Dear Grandma,
How are things up in heaven? I hope they are treating you well up there. Have you been watching things down here? It’s been such a mess with our family since you’ve been gone. The family that once stood together has now drifted apart. If you have noticed, no one gets together anymore for gatherings. No one hardly even calls anybody just for a chat or anything. It’s not like when you were around, but we are trying.
Besides that update, I’ve been hanging in there the best I can. Since you last saw me, I’m now married with kids. I’m living on my own now, and I have changed my outlook since surgery five years ago, but I’m still the kind-hearted person you remember. I’ve just had a lot of difficulties in my journeys since then, but I’m trying to stay as strong as possible.
As I mentioned, I have kids now, Grandma. I ended up having two girls, ages 15 and 10, and I also had my first boy, but sadly, he didn’t make the journey. So if you happen to come across him, could you give him a hug for me and let him know that Mommy misses him? I will eventually see him soon. Since then, I added two more stepdaughters after I got remarried; they are 9 and 8. They are so adorable, Grandma! The littlest one adores me to death. She still calls me by my name, but that’s okay. It doesn’t bother me. She loves to play dress-up with me, cover herself in makeup, or just have fun tickling and gobbling each other at times.
By the way, Grandma, if you’ve been watching, can you believe your great-granddaughter is now getting ready for her journey to high school? I wish you had the chance to meet her. She’s been having struggles with her studies and trying to figure out what she wants to do moving forward. But Mom, Dad, and I, even though she doesn’t always make things easy for us, are getting by.
If you’re wondering about your other grandson, I know you were concerned about him. Well, Eddie is doing well. He’s been growing every day and will be turning 39 this year. Can you believe that? He still looks like Dad every day, but he is still the bright, energetic person you remembered. Dad, on the other hand, has been struggling a bit lately, trying to do everything he can for us. But Grandma, I know you’re in our hearts, and there isn’t a moment that goes by that we don’t wish you were back here with us. I know for sure that if you were here, you wouldn’t approve of how everything has been going since you made your trip.
Before I go, I wanted to let you know that even though I don’t speak for the family, I’m sorry that I haven’t had the time to come back and visit you since my last trip. With everything that has been going on here lately, I just haven’t had a way to pull it off. But I hope you are staying safe up there and that they are taking care of you until we are reunited.
I love you, Grandma Allen.
Signed,
Your granddaughter,
Samantha.

Dear Unsealers,

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where, no matter what you do or say, it feels like you’re trapped in a box? Even when everything seems fine, do you feel like you’re being watched every few minutes? It’s as if you’re just going about your life, but because people know your circumstances, you sense that something is about to happen any moment.

What do you do when you’re in a room, fully aware of everything at stake, yet still feel overwhelmed, as if you don’t know what’s wrong? Or when you express your feelings and receive the same responses repeatedly, like, “Oh, I’ve heard you,” or “What do you want me to do about it?” It can be frustrating to hear the same replies almost every time.

How can you overcome these issues and maintain a positive outlook?

Dear Dad,

On this Father’s Day, I wanted to share a message of love and appreciation with you. Thank you for everything we have been through together. Through the ups and downs, I’m grateful that you’ve always been there for me and have never let me down.

I know I haven’t always turned out to be the person you might have hoped for, but I appreciate that you didn’t hold anything against me. Instead, you gave me a chance to learn and grow, even when you disagreed with my choices. Your acceptance means so much to me.

I cherish all the conversations we’ve had while I was growing up. While you are my dad, as I got older, you also became an example of how a partner should be to me. Your actions and the way you treat others, especially women, show your kindness and dedication to making people happy. That is truly special.

I love the father figure you’ve become, and anyone would be lucky to have you as a dad. Please don’t ever change the wonderful person you are. I want you to know that, no matter what I do in life, I will always be your daughter. Although I may not be able to do much for you this Father’s Day, I hope this message and letter brighten your day.

With love,
Your Daughter
Samantha

Dear Community,

I would like to ask a question and share my thoughts: Does anyone believe in connections? When I search for the right person to be with, I often develop a special bond over time that I find hard to break.

For example, I’ve been experiencing a lot of ups and downs with my partner. When I discuss our problems with others, I often hear questions like, “Why can’t you just leave?” or “You shouldn’t have to put up with this; just walk away.” I understand that people will have many questions, especially if they aren’t aware of the full story.

Many say that when you find the right person, you’ll just know it. However, I don’t know if I’m alone in feeling that if you started dating your partner in high school, became sweethearts, and remained friends afterwards, a strong connection develops over time, right?

That’s my dilemma. I admit I’ve had intense discussions with my partner, and I’ve shared this with everyone, including my family. Leaving is difficult, especially when your heart is still invested. It battles within you: on one side, you love the good things about him and want to stay; on the other side, you resent the negative traits and want to protect yourself.

Then there’s that voice in your head reminding you that he’s your best friend—the person you clicked with instantly. You don’t want anything bad to happen to him.

My question is this: If you have a connection that feels so strong, how can you break it if it comes down to that choice?

To my oldest daughter,

You’re approaching a significant milestone this year, and I can hardly believe you are getting ready to turn 15 and start your freshman year of high school. I want you to know that, despite the long and difficult journey we’ve shared, my love and feelings for you will never change.

I admit that I made some mistakes when I was younger and that I wasn’t fully prepared to be a mother. However, my experiences with you and your siblings have helped me make better choices for you. I want you to know that I will be here for you as much as I can to support you in your career choices and make that next phase easier for you.

As your birthday approaches and you continue to blossom into a young woman, remember that you are ready for whatever comes your way. No matter what you choose to pursue, I will love you unconditionally. Even though I may not be around 24/7, I’m just around the corner.

I love you.
Your Mother

Dear Unsealers, this is a story about a girl who started her school journey with many possibilities until she found the one piece that changed her life forever.

Sammie was in the process of just starting her sophomore year at high school. She ended up finding herself a whole new bunch of friends, activities, a whole new bunch of choices that she overwhelmed herself at first but she figured out she was going to just wing it and see what she could get into even though her freshman year didn’t start too great after her relationships got the best of her but she thought to herself not to worry there were new things out there to explore so she didn’t mind what she was going to endure next. She couldn’t believe that after her classes were set in and everything, how the lunch program was set up with different times, it was like, well, why can’t everyone in the school eat together, but they say there’s not enough time during classes for everyone to be put together. Anyway, besides her exploring the different outcomes for friends she ended up one day during an afternoon recess she was chatting with one of her friends and she stumbles across the gym and saw a bunch of students playing around in the gym she assumed it was p.e class but she for a split second something caught her eye and her friend was wondering Sammie who are you starring at and she told her that she was looking at someone that piqued her interest and she asked her friend who was he? Do you know anything about him? She started laughing and telling me things about him, but we ended up getting caught by Zack and one of his friends looking at us was wondering who that girl was staring at me and why. We started leaving from the gym doors, and she kept thinking to herself Wow, I like the way he looks, his smile, and laid back personally. She wanted to know, but she wasn’t sure where to start. She ended up, however, getting lucky in the next few days. Zack and Sammie ended up reconnecting during a PE class together and had to spend it outside on their course track. They started talking as they were walking towards the bleachers they couldn’t believe they were laughing about how they kept looking at each other and she started spilling her guts about how she makes her feel cute and attractive, and the other things about him that made her light up but she started to notice how he would just sit there smiling, blushing with everything she said and he started muttering about his life talking about what he likes and so forth. As they were walking they were discussing if they wanted to begin something but they weren’t sure but she felt something starting to happen inside of her and she decided to go through it but she, however, wasn’t sure if he had every intention as she did but after a long talk they decided to start dating on what they noticed was funnier they ended up looking at the time when they walked back to the class that it was their friend’s birthday today so they said look our anniversary will always be April 24th after that they ended up being inseparable. They both started every day by talking, texting, hanging out, you know the drill, but they ended up hitting a huge snag during school time. She ended up figuring out she wanted more of the relationship. She wanted to always be around him, and she wanted to get to know more about him, but she noticed, especially after he graduated from school 2 years later, that the attraction started dying down, and she wanted to know why. She found out at first that his family was working all the time and he wasn’t old enough to drive yet, so she figured that he couldn’t see me as much, so she brushed it off her shoulder for now, but as time went more, they were happy together. Even though at the time he was working she felt like he made the time the best he could to see her, call her, and text her it was like she was doing all the work including having to get in the middle of his parents and his cousin to spend time with him cause she was in the same predicament at the time he was the only flaw on her end was she was living with her parents at the time and even she had no way to get to her love so want she wanted to explore more and open into she couldn’t get her answers. So, during her last round of school, she made the worst decision to drop out of school even though her peers and teachers kept putting the idea and guilt in her head that she was so close to finishing Sammie was determined after failing her 1st 6weeks course and her senior project scared her into finishing her school year. Even though later on she admitted to Zack that he was the main reason why she left school. She said she felt that he was a big piece of her life, and since that was the only way they could honestly see each other and spend time with him, that was the only way their connection got stronger. She felt that since he was gone, she couldn’t focus on what was more important to her. So she ended up dropping out of high school and tried to focus on her next choices for her life, but she mostly paid attention to how to figure out how to spend more time with Zack while he was struggling with his work and family. As time went by, Sammie ended up losing her home, and she had to go to a program with included housing, and at the time, as she was working on herself, she was mostly focused on more of her relationships. She was still having problems with Zack. She ended up finding out more information about him than she ever prepared herself for. As it turns out Sammie’s identity that Zack knew about surfaced to his family and they weren’t happy that he wanted to be with someone like her so in time she noticed that things were drifting more apart once she confronted him about why he told her that I wasn’t really happy being with you my family said that you should only love me no one else I wasn’t ready to communicate with you, move in, or anything. I wasn’t ready to give up everything I had for you. Sammie dropped everything suddenly and was thinking a lot, but ended up saying what she felt. How could you say that? I did my best to be with you. I wanted us to spend more time together, spend nights together, and see how things with us were going to be being around each other more to see if we were ready to expand further, that’s all she wanted, but that wasn’t the case for him. So, after heated words were thrown around, we decided after 3 years to end everything and just be friends. Sammie ended up resenting him for a while, but something in her heart cared about him so much that she always ended up talking to him and checking on him every day as they both moved on with their lives. During their time apart, they ended up going through different locations and different people, and even brought new additions to their lives, but something ended up tying them back together. She ended up after a hurricane destroyed her life. She ended up one day going to visit Zack at his new location to find out that he was just living his life day by day. He was doing alright, just working and taking care of his new children. She sat down and explained to him everything she was going through and what her next steps were after the hurricane she endured blew through everything she was taught, she had, and everything was shattered. They talked about possibly reconnecting, but this time, everything was drawn out to make sure this was what they wanted to do. She wasn’t sure what he was thinking, even though he said everything about how he was feeling about it. They decided to leave everything that they had dealt with behind and started to try again. She couldn’t believe that everything was going to fall back into place. She kept running thoughts through her head like were things going to be different this time Were our connection that we have going stronger Were we going to be happy together were we able to produce our family Further Many questions were soaring through her mind but her worst part came true when she was making her dreams happen the hurricane came back through and it was trying to destroy everything more Sammie was trying to do to make it come true but the rain from the storm was manipulating everything in place. Zack went in and protected her by blowing through the storm and helped Sammie move everything in and get them set up for the next questions in her journey. As to this day, they have moved to another location, added a furball addition to their journey, and they are going on 19 years of best friend relationship and 3 years of a connecting marriage.

“Dear Mom”

This is gonna be hard for me mentally and I know you’re still here spiritually, but that doesn’t soften the blow that your no longer here physically
The reality has set in that I will never see you again, but if I’m lucky maybe just catch a glimpse of your reflection
As I stare into the sky, something whispers from behind, but I’ve lost all sense of direction
Just three weeks before you left, you looked me in my eyes, and I’ll never forget what you said, because it’s burned inside my mind, you said “bub, I’m not ready to leave this earth yet.” And I said “mom, please don’t worry.” Cuz the good Lord knows that I can’t make it without you, my future would just be blurry
I need you to know that I had no clue that I was lying, I was trying to lift your spirits and maybe we could both stop crying
I know you loved me to the moon, so I focus on the distance, now I’m sitting here alone, and I’m missing your existence!!

This is a story about a woman who had her daughter taken away from her due to injustices in her life. When her daughter was born, the mother was just starting her journey as a young parent, and she was already experiencing relationship issues with her daughter’s father. She had hoped that having their child would encourage him to act better and be more supportive.

Before finding a new place to live, there was an altercation between her oldest daughter and her husband, which led to court involvement. Initially, this situation required her youngest daughter to be placed with the mother’s parents. After the mother divorced her husband, she was in the process of moving and needed to find a new job to secure custody of her child and provide a better life.

The court mistakenly believed that the mother did not want custody at first. However, the truth was that she was concerned about her financial situation and her ability to provide for her daughter. She felt it was best for her child to stay with her parents or with her father, as the child expressed a desire to be with him, and the mother didn’t want to separate them.

The court kept insisting that the mother should have been more aware of the father’s behavior, even though he had never shown any signs of disrespect toward children. She had shared her experiences with him but had never disrespected him as a father. The court expected her to work and manage her own life while also being present to protect her daughter, which was difficult given her circumstances. Her family was assisting her, yet the court didn’t hold the father accountable for issues in her parents’ home, such as an infestation that made it unlivable for the child.

Now, after all this time, the court has indicated that she can fight to regain custody of her daughter. However, they are demanding that she leave her husband, secure a new home, and meet various requirements to be considered for custody. The mother expressed to her mother that she truly wants her daughter back, but given the current state of her life and her parents’ lives, she believes her daughter does not need to be in that environment.

They all miss her and love her deeply, and the mother knows her daughter is not forgotten. She believes that when her daughter is old enough, if she is still alive and well, her daughter will be able to find her if she wants to establish a relationship.

My story is about a woman who had two kids between the ages of 21 and 25. She had two girls who are now 15 and 10. After she had her second child, she made one of the hardest decisions she now regrets. She decided to have her tubes tied and an ablation done because she knew, deep down, that she couldn’t take care of another child due to personal reasons. Despite her belief that she would never have kids again, seven years later, after getting remarried, she found out she was going to have another baby.

She was shocked when she took two home pregnancy tests. She thought, “How is this possible?” Her doctor had told her that the procedure was supposed to be effective, but after two exams were done, the first test revealed that the procedure, after all this time, hadn’t worked, and the second test revealed that there was indeed a baby. Unfortunately, she ended up miscarrying, and all that was left was the gestational sac. She was only two months along, and even though she didn’t yet know the sex of the baby, she wanted to honor him by imagining him as a boy since her partner also had girls.

She was devastated and decided to create a memorial for him. She made a plaque, had a memory box with angel wings, and a special Christmas ornament with his name and the message “In Loving Memory.” She also chose a tattoo for her arm featuring wings, a golden halo, and blue feet to represent him. Her parents even made her a special present to honor their first grandson. They crafted a family of bears, with the mom bear and each of her cubs. She took it home, wrote each of her babies’ names on it, and gave them a special paint color.

Every year, she takes a moment to honor her son and reflects on what he would have looked like if he had loved his sisters and how big he would have been. Many questions run through her mind: What would he have grown up to be? Who knows?

Dear Ex,

It has been almost five years since I left you. I miss you still. You leave monthly whispers of alimony, and quarterly updates of your life since the abandonment.

I keep feeling that it is all too good for me. I left you in the worst possible way. I professed my love for someone else – someone I could never have, anyway.

I was flippant and psychotic about it, too. I got up and left one day, never to return.

I regret leaving you the way I did. Our marriage was dying a slow death. But I didn’t have to hack at your heart in one fell swoop.

I made you pack my belongings because I couldn’t bear to come back and do the deed myself.

Recently, I had a nightmare that the tables were turned. I was packing your stuff. Only then, did I realize what an impossible task I set you up with.

I stayed for 13 years because I thought the good outweighed the bad. The fun times seemingly overshadowed the screaming matches, the cruel use of semantic language.

You told me I was hard to love, that I was emotionally complex. That was your way of calling me a bitch.

I called you out on it. You confirmed the not-so-cryptic message.

But hey. We both had our unresolved traumas that we brought into our fights. Not even two years of couples therapy near the end of our marriage could foster effective communication skills.

We were both far too wounded to see past ourselves, yet we didn’t know where one of us ended and the other began. The intertwining and untangling happened at the most inopportune times.

You told me during our last quarterly update that you had forgiven me for my transgressions. I asked why, and you said that four-and-a-half years would be a long time to hold onto such emotional turmoil.

I realized then that I had not yet forgiven myself. Now, I listen to the 36-year-old part of me who left. I understand now.

That part of me was doing the best they could. They thought they were being merciful by finally ripping off the bandage and walking out on our eight-year marriage.

It was that moment that I could finally start to forgive myself.

Then, I listened to the 27-year-old part of me – the one simultaneously full of hope and doubt about our upcoming marriage. They whispered to me:

I love her so much. But I’m in too deep.

Had I loved myself then as much as I do now, I would have been merciful and cut the cord right then and there.

I put your happiness above my own.

And now I realize that you weren’t happy either. Not with me. And certainly not with yourself.

We sought love within each other, when we needed to look within ourselves first.

Had we done that, we might have been best friends for 18 years instead of fractured lovers for 13 years and separated souls for another five.

I forgive you, dear ex.

I also forgive myself.

You may not ever be my best friend again, but I will hold our fun times dearly.

Now, as tears well up in my eyes, I contemplate a future of being in a relationship with myself. After all, no other relationship will matter to me nearly so much.

I will probably never get married again, but I wish myself – and YOU – all the happiness in the world, finally.

And maybe soon, we will both achieve inner peace and tell each other all about it in our next quarterly update.

I wish there was a truck stop in Heaven,
With a restaurant attached.
A salad bar and a buffet,
And a payphone in the back.

The coffee’s always hot,
And the food aint too bad.
I wish there was a truck stop in Heaven,
So I could talk to my Dad.

He says “I’m flyin over Montana,
just dropped a load of rain.
I’m headed down to Dallas,
And then up to Maine.

No more haulin’ produce,
Gasoline or TVs.
Cause up here in Heaven,
I’m haulin’ prayers and dreams!”

I wish there was a truck stop in Heaven,
With a restaurant attached.
A salad bar and a buffet,
And a payphone in the back.

The coffee’s always hot,
And the food aint too bad.
I wish there was a truck stop in Heaven,
So I could talk to my Dad.

“This rigs as big as a mountain,
You can see me from where you are.
It’s no Freightliner, no Peterbilt,
It’s an actual Western Star!

My Jake-brake is the thunder,
The exhaust makes tornadoes!
Man, it means so much more
to be the king of the road,
where the streets are paved with gold!”

I wish there was a truck stop in Heaven,
With a restaurant attached.
A salad bar and a buffet,
And a payphone in the back.

The coffee’s always hot,
And the food ain’t too bad.
I wish there was a truck stop in Heaven,
So I could talk to my Dad.

I’d tell him that I miss him,
every single day.
“Wish you could just stop by,
and meet my wife,
when you pass by this way.”

He tells me not to worry,
That one day he’ll meet her.
But if we look up at night,
we can see the lights,
of his 18 wheeler!

I wish there was a truck stop in Heaven,
With a restaurant attached.
A salad bar and a buffet,
And a payphone in the back.

The coffee’s always hot,
And the food ain’t too bad.
I wish there was a truck stop in Heaven,
So I could talk to my Dad.

Dear Tarrell,
That night is something I’ll never forget. When you took your own life in front of me, my heart didn’t just break—it exploded. I felt something sacred tear away inside me. I would’ve done anything to stop it, but it was too late. You were gone, and in that moment, a piece of me died with you.
I don’t know how to put into words what it’s been like living without you. That night changed me forever. I can still hear the silence afterward—how loud it was, how final. I keep reliving it. I see your face, your pain, and I wonder why you couldn’t hold on just one more minute. I would’ve held you. I wanted to help you carry the pain.
You were not only my husband, but also my safe place. For the first time, I felt seen, heard, and truly loved. Tarrell, you brought me peace and made life easier, softer—until that night. Now, the world feels cold and hollow without you here.
The kids… God, the kids. You didn’t share their blood, but you gave them your whole heart. You were the father Adalynn had always dreamed of. Thank you for giving her something no one else ever could: the feeling of being wanted, chosen, and protected. She lit up around you. Her heart trusted you in ways I had never seen. The bond you two had—it was rare, beautiful, and real. Egypt adored you, too. She still talks about you and asks where you went. They don’t understand why you would leave us.
Nine months later, and it still feels like yesterday. I will forever hate Mondays and the 15th. We’re in therapy, all of us, and trying to piece ourselves back together. Nothing will ever be the same, and trying to find our new normal has been the biggest struggle for us. I’m not the same. PTSD, anxiety, panic attacks—I carry all of it now.
I know you were hurting. I know you were carrying so much that you couldn’t even find the words to tell me. I also know the Army made you feel you had to be strong all the time. That crying made you weak. That vulnerability was a failure. It never was. Crying, asking for help, falling into my arms—that would’ve been the bravest thing you ever did. I wish you had seen that. I wish you had believed that being emotional didn’t make you any less of a man. If anything, it would’ve made you even more of one.
I would’ve carried every ounce of your pain if it meant keeping you here. I would’ve done anything. You didn’t have to go through it alone. You were never alone. We loved you through it all—flaws, battles, shadows, and all. I just wish love had been enough to save you.
Now I’m left picking up the pieces—with the girls by my side—trying to create a new kind of life in a world I never wanted to know. One without you.
I love you so much. I miss you every second of every day. Tarrell, I always will.
Forever yours,

Dear mom,

You’ve known me the longest. You had a big role in making me. I was one part you and one part Dad. One part breath, one part earth. Your womb was the kiln I found my true form in.

I was one of 3, byt you always made me feel like the top of that triangle, the high point of our five-pointed star.

I remember you bought the anthology of young writers when, in 5th grade, my poem about winter was published in it.

You knew I’d get into Luther, but you forced, forced me to choose a back up school. Still believing while going over my financial package, with Dad, on our Windows desktop in the living room, that I could make that driftless dream come true.

After coming home from our church’s mission trip to Juarez, I thought you didn’t take me seriously when I said I wanted to go into the Peace Corps after college. But when I was boarding the plane to South Africa wearing my life-sized backpacking backpack, I knew your tears were partly of maternal pride.

You were there when I was in-patient and cracked jokes about the hospitilization experience. How the little library on the ward had barely any books and included the Uglies series and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

You were there when I became a teachers, got my masters and licensure in a year. You were right there cheering me on as I moved from school to school, tirelessly looking for my teaching home.

And you supported me as I published my book of poetry, and pitched it to an editor. You always listened to my words and said they always struck you as insightful and inspiring. I knew I always had an audience.

Now, I’ve learned that you’d still be with me, be my bright shining moon, in the darkest of nights. When I was a way from home, you always said to look for the moon and know that you’d be looking at the same moon.

When you got cancer, I knew I had to keep looking for the moon, for myself and for you.

The moon is always in the sky, no matter the stormy weather. You held the moon in the sky for me so I could always find my way, even if the path led far from home, or from what I thought home was.

For always being my moon, I love you.

Letters Between a Father and Daughte
by Cindy Newcomer
Here is a brief intro for the following letters. My dad died quickly and unexpectedly from cerebral hemorrhage in 1967 at the age of 42. I was two years old at the time and have no conscious memory of him. Very little was ever mentioned about him in our home. To say that my mom was not the nurturing, motherly type is an understatement. Discussing feelings, grief and loss about his death were not a part of life. I was basically left to try to understand the loss and deal with it on my own. Needless to say, I have spent a lifetime with some complicated grief issues. Fast forward to 2015. Russ, my husband of 15 years, my soul mate and my best friend, died suddenly from a massive heart attack. Although I have dealt with many losses in my life, this one hit me hard. Since how we deal with present circumstances is influenced by our past experiences, grief issues with my dad’s death resurfaced. I was challenged to write a letter to my dad and then to write a letter from my dad to me. I have written several letters over the years to my dad but always from a child’s point of view. I decided I wanted to do this from today, as a 52-year-old woman. I must have started the letter over a half a dozen times. I just couldn’t do it. Then one day I was finally able to.
Dear Dad,
I have spent a lifetime thinking about you. Wondering what you would have been like, what our relationship would have been like, what my life would have been like. I would usually imagine what I guess would be almost a parallel universe in which you didn’t die when I was 2. That this is how I have thought of you and us, just dawned on me today. My life is very different because of everything that happened. I really have no idea who I would be or what I would be like had you lived. My life has been an amazing adventure. Some good, some bad – all of it combined to make me, well, me.
I have always been kind of mad because you left and you didn’t take me with you. After a mere 50 years, I think I have gotten over that one. I guess I want to say thank you for creating me. Even though you weren’t around, you did really shape and influence my life. The things I know about you are what I learned from mom, Grammy, some other family members and some of your friends and our neighbors. What I always heard from mom is that you were a hard worker, a hard drinker and went to church every Sunday. Those things became my goals when I was younger. I developed a strong work ethic, I drank like a damn fish and I went to church every Sunday. Even though at this point in my life, I disagree with much of the Catholic doctrine, the influence of the church might be what kept me alive and on this side of prison bars. With you not being around and well, mom being mom, I learned how to be self-reliant, independent, learned how to improvise and problem solve. I learned very early that life isn’t fair. It amazes me that I meet so many people who are adults who still think life should be fair. What the hell is fair??? That may be a lesson that is better learned at a young age. I think it is harder for people to accept when they get older.
During my teen years I really tried to emulate you. I can look back now and see how messed up some of the stuff I did really was. Even when I was in high school, I worked and drank almost every day. I would always make it to church either Saturday night or Sunday morning. Granted, sometimes I was still drunk from the night before. After I graduated I frequently worked two to three jobs. From 18 to 20, it wasn’t unusual for me to work 60 to 70 hours in a week. Damn, would love to have that money again. I would pay mom rent money, then the rest usually got spent on alcohol, drugs, music and cigarettes. Somehow, I think you would have put a boot to my ass for that.
I was told by Grammy and Uncle Lynn that you were the type of man that would help anyone if you could. I have tried to be that way. It has gotten me into some trouble on a few occasions, but I still think it is a good way to live. Grammy also told me that you were direct. When you had something to say, you said it. That one has really bit me in the ass a few times. Discretion is not always my strong suit.
Back to when I was a teen. I knew you had been in the military so I joined the Army Reserves on my 18th birthday. A big part of my motivation to do that was to follow in your footsteps. It wasn’t until many, many years later that Aunt Mary told me that you didn’t really like women being in the military. Oops, sorry. I was just winging it. I didn’t have you to bounce this shit off of.
I can’t imagine how different things would have been and who I would be today without the life I have lived. It isn’t like I can take the parallel universes in which you live and the real world, have them side by side and only pick the good from each one. It would be a cool trick and an awesome science fiction movie, but it isn’t reality. I have two amazing kids. Not sure how you would feel about either of them though. You are from a generation that espoused some old school ideas and values. Their lives fit into more modern-day times of acceptance. They are amazing human beings though and I am so proud of both. They have been through some serious adversity in their lives and they continue to have good hearts and are amazing people. They are both smart, resilient, hardworking, caring, kind and just good people. You have a great granddaughter. She is so adorable. Your great grandson is on the way and is due on July 4th. (Yeah, I know, that is your and mom’s wedding anniversary.)
It is weird. All my life, I have believed that when I die, you and I will be together and I will get to see you. Regardless of all the manifestations of my beliefs in religion and spirituality, and no matter how I define a Higher Power, this has always remained a constant. I don’t even really know what I believe as far as an afterlife. The whole heaven and hell things just confuse me. I don’t know. Even though I don’t know, I still have the childlike vision of you and me hanging out in heaven that kind of looks like a cartoon or a sappy greeting card. I remember when I was younger and a relative said that playing cards was the work of the devil and we were all going to hell. Even then I envisioned us just sitting around a table playing cards in hell. Apparently, the cards we were using were fire-proof. It is weird to think of some of these things as an adult and see them for what they are. Childhood thoughts and fantasies. Even today, I still have a belief that we will be together. I have that wish to be with Russ again, but I don’t have that belief with the same conviction that I do with you. Plus, even though I have lost so many people in my life, you and Russ are the only two that I think that way about.
This is such a new and strange way of thinking. I guess it is more from an adult perspective rather than being stuck with a childlike perspective. Hey, that reminds me, I wrote you a letter one time when I was around 6 or 7. I even put it in an envelope, addressed it to Heaven and rode my bike to the Post Office to mail it. I wonder what I wrote in that.
I love you dad. I love the image of you, the thought of you. I love the thought that you loved me and you wanted me. I have tried to live my life in a way that would make you proud of me. I am sure I let you down a few times. Hopefully though overall, I am a person that you would like, love and be proud to call your daughter.
I love you,
Cindy
Within a few days of writing this letter, I went to a Reiki circle. Now I must clarify that Reiki is such a mystery to me. I have gone probably about a dozen or more times. I still want to be skeptical of it but I have fallen in love with it. The benefits I have received from it have been mind-blowing. Anyhow, I was driving home after the Reiki circle and the letter from my dad to me just started to formulate in my head. When I got back to where I was staying, I put on some music, closed my eyes and just started typing. When I got out of my own way, I was able to receive this letter from my dad.
Dear Cindy,
I never left you. I have been in your heart the whole time. I know that sometimes you are able to feel me there. Other times, you ignore that I am there. My love for my baby girl has never gone away. I didn’t want to leave you, but I didn’t have a choice in the matter. It was just my time. I couldn’t take you with me nor would I have wanted to;, you were a baby. Think about it, would you have been willing to take one of your kids along at that young age or even now? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Stop worrying about whether or not I am proud of you. YES, I am proud of you. Do I completely understand you, oh hell no. But then we are from two very different generations. The whole therapy, support group, reiki, meditation, essential oils, I won’t even pretend to understand that shit. I can say that as far as the therapy and support group goes, I guess it isn’t much different than me sitting with my buddies at the bar and talking to the bartender. Just you do it without the beer. Concept is pretty much the same though. Back to me being proud of you. You need to let that shit go. You are a smart, caring, kind person. You help others and keep your door open to anyone who needs a place, a hug or just a place to hang out. Your Grammy was that way too.
You take pride in the fact that so many people have told you that you are a lot like me. I want you to think about that for a minute. The people that you know that are like one of their parents, haven’t they spent a good deal of time butting heads with that parent because they are so much alike? I am sure we would have had our share of that. You can be too bull-headed, stubborn and independent for your own damn good. I am sure I would have booted you in the ass a few times.
It is time you move forward. I know you have missed me and that is ok. But it is time to stop using it as a crutch or an excuse to stay stuck. You are a grown-ass woman at this point. You can’t go back and change the past. Hold onto the stories and the love that I gave you while I was there. You still have it in there; just allow yourself to acknowledge it and feel it. I am a part of you and always will be, just like you are a part of your children. Again, would you want them to suffer and stay stuck about something the way you have over my death? No, I know you wouldn’t. You are a good parent and you love your kids, just like I loved you.
I know that somehow you have rationalized that staying stuck and not letting go is a way for you to remain loyal to me. It isn’t what I want. I want you to heal. Yeah life sucks sometimes, I mean hell, look at what all your Grammy went through. You still whining all these years later about the fact that I died when you were a baby doesn’t do anyone any good. It isn’t showing any sort of loyalty to me. That is your twisted thinking. It is time you let me go. I don’t mean forget about me. Let go of the wish that I was still alive or that I had lived longer. Accept my death for what it is. I loved you with my heart and soul while I was there. Just like you want your kids to carry your love for them in their hearts and souls long after you are gone, the same goes for me.
I will agree with you, it sucks that we didn’t get to spend more time together. But yet again, all the holding on, dreaming, wishing, hoping isn’t going to change the reality of what happened.
Let me go, and move forward with your life. Know that I love you, always have and always will. I am proud of you. You have gone through some shit and yet you still have compassion for others. You are a Bechdel through and through. We are a hearty bunch, strong and resilient. Don’t ever forget that. It is ok to let go. There is no shame in that. I know you aren’t letting go of me and even if you were, I am still not letting go of you. I am still a part of you.
I love you,
Dad

Sixty paces—the distance between the wear marks on the porch windowsill
to the stone coping beneath the cherry blossoms.

From cold, wet nose kisses, punctuated by toe taps,
to the pungent pansies that now adorn his earthly bed.

Four feet—forty-eight inches—the space from his head to my lap.

Yet—when I close my eyes, I’m met by his tender gaze.
I feel the weight of his head, the damp jowls,
the velvet of his coat against my skin.

His warmth—lifting the weight of the day.

A kindred spirit, whose friendship I never questioned.

Sixty paces—a heart-rending farewell,
and a heartfelt hope: “I’ll be seeing you.”

Let’s go back to those nights of walking the neighborhood.
Of riding our bikes thru that same neighborhood bypassing the “scary” street.
Let’s go back to sitting in front of the TV playing video games til the sun comes up.
Go back to the days of driving around feeling like grown adults.
Let’s go back to those day trips that consist of music blaring thru the speakers. Our voices singing as loud as they can.
Go back to the nights of just us girls & the open road which led us to the unknown.
Let’s go back to those nights in our 20s of just dancing the night away with no cares in the world.
With the only thought of “will it be mimis or dennys” after the night is done.
Let’s go back to girls night in.
Banging drums. Tapping the microphone. & strumming the guitar.
Can we go back and just live for the moment?
For the simplicity.
For the joy.
Can we go back & just enjoy being present?
No rush for the next task.
No responsibilities that will consume our time.
Can we go back & just be?
Let’s go back & see.
Just us three.