you,
how they’ve hurt you,
remember how you felt,
remember the feeling,
some people have nothing to feel,
i implore you to be intentional in your interactions with others//be intentional about how you make them feel,
how you make yourself feel.
you may be the reason someone in this world is lonely,
remember how you’ve felt in the deepest chasm of your limitless,
to whom/what you wanted to take ownership of it,
your friends, your parents, your lover, yourself, your gods?
now think of who you are to others, a friend known for being reliable, a child known for being grateful, a lover known for making someone feel whole, a creation grateful for who’s grateful for being created?
privileged.
who are you to abandon what you’ve created.

“i know all about the pain that you go through” – Gustav Ahr

Feeling a Lil restless,
I want to spend more time.
Doing other things,
So sometimes I would rest less.
In the moment I could care less
Until that restlessness kicks in.
Sometimes I think, that’s the best rest.
Laying in bed falling asleep
almost instantaneously,
No mind wandering, no worries
Or nothing.
Mind arrested on getting some rest.
A rested mind Awakens the divine.

It began on a cold January day,
When my father’s soul was called away.
A part of me shattered, a piece was lost,
A pain so deep, it came at a cost.

I was finding myself, a path so clear,
Losing weight, routines I held dear.
Yet his passing left me stuck in time,
Trapped in grief’s unyielding climb.

I buried the pain, went back to the grind,
Work became the shelter for my mind.
Two weeks later, I stood so strong,
But my heart knew something was wrong.

I ended love with a heavy heart,
The first who loved me from the start.
Then stumbled into arms not true,
Grief hid the pain I never worked through.

December came, a cruel, dark plight,
My prayed-for baby lost in the night.
I woke to emptiness deep inside,
And once again, I let work collide.

A prison filled with chaos and strife,
I hid my wounds in the noise of life.
My uncle passed; I worked again,
Ignoring the ache that wouldn’t end.

But this year, God had other plans,
He placed me still in His guiding hands.
Isolation forced my soul to see,
The grief I buried lived in me.

I ended love that wasn’t pure,
Set boundaries strong, began to endure.
Day by day, the healing grows,
Progress comes, though the journey’s slow.

I am learning to feel, to grieve, to cope,
To find in sorrow a seed of hope.
Though the pain is great, I see the light,
Step by step, I reclaim my fight.

For grief may linger, but I am strong,
In my heart, my father’s love lives on.
Through every loss, I rise anew,
Healing, growing, becoming true.

Through storms and shadows, I’ve walked this path,
Enduring the cruelty, enduring the wrath.
Bullied in silence, torn apart inside,
Yet I stood tall, with God as my guide.

Called names that cut, bruised by their words,
Misunderstood like a song unheard.
They mocked how I learn, how my mind is wired,
But their taunts could never steal what I’ve aspired.

Through autism’s lens, I see the world,
With ADHD, my thoughts have swirled.
Yet in my chaos, I found my grace,
Smiling through tears, I embraced my place.

A mother of two, with love as my shield,
Through sleepless nights, I refused to yield.
In a prison’s walls, where stress runs high,
I worked, I thrived, beneath a burdened sky.

They called me ugly, tried to dim my light,
But I held on, I fought the fight.
I didn’t give up, I rose from the pain,
Like flowers that bloom after the rain.

Dear me, you are beauty, you are strength,
Your heart beats bold, at any length.
For women like you, who feel unseen,
You’ve proven to be their radiant queen.

Grateful I stand, for the woman I’ve grown,
Resilient, unbroken, I’ve made life my own.
Through faith and fire, I’ve learned to see,
The endless power that lies in me.

The world collapsed in
As I slept-
The rug fell out
While I wept.
The smiles got brighter
The more I met
But the world still collpased-
In on me and it’s very self.

I held for hope,
Held it until I couldn’t breathe.

Waited for an outstretched hand,
I hoped they’d know my name.
The world collapsed in,
While I slept
Into slumber- I crept..

The universe became a hole
As I wept.